Just remembered another 'This isn't normal' moment

[Guest guest]

I was 5. My father had left to visit his family in another country.

My mother must've been pissed that he left and feeling abandoned. I was trying

to cheer her and smiled. She muttered, " I'm stuck here with you and your idiot

smile. "

I will never, ever forget her saying that. That was when I began to see she

wasn't as sweet, even-tempered--or social--as other mommies.

[Guest guest]

Oh love, Fiona. What a lovely non-verbal gift. I want to hug you for your smile.

We kids have so much to give! You and your smile. Made me wonder if you had

already tried hugs and they had not been well-received. One thing I had going

for me is my mom appreciated my attempts at loving, so that kept my natural

instincts to BE loving intact. I think my mom was aware of her needs, and

grateful for the love we gave back to her blundered attempts at mothering.

My mom gave hugs though, after she had hurt me, and so I have VERY confused

about what a hug means from her now, as a wiser adult.

As I think back to my mistakes in being a mom, I have my own painful memories.

There was a time when I was feeling very very off and broken, at my usual time

of feeling broken, right around the time school ends each year. Every year

without fail I have had a challenge at this time of great schedule change. There

was one year I felt particularly vulnerable and my husband was unable to comfort

me after the death of a close childhood friend. He just did not " get " it. Told

me I would need to buck up, the day after I got news of my friend's sudden

death.

Our son was the one who comforted me, instead, after I had made a royal mess of

things. He was... 8 at the time? Anyways, I realized, because I was in therapy

that, even though it felt a bit inappropriate to receive comfort from my child,

I did need to acknowledge and accept his efforts. I see now that I had to

accept his comfort, or it would deeply hurt him and make it hard for him as an

adult, to feel " adequate " in loving his life mate, if I did not find a way to

honestly appreciate his efforts. I had to feel deserving of his child-like

caring.

I've also learned I need to be patient in dealing with my husband's childhood

wounds and feelings of inadequacy. In the meantime, one good thing is that our

son at 12, still very much trusts his spontaneous efforts to comfort and sooth

each of us when he feels it is necessary. OK, sometimes I think it is his way of

soothing his own anxiety, but I just let it be right now. He's of that

interesting age, where he does not want to receive comforting or admit he needs

it. And that age where he is not exactly comfortable analyzing or even

identifying emotions that feel very private to him. I am trying to trust that he

will open up later, as he gets more comfortable with what is going on inside

him.

Role reversal!

Anyways, your share just broke my heart. For once I got to respond in a timely

fashion!

You said, " Posted by: " Fiona " hermitsdaughter@... hermitsdaughter

Fri Sep 9, 2011 6:11 am (PDT)

I was 5. My father had left to visit his family in another country.

My mother must've been pissed that he left and feeling abandoned. I was trying

to cheer her and smiled. She muttered, " I'm stuck here with you and your idiot

smile. "

I will never, ever forget her saying that. That was when I began to see she

wasn't as sweet, even-tempered--or social--as other mommies. "

[Guest guest]

Fiona, it's a wonder you ever smiled at anyone ever again. That's the kind of

think adults can say to a child that will profoundly alter them for life. How

cruel!

Em

> I was 5. My father had left to visit his family in another country.

>

> My mother must've been pissed that he left and feeling abandoned. I was trying

to cheer her and smiled. She muttered, " I'm stuck here with you and your idiot

smile. "

>

> I will never, ever forget her saying that. That was when I began to see she

wasn't as sweet, even-tempered--or social--as other mommies.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. Its an indication of how traumatizing that was for you to hear, that

you remember it so distinctly. Severe trauma tends to either get burned into

the brain in vivid detail, or submerged entirely into the subconscious. Yes,

that was a vicious thing for a mother to say to her little child; just another

indicator of how some with pds are really not qualified enough or emotionally

stable enough or rational enough to be raising children.

-Annie

>

> > I was 5. My father had left to visit his family in another country.

> >

> > My mother must've been pissed that he left and feeling abandoned. I was

trying to cheer her and smiled. She muttered, " I'm stuck here with you and your

idiot smile. "

> >

> > I will never, ever forget her saying that. That was when I began to see she

wasn't as sweet, even-tempered--or social--as other mommies.

> >

> >

>

>

>

>