Re: Some passages from 'Understanding the Borderline Mother

[Guest guest]

It is frightening for sure, sorry you had the middle of the night freak-outs

too. Horrible horrible things for a child who can't leave the situation.

> >

> > Evening All,

> >

> > So I bought 'Understanding the Borderline Mother,' the other day and read a

> >large chunk at the weekend. Enlightening and yet upsetting. V v v upsetting.

> >Some of the passages made me remember events/incidents from childhood that

I've

> >not recalled for a long time. I jotted some of them down for some reason and

I

> >wanted to share them. I sort of feel a need to share them, I'm not sure why.

So

> >I thought I'd send them out on this with the passages from the book (in

single

> >quotations marks below) that jogged my memory. I hope people don't mind; I

feel

> >very self-obsessed right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I need to share

these

> >memories with someone and, well, who else in the world might get it other

than

> >you guys.

> >

> > Wishing you all well - and wishing so much none of us had to go through all

of

> >this. It's so unfair!!!

> >

> >

> > Sara

> >

> >

> > 'Some children of borderlines experience children as an emotional prison

camp

> >ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards.'

> >

> > Totally felt this! At age 11 I had the location of all of the medication in

the

> >house mapped out in case I had to 'escape' through suicide.

> >

> >

> > 'Trapped in a world that others cannot see, feel or understand, the

> >borderline's child feels hopelessly lost.'

> >

> > That was exactly it. Still is I suppose. Everyone chilling, smiling

laughing.

> >Only I know that the look in nada's eyes behind the sociable smile means 'I'm

> >going to get you later.' Terrifying!!!! Like being in a horror movie when

only

> >you know that your nada is not really a mother, but is actually a demon who

is

> >going to get you when everyone's gone home.

> >

> >

> > 'I guess it was impossible for an adult who had not been present to believe

> >that she was the one who was lying...She was always so convincing.'

> >

> > Yes! Yes! Yes! Exactly it. And why I always thought I was 'mad'.

> >

> > 'Some borderline mothers physically or verbally attack their children in the

> >middle of the night, when the children, unfortunately, are most vulnerable.'

> >

> > Oh my God. Exactly. She used to wait until the middle of the night when I

> >couldn't walk out and then scream at me for hours. I'd just sit on my bed

with

> >my hands over my ears crying while she'd scream.; then leave, slamming the

door.

> >Come back in. Scream some more. Leave, slamming the door again. Etc. Etc.

> >

> >

> > ' and her sister remembered many episodes when their mother was set off

by

> >some trivial incident such as a misplaced item of clothing.'

> >

> > My most memorable such incident involved my leaving an empty yoghurt pot on

the

> >coffee table in the living room. Screaming followed by weeks of sulking....

> >

> > 'Children of borderlines become preoccupied with reading their mother's mood

in

> >order to ward off a possible crisis or prevent being attacked...They may have

> >difficulty concentrating on anything else.'

> >

> > Absolutely true. As she starts speaking I tense up, chest tightens, throat

> >becomes a little drier, stomach churns somewhat...as her tone remains

> >light/non-angry, I release. Then it all happens again and again and again.

And

> >people don't understand why we feel NC is our only sane option

> >sometime!!!!!!!!????? No-one can judge us if they can't understand what we've

> >been through.

> >

> > 'She would cut her off until 's guilt and anxiety built to an

intolerable

> >level...From the time she was a young child, her mother would use guilt and

fear

> >to control her.'

> >

> > Totally true in my case. The 'sulks' used to kill me as a child. 'Are you

okay

> >Mum?' Yes. 'Are you sure, can I make you a cup of tea or something?' 'No. I

> >don't want anything from you.' 'You sound annoyed with me Mum. Have I done

> >anything wrong?' 'You should know the answer to that.' She'd keep it up for

> >weeks. As I desparately tried to get her to be nice to me. What kind of human

> >could do that to a child.

> >

> >

> > 'Widespread ignorance regarding BPD perpetuates the hopelessness that

children

> >with borderline parents experience. They feel abandoned by society at large

> >whenever their reality is discounted.'

> >

> > Yep yep yep.

> >

> > 'When children bring concerns to the attention of the borderline parent,

they

> >receive a response that either increases their distress or entirely dismisses

> >their concerns'

> >

> > Yep yep yep. (I hyperventilated at a sports thing when I was about 13. Told

> >nada, as I was so upset and she shouted at me for being so stupid. 'How dare

you

> >hyperventilate over something so stupid!!! I used to hyperventilate when my

dad

> >was dying. And you hyperventilate over something as ridiculous as not being

able

> >to get over the wall!!!?? Don't ever tell me something like that again.'

> >

> >

> > 'The mother's appearance reveals the change in her mental state. The pupils

of

> >the eye's enlarge, giving the individual a shark-like look.'

> >

> > So true! Pre or mid-rage, her eyes would practically change colour. So

> >scareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

> >

> > 'Some children of borderlines secretly wish that their mother would die, not

> >because they hate her, but because living with her seems impossible.'

> >

> > Yep. I know that sounds like it makes me an awful person, but I do feel like

> >that, often.

> >

> >

> > 'Children raised by borderlines may spend their childhood balanced on the

edge

> >of disaster and may suffer from anxiety from the rest of their lives.'

> >

> > This makes me so so sad. The idea that I may never be free from the anxiety

> >that I feel 95% of the time. So so so sad. And angry. Life is not fair, huh.

> >

> >

> > 'Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of

their

> >Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the

> >right to pass judgment on such situations...In some cases, it is in the best

> >interest of both mother and child to disengage completely.'

> >

> > Totally get this! Haven't (had the strength to?) even go LC but I wonder if

I

> >can live with regular contact. Or whether I will remain a mess forever if I

do

> >so.

> >

>

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