Another thing--wedding expectations, etc.

[Guest guest]

Reading that book brought something else up. Weddings. Such a normal event for

girls to dream of, plan for. Not me.

There is no way my mother could have behaved herself long enough to help plan a

wedding, let alone show up and act normal. Everyone in my immediate family

always planned life events to be quiet affairs so as not to upset mom. Or,

heaven forbid, expose her to the rest of her family who was always fighting with

each other (My own sister, bless her, showed up for a shower and chewed out the

bride because my grandmother was not invited). Weddings = family madness.

When I think about ALL the life events I have chosen to celebrate in the least

obtrusive ways simply to avoid the madness of others/family stress it just makes

me sad. Planning these events should be joyful experiences, not damage control.

[Guest guest]

(((((echobabe)))))

I hear you. The older we all got, the more I began to dread spending Christmas

holidays in particular with my nada. Even when I was a teen, she'd start

stressing about Christmas right after Halloween, and instead of being a fun

family event I simply dreaded nada's ramping up the stress levels on herself and

on us too. Nothing was clean enough. We had to get exactly the right tree.

She'd stress about present-buying. She'd stress about which color scheme she

should use that year to decorate with. One year we couldn't get nada to make a

decision about which color scheme she wanted, so I made the mistake of bringing

all of the carefully organized and sorted sets of various color schemes down

from the attic so she could choose. I got screamed at for making a mess.

Decades later, after dad died, nada's stress level around the holidays just got

worse. So, I totally relate to your experiences with your stress-inducing pd

family too.

Are we having fun yet?

-Annie

>

> Reading that book brought something else up. Weddings. Such a normal event for

girls to dream of, plan for. Not me.

>

> There is no way my mother could have behaved herself long enough to help plan

a wedding, let alone show up and act normal. Everyone in my immediate family

always planned life events to be quiet affairs so as not to upset mom. Or,

heaven forbid, expose her to the rest of her family who was always fighting with

each other (My own sister, bless her, showed up for a shower and chewed out the

bride because my grandmother was not invited). Weddings = family madness.

>

> When I think about ALL the life events I have chosen to celebrate in the least

obtrusive ways simply to avoid the madness of others/family stress it just makes

me sad. Planning these events should be joyful experiences, not damage control.

>

[Guest guest]

OMG yes! You can't ever change the holiday menu, because nada wants it just

so--she wants the foods she prefers since she doesn't " know how many " T-givings,

Christmas' or Easters she " has left. "

Last year I walked in and her tree was decorated to match her living

room--cream, light green and mauve. Even matching the pictures on the wall! I

found myself wondering how much time she devoted to matching those 3 exact

colors!

I tried to take the cooking burden for several years--until I found out no

matter what I set on the holiday table, she had cooked an entire meal at her

house anyway--so she's have exactly what she wanted and leftovers too.

> >

> > Reading that book brought something else up. Weddings. Such a normal event

for girls to dream of, plan for. Not me.

> >

> > There is no way my mother could have behaved herself long enough to help

plan a wedding, let alone show up and act normal. Everyone in my immediate

family always planned life events to be quiet affairs so as not to upset mom.

Or, heaven forbid, expose her to the rest of her family who was always fighting

with each other (My own sister, bless her, showed up for a shower and chewed out

the bride because my grandmother was not invited). Weddings = family madness.

> >

> > When I think about ALL the life events I have chosen to celebrate in the

least obtrusive ways simply to avoid the madness of others/family stress it just

makes me sad. Planning these events should be joyful experiences, not damage

control.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ok, so on weddings - - - yes nightmare. I was married very young, now

divorced. My nada REFUSED to help with anything. REFUSED. My dad and psycho

ex mother in law did it, which meant I had absolutely nothing the way I

wanted. NOTHING!!! And I was afraid the entire reception that ex mother in

law would bash my head in with a brick if I turned my back on her.

Yeah, I knew once the brick thing happened that I made a mistake. But

because of my parents beliefs and misinformation they fed me, I wasted the

next 8 years of my life.

> **

>

>

> OMG yes! You can't ever change the holiday menu, because nada wants it just

> so--she wants the foods she prefers since she doesn't " know how many "

> T-givings, Christmas' or Easters she " has left. "

>

> Last year I walked in and her tree was decorated to match her living

> room--cream, light green and mauve. Even matching the pictures on the wall!

> I found myself wondering how much time she devoted to matching those 3 exact

> colors!

>

> I tried to take the cooking burden for several years--until I found out no

> matter what I set on the holiday table, she had cooked an entire meal at her

> house anyway--so she's have exactly what she wanted and leftovers too.

>

>

> > >

> > > Reading that book brought something else up. Weddings. Such a normal

> event for girls to dream of, plan for. Not me.

> > >

> > > There is no way my mother could have behaved herself long enough to

> help plan a wedding, let alone show up and act normal. Everyone in my

> immediate family always planned life events to be quiet affairs so as not to

> upset mom. Or, heaven forbid, expose her to the rest of her family who was

> always fighting with each other (My own sister, bless her, showed up for a

> shower and chewed out the bride because my grandmother was not invited).

> Weddings = family madness.

> > >

> > > When I think about ALL the life events I have chosen to celebrate in

> the least obtrusive ways simply to avoid the madness of others/family stress

> it just makes me sad. Planning these events should be joyful experiences,

> not damage control.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The worst advice I have gotten in life was from my parents. My DH laments we

bought the house we live in (think Moneypit) due to their faulty advice. Never

wanting to admit any topic is out of their depth, they would give advice anyway.

I finally stopped asking them, another thing they got PO'd about. But my life is

much smoother now ;-)

>But because of my parents beliefs and misinformation they fed me, I wasted the

next 8 years of my life.>