Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 I have been meditating about the concept of boundaries. Particularly " nada " boundaries... I know many of us feel that a lack of boundaries with our nadas (and fadas) is a key problem. Reflecting back on a whole book full of stories and feelings in my relationship with my nada, it came to me that genuine intimacy was lacking too. Nada spilled over into my boundaries. She knew who I was. I got to learn who I was too, but nada was always in the mirror, confusing us. (That is the best way that I can put it right now. I am open to questions, contrasting thoughts on how others perceive this issue of intimacy/boundaries). When I say genuine intimacy was lacking, I mean that it was forced. I was the one whose drawers were examined, whose emotions were scrutinized. But I really cannot remember the kind of comparing of notes that happens now with friends who I have real intimacy with. I realized that my nada relied on me to make the conversations have meaning and interest for her. That is one reason she felt it was perfectly fine to tell me a few months back. " You are boring. " From you guys, I know that " boring is good. " But boring with nada is still not safe. I think this understanding is going to help me when my nada calls me next. Because I know it is OK to be boring (and it now brings me a wry smile to be given the label of BORING).....I find it easier to just observe her and see how she dances around being intimate about herself and her intentions. While she thinks it is exactly her business to know details about my life that I no longer share with her. And she still thinks it is fine to hurt me. At hurting me I draw the line, with love now, and less with anger. Good firm boundaries are sweet. As one of my aunts told me this weekend. " Life is too fragile to accept that kind of thing, or to allow anyone to upset us like that. " Love my extended family. They are surprisingly great people. Of course, nada mostly thinks bad of them. So it goes... ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Hi I agree that there is no real closeness. And I'm not sure if this is true for you or not, but with mine, she lies about the past and about herself. One recent example is that she's going to a doctor for sleep problems, and she threw out there - " I've never slept well " which I know isn't true. She used to be a great sleeper. My father corroborated. This is a minor lie of course, not important. But it's just the most recent example I can come up with, it's chronic with her. I never trust anything she says. Can't argue with her either, it's like arguing with someone with Alzheimer's. When someone frequently rewrites history and you can't argue with them, it makes it sort of hard to be close. Terri > > I have been meditating about the concept of boundaries. Particularly " nada " boundaries... > > I know many of us feel that a lack of boundaries with our nadas (and fadas) is a key problem. > > Reflecting back on a whole book full of stories and feelings in my relationship with my nada, it came to me that genuine intimacy was lacking too. Nada spilled over into my boundaries. She knew who I was. I got to learn who I was too, but nada was always in the mirror, confusing us. (That is the best way that I can put it right now. I am open to questions, contrasting thoughts on how others perceive this issue of intimacy/boundaries). > > When I say genuine intimacy was lacking, I mean that it was forced. I was the one whose drawers were examined, whose emotions were scrutinized. But I really cannot remember the kind of comparing of notes that happens now with friends who I have real intimacy with. > > I realized that my nada relied on me to make the conversations have meaning and interest for her. That is one reason she felt it was perfectly fine to tell me a few months back. " You are boring. " From you guys, I know that " boring is good. " But boring with nada is still not safe. > > I think this understanding is going to help me when my nada calls me next. Because I know it is OK to be boring (and it now brings me a wry smile to be given the label of BORING).....I find it easier to just observe her and see how she dances around being intimate about herself and her intentions. While she thinks it is exactly her business to know details about my life that I no longer share with her. And she still thinks it is fine to hurt me. > > At hurting me I draw the line, with love now, and less with anger. Good firm boundaries are sweet. As one of my aunts told me this weekend. " Life is too fragile to accept that kind of thing, or to allow anyone to upset us like that. " > > Love my extended family. They are surprisingly great people. Of course, nada mostly thinks bad of them. So it goes... > > ~ > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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