Guest guest Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Hi Musiclady, Welcome to this list. You will find lots of people in similar situations who can tell you what happened and what worked in their situation. I don't have kids so when I went NC with my nada (not a mother), I didn't have to deal with that aspect. Just what I would do if I have kids is feel like my kids need to be protected at all costs, so I would go NC with nada and stepfather (if it was me). Expect that initially or even for a while that she will put up a fight and try even harder to break your boundaries. But from what I understand, if you hold steady and firm with your boundaries and the NC, eventually she'll realize you won't break. There are others on here who have been in your exact situation so hopefully they can chime in and tell you how it worked for them. Again, welcome. You will find people here know EXACTLY what you've been going through. We are here to validate and support you in whatever you choose, be it NC, LC, or full contact. > > Hi all. > i am new on this journey with my bp mom. I have spent a life > time trying to be me, not realizing until about 2 years ago that > my family life was not " normal " . I'd had my mom ring health > nurses, with out my consent, and when she got no where, ring > higher up and nearly cost that person their job. I'd had mom get > mad at my teachers in school when they didn't do what she wanted, > ringing them at night. I'd had mom report my kids to family > services but didn't tell me until last week that she did this, 2 > years later. I'd had mom write letters to say that my husband > controls my every move, when it's HER trying it. > I'd struggled to get out for under this control. I used to shut > down when mom tried her tactics on me. I used to try to please > but alternately give up because it was so hard. I'm at the point > of almost NC with my mom and stepfather. However, one thing > stops me. It's the kids. > I have 3 of them. My parents still send my stuff for the kids. > What could happen if i go NC? Will they fight for the kids? I > fear what they might do. > Any one relate to me? I feel reY allone right now... > Thanks. > Musiclady > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Hi Musiclady, Welcome to the Group. You are not alone. From time to time we get members here who have a bpd parent or parents who are *extremely* controlling, demanding and coercive, just as you describe. Such individuals probably have a big helping of narcissistic pd traits; they demand special treatment, demand for their wishes and preferences to be followed absolutely, and feel entitled to make these demands. They feel justified in making life very difficult for those who do not comply with " orders " and will even turn on their adult children if they are not properly compliant and obedient. The children of such individuals are pretty much treated as possessions, rather like prize show dogs. Its a remarkable tribute to your own inner resilience that you were able to survive such parenting, break free of her control, marry, and have a family of your own. If your bpd mother has in the past or is continuing attempts to have your children removed from your care by making false accusations against you and your husband with Child Protective Services, attempting to ruin your personal reputations with your employers or clients, or perform identity theft or other such very real threats, then, in my own personal opinion that is the point at which I'd get myself a lawyer and start the process for obtaining a restraining order. With such extreme, obsessive, entitled behavior, its not outside the realm of possibility that your bpd mother might try to pick up your children at school and take them with her to " protect " them from you. So, this is just my own personal opinion, but I think that contacting a lawyer and starting the process to obtain a restraining order is in your best interest RE protecting you and your family from further harassment and threats. Meanwhile, if your mother begins doing things like showing up on your property without an invitation, causing property damage, stealing your mail, etc., each time she shows up on your property, call the police to remove her. That will start a paper trail that can assist you/your lawyer in obtaining a restraining order. Note that the process and requirements to obtain a RO will vary from state to state, so its a good idea to collect evidence of her harassment attempts (hostile, threatening e-mails, voice mails, letters, etc.) and write down with as much detail as you can about all her past attempts, listing any witnesses if there are any. Best of luck to you, and post when and if you can and feel like it. You've found a group of people who " get it. " -Annie > > Hi all. > i am new on this journey with my bp mom. I have spent a life > time trying to be me, not realizing until about 2 years ago that > my family life was not " normal " . I'd had my mom ring health > nurses, with out my consent, and when she got no where, ring > higher up and nearly cost that person their job. I'd had mom get > mad at my teachers in school when they didn't do what she wanted, > ringing them at night. I'd had mom report my kids to family > services but didn't tell me until last week that she did this, 2 > years later. I'd had mom write letters to say that my husband > controls my every move, when it's HER trying it. > I'd struggled to get out for under this control. I used to shut > down when mom tried her tactics on me. I used to try to please > but alternately give up because it was so hard. I'm at the point > of almost NC with my mom and stepfather. However, one thing > stops me. It's the kids. > I have 3 of them. My parents still send my stuff for the kids. > What could happen if i go NC? Will they fight for the kids? I > fear what they might do. > Any one relate to me? I feel reY allone right now... > Thanks. > Musiclady > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Welcome to the group, music lady!!! I would only add that if you need protection from your nada, then your kids do doubly so. I think a huge problem in our culture is that we believe all mother's love their children and grandchildren. They do not. Once our culture can accept that, it will be much easier for you and me and all the others like us who have frightening parents to protect ourselves. As for me, I do not have children, but I hope to one day (I'm getting too old). I have been NC (no contact) for 8 years, and I plan to keep my child a secret from my parents and relatives. I'll do my best. I've created my own little subculture of friends and loved ones, with the help of my T (therapist), and I intend to continue down that line. That will mean keeping baby announcements out of the paper and things like that, but I'm fine with that. Luckily, my nada is not the stalking kind. She split me black my whole life, and when I disappeared, she found it easy to get her Narc Supply from other places. I think its harder on my dishrag dag, who is torn, but he loud and clear chose his wife over his daughter and in doing so ended our relationship. Good luck to you!!!! It does get easier. Love, Girlscout On Mon, Sep 12, 2011 at 1:46 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > Hi Musiclady, > > Welcome to the Group. You are not alone. > > From time to time we get members here who have a bpd parent or parents who > are *extremely* controlling, demanding and coercive, just as you describe. > > Such individuals probably have a big helping of narcissistic pd traits; > they demand special treatment, demand for their wishes and preferences to be > followed absolutely, and feel entitled to make these demands. They feel > justified in making life very difficult for those who do not comply with > " orders " and will even turn gron their adult children if they are not > properly compliant and obedient. The children of such individuals are pretty > much treated as possessions, rather like prize show dogs. Its a remarkable > tribute to your own inner resilience that you were able to survive such > parenting, break free of her control, marry, and have a family of your own. > > If your bpd mother has in the past or is continuing attempts to have your > children removed from your care by making false accusations against you and > your husband with Child Protective Services, attempting to ruin your > personal reputations with your employers or clients, or perform identity > theft or other such very real threats, then, in my own personal opinion that > is the point at which I'd get myself a lawyer and start the process for > obtaining a restraining order. With such extreme, obsessive, entitled > behavior, its not outside the realm of possibility that your bpd mother > might try to pick up your children at school and take them with her to > " protect " them from you. > > So, this is just my own personal opinion, but I think that contacting a > lawyer and starting the process to obtain a restraining order is in your > best interest RE protecting you and your family from further harassment and > threats. > > Meanwhile, if your mother begins doing things like showing up on your > property without an invitation, causing property damage, stealing your mail, > etc., each time she shows up on your property, call the police to remove > her. That will start a paper trail that can assist you/your lawyer in > obtaining a restraining order. Note that the process and requirements to > obtain a RO will vary from state to state, so its a good idea to collect > evidence of her harassment attempts (hostile, threatening e-mails, voice > mails, letters, etc.) and write down with as much detail as you can about > all her past attempts, listing any witnesses if there are any. > > Best of luck to you, and post when and if you can and feel like it. You've > found a group of people who " get it. " > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hi all. > > i am new on this journey with my bp mom. I have spent a life > > time trying to be me, not realizing until about 2 years ago that > > my family life was not " normal " . I'd had my mom ring health > > nurses, with out my consent, and when she got no where, ring > > higher up and nearly cost that person their job. I'd had mom get > > mad at my teachers in school when they didn't do what she wanted, > > ringing them at night. I'd had mom report my kids to family > > services but didn't tell me until last week that she did this, 2 > > years later. I'd had mom write letters to say that my husband > > controls my every move, when it's HER trying it. > > I'd struggled to get out for under this control. I used to shut > > down when mom tried her tactics on me. I used to try to please > > but alternately give up because it was so hard. I'm at the point > > of almost NC with my mom and stepfather. However, one thing > > stops me. It's the kids. > > I have 3 of them. My parents still send my stuff for the kids. > > What could happen if i go NC? Will they fight for the kids? I > > fear what they might do. > > Any one relate to me? I feel reY allone right now... > > Thanks. > > Musiclady > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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