Re: she still doesn't get it

[Guest guest]

Before my Nada got to the point that she really needed to be in assisted

(supervised) living, there was a LONG time when she pulled the waif crap on me

to try and suck me into her dramas. When she did, I'd say, " well, it sounds

like you need to be in a nursing home. " And it would shut her up. If you

mother is really as incompetent and dependent as she sounds, then having the

house sold out from under her might be a golden opportunity to get her into a

senior apartment building or assisted living, if she needs it. (Believe me,

having the staff there to take some of the weight is wonderful.) And if she's

just trying to suck you in, try suggesting that to her. If she's not serious,

maybe she'll realize that crying wolf all the time is bound to get her eaten up

one of these days.

>

> Nada and I have been on a weekly call for some time now.

> Every so often, she'll have an " emergency " to call me about mid-week. I ignore

those calls unless she leaves me a message with a true emergency. (She called me

mid-week last week; I ignored her call, she didn't leave a message; turned out

she just wanted to remind me to pay her credit card bill. sigh)

>

> Every time I call her for our weekly conversation, she sounds like she's

making an effort to sound fatigued, ill, sleepless, sad, almost to make me feel

guilty for not letting her call on a daily basis and for my not calling her at

the same rate. I know she is probably very anxious and very depressed and I have

tried repeatedly to get her to see a professional, or at the very least to get a

low-dosage anxiety med from her gp. But she just isn't interested.

>

> Anyway, yesterday was our weekly call. This week's drama/catastrophe is that

her landlady has been coming around (she does not live in the same house as my

nada) to make repeated inspections and to make repairs.  This landlady is the

type that cares very little for her house. She never comes by the house, except

to pick up the rent. And I have been telling nada over and over that she needs

to have a backup plan for when her landlady tells her she's selling the house.

As with my suggestion that she get meds, she blew me off. 

>

>

> NOW she's seeing her landlady in a flurry of activities around the house and

realizing DUH! the landlady might sell the house.  So nada went on and on about

how worried she is (and she did sound like out of breath, like she'd just been

walking very fast). 

>

> I think what upsets me is how little my suggestions mean to her. If it were my

golden child brother saying she should consider meds and consider moving, she

would do it. 

>

> On to the point of my subject line: at one point while she was sharing her

worry ---- and this is what I mean as I said in a previous post, that she'll

turn on the water works and then suddenly stop and zing me   ----  it seemed all

of a sudden like her voice changed and she said, " I hate to even share this with

you. I know this isn't YOUR problem. "

>

> She said this b/c of my letter to her saying how sick she made me with her

anxieties and worries and how I truly wished she would get help. How I hoped for

the sake of our relationship and her relationship with my kids that she would

see a dr and get meds for her anxiety. And I explained to her in my letter that

I want to be there for her and am there for her. But that the daily dose of her

ruminations and distress and constant aggressive interrogations about whether I

was leaving my kids home alone and do I let them wander the streets, and why did

I take a day off? what happened??????  And whether I got to work alive is just

much too much for me. It's just too much. It's suffocating and had literally

been making me sick.  I was forthright and open about how I felt and what I

hoped for our relationship.

>

> So now I understand that what she heard was that I don't want to hear about

her valid, understandable issues -- like a need to see a dr, like a need to find

housing.  (she doesn't get that I don't want to choke back her near-hysterical

fearful meditation of the day every damn day. i don't want to be in that boat

with her.)

>

> I'm resigned. I just have to accept that she doesn't have to get it. She

doesn't have to get it. She doesn't WANT to get it. 

>

> I didn't even reply when she said that. There really isn't anything to say.

Nothing that would satisfy her, anyway.

>

> I just know if she does move, it's going to be a wild ride with nada, for whom

the pizza delivery guy arriving late is a HUGE, HUGE deal (she wouldn't get over

it during one entire 2 hour visit). Can you imagine her moving?

>

> Thanks for listening to this ramble...

>

>

[Guest guest]

GS and Annie, thanks for your validation!!

It is such a relief to be around people who GET it.

Annie: yes, what you describe below is spot on. It's like my nervous system,

year after year, is less and less able to deal with all the anxiety. I know my

brother thinks I'm just a wuss or a wimp but it's where I'm at.

> >

> > Nada and I have been on a weekly call for some time now.

> > Every so often, she'll have an " emergency " to call me about mid-week. I

ignore those calls unless she leaves me a message with a true emergency. (She

called me mid-week last week; I ignored her call, she didn't leave a message;

turned out she just wanted to remind me to pay her credit card bill. sigh)

> >

> > Every time I call her for our weekly conversation, she sounds like she's

making an effort to sound fatigued, ill, sleepless, sad, almost to make me feel

guilty for not letting her call on a daily basis and for my not calling her at

the same rate. I know she is probably very anxious and very depressed and I have

tried repeatedly to get her to see a professional, or at the very least to get a

low-dosage anxiety med from her gp. But she just isn't interested.

> >

> > Anyway, yesterday was our weekly call. This week's drama/catastrophe is that

her landlady has been coming around (she does not live in the same house as my

nada) to make repeated inspections and to make repairs.  This landlady is the

type that cares very little for her house. She never comes by the house, except

to pick up the rent. And I have been telling nada over and over that she needs

to have a backup plan for when her landlady tells her she's selling the house.

As with my suggestion that she get meds, she blew me off. 

> >

> >

> > NOW she's seeing her landlady in a flurry of activities around the house and

realizing DUH! the landlady might sell the house.  So nada went on and on about

how worried she is (and she did sound like out of breath, like she'd just been

walking very fast). 

> >

> > I think what upsets me is how little my suggestions mean to her. If it were

my golden child brother saying she should consider meds and consider moving, she

would do it. 

> >

> > On to the point of my subject line: at one point while she was sharing her

worry ---- and this is what I mean as I said in a previous post, that she'll

turn on the water works and then suddenly stop and zing me   ----  it seemed all

of a sudden like her voice changed and she said, " I hate to even share this with

you. I know this isn't YOUR problem. "

> >

> > She said this b/c of my letter to her saying how sick she made me with her

anxieties and worries and how I truly wished she would get help. How I hoped for

the sake of our relationship and her relationship with my kids that she would

see a dr and get meds for her anxiety. And I explained to her in my letter that

I want to be there for her and am there for her. But that the daily dose of her

ruminations and distress and constant aggressive interrogations about whether I

was leaving my kids home alone and do I let them wander the streets, and why did

I take a day off? what happened??????  And whether I got to work alive is just

much too much for me. It's just too much. It's suffocating and had literally

been making me sick.  I was forthright and open about how I felt and what I

hoped for our relationship.

> >

> > So now I understand that what she heard was that I don't want to hear about

her valid, understandable issues -- like a need to see a dr, like a need to find

housing.  (she doesn't get that I don't want to choke back her near-hysterical

fearful meditation of the day every damn day. i don't want to be in that boat

with her.)

> >

> > I'm resigned. I just have to accept that she doesn't have to get it. She

doesn't have to get it. She doesn't WANT to get it. 

> >

> > I didn't even reply when she said that. There really isn't anything to say.

Nothing that would satisfy her, anyway.

> >

> > I just know if she does move, it's going to be a wild ride with nada, for

whom the pizza delivery guy arriving late is a HUGE, HUGE deal (she wouldn't get

over it during one entire 2 hour visit). Can you imagine her moving?

> >

> > Thanks for listening to this ramble...

> >

> >