Sad

[Guest guest]

I have lived through the total destruction of my personality by my mom and went

on to have 5 kids, have a great husband, and be pretty productive.

I am medium chill with my elderly parents.

I am emotionally closed to them, but I do allow them to be part of our lives and

in the lives of my kids.

I am struck by sadness today...knowing that one day, they will not be here

anymore...and I will go on without them.

So much wasted time...so many tears. How can this be life?

I used to work on a suicide hotline to help myself when I was too ashamed to ask

for help. I've endured emotional torture by my mom for years and years. I'm so

tired.

How do you all handle the idea of losing these people who have wreaked havoc on

your lives and make peace with their loss and the loss of the dream of ever

having a sweet, genuine relationship with your parent?

Amy

[Guest guest]

I think its normal to feel spells sadness from time to time; its just part of

being human.

But at the same time, I think you've asked the bottom-line, core question, in my

opinion; the reason (I think) we're all here: How do we come to accept that this

is our reality: this is the way it is: that our parents are mentally ill (and in

some cases actually dangerous or harmful to us), there's nothing we can do to

change them, they have to want to try and change themselves, that all we can do

is change *ourselves* and the way we handle their abusive behaviors toward us,

which boils down to either carefully managed contact (limited or otherwise) or

no contact.

That's what finding a path to peace and healing is all about; for me, anyway:

finding that means, that road that takes us through the denial, through the

grief and mourning, and into acceptance, and NOT letting the unfairness of it

all drag us down into despair and oblivion.

I don't know what to tell you, other than what works for me, and its not

perfect: it does not give perfect peace and perfect healing, it just helps me

find some peace and some healing.

What works for me, bottom line, the infrastructure below the surface, is that

for whatever reason, I seem to be a naturally optimistic person.

For whatever reason, I am able to just be in the moment when I think about it,

and just " be " , and enjoy what I have. I'm one of those " the glass is half full "

types. Its not something I tried to be, that's just... inherent, I guess. I

feel helped by reading the books about what bpd is, and about recovering from

trauma. I take comfort in this Group, and in my Sister and my friends. I've

been, for the most part, able to let go of the hope for change in nada. I've

been able to let go, for the most part, of accepting misplaced guilt and

responsibility for her feelings. And yet, I think I could benefit still more

from some therapy; which I hope to be able to afford next year.

You have to find what works for you.

I suppose in a way its like being told you have cancer. How do people deal with

THAT terrible reality? You go through all the stages of shock, denial,

bargaining, anger, grief and mourning until you reach acceptance, at which point

you do what you reasonably can to slow or stop the progress of the disease, and

LIVE YOUR LIFE with as much joy and sharing as you can in the time you have

left. Or you succumb to despair and waste the precious healthy, mobile, fully

functioning days you have left.

When I've tried to work through something on my own, and its not getting me

anywhere, there is no progress and I'm stuck, and my natural optimism isn't

enough to do the trick, then I seek outside help.

So, maybe if you're feeling stuck, there are sources outside yourself (besides

reading books about recovering from emotional abuse that are out there now) that

you can look into for a little jump-start on making some progress, such as

counseling or therapy? Or, if you are a religious person, your pastor? Or

something like meditation or the holistic approach?

Because we are each unique individuals, what works for me may not be relevant

for you, so you will need to do some exploring to find your path to reaching

acceptance and the ability to move forward and find peace, healing and joy.

-Annie

>

> I have lived through the total destruction of my personality by my mom and

went on to have 5 kids, have a great husband, and be pretty productive.

>

>

> I am medium chill with my elderly parents.

> I am emotionally closed to them, but I do allow them to be part of our lives

and in the lives of my kids.

>

>

> I am struck by sadness today...knowing that one day, they will not be here

anymore...and I will go on without them.

>

>

> So much wasted time...so many tears. How can this be life?

> I used to work on a suicide hotline to help myself when I was too ashamed to

ask for help. I've endured emotional torture by my mom for years and years. I'm

so tired.

>

>

> How do you all handle the idea of losing these people who have wreaked havoc

on your lives and make peace with their loss and the loss of the dream of ever

having a sweet, genuine relationship with your parent?

>

>

> Amy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

What a wonderfully compassionate reply. I'm going through what Amy described

too. Unfortunately, I am not a naturally optimistic person. I have to work at

it....hard. My nada is extremely negative and I am emotionally contagious (I

suck up and begin feeling the emotions of those people around me), so I learned

early on how to be a negative thinker.

Last year I went back to school to study massage therapy. It was something I

always wanted to do, but something that my FOO thought was beneath me. Well, I

graduated with honors and I felt super terrific about myself. I even convinced

my nada that there was actually value to massage, that it wasn't simply a luxury

for the rich.

I was on top of the world. I got on a diet; lost 10 lbs; started exercising

daily and then....... (da da da dum) I had a fight with my nada three weeks ago

that totally undid all the confidence I was feeling. I haven't been able to

diet or exercise since. I'm anxious and depressed and I feel generally awful. I

barely have the motivation to function and the last thing I want to do is

massage people.

Since I don't work (haven't been able to get many massage clients), I spend most

of my time at home, thinking constantly about all of this. My motivation and my

self confidence are in the toilet. My negative thinking habits are in full

swing and I can't see a way out.

I made an appointment with a therapist for next week. I'm hoping she can help

me find my way out. I'm really hoping to find resolution with all of this

because I know now its the only way I'm going to get any peace to my life. I'm

really pissed that I was up on that pedestal and got knocked down. I want to be

up there again. I felt so healthy and happy and good about myself and the

world.

So not only am I mourning giving up the sucky relationship I had with my family,

but I'm also mourning losing that wonderful feeling I had and I'm hating my nada

for taking it away from me. Now I'm scrambling, trying to find a way back to

that place. I'm driving my family nuts (and me in the process). Here's to

hoping I can get some peace soon.

AnnieL

> >

> > I have lived through the total destruction of my personality by my mom and

went on to have 5 kids, have a great husband, and be pretty productive.

> >

> >

> > I am medium chill with my elderly parents.

> > I am emotionally closed to them, but I do allow them to be part of our lives

and in the lives of my kids.

> >

> >

> > I am struck by sadness today...knowing that one day, they will not be here

anymore...and I will go on without them.

> >

> >

> > So much wasted time...so many tears. How can this be life?

> > I used to work on a suicide hotline to help myself when I was too ashamed to

ask for help. I've endured emotional torture by my mom for years and years. I'm

so tired.

> >

> >

> > How do you all handle the idea of losing these people who have wreaked havoc

on your lives and make peace with their loss and the loss of the dream of ever

having a sweet, genuine relationship with your parent?

> >

> >

> > Amy

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

For sure, Annie, here's hoping for you to get " unstuck " soon and back up on that

self-confident, good self-esteem pedestal that you worked so hard to get to, and

deserve to be on.

Maybe this is something to treat as a learning experience, i.e., you can't get

blood from a turnip: you can't get validation and approval from your nada. She

doesn't have any to give you. Not only does she have no validation and no

approval to give you, she will deliberately take away what you do have, if you

let her.

I learned that no matter what I did it was never good enough for my nada, so I

stopped telling her things, stopped sharing my life with her. Even before I

went No Contact and before I knew what " Medium Chill " was called, I was using a

form of it. If nada asked me what I'd been doing lately (in my career) it

didn't matter if I'd just gotten a raise or a new client or something, I'd just

say, " Oh, you know. Same old stuff. What's new with you? "

But there are people in your life who have and will give you that well-earned

validation and approval that everyone needs: you graduated with honors, that is

a wonderful achievement!

And we're your cheering section too; its wonderful when members here share

things that they've achieved so we can give you an " Atta girl! " or an " Atta

boy! "

> > >

> > > I have lived through the total destruction of my personality by my mom and

went on to have 5 kids, have a great husband, and be pretty productive.

> > >

> > >

> > > I am medium chill with my elderly parents.

> > > I am emotionally closed to them, but I do allow them to be part of our

lives and in the lives of my kids.

> > >

> > >

> > > I am struck by sadness today...knowing that one day, they will not be here

anymore...and I will go on without them.

> > >

> > >

> > > So much wasted time...so many tears. How can this be life?

> > > I used to work on a suicide hotline to help myself when I was too ashamed

to ask for help. I've endured emotional torture by my mom for years and years.

I'm so tired.

> > >

> > >

> > > How do you all handle the idea of losing these people who have wreaked

havoc on your lives and make peace with their loss and the loss of the dream of

ever having a sweet, genuine relationship with your parent?

> > >

> > >

> > > Amy

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Well, I can only share my experience. My n-father died the end of May this year,

and for many weeks the only thing I felt was incredible relief, then there was

one day that I was very angry: " he left us with the witch again. " Since then,

nothing.

But he was not really ever a part of my life- absent, and uncaring when I lived

at home, divorced my mother and married someone else, I tried to " be a good

daughter " - he would not acknowledge cards, gifts, phone calls, invitations. He

never even met my 2 younger grandsons, and hadn't seen the oldest since he was 6

mo old. He's 16 and an half yr old now.

N-father moved back in with my mother after wife 2 died. Same song, second

verse, only worse. Narents were at each other's throats constantly. I've been

either NC (12 years) or very LC (the last 22) with my mother, since my daughter

was born 35 years ago.

I suspected I will also be greatly relieved when she dies.

>

> I have lived through the total destruction of my personality by my mom and

went on to have 5 kids, have a great husband, and be pretty productive.

>

>

> I am medium chill with my elderly parents.

> I am emotionally closed to them, but I do allow them to be part of our lives

and in the lives of my kids.

>

>

> I am struck by sadness today...knowing that one day, they will not be here

anymore...and I will go on without them.

>

>

> So much wasted time...so many tears. How can this be life?

> I used to work on a suicide hotline to help myself when I was too ashamed to

ask for help. I've endured emotional torture by my mom for years and years. I'm

so tired.

>

>

> How do you all handle the idea of losing these people who have wreaked havoc

on your lives and make peace with their loss and the loss of the dream of ever

having a sweet, genuine relationship with your parent?

>

>

> Amy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

You are so wise...I always love your very insightful answers...this one was

particularly compassionate. I know. You're right. Having a BPD mom is really

bad...but it's really not the worst thing in the whole world. It seems like it

is the worst. And there are so many instances in life where you have to count

your blessings through the difficult and torturous circumstances. Ultimately, we

all have ourselves. And nothing is worth giving up on that. I was panicking

today, thinking about when my parents won't be here anymore...and how I will

feel...and how I will panic...like, if I had just had more patience for her one

more time...but that is exactly how I've been conditioned...to think that

way...to think that one more act of selflessness could have changed who she was

to me...and maybe she would have shown me some unconditional love if I had just

endured one more crazy thought or action. But that's exactly the result of

post-traumatic stress that comes from having this kind of mom.

I'm the one who would never stop talking to someone to punish them...I would

never cut anyone out of my life because of a misunderstanding...I'm the one who

would never tell my daughter she is dead to me...I would never says most of the

things my mom said to me. It's not my fault!

Annie, I appreciate your kind words and insights. You really made me feel better

tonight...and allowed me to see a little light...and for that, I'm grateful.

Amy

[Guest guest]

I think Annie has put this very well. I will add that I have come to appreciate

mothering myself. I don't expect being mothered or understood the way I used to

from my nada, and when she extends kindness or we connect some I appreciate it,

but I do not expect it. I can count on myself and I try to be good and kind to

myself as well as others, and I stand up for myself much more these days and

protect myself more - it just so happens that sometimes it is from my own

mother. I also have come to really appreciate some of my women friends, of all

ages, for their good and kind and genuine qualities. We all have gifts to share

and enjoy having others recognize them and give us positive feedback.

In some respects I think a silver lining for me is that my situation with my own

BP mother has forced me to grow more and dig deeper into my own self and reach

out to others and be a better person for me and others. I really appreciate it

when people are simply genuine and kind and thoughtful. I don't take it for

granted. I focus, as Annie mentioned, in the moment more and try to really see

others.

I do have sad times too and still struggle sometimes with why my nada can't

appreciate me for who I am and enjoy me and my family for who we are, but I

eventually get tired of feeling badly about it and draw on my strength and inate

optimism. LIfe is way to short and I care way to much to be held down or dumped

on. There are those out there who do give positive back and will fill you up.

You deserve friends like that and they deserve a friend like you - and remember

you are your own best mother - be kind to you.

True

> >

> > I have lived through the total destruction of my personality by my mom and

went on to have 5 kids, have a great husband, and be pretty productive.

> >

> >

> > I am medium chill with my elderly parents.

> > I am emotionally closed to them, but I do allow them to be part of our lives

and in the lives of my kids.

> >

> >

> > I am struck by sadness today...knowing that one day, they will not be here

anymore...and I will go on without them.

> >

> >

> > So much wasted time...so many tears. How can this be life?

> > I used to work on a suicide hotline to help myself when I was too ashamed to

ask for help. I've endured emotional torture by my mom for years and years. I'm

so tired.

> >

> >

> > How do you all handle the idea of losing these people who have wreaked havoc

on your lives and make peace with their loss and the loss of the dream of ever

having a sweet, genuine relationship with your parent?

> >

> >

> > Amy

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you True,

You have obviously come a long way.

I have too, yet sometimes I still rely on those old horrible giving up feelings

i used yo get when i was suicidal. A very tough habit to break.

I will take your advice to heart and use it. I wish I didn't fall back on old

feelings in regards to this subject...but it was my main way of coping.

Amy

barrycove@...