Ways to cope?

September 13, 2011

I've been previously thinking my dad was BPD, but in light of recent events I

think he's just plain evil. For legal reasons, I cannot go into detail about

what he's done. Let's just say... imagine if Tiger Woods was leading a double

life.

Are there ways to cope with the trauma that a BPD parent can bring into your

life? I've been through a lot of trauma in the last 26 years but this

definitely takes the cake. The situation is hard enough to deal with, but now

I'm sort of realizing who my real friends are. The people I've been putting my

energy and heart into, have so easily cast me aside during this time. One of

them even got suspicious and went as far as to talk to me as if I were like my

dad. I've sort of overstayed my welcome with the friends that do know, and my

best friend is going through extremely hard stuff too, so it's been difficult

reaching out to people. I've noticed others have a standoffish approach with

other people. They will be there and listen to what's happened, but beyond that

you are completely on your own.

The stress has gotten to me and I snapped at someone I shouldn't have and

completely lost it. I'm seriously embarrassed because I haven't known the

person that long, and now they probably think I'm some unstable freak. It was

the first time in my life I've ever gone off on someone, and I felt so

completely awful afterwards. Very ashamed.

I met with my old therapist today and that was helpful for a little bit, but

then I come home and I'm still handling this all by myself. My mother is the

only other one who knows what this is like. I've been having recurring

nightmares about what my father has done, and as a result I'm not sleeping and

I'm extremely stressed. I'm even waking up with sleep stress induced asthma

attacks in the middle of the night.

Any suggestions?

September 15, 2011

Dear Sweetsoulmusic,

Your post really leaps out of my computer screen to me. I hope this isn't too

close to home but you sound like you're really reaching out for help, not

finding it and getting to a crunch point? For me, I have felt the way you do now

quite often (and fairly recently) but worse I know that the same amount of

stress that you describe would lead me to feel a little suicidal so if you're

anything like me in that regard *please*, *please* find a way to give yourself a

break so that you don't reach that point....*nothing* is worth feeling like

that.

Having said that the aloneness of coping with stuff like this is s**t and I know

exactly what you mean about listening and no help beyond that, even from people

we trust as friends. You may have seen my earlier posts where I discussed stuff

with someone I regard as a friend and he practically ran away from me. It didn't

help in that I've been keeping stuff to myself for years and am trying to reach

out. I also know what you mean about overstaying your trusted

friends...something which I haven't experienced since school because I started

keeping things to myself and am now paying for that big time...but I know what

you mean. Being left in the s**t is so painful and I don't know if it's because

the way life is today that most people seem to be rushed, stressed, pressured,

not present, uncaring, standoffish, unable to cope with emotions, unable or

unwilling to help and many other things besides. Or at least it feels that way

to me. Now that I've started therapy myself I think I see these things in others

and feel it so rawly because of pain that colours everything even though I'm not

always aware of it.

In your situation I would be saying to myself not to feel guilty about wearing

out friends *but* that it is a sign that things are getting way too difficult

for myself and the people around me and that I need real solid trustworthy

support and help and that I need it now. These feelings are giving me a kick up

the butt to go and do something. Going to your therapist was a really good start

but given the stress you describe I would consider finding additional support

that helps in a practical way or at least a brief break away from things to

create distance and give some space.

Physically when stress is high the body goes into overdrive (see Seigal's

book about the reenforcing nature of stress, brain activity, hormones etc) and

the feelings and irritation etc are a natural consequence. Physically try to

find ways to soothe yourself so that you can give yourself a chance to move out

of the underlying physical processes that re-enforce the stress and probably

contributing to sleeplessness.

I wish I could offer advice about trauma but I have a feeling that I'm only on

the brink of understanding that I have been traumatised, but there a are plenty

of more wholesome people on this board who I bet will be able to help you out.

You're not alone and I hope that you find the kind of support, help and relief

for yourself soon.

Lavender

>

> I've been previously thinking my dad was BPD, but in light of recent events I

think he's just plain evil. For legal reasons, I cannot go into detail about

what he's done. Let's just say... imagine if Tiger Woods was leading a double

life.

>

> Are there ways to cope with the trauma that a BPD parent can bring into your