struggling today

[Guest guest]

I am struggling today... Why? Why me? Why do my mum and step dad

want to lash out and hurt me? They obviously are hurting but

choose to lash out and hurt because they are.

Why can't it just be a " normal " family?

Why am I the one who always gets the blame for things?

Why just when I think I'm able to accept things, it becomes hard

again.

Thanks,

Musiclady

[Guest guest]

i'm so sorry, musiclady.

i'm with you; why can't our families support one another? it feels like a

constant being on the defensive for an attack.

for me, the answer has been less and less contact. it's the only way to provide

myself some sanity and boundaries.

my mother is very hurting as well but it's interesting to me that, even in her

pain, she doesn't neglect to " zing " me or guilt me. I don't know what happened

to her in her life that caused her to be such an accuser of me and, really, of

everyone who happens to be close to her.

we're here for you, musiclady; again, so sorry for your pain. i hope it helps to

know there are many who know how you feel and support you.

Fiona

>

> I am struggling today... Why? Why me? Why do my mum and step dad

> want to lash out and hurt me? They obviously are hurting but

> choose to lash out and hurt because they are.

> Why can't it just be a " normal " family?

> Why am I the one who always gets the blame for things?

> Why just when I think I'm able to accept things, it becomes hard

> again.

> Thanks,

> Musiclady

>

[Guest guest]

Why do they do this? The most plausible theory to me is that the person with

bpd cannot tolerate having negative feelings about herself. It feels like

self-annihilation (extinction of the self) to accept blame, to feel guilt, to

feel that they are wrong, to feel that they are not perfect... so they project

these unwanted negative feelings about themselves onto other people.

To me that is the penultimate " sin " of the Cluster B disorders, so to speak.

I've used the following rather cartoony analogy before to illustrate this *sense

of entitlement* to inflict pain on others to assuage and relieve their own pain

and discharge their own culpability:

(a) Normal, non-pd person whacks her own finger with a hammer accidentally: It

HURTS! She wails in pain, she cries, she may call herself a few harsh names, and

she's grateful if you (her friend or spouse or loved one) offers her sympathy

and care.

( Personality-disordered person whacks her own finger with a hammer

accidentally: It HURTS! She wails in pain... then comes over to where you are

with the hammer and whacks your finger with it so you will be in as much pain as

she is. Then she blames you for her having hit her own finger in the first

place, somehow, and demands an apology. Then she demands that you tend to her

hurt finger (while ignoring your own hurt.) Then she either denies having hit

your finger with her hammer entirely (rewrites history, making you out to be a

liar) or calls you a manipulative drama queen for pointing out that your finger

is smashed. Etc.

The pd person will automatically (even cheerfully, with a sense of entitlement

and justification) use projection and blaming so that you, her loved one, now

carry her negative or painful feelings for her. Ahhhh! She feels so much

better now.

-Annie

> >

> > I am struggling today... Why? Why me? Why do my mum and step dad

> > want to lash out and hurt me? They obviously are hurting but

> > choose to lash out and hurt because they are.

> > Why can't it just be a " normal " family?

> > Why am I the one who always gets the blame for things?

> > Why just when I think I'm able to accept things, it becomes hard

> > again.

> > Thanks,

> > Musiclady

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, love that analogy; it perfectly illustrates life with a PD person!

>

> Why do they do this? The most plausible theory to me is that the person with

bpd cannot tolerate having negative feelings about herself. It feels like

self-annihilation (extinction of the self) to accept blame, to feel guilt, to

feel that they are wrong, to feel that they are not perfect... so they project

these unwanted negative feelings about themselves onto other people.

>

> To me that is the penultimate " sin " of the Cluster B disorders, so to speak.

I've used the following rather cartoony analogy before to illustrate this *sense

of entitlement* to inflict pain on others to assuage and relieve their own pain

and discharge their own culpability:

>

> (a) Normal, non-pd person whacks her own finger with a hammer accidentally: It

HURTS! She wails in pain, she cries, she may call herself a few harsh names, and

she's grateful if you (her friend or spouse or loved one) offers her sympathy

and care.

>

> ( Personality-disordered person whacks her own finger with a hammer

accidentally: It HURTS! She wails in pain... then comes over to where you are

with the hammer and whacks your finger with it so you will be in as much pain as

she is. Then she blames you for her having hit her own finger in the first

place, somehow, and demands an apology. Then she demands that you tend to her

hurt finger (while ignoring your own hurt.) Then she either denies having hit

your finger with her hammer entirely (rewrites history, making you out to be a

liar) or calls you a manipulative drama queen for pointing out that your finger

is smashed. Etc.

>

> The pd person will automatically (even cheerfully, with a sense of entitlement

and justification) use projection and blaming so that you, her loved one, now

carry her negative or painful feelings for her. Ahhhh! She feels so much

better now.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks,

It really helps.

Musiclady

Re: struggling today

i'm so sorry, musiclady.

i'm with you; why can't our families support one another? it

feels like a constant being on the defensive for an attack.

for me, the answer has been less and less contact. it's the only

way to provide myself some sanity and boundaries.

my mother is very hurting as well but it's interesting to me

that, even in her pain, she doesn't neglect to " zing " me or guilt

me. I don't know what happened to her in her life that caused

her to be such an accuser of me and, really, of everyone who

happens to be close to her.

we're here for you, musiclady; again, so sorry for your pain. i

hope it helps to know there are many who know how you feel and

support you.

Fiona

I am struggling today... Why? Why me? Why do my mum and step

dad

want to lash out and hurt me? They obviously are hurting but

choose to lash out and hurt because they are.

Why can't it just be a " normal " family?

Why am I the one who always gets the blame for things?

Why just when I think I'm able to accept things, it becomes hard

again.

Thanks,

Musiclady

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

Annie,

You hit the nail on the head ( pun intended) with this analogy. Well done and

thanks,

True

> > >

> > > I am struggling today... Why? Why me? Why do my mum and step dad

> > > want to lash out and hurt me? They obviously are hurting but

> > > choose to lash out and hurt because they are.

> > > Why can't it just be a " normal " family?

> > > Why am I the one who always gets the blame for things?

> > > Why just when I think I'm able to accept things, it becomes hard

> > > again.

> > > Thanks,

> > > Musiclady

> > >

> >

>