Re: Do this or you will die--but you CAN'T do this

[Guest guest]

Charlie -

Quite the realization. Wow. So proud of you for working through this with such

strength. Keep on keeping on.

K

>

> Hi list-mates,

>

> I am still working out that major (and terrible) revelation that both of my

parents forced me to try and be their 'spouse' on pain of death. I think I

needed to post just that, first of all, because it sounds so extreme that I

can't imagine anyone who's not very familiar with bpd/npd/psychopathy would

believe it could be true. Unfortunately, it is true. It is very true and a

recent bad romantic experience made it hit home for me like never before. Nada

tried to force me to be physically desirable to her and take care of her

physically. Narcissist father tried to force me to follow his 'rules' or

worshipping him and never asking him questions, and to be his emotional

mate/companion. Both of them gave strong, constant, explicit and implicit

messages that care, nurturing, shelter, FOOD, money, etc., would all be taken

away if I didn't do this.

>

> Or, TRY it. That's what it really striking me this morning. Because, my nada

also split me black. It was nada's life mission to make sure that I felt as

ugly and undesirable to men as she feared *she was. Yet, she also required me

to try and be her physical mate, she conditioned me to do this constantly, and

the memory is pre-verbal. Before I could TALK, she was teaching me this:

>

> You are ugly and gros to me! Be pretty, or you will die! But, you can't be

pretty! You are ugly!

>

> And then just to make things even MORE complicated, when she was trying to

prove to a stranger or sometimes even just to herself that she was 'good', or

when I had a new boyfriend that she was trying to claim as her own by merging

with me, I'd get, 'you are the most beautiful girl in the WORLD!'. Usually in

front of people.

>

> How did I survive this? I'm just now realizing how severe it was/is, and I'm

starting to try and process it. It's like I was raised with a knife to my

throat, on both sides.

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for the responses to this and the validation! I really needed

that yesterday. This is a brave new world now. I think that being a KO is

filled with really major revelations about complete lies we were conditioned to

believe, and then trying to transcend them. I hope this is the last one...but

who knows.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hi list-mates,

> >

> > I am still working out that major (and terrible) revelation that both of my

> > parents forced me to try and be their 'spouse' on pain of death. I think I

> > needed to post just that, first of all, because it sounds so extreme that I

> > can't imagine anyone who's not very familiar with bpd/npd/psychopathy would

> > believe it could be true. Unfortunately, it is true. It is very true and a

> > recent bad romantic experience made it hit home for me like never before.

> > Nada tried to force me to be physically desirable to her and take care of

> > her physically. Narcissist father tried to force me to follow his 'rules' or

> > worshipping him and never asking him questions, and to be his emotional

> > mate/companion. Both of them gave strong, constant, explicit and implicit

> > messages that care, nurturing, shelter, FOOD, money, etc., would all be

> > taken away if I didn't do this.

> >

> > Or, TRY it. That's what it really striking me this morning. Because, my

> > nada also split me black. It was nada's life mission to make sure that I

> > felt as ugly and undesirable to men as she feared *she was. Yet, she also

> > required me to try and be her physical mate, she conditioned me to do this

> > constantly, and the memory is pre-verbal. Before I could TALK, she was

> > teaching me this:

> >

> > You are ugly and gros to me! Be pretty, or you will die! But, you can't be

> > pretty! You are ugly!

> >

> > And then just to make things even MORE complicated, when she was trying to

> > prove to a stranger or sometimes even just to herself that she was 'good',

> > or when I had a new boyfriend that she was trying to claim as her own by

> > merging with me, I'd get, 'you are the most beautiful girl in the WORLD!'.

> > Usually in front of people.

> >

> > How did I survive this? I'm just now realizing how severe it was/is, and

> > I'm starting to try and process it. It's like I was raised with a knife to

> > my throat, on both sides.

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>