What do non-KO's do?

[Guest guest]

I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of imbalance

immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even

attracted to them to start with?

A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here just some

support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal with this.

Thanks,

Eliza

[Guest guest]

(((Eliza)))

I know what you mean. First of all, I don't think it's a matter of non-KOs

sniffing out unsafe people; I think the unsafe people sniff us KOs out!

And I would also say: don't stop being a nice person. It's okay, really, to be

friendly to people you've just met. I think the issues we have as KOs is knowing

where the boundaries are with people you've just met and don't know that much

about. How much do you share with them, etc? Because we are used to having no

privacy, no boundaries, no respect.

I have been having this problem with having moved to a new state and a new job.

People are being friendly and breaking the boundaries that I have set in

place--which is that I'm not going to be besties with everyone I work with. I

may or may not share more of my personal life with them, and yes, I do go have

beers with them all occasionally, but they are not entitled to know all the

details of my life, although a lot of them seem to think it's okay to ask all

sorts of questions that are none of their beeswax.

I totally understand where you're coming from and what you're experiencing. I

think the more important thing here is for us KOs to learn how to be comfortable

with enforcing our own boundaries. The problem is that for us, boundaries are so

foreign! So I say: you and I just need to be strong and firm and believe in our

own boundaries even if others seem to keep breaking them.

I bet non-KOs have people try to break-in all the time, but they are used to

having boundaries so they have no trouble or don't even blink in fending them

off.

That's my two cents anyhow.

>

> I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

>

> So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of imbalance

immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even

attracted to them to start with?

>

> A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here just

some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal with

this.

>

> Thanks,

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Eliza - Did you ever see that movie about rehab, " 28 Days " ? (Or maybe that's

the one about a diseased zombie invasion- I can't remember - the one I'm

thinking about is about an alcoholic who has to go to rehab after she ruins her

sister's wedding) - anyway - at one point one of the patients asks the rehab

group leader about having romantic relationships,and the leader tells him to get

a plant, keep it alive for a year, then get a pet, keep the plant and the pet

alive for a year, and only then start to look for a human relationship. The

point being to take it very slowly and in small steps.

I think this same approach to making friends might be a good practice to follow

while we unlearn our tendency to jump into friendships with crazy people. Take

it very slowly, maintain a pleasant, almost professional relationship, and wait

to see if the other person is truly a sane, companionable adult - good friend

material. That way, you won't have burned any bridges, and nobody can say you

aren't friendly - you are just somebody who takes their time in making deep

friendships. If the person turns out to be manipulative or crazy, it will be

far easier to disconnect. To (mis)quote another movie character, " Stay classy! "

- It's not necessary to pour out your life's details at first. You can be

nice, good humored, but reserved - until you're sure about the potential friend.

>

> I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

>

> So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of imbalance

immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even

attracted to them to start with?

>

> A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here just

some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal with

this.

>

> Thanks,

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

I have some advice - when I set boundaries, i often try to do it in a funny,

friendly way. I'll make a joke. I then watch how they react and if they

don't recognize and respect it, I give them less energy. . .

i also watch other people very carefully to see how they set boundaries. I

think " boundary " when they do it, and watch the reaction. It has been very

educational for me.

My T said that as we are learning to do it, we often OVERDO it. I thought

that was funny. Like when you start lifting weights or learning to paint and

you ruin it or strain something by trying to hard. So I would be aware of

the overdo.

Ok last one, the other thing i do is I use disagreements to test people. in

August I had a friend disappoint me by not respecting my boundary that I was

taking some time of from pro bono charity work. I set the boundary, she

pushed it and made accusations and was unkind. i don't plan to deal with her

again until she apologizes. In contrast, another friend canceled an appt

with me because she wanted to stay up all night and plant sod. I was really

hurt because it seemed like the dumbest excuse ever. I told her i was hurt

and she seriously made it up to me. So our relation ship is stronger now

than it was before. So, my point is, disagreements can build relationships

in an amazing way, instead of destroying them. My t and I talk about that a

lot.

Good luck XOXOXO

On Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 6:52 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

> **

>

>

> Eliza - Did you ever see that movie about rehab, " 28 Days " ? (Or maybe

> that's the one about a diseased zombie invasion- I can't remember - the one

> I'm thinking about is about an alcoholic who has to go to rehab after she

> ruins her sister's wedding) - anyway - at one point one of the patients asks

> the rehab group leader about having romantic relationships,and the leader

> tells him to get a plant, keep it alive for a year, then get a pet, keep the

> plant and the pet alive for a year, and only then start to look for a human

> relationship. The point being to take it very slowly and in small steps.

>

> I think this same approach to making friends might be a good practice to

> follow while we unlearn our tendency to jump into friendships with crazy

> people. Take it very slowly, maintain a pleasant, almost professional

> relationship, and wait to see if the other person is truly a sane,

> companionable adult - good friend material. That way, you won't have burned

> any bridges, and nobody can say you aren't friendly - you are just somebody

> who takes their time in making deep friendships. If the person turns out to

> be manipulative or crazy, it will be far easier to disconnect. To (mis)quote

> another movie character, " Stay classy! " - It's not necessary to pour out

> your life's details at first. You can be nice, good humored, but reserved -

> until you're sure about the potential friend.

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

> dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong

> as my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in

> the course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a

> little, maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've

> gotten their foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then

> discover that they have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this

> has happened with someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my

> mother was at age forty. This is a neighbor in my apartment building that

> wants to become friends. I'm normally casually friendly to most people I

> meet and one could say that's my first mistake right there but it's a very

> strong part of who I am. I'm not really sure that I want to or could change

> to having a reserved " front face " .

> >

> > So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of

> imbalance immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced

> people even attracted to them to start with?

> >

> > A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here

> just some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal

> with this.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Eliza

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have experienced that completely " automatic " feeling of attraction for

someone, and it only dawned on me long after the fact that in my case, this guy

looked exactly like my dad did when dad was in his late thirties/early forties.

Doh!

I think the theory of the subconscious (which is an integral part of

psychoanalytic theory) is a plausible and rational construct.

This theory says our subconscious is just jam-packed with all this stuff going

on that we're mostly unaware of; we get glimpses of our subconscious mind via

our dreams and when we find ourselves acting and thinking and reacting in ways

that are inexplicable to ourselves, as in: " Why did I do/say THAT?! " Such

things usually will have an explanation if you explore your subconscious ideas,

beliefs, and memories.

So, it sounds like you've read " The Gift of Fear " by Gavin deBecker, but it

hasn't helped you much? That's the one I usually recommend when someone is

having a hard time trusting their instincts about the traits and behaviors that

most manipulative people will use to try and persuade you that they're " nice. "

In the documentary film " I, Psychopath " , it discusses how easily psychopaths,

malignant narcissists and other predator types can tell which individual out of

a crowd is vulnerable and/or has been victimized before; its uncanny and very,

very disturbing how quickly they can do this and target a specific individual as

their potential prey. Apparently there is a certain vulnerability or

something, maybe like a puppy's innocent, all-encompassing, openly friendly need

to be liked that the predator can pick up on via our body language and even the

way we walk.

So, I think its a learning curve for us too. I think we can learn how to just

be a little more self-assertive, a little more self-protective, or,

friendly-but-not-vulnerable, and it takes as long as it takes to learn it, like

any other skill, its going to be an individual learning curve. That instinct

will kick in for you sooner or later, I'm betting.

-Annie

>

> I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

>

> So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of imbalance

immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even

attracted to them to start with?

>

> A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here just

some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal with

this.

>

> Thanks,

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie, thanks for your thoughts - I keep hoping to get to the end my learning

curve and be done but it's a slow process.

My repeating pattern is attracting Waifs so to answer a bit from other posts too

the problem is not that I over reveal my information to others - it's that they

grab on to me nonstop talking revealing their information and assume we are best

friends. I have to push back and be rude usually with this type before they

give up.

But Annie back to your points...yes de Becker is still on the money. My

instincts are in there - I just wish I could not " fit " in the first place in a

Waif interaction.

eliza

> >

> > I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

> >

> > So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of imbalance

immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even

attracted to them to start with?

> >

> > A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here just

some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal with

this.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I have experienced that completely " automatic " feeling of attraction for

someone, and it only dawned on me long after the fact that in my case, this guy

looked exactly like my dad did when dad was in his late thirties/early forties.

Doh!

>

Oh and yes this has absolutely happened to me! I think there's a pheromone

issue in there too.

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Girlscout, I'm glad and surprised the sod-layer turned out to be okay. I like

the disagreement testing idea. I think part of the challenge for me is that I

don't want to even get into their orbit - at all - for fear of getting sucked

into a black hole. The idea that I can test them and then walk away if I want

to w/o paying some horrible price is hard to grok for me. I know all of that

is based on past experiences with crazy people though.

Eliza

> > >

> > > I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

> > dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong

> > as my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in

> > the course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a

> > little, maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've

> > gotten their foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then

> > discover that they have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this

> > has happened with someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my

> > mother was at age forty. This is a neighbor in my apartment building that

> > wants to become friends. I'm normally casually friendly to most people I

> > meet and one could say that's my first mistake right there but it's a very

> > strong part of who I am. I'm not really sure that I want to or could change

> > to having a reserved " front face " .

> > >

> > > So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of

> > imbalance immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced

> > people even attracted to them to start with?

> > >

> > > A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here

> > just some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal

> > with this.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Eliza

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have a friend like you, who is so tender-hearted that she sometimes gets taken

advantage of by others who are users and manipulators.

My friend J was a neglected child; her mother (and father too, apparently)

neglected her so severely that she fell into despair as a little, little

preschool child, a little 3 years old, and stopped eating ( everything except a

kids cereal out of the box) for long enough to develop rickets. So we're talking

months and months and months of neglect.

And my friend was from a middle class family; they weren't poor, they had a

lovely large home and land, but her mother had emotional problems and 4 kids

under 10, but brought in an older child, a " cousin, " to live with the family

(her own illegitimate oldest daughter with severe emotional problems who bullied

and terrorized my friend J) and she actually almost neglected my friend J, her

next to youngest, to death. It was my friend's father who realized his little

girl *could not walk anymore* and took her to the doctor. It still amazes me

that my friend wasn't removed by CPS for that level of neglect.

This severe neglect in childhood may have something to do with my friend's need

to be the " universal mother " , she would rescue any little hurt bug or person

that happened across her path, which I find a very sweet and endearing quality

in her, but it has gotten her into trouble. (If she didn't live in an apartment

that forbids pets, I'm pretty sure she'd be up to her armpits in rescued puppies

and kittens and whatever.) She has loaned a chunk of money to a mutual friend

(ex friend) of ours who was in need but who subsequently never paid her back and

won't respond to any attempts at contact.

The point I'm making is that she and I have spent a lot of time together over

the last 10 years and together we have encountered people and critters that need

rescuing, but my friend is the one that responds. They don't find *her*, we

both come across these individuals, together, but my friend is the one who

reaches out to them. The Waifs are always there, for all of us, everywhere, but

some people like my friend (and it sounds like you also) feel the need to reach

out to them and rescue them.

So, I guess that like my dear friend, you will just have to find that balance

between being a rescuer and being self-protective, that feels right for you. My

friend is still tender-hearted and wants to help others and rescue little

critters, but she's decided she's not loaning money to anyone again. That's her

stopping point, now: that's where her " rescuing " boundary is. So, maybe you

will find a balance point for yourself, eventually, that feels livable to you.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

> > >

> > > So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of

imbalance immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people

even attracted to them to start with?

> > >

> > > A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here

just some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal

with this.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Eliza

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Could be! That could be a factor, the pheromone thing.

But I'm a very visually-oriented person, I learn things and express myself

visually most of the time. When I was looking through an older family album and

came across this pic of my dad in his younger years, my jaw dropped. I said to

myself, " Holy Cow, my dad looks just like P! " ... and then it dawned on me that

no, actually its the other way around: P looked very much like my dad as a much

younger man, and because I had been such a daddy's girl, that feeling of warmth

and attraction for anyone that reminded me of dad *was already there*, waiting

to be triggered.

That's my theory, anyway. My ol' subconscious at work, under my surface

awareness; busy little bee, my subconscious.

-Annie

> >

> > I have experienced that completely " automatic " feeling of attraction for

someone, and it only dawned on me long after the fact that in my case, this guy

looked exactly like my dad did when dad was in his late thirties/early forties.

Doh!

> >

>

> Oh and yes this has absolutely happened to me! I think there's a pheromone

issue in there too.

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

I really can relate a lot to your friend though she sounds even more generous

than me. I got taken a few times loaning lunch money to people in middle school

and decided to stop that! That's just horrifying about her getting rickets -

she absolutely should have been taken out of that home. I think you are right

that the experience of neglect does trigger the inner universal mother in the

neglected. I find it Very Hard to walk away from anyone or anything in need if

it is within my ability to help. I know down in my bones what it meant for me

that so many in my family and strangers around me to have ignored my needs and

the cost. It is a " sin " I don't want to ever be guilty of. But yet to

neglect the self to save the other is abandoning yourself all over again too.

I do get that.

Anyway....I think it's that I know I have the vulnerability to the others need

that I get freaked out at the thought of even getting near people who are

pathologically needy (like Waifs) because getting exposed to that triggers all

my stuff. If I'm around a Witch/Queen and it isn't my mother I have no problem

walking away. The Hermit...a little trickier. Makes me wish there was a

deprogramming center for KO's!

Eliza

>

> I have a friend like you, who is so tender-hearted that she sometimes gets

taken advantage of by others who are users and manipulators.

>

> My friend J was a neglected child; her mother (and father too, apparently)

neglected her so severely that she fell into despair as a little, little

preschool child, a little 3 years old, and stopped eating ( everything except a

kids cereal out of the box) for long enough to develop rickets. So we're talking

months and months and months of neglect.

>

> And my friend was from a middle class family; they weren't poor, they had a

lovely large home and land, but her mother had emotional problems and 4 kids

under 10, but brought in an older child, a " cousin, " to live with the family

(her own illegitimate oldest daughter with severe emotional problems who bullied

and terrorized my friend J) and she actually almost neglected my friend J, her

next to youngest, to death. It was my friend's father who realized his little

girl *could not walk anymore* and took her to the doctor. It still amazes me

that my friend wasn't removed by CPS for that level of neglect.

>

> This severe neglect in childhood may have something to do with my friend's

need to be the " universal mother " , she would rescue any little hurt bug or

person that happened across her path, which I find a very sweet and endearing

quality in her, but it has gotten her into trouble. (If she didn't live in an

apartment that forbids pets, I'm pretty sure she'd be up to her armpits in

rescued puppies and kittens and whatever.) She has loaned a chunk of money to

a mutual friend (ex friend) of ours who was in need but who subsequently never

paid her back and won't respond to any attempts at contact.

>

> The point I'm making is that she and I have spent a lot of time together over

the last 10 years and together we have encountered people and critters that need

rescuing, but my friend is the one that responds. They don't find *her*, we

both come across these individuals, together, but my friend is the one who

reaches out to them. The Waifs are always there, for all of us, everywhere, but

some people like my friend (and it sounds like you also) feel the need to reach

out to them and rescue them.

>

> So, I guess that like my dear friend, you will just have to find that balance

between being a rescuer and being self-protective, that feels right for you. My

friend is still tender-hearted and wants to help others and rescue little

critters, but she's decided she's not loaning money to anyone again. That's her

stopping point, now: that's where her " rescuing " boundary is. So, maybe you

will find a balance point for yourself, eventually, that feels livable to you.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Eliza,

I was thinking of posting on a similar topic recently, namely how I would like

to be able to tell if someone I meet is in genuine emotional pain and needs help

through a tough time...or if I'm dealing with a needy, suck-the-life out of me

person. I can count on all fingers and toes the times that it has been the

latter.

I just don't do well with knowing the difference.

I liked your question:, " do they sniff out the signs of imbalance immediately

and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even attracted to them

to start with? "

Because I think you nailed it: I really don't think they attract imbalanced

people and if they come into contact with them the emotionally unstable person

knows they're likely not going to get anywhere with the non-KO.

In the past, I've seen non-KOs deal with an emotional vampire, for lack of a

better term, in a way that I would feel was cold and unfeeling. Now I realize

they were simply doing what came naturally: seeing crazy for what it was and

moving on. That's a skill I am eager to develop!

I've noticed lately that I haven't been running into as many emotional vampires.

Just a year or 2 ago, yes, there was one woman at work who latched onto me who

in time turned out to be SO much like my mother, I was astonished.

Now, not as much; I'm very, very wary of people who seem too needy. That's a big

alarm for me. And yet, I don't want to shut the door on helping those in true

need. It really is a fine line for me.

>

> I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

>

> So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of imbalance

immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even

attracted to them to start with?

>

> A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here just

some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal with

this.

>

> Thanks,

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

" take it very slowly and in small steps. I think this same approach to making

friends might be a good practice to follow while we unlearn our tendency to jump

into friendships with crazy people. Take it very slowly, maintain a pleasant,

almost professional relationship, and wait to see if the other person is truly a

sane, companionable adult - good friend material. "

, that's such good advice. I loved the plant/pet example as well!

That was a HUGE issue for me as I entered my teens, was that I would just become

bffs with ANYone who showed an interest in being my friend. I got burned so many

times, it still hurts to think about it.

> >

> > I'm so sick of not having strong " run away " instincts to warn me when I'm

dealing with a mentally ill or unsafe person. As much as I read, as strong as

my intentions are to change it still happens that I'll meet someone in the

course of regular interactions and get too involved with them. Maybe a little,

maybe a lot but instincts always kick in too late, after they've gotten their

foot in the door or I foolishly invited them in. I'll then discover that they

have some of the patterns as my FOO. Most recently this has happened with

someone who I now realize is almost identical to who my mother was at age forty.

This is a neighbor in my apartment building that wants to become friends. I'm

normally casually friendly to most people I meet and one could say that's my

first mistake right there but it's a very strong part of who I am. I'm not

really sure that I want to or could change to having a reserved " front face " .

> >

> > So I wonder what do non-KO's do.....do they sniff out the signs of imbalance

immediately and reject the person right away? Are imbalanced people even

attracted to them to start with?

> >

> > A disclaimer - I'm really not looking for tough love harsh advice here just

some support and similar experiences and what you yourselves do to deal with

this.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh my God, Eliza, I think this cements it. We WERE separated at birth!

Those are the ones I attract, too, the waify over-talkers, over-revealers. Also,

I attract the take-charge, I'll tell you what move to make next, types. They

probably mistake my quietness for submissiveness, I guess.

>

> Hi Annie, thanks for your thoughts - I keep hoping to get to the end my

learning curve and be done but it's a slow process.

>

> My repeating pattern is attracting Waifs so to answer a bit from other posts

too the problem is not that I over reveal my information to others - it's that

they grab on to me nonstop talking revealing their information and assume we are

best friends. I have to push back and be rude usually with this type before

they give up.

>

> But Annie back to your points...yes de Becker is still on the money. My

instincts are in there - I just wish I could not " fit " in the first place in a

Waif interaction.

>

> eliza

>

>