Some passages from 'Understanding the Borderline Mother'

[Guest guest]

Evening All,

So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all of

this. It's so unfair!!!

Sara

'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison camp

ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in the

house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the borderline's

child feels hopelessly lost.'

That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling laughing.

Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile means 'I'm

going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie when only

you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a demon who is

going to get you when everyone's gone home.

'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe that

she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off by

some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on the

coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood in

order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an intolerable

level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use guilt and fear

to control her.'

Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you okay

Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that children

with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large

whenever their reality is discounted.'

Yep yep yep.

'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent, they

receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely dismisses

their concerns'

Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils of

the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the edge

of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety that

I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their

Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the

right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if I

can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

[Guest guest]

This was really helpful for me today, thank you for sharing. I want to read this

but I hate how consumed I am now in all of this because of her and she doesn't

even know. I wish I just didn't have to think about everything so much and I

could just do other things but when I'm in my hometown I feel completely

trapped. I feel like hopping on a bus and leaving right now and I don't even

know why.

Cammisha

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 3:45 PM

Subject: Some passages from 'Understanding the Borderline

Mother'

Â

Evening All,

So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all of

this. It's so unfair!!!

Sara

'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison camp

ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in the

house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the borderline's

child feels hopelessly lost.'

That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling laughing.

Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile means 'I'm

going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie when only

you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a demon who is

going to get you when everyone's gone home.

'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe that

she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off by

some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on the

coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood in

order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an intolerable

level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use guilt and fear

to control her.'

Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you okay

Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that children

with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large

whenever their reality is discounted.'

Yep yep yep.

'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent, they

receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely dismisses

their concerns'

Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils of

the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the edge

of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety that

I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their

Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the

right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if I

can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara,

Thanks for sharing your list of memories with us; it for sure resonates with me.

Yes, reading UTBM by Lawson is a lot like ripping a thick scab off of a septic

wound. It stinks, its shockingly painful and reveals many hidden things that

we'd rather not see or deal with. It took me a long time to get through the

book; I had to read it only a page or two at a time because it was so

emotionally overwhelming I'd have to stop, give myself time to process it, and

go back for another few pages.

But at the same time, reading these things does give us insight, and validation,

both of which are important for finding our own paths toward healing.

(I'd forgotten about that behavior that my nada would do too, the screaming at

me, going away, then coming back in to scream and rage at me some more, perhaps

repeated several times. Its pure emotional torture. And yes, both anxiety and

depression have plagued me for my whole life, to one degree or another. And

yes, the nada's eyes dilated to pure black bottomless holes of rage, hating me.

She forced me to look her in the eyes so I could see her hating me. When she

got like that, it was as though she'd turned into something not even human; she

wasn't responding to me, to my terror and my pleading and my tears, as though

she didn't even know me. It felt to me like she (or " it " ) might even kill me,

and not even know it. Very traumatizing for a child.)

-Annie

>

> Evening All,

>

> So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

>

> Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all of

this. It's so unfair!!!

>

> Sara

>

>

> 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison camp

ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

>

> Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

>

> 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

>

> That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling laughing.

Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile means 'I'm

going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie when only

you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a demon who is

going to get you when everyone's gone home.

>

> 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

>

> Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

>

> 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

>

> Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

>

> ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

>

> My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

>

> 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

>

> Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

>

> 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an intolerable

level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use guilt and fear

to control her.'

>

> Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you okay

Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

>

> 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that children

with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large

whenever their reality is discounted.'

>

> Yep yep yep.

>

> 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent, they

receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely dismisses

their concerns'

>

> Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

>

> 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils of

the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

>

> So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>

> 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

>

> Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

>

> 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the edge

of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

>

> This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

>

> 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their

Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the

right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

>

> Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if I

can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

>

[Guest guest]

A little while back we were discussing the differences of BP mother (Queen,

Witch, Waif, and hermit), which is also part of this book. Randi Krager just

posted this entire theory on her blog (quote from the book). Check it out here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-world-the-\

borderline-mother-and-her-children

This is another file we should have put in the group files.

>

> Evening All,

>

> So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

>

> Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all of

this. It's so unfair!!!

>

> Sara

>

>

> 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison camp

ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

>

> Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

>

> 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

>

> That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling laughing.

Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile means 'I'm

going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie when only

you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a demon who is

going to get you when everyone's gone home.

>

> 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

>

> Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

>

> 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

>

> Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

>

> ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

>

> My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

>

> 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

>

> Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

>

> 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an intolerable

level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use guilt and fear

to control her.'

>

> Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you okay

Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

>

> 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that children

with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large

whenever their reality is discounted.'

>

> Yep yep yep.

>

> 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent, they

receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely dismisses

their concerns'

>

> Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

>

> 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils of

the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

>

> So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>

> 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

>

> Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

>

> 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the edge

of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

>

> This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

>

> 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their

Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the

right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

>

> Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if I

can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

>

[Guest guest]

((((Cammisha & Annie))))

Just wanted to say thanks for reading and I'm sorry that the memories/passages

resonate with you too. How awful that so many of us were treated like this

growing up. So so so horrendous. So unfair. So unbelievable almost.

Sara

> >

> > Evening All,

> >

> > So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

> >

> > Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all

of this. It's so unfair!!!

> >

> > Sara

> >

> >

> > 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison

camp ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

> >

> > Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

> >

> > 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

> >

> > That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling

laughing. Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile

means 'I'm going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie

when only you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a

demon who is going to get you when everyone's gone home.

> >

> > 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

> >

> > Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

> >

> > 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

> >

> > Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

> >

> > ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

> >

> > My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

> >

> > 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

> >

> > Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

> >

> > 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an

intolerable level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use

guilt and fear to control her.'

> >

> > Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you

okay Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

> >

> > 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that

children with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at

large whenever their reality is discounted.'

> >

> > Yep yep yep.

> >

> > 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent,

they receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely

dismisses their concerns'

> >

> > Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

> >

> > 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils

of the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

> >

> > So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

> >

> > 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

> >

> > Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

> >

> > 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the

edge of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

> >

> > This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

> >

> > 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of

their Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has

the right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

> >

> > Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if

I can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This book meant so much to me. When I found it, it felt like someone was writing

about my life. Sounds like it was the same for you!

>

> Evening All,

>

> So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

>

> Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all of

this. It's so unfair!!!

>

> Sara

>

>

> 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison camp

ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

>

> Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

>

> 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

>

> That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling laughing.

Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile means 'I'm

going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie when only

you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a demon who is

going to get you when everyone's gone home.

>

> 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

>

> Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

>

> 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

>

> Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

>

> ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

>

> My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

>

> 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

>

> Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

>

> 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an intolerable

level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use guilt and fear

to control her.'

>

> Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you okay

Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

>

> 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that children

with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large

whenever their reality is discounted.'

>

> Yep yep yep.

>

> 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent, they

receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely dismisses

their concerns'

>

> Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

>

> 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils of

the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

>

> So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>

> 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

>

> Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

>

> 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the edge

of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

>

> This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

>

> 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their

Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the

right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

>

> Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if I

can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

>

[Guest guest]

Psychological trauma is real trauma, real injury, and yes, it is hard to grasp

that a parent would repeatedly inflict psychological trauma on their own child,

or on their step child, even. Its inhuman.

Even a short-term horrible event can inflict long-term psychological damage. I

used to work with a guy, R, who had briefly worked in a branch office in the

middle east. One day in this middle eastern office, his co-workers, a couple of

very young fellow American guys, told him that they were taking off at lunch to

go watch a public execution. My friend R tried to talk them out of it, but they

wanted to go. My friend R said these two came back white as sheets and wouldn't

talk about it, and were badly affected by what they'd seen for the rest of the

time he was in that office. One told R that what he'd seen haunted him, and

that he'd never forget it entirely.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Evening All,

> > >

> > > So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read

a large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

> > >

> > > Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through

all of this. It's so unfair!!!

> > >

> > > Sara

> > >

> > >

> > > 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison

camp ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

> > >

> > > Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication

in the house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

> > >

> > > 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

> > >

> > > That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling

laughing. Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile

means 'I'm going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie

when only you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a

demon who is going to get you when everyone's gone home.

> > >

> > > 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to

believe that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

> > >

> > > Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

> > >

> > > 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in

the middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

> > >

> > > Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

> > >

> > > ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set

off by some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

> > >

> > > My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot

on the coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of

sulking....

> > >

> > > 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's

mood in order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may

have difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

> > >

> > > Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

> > >

> > > 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an

intolerable level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use

guilt and fear to control her.'

> > >

> > > Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you

okay Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

> > >

> > > 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that

children with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at

large whenever their reality is discounted.'

> > >

> > > Yep yep yep.

> > >

> > > 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent,

they receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely

dismisses their concerns'

> > >

> > > Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13.

Told nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How

dare you hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate

when my dad was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as

not being able to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that

again.'

> > >

> > > 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The

pupils of the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

> > >

> > > So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

> > >

> > > 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die,

not because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

> > >

> > > Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel

like that, often.

> > >

> > > 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the

edge of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

> > >

> > > This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the

anxiety that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair,

huh.

> > >

> > > 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of

their Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has

the right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

> > >

> > > Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder

if I can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I

do so.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, that was some scary reading.

The one that stands out most to me is the middle of the night freak-outs.

I honestly think my nada did that to wear down my resolve/make me miserable at

school the next day.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, September 7, 2011 7:44:56 PM

Subject: Re: Some passages from 'Understanding the

Borderline Mother'

Hi Sara,

Thanks for sharing your list of memories with us; it for sure resonates with me.

Yes, reading UTBM by Lawson is a lot like ripping a thick scab off of a septic

wound. It stinks, its shockingly painful and reveals many hidden things that

we'd rather not see or deal with. It took me a long time to get through the

book; I had to read it only a page or two at a time because it was so

emotionally overwhelming I'd have to stop, give myself time to process it, and

go back for another few pages.

But at the same time, reading these things does give us insight, and validation,

both of which are important for finding our own paths toward healing.

(I'd forgotten about that behavior that my nada would do too, the screaming at

me, going away, then coming back in to scream and rage at me some more, perhaps

repeated several times. Its pure emotional torture. And yes, both anxiety and

depression have plagued me for my whole life, to one degree or another. And

yes, the nada's eyes dilated to pure black bottomless holes of rage, hating me.

She forced me to look her in the eyes so I could see her hating me. When she

got like that, it was as though she'd turned into something not even human; she

wasn't responding to me, to my terror and my pleading and my tears, as though

she didn't even know me. It felt to me like she (or " it " ) might even kill me,

and not even know it. Very traumatizing for a child.)

-Annie

>

> Evening All,

>

> So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

>large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

>Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

>not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

>wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

>I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

>quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

>very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

>memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

>you guys.

>

> Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all of

>this. It's so unfair!!!

>

>

> Sara

>

>

> 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison camp

>ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

>

> Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the

>house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

>

>

> 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

>borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

>

> That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling laughing.

>Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile means 'I'm

>going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie when only

>you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a demon who is

>going to get you when everyone's gone home.

>

>

> 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

>that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

>

> Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

>

> 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

>middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

>

> Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

>couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

>my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the

door.

>Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

>

>

> ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by

>some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

>

> My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the

>coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

>

> 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in

>order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

>difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

>

> Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

>becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

>light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

>people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

>sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

>been through.

>

> 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an intolerable

>level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use guilt and

fear

>to control her.'

>

> Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you okay

>Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

>don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

>anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

>weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

>could do that to a child.

>

>

> 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that children

>with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large

>whenever their reality is discounted.'

>

> Yep yep yep.

>

> 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent, they

>receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely dismisses

>their concerns'

>

> Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

>nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare

you

>hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

>was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being

able

>to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

>

>

> 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils of

>the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

>

> So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

>scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>

> 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

>because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

>

> Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

>that, often.

>

>

> 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the edge

>of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

>

> This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

>that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

>

>

> 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their

>Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the

>right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

>interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

>

> Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if I

>can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

>so.

>

[Guest guest]

It was I guess, in a really scary way. Sorry it was the same for you!!

Enlightening, but horrible.

--!- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Jgar " wrote:

>

> This book meant so much to me. When I found it, it felt like someone was

writing about my life. Sounds like it was the same for you!

>

>

> >

> > Evening All,

> >

> > So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

> >

> > Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all

of this. It's so unfair!!!

> >

> > Sara

> >

> >

> > 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison

camp ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

> >

> > Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

> >

> > 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

> >

> > That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling

laughing. Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile

means 'I'm going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie

when only you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a

demon who is going to get you when everyone's gone home.

> >

> > 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

> >

> > Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

> >

> > 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

> >

> > Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

> >

> > ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

> >

> > My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

> >

> > 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

> >

> > Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

> >

> > 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an

intolerable level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use

guilt and fear to control her.'

> >

> > Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you

okay Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

> >

> > 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that

children with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at

large whenever their reality is discounted.'

> >

> > Yep yep yep.

> >

> > 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent,

they receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely

dismisses their concerns'

> >

> > Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

> >

> > 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils

of the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

> >

> > So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

> >

> > 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

> >

> > Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

> >

> > 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the

edge of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

> >

> > This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

> >

> > 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of

their Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has

the right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

> >

> > Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if

I can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It would be my husband's father who was the BPD...He died of a brain

hemorrhage at 98. I did not go to the funeral, nor did I grieve..Agnes

> It was I guess, in a really scary way. Sorry it was the same for you!!

Enlightening, but horrible.

>

> --!- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Jgar " wrote:

>> This book meant so much to me. When I found it, it felt like someone was

writing about my life. Sounds like it was the same for you!

>>

>>

>>> Evening All,

>>>

>>> So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that I've

not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and I

wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why. So

I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in single

quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I feel

very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share these

memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other than

you guys.

>>>

>>> Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all

of this. It's so unfair!!!

>>>

>>> Sara

>>>

>>>

>>> 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison

camp ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

>>>

>>> Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

>>>

>>> 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

>>>

>>> That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling

laughing. Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile

means 'I'm going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie

when only you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a

demon who is going to get you when everyone's gone home.

>>>

>>> 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

>>>

>>> Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

>>>

>>> 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

>>>

>>> Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed with

my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the door.

Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

>>>

>>> ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

>>>

>>> My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

>>>

>>> 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

>>>

>>> Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again. And

people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

been through.

>>>

>>> 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an

intolerable level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use

guilt and fear to control her.'

>>>

>>> Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you

okay Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

could do that to a child.

>>>

>>> 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that

children with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at

large whenever their reality is discounted.'

>>>

>>> Yep yep yep.

>>>

>>> 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent,

they receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely

dismisses their concerns'

>>>

>>> Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare you

hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my dad

was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being able

to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

>>>

>>> 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils

of the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

>>>

>>> So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>>>

>>> 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

>>>

>>> Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

that, often.

>>>

>>> 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the

edge of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

>>>

>>> This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

>>>

>>> 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of

their Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has

the right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

>>>

>>> Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if

I can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I do

so.

>>>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

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>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)