Guest guest Posted September 19, 2011 Report Share Posted September 19, 2011 For sure, I think anger can be healthy when it serves to protect a person from further abuse. I think anger is a more empowering emotion than fear: fear can freeze you in place ( " I'm too young/small/dependent/physically helpless to protect myself, I can't fight or flee " or " the abuser I know feels safer to me than facing the scary unknown alone " ) and its more empowering than shame: shame can take you to your knees in resigned submission ( " I deserve this abuse " .) And I agree that when the anger (or fear or even hate) has served its purpose: to infuse us with the courage to make ourselves safe and trust in that safety, then possibly there will come a time when we find that we don't need the self-protective negative feelings toward the abusive person anymore. If we get to that point: a genuine safe emotional and/or physical distance, we can choose the next step in our healing, whatever that is. I personally believe that the opposite of love is not hate or anger, but indifference. My transitional state has taken me from feeling anger and even hate toward my nada, toward indifference, but now I'm starting to feel pity for her. I'm transitioning into pity for her because of the Alzheimer's, which is an actual organic brain disease that she has no control over. With Alzheimer' (dementia) the brain is actually shrinking or even dissolving, and its not curable. Meds can only improve the symptoms, they can't re-grow the parts of the brain that dissolve away. Its a sad thing, and I feel pity for anyone whose brain is dissolving. What a horrible way to go. So, anyway... I agree with you that whatever process is working for you, is working for you, and that's the whole point. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with anger if its a self-defense mechanism and you're not being aggressive or revengeful in your anger, simply self-protective. -Annie > > > > > > Forgiving is for You, not necessarily for the offender. Keeping the > > > anger just builds more resentment, and they continue to occupy space in our > > > head. For me going NC for a while reduced the space they were occupying in my > > > head everyday, enabling me gradually to get on with MY life........not > > > worrying about what they wanted, what they felt, what they needed......every > > > freakin day. This, for me, was a much needed healing process. Again, > > > the forgiveness comes later. I didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive > > > them, and it took me years to get to that point > > > Laurie > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 9/19/2011 10:13:28 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, > > > floykoe@ writes: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kotchteddy writes, " Until I went NC, then LC, they were calling the > > > shots.......now I am. That's where the healing begins, forgiveness comes > > > later.........It takes time. " > > > > > > musiclady writes: > > > > > > I am lc and sruggling to be myself. > > > Steph > > > > > > What is forgiveness? > > > > > > transitive verb > > > 1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an > > > insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt> > > > 2 a: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive > > > one's enemies> > > > > > > _http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive_ > > > (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive) > > > > > > I think that Kotchteddy is right; first you have to heal. Maybe > > > forgiveness comes automatically after that. Check out 1b above " forgive a debt. " Our > > > parents owe us a debt that they cannot pay. Forgiveness may be an insight. > > > Up until the point of this insight, we expect to get paid what is due us. > > > After the insight, we release ourselves from the burden of this debt. > > > > > > I also think that this process happens in levels. Maybe the release > > > happens in installments. Maybe some of us never fully " pardon. " I haven't yet. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2011 Report Share Posted September 19, 2011 I think the bible calls this " righteous anger. " It is justified in order to protect and survive. However, I think we have to be careful not to let it turn into eternal anger, as in the case between Israel and Pakistan. This is the point when the anger controls us and destroys. We don't have to like the person to forgive. I think we can forgive someone and still not like them. They never have to know we forgave them; it's really none of their business in my opinion. > > > > > > Forgiving is for You, not necessarily for the offender. Keeping the > > > anger just builds more resentment, and they continue to occupy space in our > > > head. For me going NC for a while reduced the space they were occupying in my > > > head everyday, enabling me gradually to get on with MY life........not > > > worrying about what they wanted, what they felt, what they needed......every > > > freakin day. This, for me, was a much needed healing process. Again, > > > the forgiveness comes later. I didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive > > > them, and it took me years to get to that point > > > Laurie > > > > > > > > > In a message dated 9/19/2011 10:13:28 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, > > > floykoe@ writes: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Kotchteddy writes, " Until I went NC, then LC, they were calling the > > > shots.......now I am. That's where the healing begins, forgiveness comes > > > later.........It takes time. " > > > > > > musiclady writes: > > > > > > I am lc and sruggling to be myself. > > > Steph > > > > > > What is forgiveness? > > > > > > transitive verb > > > 1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an > > > insult> b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt> > > > 2 a: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon <forgive > > > one's enemies> > > > > > > _http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive_ > > > (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive) > > > > > > I think that Kotchteddy is right; first you have to heal. Maybe > > > forgiveness comes automatically after that. Check out 1b above " forgive a debt. " Our > > > parents owe us a debt that they cannot pay. Forgiveness may be an insight. > > > Up until the point of this insight, we expect to get paid what is due us. > > > After the insight, we release ourselves from the burden of this debt. > > > > > > I also think that this process happens in levels. Maybe the release > > > happens in installments. Maybe some of us never fully " pardon. " I haven't yet. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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