Guest guest Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 So I've been NC with nada for 9 months. I've been NC with flying monkey brother for almost a year. At first when I told nada not to contact me because I needed some space, she did the whole extinction burst thing. Then when I finally told her to not contact me at all (the first time I said only by phone and only in the event of an emergency--oh yes, you can imagine how that went off), she would try little sneak attacks. So not harassment but just trying to sneak attack and surprise me into having contact with her. She'd send me letters in the mail saying how she missed me (I told her to stop then just started throwing them away), she would comment on my blog (I just deleted them), and she even joined twitter briefly to try and tweet to me (I actually laughed at that one and blocked her instantly). Honestly, her efforts have been fairly mild compared to what I've heard from others when they tried to go NC. I should be happy about that, right? NC with nada is what I wanted, right? Well, it actually makes me really sad that I mean so little to her that she could write me off so quickly. That I mean so little to her that she won't get help or doesn't care about our relationship at all. And that's very weird to me too because she wasn't even really a mother to me. I don't have any memories of her raising me or even being around until I was 14, and then it was just to control me and try and use me like a pawn in my own life for her pleasure. It's not like I ever had more than an obligatory relationship with her anyways--I was always wishing it was more than obligation, but it never was. I only visited her because I owed her for being my mother (yeah, right), I never got anything positive out of our relationship, and when she was in deep bouts of depression, who got to listen to how she was a mistake and basically should never have been born? Yeah, me. Not my brothers. Me. I've almost been wanting to contact her to see if anything's changed, but I know that's just the grief(?) talking because she hasn't changed and nothing would be different. I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I did not ever really have a mother and this woman who birthed me will never be the mother I need or want. And I guess I'm feeling a little alone and like an orphan and coming to terms with that too. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Yes. I know!!! I go through the same thing. My nada didn't try anything at all to get in touch with me. She sent 2 or 3 cards in the mail with checks and a cruel message like " Sorry you hate me because I ALWAYS loved your BROTHERSSSS so much more. " She didn't call, e-mail, stop in, all my work, text, facebook - she really did nothing. When I get sad about her lack of interest, I just think " She must have found an easier way to fill her need for narcissitic supply. " I also think that she stays away because she KNOWS she fucked up very deeply and its easier to just let me float away to my own life rather than own up. Thats what helps me. > ** > > > So I've been NC with nada for 9 months. I've been NC with flying monkey > brother for almost a year. At first when I told nada not to contact me > because I needed some space, she did the whole extinction burst thing. Then > when I finally told her to not contact me at all (the first time I said only > by phone and only in the event of an emergency--oh yes, you can imagine how > that went off), she would try little sneak attacks. So not harassment but > just trying to sneak attack and surprise me into having contact with her. > She'd send me letters in the mail saying how she missed me (I told her to > stop then just started throwing them away), she would comment on my blog (I > just deleted them), and she even joined twitter briefly to try and tweet to > me (I actually laughed at that one and blocked her instantly). Honestly, her > efforts have been fairly mild compared eswhat I've heard from others when > they tried to go NC. I should be happy about that, right? NC with nada is > what I wanted, right? > > Well, it actually makes me really sad that I mean so little to her that she > could write me off so quickly. That I mean so little to her that she won't > get help or doesn't care about our relationship at all. And that's very > weird to me too because she wasn't even really a mother to me. I don't have > any memories of her raising me or even being around until I was 14, and then > it was just to control me and try and use me like a pawn in my own life for > her pleasure. It's not like I ever had more than an obligatory relationship > with her anyways--I was always wishing it was more than obligation, but it > never was. I only visited her because I owed her for being my mother (yeah, > right), I never got anything positive out of our relationship, and when she > was in deep bouts of depression, who got to listen to how she was a mistake > and basically should never have been born? Yeah, me. Not my brothers. Me. > > I've almost been wanting to contact her to see if anything's changed, but I > know that's just the grief(?) talking because she hasn't changed and nothing > would be different. > > I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I did not ever really > have a mother and this woman who birthed me will never be the mother I need > or want. And I guess I'm feeling a little alone and like an orphan and > coming to terms with that too. > > Does anyone know what I'm talking about? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 ((((())))) Yes, I can understand that, for sure. I have felt like an emotional orphan for, well, pretty much my whole life. It is sad to realize that the person we gave a special place to in our heart, the place reserved for Mother, never actually fit in that place. Its hard to get to that place where you can realize and accept that your mother's mental illness, how she treated you, how she made you feel about yourself, in reality had nothing to do with you, at all. You didn't giver her any reason to treat you the way she did; you didn't deserve to be rejected and mistreated and unloved. Its simply that that is how her mental illness manifested itself. And yes, I'm willing to bet that you are experiencing the several stages of grief and mourning. It takes as long as it takes for each of us to go through it, to process a lifetime of, well, stuff. We're here for you as you grieve. And sooner or later you'll pass through it to acceptance, and be able to find more joy. -Annie > > So I've been NC with nada for 9 months. I've been NC with flying monkey brother for almost a year. At first when I told nada not to contact me because I needed some space, she did the whole extinction burst thing. Then when I finally told her to not contact me at all (the first time I said only by phone and only in the event of an emergency--oh yes, you can imagine how that went off), she would try little sneak attacks. So not harassment but just trying to sneak attack and surprise me into having contact with her. She'd send me letters in the mail saying how she missed me (I told her to stop then just started throwing them away), she would comment on my blog (I just deleted them), and she even joined twitter briefly to try and tweet to me (I actually laughed at that one and blocked her instantly). Honestly, her efforts have been fairly mild compared to what I've heard from others when they tried to go NC. I should be happy about that, right? NC with nada is what I wanted, right? > > Well, it actually makes me really sad that I mean so little to her that she could write me off so quickly. That I mean so little to her that she won't get help or doesn't care about our relationship at all. And that's very weird to me too because she wasn't even really a mother to me. I don't have any memories of her raising me or even being around until I was 14, and then it was just to control me and try and use me like a pawn in my own life for her pleasure. It's not like I ever had more than an obligatory relationship with her anyways--I was always wishing it was more than obligation, but it never was. I only visited her because I owed her for being my mother (yeah, right), I never got anything positive out of our relationship, and when she was in deep bouts of depression, who got to listen to how she was a mistake and basically should never have been born? Yeah, me. Not my brothers. Me. > > I've almost been wanting to contact her to see if anything's changed, but I know that's just the grief(?) talking because she hasn't changed and nothing would be different. > > I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I did not ever really have a mother and this woman who birthed me will never be the mother I need or want. And I guess I'm feeling a little alone and like an orphan and coming to terms with that too. > > Does anyone know what I'm talking about? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Ooooh, . I feel the same way and I've used the same terms when I try to explain my sadness. I believe it is grieving. Grieving the loss of a life you can never have and the loss of a parent to mental illness. Yeah, that's cause for sorrow. We're all here for support. Hugs, K > > So I've been NC with nada for 9 months. I've been NC with flying monkey brother for almost a year. At first when I told nada not to contact me because I needed some space, she did the whole extinction burst thing. Then when I finally told her to not contact me at all (the first time I said only by phone and only in the event of an emergency--oh yes, you can imagine how that went off), she would try little sneak attacks. So not harassment but just trying to sneak attack and surprise me into having contact with her. She'd send me letters in the mail saying how she missed me (I told her to stop then just started throwing them away), she would comment on my blog (I just deleted them), and she even joined twitter briefly to try and tweet to me (I actually laughed at that one and blocked her instantly). Honestly, her efforts have been fairly mild compared to what I've heard from others when they tried to go NC. I should be happy about that, right? NC with nada is what I wanted, right? > > Well, it actually makes me really sad that I mean so little to her that she could write me off so quickly. That I mean so little to her that she won't get help or doesn't care about our relationship at all. And that's very weird to me too because she wasn't even really a mother to me. I don't have any memories of her raising me or even being around until I was 14, and then it was just to control me and try and use me like a pawn in my own life for her pleasure. It's not like I ever had more than an obligatory relationship with her anyways--I was always wishing it was more than obligation, but it never was. I only visited her because I owed her for being my mother (yeah, right), I never got anything positive out of our relationship, and when she was in deep bouts of depression, who got to listen to how she was a mistake and basically should never have been born? Yeah, me. Not my brothers. Me. > > I've almost been wanting to contact her to see if anything's changed, but I know that's just the grief(?) talking because she hasn't changed and nothing would be different. > > I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I did not ever really have a mother and this woman who birthed me will never be the mother I need or want. And I guess I'm feeling a little alone and like an orphan and coming to terms with that too. > > Does anyone know what I'm talking about? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 We cannot get water from a rock. At some point I had to accept that I cannot get the mother stuff from my mother. It has involved grief for me, but I try to feel my feelings even when they are uncomfortable. Maybe you're missing the chaos? It takes time to adjust to changes. Stay the course. > > So I've been NC with nada for 9 months. I've been NC with flying monkey brother for almost a year. At first when I told nada not to contact me because I needed some space, she did the whole extinction burst thing. Then when I finally told her to not contact me at all (the first time I said only by phone and only in the event of an emergency--oh yes, you can imagine how that went off), she would try little sneak attacks. So not harassment but just trying to sneak attack and surprise me into having contact with her. She'd send me letters in the mail saying how she missed me (I told her to stop then just started throwing them away), she would comment on my blog (I just deleted them), and she even joined twitter briefly to try and tweet to me (I actually laughed at that one and blocked her instantly). Honestly, her efforts have been fairly mild compared to what I've heard from others when they tried to go NC. I should be happy about that, right? NC with nada is what I wanted, right? > > Well, it actually makes me really sad that I mean so little to her that she could write me off so quickly. That I mean so little to her that she won't get help or doesn't care about our relationship at all. And that's very weird to me too because she wasn't even really a mother to me. I don't have any memories of her raising me or even being around until I was 14, and then it was just to control me and try and use me like a pawn in my own life for her pleasure. It's not like I ever had more than an obligatory relationship with her anyways--I was always wishing it was more than obligation, but it never was. I only visited her because I owed her for being my mother (yeah, right), I never got anything positive out of our relationship, and when she was in deep bouts of depression, who got to listen to how she was a mistake and basically should never have been born? Yeah, me. Not my brothers. Me. > > I've almost been wanting to contact her to see if anything's changed, but I know that's just the grief(?) talking because she hasn't changed and nothing would be different. > > I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I did not ever really have a mother and this woman who birthed me will never be the mother I need or want. And I guess I'm feeling a little alone and like an orphan and coming to terms with that too. > > Does anyone know what I'm talking about? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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