Anyone else feel just angry?

[Guest guest]

I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out my

mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses - I

feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like a

whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best, be a

good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life when

I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband on our

own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my siblings

and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion, reminiecing with

them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all upside down concerning

my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all. And what are the chances -

that I am pretty sure not only does my mother have BP, but my mother-in-law

also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch characteristics with a bit of Waif. My

mom is Queen.

I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn hard

just " being " .

Thanks for listening to me vent.

[Guest guest]

my mom in law was a raging p.d., i'd say the chances are good.

> **

>

>

> I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses

> - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like

> a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best,

> be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

> respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life

> when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband

> on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my

> siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all.

> And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

>

> I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

> hard just " being " .

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry you're feeling so angry, , but remember , you're allowed to be

angry. And, you're not alone. Lots of us have felt/feel angry.

Take the time you need to feel angry. let it out in a healthy way. You

have every right to feel it.

Mia

>

>

> I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses

> - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like

> a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best,

> be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

> respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life

> when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband

> on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my

> siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all.

> And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

>

> I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

> hard just " being " .

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm with you !

I wish there was a room, built specially for the children of borderlines, where

I could go and smash everything up with a baseball bat for hours until I

collapse, too exhausted to be angry any more.

Why should we feel so crap and scared and anxious and angry so often when all

we've tried to do is be good people. It's not fair. At all.

I wish I could help or offer advice. All I can say is I get it and please do

vent!

Oh, and I am sure my step nada is also BPD or something PD anyway (she used to

go through an elaborate process of accusing me of serious crimes i.e. trying to

murder my little step sisters, keeping me banished to my room for days until I

'confessed' then deciding upon the appropriate 'punishment'. But I always think

people will thinking I'm making it up if I have two nada's in my life, so I

never mention her - she's like my extra 'secret nada.'

So why not a nada and a MIL nada. Guess there must be a ton of them out there...

Take care,

Sara

>

> >

> >

> > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> > my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses

> > - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like

> > a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best,

> > be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

> > respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life

> > when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband

> > on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my

> > siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> > reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> > upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all.

> > And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> > have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> > characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

> >

> > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

> > hard just " being " .

> >

> > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I feel very angry. Since anger is part of the grieving process, I figure

it's just one of those things that I have to go through.

Wikipedia has a good article about the Kubler-Ross model of grieving that helped

me understand that I've been waffling back and forth between the various stages

for years as I came to realize there was something terribly wrong with my FOO.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

AnnieL

>

> I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out my

mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses - I

feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like a

whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best, be a

good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life when

I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband on our

own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my siblings

and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion, reminiecing with

them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all upside down concerning

my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all. And what are the chances -

that I am pretty sure not only does my mother have BP, but my mother-in-law

also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch characteristics with a bit of Waif. My

mom is Queen.

>

> I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

hard just " being " .

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

We do work hard at just " being " ......I completely understand. I was just

re-reading some of " Stop Walking on Eggshells " , and re-discovered why it's

so difficult just " being " when there is a BPD parent in our life. No

matter what we do, we'll never meet their expectations; BPD's make no logical

sense, but we are expected to bow down to their criticisms, demands, tantrums

and opinions.

Laurie

In a message dated 9/8/2011 12:35:00 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

girlscout.cowboy@... writes:

my mom in law was a raging p.d., i'd say the chances are good.

> **

>

>

> I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored

glasses

> - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding

like

> a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my

best,

> be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable

and

> respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my

life

> when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my

husband

> on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common

with my

> siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it

all.

> And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

>

> I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so

darn

> hard just " being " .

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent.

>

>

>

>

>

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools

to

Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems?

Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! Groups Links

[Guest guest]

YES.

But I have learned to love/embrace my anger.

I (and my T too) truly believe that my rebellious nature kept me a lot more sane

than I have any right to be, putting up with my nada.

My nada was a Queen Witch with a dash of Hermit Waif, and my fada was gone 9

months out of the year (he was a merchant marine). When he was home, he was

drunk more often than not and physically abusive to nada.

In his old age, he has become subservient and backs her up on everything, no

matter how ridiculous, with the old stupid excuse " But she's your mother. " Like

that even means anything.

I have pretty much accepted the fact that my nada is what she is, evil and

nasty, but I am still hurt and confused by my father.

I have been NC with both since June. They 'disowned' me, but my sister (who is

40 something and lives with them, nada's slave) said I could " Just call and

apologize and everything would be fine. "

Yeah.

Not.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, September 8, 2011 10:19:45 AM

Subject: Re: Anyone else feel just angry?

We do work hard at just " being " ......I completely understand. I was just

re-reading some of " Stop Walking on Eggshells " , and re-discovered why it's

so difficult just " being " when there is a BPD parent in our life. No

matter what we do, we'll never meet their expectations; BPD's make no logical

sense, but we are expected to bow down to their criticisms, demands, tantrums

and opinions.

Laurie

In a message dated 9/8/2011 12:35:00 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

girlscout.cowboy@... writes:

my mom in law was a raging p.d., i'd say the chances are good.

> **

>

>

> I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored

glasses

> - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding

like

> a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my

best,

> be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable

and

> respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my

life

> when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my

husband

> on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common

with my

> siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it

all.

> And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

>

> I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so

darn

> hard just " being " .

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent.

>

>

>

>

>

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools

to

Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems?

Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! Groups Links

[Guest guest]

Sara,

Thanks for listening and the response. I feel really badly about your step nada,

in addition to your nada. That is really horrible that she accused you of those

terrible things and treated you so badly. No one should have to go through all

that.

I like your idea about a room for BP children to totally vent. I don't ever

want to act like my nada but sometimes I just don't want to have to be the

forgiving, reasonable, rational adult.

Take care,

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> > > my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored

glasses

> > > - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding

like

> > > a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my

best,

> > > be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

> > > respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life

> > > when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my

husband

> > > on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with

my

> > > siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> > > reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> > > upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it

all.

> > > And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> > > have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> > > characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

> > >

> > > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

> > > hard just " being " .

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks Mia,

This is where I vent about it since I don't discuss it with anyone else but my

immediate family. I don't like to bring it up with them much as it brings out

such negative feelings for everyone. No one can do much about it and we all

handle it in our own way. I am starting yoga soon and hope that will help, I

think it will.

Thanks,

>

> >

> >

> > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> > my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses

> > - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like

> > a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best,

> > be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

> > respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life

> > when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband

> > on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my

> > siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> > reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> > upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all.

> > And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> > have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> > characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

> >

> > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

> > hard just " being " .

> >

> > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Laurie,

Amen.

Thanks for the input. Somehow it helps to know I am not alone.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> > my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored

> glasses

> > - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding

> like

> > a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my

> best,

> > be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable

> and

> > respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my

> life

> > when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my

> husband

> > on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common

> with my

> > siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> > reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> > upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it

> all.

> > And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> > have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> > characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

> >

> > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so

> darn

> > hard just " being " .

> >

> > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

> Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools

to

> Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems?

> Write @... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

> " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! Groups Links

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

I was angry all the time. It was 'who I was' for so long. I've posted about it

here before.

I'm less angry now, but it's still there. It wasn't fair. We were just kids. And

other people don't really understand. It's infuriating.

I finally looked at the anger as something that was, had been, good and healthy

for me, but that it was now something that was no longer healthy for me.

Obviously that's a choice a person has to make for themselves. But I went and

did a lot of work on letting it go. Just dealing with the anger directly, as

something that was mine and I had control over keeping it burning or not. My

choice. Anyway like I said I still have moments, but I wouldn't say it was a big

part of me anymore.

Be proud of your anger though - it's a healthy response, and it can give you the

energy you need to fight for yourself.

Oh - though also there's that quote " Being angry at someone else is like

swallowing poison and waiting for them to die. " That one strikes true for me

also.

-Terri

>

> I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out my

mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses - I

feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like a

whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best, be a

good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life when

I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband on our

own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my siblings

and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion, reminiecing with

them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all upside down concerning

my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all. And what are the chances -

that I am pretty sure not only does my mother have BP, but my mother-in-law

also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch characteristics with a bit of Waif. My

mom is Queen.

>

> I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

hard just " being " .

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

HELLO,

ANGRY IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. HOW ABOUT DEALT A LIFE SENTENCE OF CRAP AND PISSED

OFF! BUT, KNOW HERE IS THE HARD PART. REMEMBER IT IS " NOT ABOUT YOU " ITS THEM.

THE CRAZY SH*t, THE OUTBURSTS, ECT. IS ALL THEM. WE ARE NORMAL, THEY ARE BROKEN,

ILL, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.

IF WE CAN ALL COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEY ARE THE

BAD IS SOON TO FOLLOW AND IT WILL NEVER CHANGE IT IS A LOT EASIER TO LET THE

ANGER GO. WE HAVE TO CHANGE THE WAY WE REACT TO THEM. NOT FAIR BUT REALITY.

THINK OF THEM AS EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED. JUST AS SOMEONE WHO CAN'T WALK, BPD'S

CAN'T FUNCTION EMOTIONALLY. JUST AS THE BOOK SAYS CALL THEM OUT ON THERE STUFF

AND HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE. REMEMBER ABANDONMENT IS WHAT DRIVES THE CRAZINESS.

THEY ARE AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED AND WILL DO OR SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE THAT

FEELING GO AWAY. WHEN A DAGGER COMES YOUR WAY TURN IT BACK TOWARD THEM-CALL THEM

OUT ON IT. (SOMETHING LIKE-WOW YOU MUST REALLY BE FEELING IGNORED TO BE ACTING

LIKE THIS THIS, WHAT'S UP?) IT WILL SET THEM BACK ON THEIR HEEL, TRUST ME.

THIS HAS WORKED WITH MY NADA. WHEN I DO THIS WITH HER SHE STARTS TO DISTANCE

HERSELF FROM ME SO

SETTING UP BOUNDARIES IS GETTING A LITTLE EASIER. HER NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET.

YOU HAVE TO TRAIN THEM, SOUND RIDICULOUS BUT TRUE. IF BEING CRAZY TOWARD YOU

DOESN'T GET THEM WHAT THEY WANT THEY WILL LOOK ELSEWHERE, THEY HAVE TO. THE

DRIVE FOR THEM TO GET EMOTIONAL RELIEF IS STRONG.

I HAVE FOUND THAT I HAD TO GRIEVE OVER NOT HAVING A MOTHER IN THE SENSE OF THE

WORD. MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN ORPHANED EVEN THOUGH I AM 45. CONTINUING TO

BE ANGRY JUST GIVES NADA MORE CONTROL AND MUCH MORE AMMUNITION TO WORK WITH.

HAVING TO BE ON GUARD ALL OF THE TIME IS FRUSTRATING AND TIRING-SOOOO TIRING.

BUT IF WE CAN KEEP THE BOUNDARIES UP AND NOT STEP INTO THE BPD TRAPS THEY SET

FOR US, IT DOES GET EASIER.

REMEMBER WE ARE STRONGER AND HAVE MORE INSIGHT THAN MOST PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THE

BPD'S IN OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!

I LOVED THE STATEMENT THAT WAS MADE EARLIER THAT " BEING ANGRY IS LIKE

SWALLOWING POISON AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO DIE " IT IS SO TRUE.

WISHING EVERYONE PEACE AND HAPPINESS

KATIE

Re: Anyone else feel just angry?

Hi

I was angry all the time. It was 'who I was' for so long. I've posted about it

here before.

I'm less angry now, but it's still there. It wasn't fair. We were just kids.

And other people don't really understand. It's infuriating.

I finally looked at the anger as something that was, had been, good and

healthy for me, but that it was now something that was no longer healthy for me.

Obviously that's a choice a person has to make for themselves. But I went and

did a lot of work on letting it go. Just dealing with the anger directly, as

something that was mine and I had control over keeping it burning or not. My

choice. Anyway like I said I still have moments, but I wouldn't say it was a big

part of me anymore.

Be proud of your anger though - it's a healthy response, and it can give you

the energy you need to fight for yourself.

Oh - though also there's that quote " Being angry at someone else is like

swallowing poison and waiting for them to die. " That one strikes true for me

also.

-Terri

>

> I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out my

mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses - I

feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like a

whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best, be a

good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life when

I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband on our

own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my siblings

and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion, reminiecing with

them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all upside down concerning

my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all. And what are the chances -

that I am pretty sure not only does my mother have BP, but my mother-in-law

also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch characteristics with a bit of Waif. My

mom is Queen.

>

> I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

hard just " being " .

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent.

>

>

>

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com<http://www.bpdcentral.com/>.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscri\

be >.

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

I guess I should have qualified that I am not walking around so angry that it is

destroying me, nor am I acting out on other people with it. I seem to cycle

through various emotions from angry, to sad, to guilty, to frustration, to angry

again, depending on when the last interaction was with my nada or my NP (or BP)

sister. THe amount of energy it takes from me and time I find my mind wandering

to it is very frustrating and makes me angry. I feel resentful that my own

mother acts in such a selfish and mean way towards me and mine. It really is

such a mind blower. I truly did not see things for what they are until less than

a year ago. Things really became much more obvious to me after my father died. I

feel hit over the head and such a sense of loss. And I really feel betrayed by

my sister that she is so competative and emeshed with nada. It is so bizarre. I

feel orphaned. I know I have read that here from others before.

If any of you remember the TV show " Leave it to Beaver " , my family growning up

was like a spin off of that. I didn't have the nightmare experiences some of you

have had to endure in your younger years. My nada would just sometimes fly off

the handle, but nothing that seemed too off the charts, and my parents (when I

was young) would drink alcohol sometimes, but nothing out of the ordinary. And

we never talked about feeling - but then that was what I knew so it seemed

normal, and I did feel kids were to be seen and not heard, but that (although

unhealthy) was not too unusual during that era. I knew my nada could be snappy,

but I was sure it was my fault. All this I sort of faced in my forties and

when I worked to change my behaviors to make my relationships healthier I was

shocked at the resistance I got from my FOO and nada. My dad would always be a

bridge and I could tell he knew things were hard for me but it seemed he didn't

know what to do about it. Little did I know what he was dealing with day to day.

So I pulled away and set better boundries and although it was awkward and

difficult at times, I managed. But since my father died about 9 months ago, and

his influence is gone, I think my nada has gotten way worse. She says and does

things that she never has and I find it hard. I have increased my boundries and

am trying to " not take it personally " but struggle with it. It is just so

frustrating, sad, lonely and bizarre for me. I learned about BP not that long

ago and put it all together. I feel like I've lost my dad and my mother, even

though she can be standing in the room with me.

> >

> > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses - I

feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like a

whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best, be a

good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life when

I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband on our

own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my siblings

and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion, reminiecing with

them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all upside down concerning

my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all. And what are the chances -

that I am pretty sure not only does my mother have BP, but my mother-in-law

also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch characteristics with a bit of Waif. My

mom is Queen.

> >

> > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

hard just " being " .

> >

> > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to

Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com<http://www.bpdcentral.com/>.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscri\

be >.

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you found a technique that works for you and allows you to set

boundaries with your bpd mother/nada.

What you have described is pretty much what most of the books about managing a

relationship with a bpd person, such as " Stop Walking On Eggshells " , advise:

(a) clearly state what behavior is not OK with you (such as, " Its not OK for you

to call me bad names; no name-calling. " And give nada a list if she can't or

won't remember what you consider to be unacceptable)

( clearly state what the consequence of that behavior will be " I will not

communicate with you at all for one week if you insult me by calling me bad

names. " And then

© consistently follow through with your consequence, each time your boundary

is violated.

But because bpd has such a wide range of ways it can " present " (mild or

sub-clinical bpd vs severely affected by bpd, high-functioning vs

low-functioning, acting-in vs acting-out, Queen/Witch vs Waif/Hermit) some

nadas will be able to hear and understand your boundary and may in good faith

attempt to comply with it, and others will only hear your boundary as an attack

or a rejection.

Or, to put it another way, some parents with bpd are trainable to one degree or

another, and some are not.

My nada is in the " not trainable " category. For literally years (before we knew

much about bpd) Sister had to keep reminding our nada to not call her late at

night because Sister's son was in school AND working part time and needed his

sleep, as did Sister. But nada never " got it. " Our nada has a lot of

narcissistic pd traits (the " Queen " bpd) and felt entitled to call Sister

whenever she wanted, and Sister had to set a hard boundary about that and

enforce it; all that did was make nada go ballistic and act out badly in other

ways. And this is just one negative behavior that Sister found increasingly

difficult to tolerate as the years/decades passed. ( " No screaming in the car

and trying to grab the steering wheel away from me. " " No trying to undermine my

authority with my child or denigrating a parenting choice I've made in front of

my child. " " No more buying clothes for me. " .... its a long, long list.)

But all we can do is try, and do the best we can. If you can handle the stress

of setting and maintaining boundaries and enforcing consequences, more power to

you. If you don't have the mental or physical reserves of strength and patience

that Low Contact takes, then, you will get no condemnation from me if you need

to go No Contact for the sake of your own health.

-Annie

> >

> > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses - I

feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like a

whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best, be a

good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life when

I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband on our

own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my siblings

and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion, reminiecing with

them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all upside down concerning

my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all. And what are the chances -

that I am pretty sure not only does my mother have BP, but my mother-in-law

also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch characteristics with a bit of Waif. My

mom is Queen.

> >

> > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

hard just " being " .

> >

> > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to

Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com<http://www.bpdcentral.com/>.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscri\

be >.

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Hi Amber,

I hope it does help you. It is really hard not to let it effect other

relationships because it can be so consuming. I think it will help you even if

you don't feel ready to forgive.

True

> >

> > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out my

mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored glasses - I

feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding like a

whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my best, be a

good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable and

respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my life when

I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my husband on our

own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common with my siblings

and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion, reminiecing with

them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all upside down concerning

my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it all. And what are the chances -

that I am pretty sure not only does my mother have BP, but my mother-in-law

also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch characteristics with a bit of Waif. My

mom is Queen.

> >

> > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so darn

hard just " being " .

> >

> > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was angry almost all my life until I used this emotion to step out of the

sick BPD game and started to set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty.

Whenever I started to fall into FOG I remembered how angry I was and it was much

easier to stick to my boundaries.

Now I have much better life, better relation with nada and most of that anger

somehow disapear.

Yenaine

Sent via BlackBerry

Re: Anyone else feel just angry?

Laurie,

Amen.

Thanks for the input. Somehow it helps to know I am not alone.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I just feel angry that I have to work so hard to " be " . Since figuring out

> > my mother most likely has BP and seeing things without rose colored

> glasses

> > - I feel really tired of " dealing " with it all. At the risk of sounding

> like

> > a whiner, I just feel like I have worked so hard all my life to do my

> best,

> > be a good person, have excellent work ethic, be honest, be respectable

> and

> > respectful, be kind, be fair, be successful, etc. and at a time in my

> life

> > when I thought I 'd be enjoying my empty nest, doing things with my

> husband

> > on our own, enjoying our kids independence, sharing things in common

> with my

> > siblings and friends and taking my mom and dad out to eat on occassion,

> > reminiecing with them, etc. I am walking in a mine field and life is all

> > upside down concerning my nada and my FOO. I am just so angry about it

> all.

> > And what are the chances - that I am pretty sure not only does my mother

> > have BP, but my mother-in-law also!!! Only she has more Queen and Witch

> > characteristics with a bit of Waif. My mom is Queen.

> >

> > I am just so angry about it all and tired of " dealing " and working so

> darn

> > hard just " being " .

> >

> > Thanks for listening to me vent.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

> Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools

to

> Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems?

> Write @... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

> " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! Groups Links

>

>

>

>

>

>

>