Let's hear it for validation

September 15, 2011

I had a great moment this afternoon when I was talking with a friend (let's call

her ) that lives in the same state where my FOO lives. is married to

Fred. After we moved away, and Fred, being friends of my sister, were

invited to my parents' house for various events. Since Fred has Celiac's and a

rare neurological disorder that is set off by consuming wheat, asked nada

carefully about what was being served and explained that her husband Fred had a

wheat allergy. Nada insisted that the barbecued brisket had no wheat in it and

Fred proceeded to eat it. After Fred took just a few bites, asked my nada

for her recipe. Nada proceeded to tell her how to cook it, including how to

thicken the barbecue sauce at the end with flour.

Needless to say, Fred was sick for three weeks and his neurological disorder was

triggered by just the two bites he ate. I was appalled and amazed that nada

would be so disrespectful and careless until told me that nada had been

sending my friend (the godfather of my children) lobster as a Christmas

gift each year. Not so bad except that everyone in my family knows that Chris

is highly allergic to shellfish. has been a member of my extended family

for 18 years. He's been to my house every holiday and family occasion we've had

including my sister's weddings (both of them), Easter, Christmas, birthdays,

etc. and any time shellfish is served, my family makes sure that there's

something else there for him to eat.

Apparently some of this behavior isn't even limited to nada because my sister,

her friend from college, decided to lecture after she went through a

harrowing D & C. had an nonviable pregnancy that was causing her to

hemorrhage and her blood pressure to spike, thereby putting her at risk for

stroking out. The D & C was necessary to save her life. When she told my sister

about it, my sister began to lecture her about how lucky she should feel that

she was able to even get pregnant because, after all, my sister was infertile.

said she'd had enough of my family when nada " showed her a$$ " at our

latest party. You see, lost her cat quite suddenly the day before the

party, so she was still feeling rather sad. When she told nada about her

sadness from losing the cat, nada's response was " I hate cats. "

I told how very sorry I was that she had to endure the insensitivity of my

FOO but that somewhere in all of that, I was grateful to receive some validation

for what I had been feeling lately. All along, I thought I was being singled

out. That perhaps I was overreacting to nada's bad behavior. Now I know, I

wasn't wrong at all!

AnnieL

September 15, 2011

Yes, there is something so amazingly validating about realizing that the bpd's

shockingly inappropriate, toxic, hostile behaviors *have nothing to do with

you*.

Like you I spent most of my life believing that my mother was angry at me and

accusatory toward me and disappointed in me, because I deserved it. I bought

it; I believed her that I was hopelessly defective and didn't try hard enough,

and it was always my fault, no matter what it was... I caused it.

So it was such a huge turning point in my perception of my nada to see her

bizarre paranoid delusions directed at another person who totally, absolutely

did not deserve such treatment, at all.

While I'm so sorry that your friend's husband was seriously injured by eating

your nada's food, and your friend's feelings were hurt by nada's thoughless

lack of sympathy when your friend lost her pet, I can understand how validating

it was to discover that your nada's hostile, malicious behaviors are not caused

by you, because she will direct her hostility at other people too.

-Annie

>

> I had a great moment this afternoon when I was talking with a friend (let's

call her ) that lives in the same state where my FOO lives. is

married to Fred. After we moved away, and Fred, being friends of my

sister, were invited to my parents' house for various events. Since Fred has

Celiac's and a rare neurological disorder that is set off by consuming wheat,

asked nada carefully about what was being served and explained that her

husband Fred had a wheat allergy. Nada insisted that the barbecued brisket had

no wheat in it and Fred proceeded to eat it. After Fred took just a few bites,

asked my nada for her recipe. Nada proceeded to tell her how to cook it,

including how to thicken the barbecue sauce at the end with flour.

>

> Needless to say, Fred was sick for three weeks and his neurological disorder

was triggered by just the two bites he ate. I was appalled and amazed that nada

would be so disrespectful and careless until told me that nada had been

sending my friend (the godfather of my children) lobster as a Christmas

gift each year. Not so bad except that everyone in my family knows that Chris

is highly allergic to shellfish. has been a member of my extended family

for 18 years. He's been to my house every holiday and family occasion we've had

including my sister's weddings (both of them), Easter, Christmas, birthdays,

etc. and any time shellfish is served, my family makes sure that there's

something else there for him to eat.

>

> Apparently some of this behavior isn't even limited to nada because my sister,

her friend from college, decided to lecture after she went through a

harrowing D & C. had an nonviable pregnancy that was causing her to

hemorrhage and her blood pressure to spike, thereby putting her at risk for

stroking out. The D & C was necessary to save her life. When she told my sister

about it, my sister began to lecture her about how lucky she should feel that

she was able to even get pregnant because, after all, my sister was infertile.

>

> said she'd had enough of my family when nada " showed her a$$ " at our

latest party. You see, lost her cat quite suddenly the day before the

party, so she was still feeling rather sad. When she told nada about her

sadness from losing the cat, nada's response was " I hate cats. "

>

> I told how very sorry I was that she had to endure the insensitivity of

my FOO but that somewhere in all of that, I was grateful to receive some

validation for what I had been feeling lately. All along, I thought I was being

singled out. That perhaps I was overreacting to nada's bad behavior. Now I

know, I wasn't wrong at all!

>

> AnnieL

>

September 15, 2011

HOLY CRAP!!!!!

Well, that does explain it - its not you. It's really not you.

On Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 3:01 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

> Yes, there is something so amazingly validating about realizing that the

> bpd's shockingly inappropriate, toxic, hostile behaviors *have nothing to do

> with you*.

>

> Like you I spent most of my life believing that my mother was angry at me

> and accusatory toward me and disappointed in me, because I deserved it. I

> bought it; I believed her that I was hopelessly defective and didn't try

> hard enough, and it was always my fault, no matter what it was... I caused

> it.

>

> So it was such a huge turning point in my perception of my nada to see her

> bizarre paranoid delusions directed at another person who totally,

> absolutely did not deserve such treatment, at all.

>

> While I'm so sorry that your friend's husband was seriously injured by

> eating your nada's food, and your friend's feelings were hurt by nada's

> thoughless lack of sympathy when your friend lost her pet, I can understand

> how validating it was to discover that your nada's hostile, malicious

> behaviors are not caused by you, because she will direct her hostility at

> other people too.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > I had a great moment this afternoon when I was talking with a friend

> (let's call her ) that lives in the same state where my FOO lives.

> is married to Fred. After we moved away, and Fred, being friends

> of my sister, were invited to my parents' house for various events. Since

> Fred has Celiac's and a rare neurological disorder that is set off by

> consuming wheat, asked nada carefully about what was being served and

> explained that her husband Fred had a wheat allergy. Nada insisted that the

> barbecued brisket had no wheat in it and Fred proceeded to eat it. After

> Fred took just a few bites, asked my nada for her recipe. Nada

> proceeded to tell her how to cook it, including how to thicken the barbecue

> sauce at the end with flour.

> >

> > Needless to say, Fred was sick for three weeks and his neurological

> disorder was triggered by just the two bites he ate. I was appalled and

> amazed that nada would be so disrespectful and careless until told me

> that nada had been sending my friend (the godfather of my children)

> lobster as a Christmas gift each year. Not so bad except that everyone in my

> family knows that is highly allergic to shellfish. has been a

> member of my extended family for 18 years. He's been to my house every

> holiday and family occasion we've had including my sister's weddings (both

> of them), Easter, Christmas, birthdays, etc. and any time shellfish is

> served, my family makes sure that there's something else there for him to

> eat.

> >

> > Apparently some of this behavior isn't even limited to nada because my

> sister, her friend from college, decided to lecture after she went

> through a harrowing D & C. had an nonviable pregnancy that was causing

> her to hemorrhage and her blood pressure to spike, thereby putting her at

> risk for stroking out. The D & C was necessary to save her life. When she told

> my sister about it, my sister began to lecture her about how lucky she

> should feel that she was able to even get pregnant because, after all, my

> sister was infertile.

> >

> > said she'd had enough of my family when nada " showed her a$$ " at

> our latest party. You see, lost her cat quite suddenly the day before

> the party, so she was still feeling rather sad. When she told nada about her

> sadness from losing the cat, nada's response was " I hate cats. "

> >

> > I told how very sorry I was that she had to endure the

> insensitivity of my FOO but that somewhere in all of that, I was grateful to

> receive some validation for what I had been feeling lately. All along, I

> thought I was being singled out. That perhaps I was overreacting to nada's

> bad behavior. Now I know, I wasn't wrong at all!

> >

> > AnnieL

> >

>

September 16, 2011

Seriously, it must feel fantastic to have outsiders visit your world for a bit!

Also, what your nada did was beyond rude. It was cruel to knowingly feed someone

something she knew would sicken them.