To pick up from what do non-KOs do?

[Guest guest]

As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of something

I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of being needed.

I mean, I'm a mom and am constantly needed. I'm not talking about " mom, I need

toilet paper! " or " the boy I like doesn't like me back " kind of stuff.

I mean, I hate the feeling that other people depend on me. I just don't like to

be depended on by people outside my immediate family. I know that seems selfish.

But I feel stretched enough.  At work, it's one thing. That's work. There have

been projects where this feeling surfaced, but I had to just do the project and

ride out my terror. And eventually, it went away. But that's work. There are

ebbs and flows in projects and stuff.

I'm talking about, for instance, a new couple is in my church. I gave them a

ride to church their 1st week and then the wife called me the 2nd week for a

ride. THAT'S what I'm talking about. I hate that she assumes I can give her

rides every week. And yet, it's not a problem to do so. She's literally right on

my way.  

Honestly, I don't think it's her request that makes me feel threatened; it's me.

I just think my mother through the years has sucked the desire to help others

out of my system. The " you owe me " undercurrent always there, I think I just

fear that it's going to resurface.

I'm not sure I'm even making any sense. I think I'm still trying to get my arms

around it myself.

does anyone else feel this way?

[Guest guest]

I know exactly what you mean. Some people are just users, and they crop up in

our lives from time to time. They always need something from you, but never

reciprocate in any way. There will never be an offer to, say, pay for gasoline.

Or no little muffins or bath salts as a thank you; just a steady stream of

requests. Its their lifestyle, their MO, to look for people who will do things

for them. It wouldn't surprise me if this woman has a next-door neighbor who

she's finagled into grocery shopping for her. Its OK if you do not wish to

take her to church with you each and every time, like you're a cab service.

Nobody likes to be taken for granted. Sometimes you can say, " I can't take

you this time, I'm not going home after church. "

But maybe adult KOs who have been neglected as kids or parentified as kids or

made to feel that they have no value as an individual human being, believe that

they have no option but to say " yes " to every request, every time. Its hard to

un-learn automatic responses that were drilled or beaten into us as children,

but, it can be done.

-Annie

>

> As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of

something I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of

being needed.

>

> I mean, I'm a mom and am constantly needed. I'm not talking about " mom, I need

toilet paper! " or " the boy I like doesn't like me back " kind of stuff.

>

> I mean, I hate the feeling that other people depend on me. I just don't like

to be depended on by people outside my immediate family. I know that seems

selfish. But I feel stretched enough.  At work, it's one thing. That's work.

There have been projects where this feeling surfaced, but I had to just do the

project and ride out my terror. And eventually, it went away. But that's work.

There are ebbs and flows in projects and stuff.

>

> I'm talking about, for instance, a new couple is in my church. I gave them a

ride to church their 1st week and then the wife called me the 2nd week for a

ride. THAT'S what I'm talking about. I hate that she assumes I can give her

rides every week. And yet, it's not a problem to do so. She's literally right on

my way.  

>

> Honestly, I don't think it's her request that makes me feel threatened; it's

me. I just think my mother through the years has sucked the desire to help

others out of my system. The " you owe me " undercurrent always there, I think I

just fear that it's going to resurface.

>

> I'm not sure I'm even making any sense. I think I'm still trying to get my

arms around it myself.

>

> does anyone else feel this way?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

I relate to this. I have a friend who turns to me to fill his ego and i get

rageful about it. I think my violent mother wanted this from me too and if she

wasnt pumped up she might get violent. Anyway good luck with this.

Sent from my mobile device.

> As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of

something I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of

being needed.

>

> I mean, I'm a mom and am constantly needed. I'm not talking about " mom, I need

toilet paper! " or " the boy I like doesn't like me back " kind of stuff.

>

> I mean, I hate the feeling that other people depend on me. I just don't like

to be depended on by people outside my immediate family. I know that seems

selfish. But I feel stretched enough. At work, it's one thing. That's work.

There have been projects where this feeling surfaced, but I had to just do the

project and ride out my terror. And eventually, it went away. But that's work.

There are ebbs and flows in projects and stuff.

>

> I'm talking about, for instance, a new couple is in my church. I gave them a

ride to church their 1st week and then the wife called me the 2nd week for a

ride. THAT'S what I'm talking about. I hate that she assumes I can give her

rides every week. And yet, it's not a problem to do so. She's literally right on

my way.

>

> Honestly, I don't think it's her request that makes me feel threatened; it's

me. I just think my mother through the years has sucked the desire to help

others out of my system. The " you owe me " undercurrent always there, I think I

just fear that it's going to resurface.

>

> I'm not sure I'm even making any sense. I think I'm still trying to get my

arms around it myself.

>

> does anyone else feel this way?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Tell the couple NO it will feel good and guilty but good.

> **

>

>

> Hi

> I relate to this. I have a friend who turns to me to fill his ego and i get

> rageful about it. I think my violent mother wanted this from me too and if

> she wasnt pumped up she might get violent. Anyway good luck with this.

>

> Sent from my mobile device.

>

> On Sep 17, 2011, at 7:01 AM, Fiona

> wrote:

>

> > As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of

> something I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of

> being needed.

> >

> > I mean, I'm a mom and am constantly needed. I'm not talking about " mom, I

> need toilet paper! " or " the boy I like doesn't like me back " kind of stuff.

> >

> > I mean, I hate the feeling that other people depend on me. I just don't

> like to be depended on by people outside my immediate family. I know that

> seems selfish. But I feel stretched enough. At work, it's one thing. That's

> work. There have been projects where this feeling surfaced, but I had to

> just do the project and ride out my terror. And eventually, it went away.

> But that's work. There are ebbs and flows in projects and stuff.

> >

> > I'm talking about, for instance, a new couple is in my church. I gave

> them a ride to church their 1st week and then the wife called me the 2nd

> week for a ride. THAT'S what I'm talking about. I hate that she assumes I

> can give her rides every week. And yet, it's not a problem to do so. She's

> literally right on my way.

> >

> > Honestly, I don't think it's her request that makes me feel threatened;

> it's me. I just think my mother through the years has sucked the desire to

> help others out of my system. The " you owe me " undercurrent always there, I

> think I just fear that it's going to resurface.

> >

> > I'm not sure I'm even making any sense. I think I'm still trying to get

> my arms around it myself.

> >

> > does anyone else feel this way?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona, oh YES. And I'll respond later to your other post too - could totally

relate to it also. I think your fear here is very real that you are afraid

that you will get swallowed whole and be unable to get out. The request for a

ride the next week COULD be a sign of them looking to see how much more they can

get out of you. Or just they needed a ride and don't plan to latch onto you

like a vampire bat. It's hard to say. I think related to the other thread I

think we both have a fear that if it is a vampire bat that once it has a grip on

us it will be very hard to get it off. So anyway....I'd say tell them no just

so you can feel safe with them again. And then as you keep interacting with

them and if you decide you like them, you can always offer to help them out on

your terms.

Eliza

>

> As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of

something I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of

being needed.

>

> I mean, I'm a mom and am constantly needed. I'm not talking about " mom, I need

toilet paper! " or " the boy I like doesn't like me back " kind of stuff.

>

> I mean, I hate the feeling that other people depend on me. I just don't like

to be depended on by people outside my immediate family. I know that seems

selfish. But I feel stretched enough. At work, it's one thing. That's work.

There have been projects where this feeling surfaced, but I had to just do the

project and ride out my terror. And eventually, it went away. But that's work.

There are ebbs and flows in projects and stuff.

>

> I'm talking about, for instance, a new couple is in my church. I gave them a

ride to church their 1st week and then the wife called me the 2nd week for a

ride. THAT'S what I'm talking about. I hate that she assumes I can give her

rides every week. And yet, it's not a problem to do so. She's literally right on

my way.

>

> Honestly, I don't think it's her request that makes me feel threatened; it's

me. I just think my mother through the years has sucked the desire to help

others out of my system. The " you owe me " undercurrent always there, I think I

just fear that it's going to resurface.

>

> I'm not sure I'm even making any sense. I think I'm still trying to get my

arms around it myself.

>

> does anyone else feel this way?

>

>

[Guest guest]

" As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of

something I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of

being needed. "

Wow! This is really hitting home for me right now. I haven't always felt

this way, only recently. As a midwife I am expected to align the stars and

the moon for people. I used to feel up to the challenge, often succeeding

and feeling gratified. I've been NC with my nada for almost 3 years now but

have only recently started therapy because I was so overwhelmed and

depressed by these feelings, I stopped working. I feeling so put out by

being needed. I feel completely sucked dry, like my soul has withered up and

died. It's a very stange place for me to be and I feel super guilty about

feeling this way. I'm certain all of this is connected to how my mother has

" needed " so much from me and taken, taken, and taken some more only to then

accuse me of being ungrateful or disregard my needs. I'm so glad you brought

this up because I'm right there with you to the point that I can't even

work. Granted my work is pretty intense for even the healthiest folks. I'm

curious how many of us with waif like nadas/fadas have found ourselves

working in a care taking type career.

Jules

[Guest guest]

thanks everyone, for your feedback and wisdom.

I like the idea of just saying no to see what will happen, how they will take

it. I'm going to try that one time.

I dreamed recently, btw, that I set phone boundaries with my brother, meaning I

said " I gotta go " as it appeared in my dream that he would not get off the phone

but instead kept blabbing. It felt great in the dream to just tell him no.

> >

> > As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of

something I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of

being needed.

> >

> > I mean, I'm a mom and am constantly needed. I'm not talking about " mom, I

need toilet paper! " or " the boy I like doesn't like me back " kind of stuff.

> >

> > I mean, I hate the feeling that other people depend on me. I just don't like

to be depended on by people outside my immediate family. I know that seems

selfish. But I feel stretched enough. At work, it's one thing. That's work.

There have been projects where this feeling surfaced, but I had to just do the

project and ride out my terror. And eventually, it went away. But that's work.

There are ebbs and flows in projects and stuff.

> >

> > I'm talking about, for instance, a new couple is in my church. I gave them a

ride to church their 1st week and then the wife called me the 2nd week for a

ride. THAT'S what I'm talking about. I hate that she assumes I can give her

rides every week. And yet, it's not a problem to do so. She's literally right on

my way.

> >

> > Honestly, I don't think it's her request that makes me feel threatened; it's

me. I just think my mother through the years has sucked the desire to help

others out of my system. The " you owe me " undercurrent always there, I think I

just fear that it's going to resurface.

> >

> > I'm not sure I'm even making any sense. I think I'm still trying to get my

arms around it myself.

> >

> > does anyone else feel this way?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

" I'm certain all of this is connected to how my mother has " needed " so much from

me and taken, taken, and taken some more only to then accuse me of being

ungrateful or disregard my needs. "

Jules, you nailed it. It's hard to reach out to help others when you've got a

parasite sucking the life out of you. For me, it was not being able to say no

or stop that depressed me and shut me down.

Now, I'm very, very careful about people, women in particular, who give off that

waify vibe. They usually latch onto me.

I wonder that too, when I see a nurse or caregiver who's like Radar from

M*A*S*H, anticipating everyone's needs, I wonder if they're a KO well-trained by

their waif nada to be on call for her needs.

>

> " As I was reading that post and the responses to it, it reminded me of

> something I've been feeling and had wanted to post about: I am terrified of

> being needed. "

>

> Wow! This is really hitting home for me right now. I haven't always felt

> this way, only recently. As a midwife I am expected to align the stars and

> the moon for people. I used to feel up to the challenge, often succeeding

> and feeling gratified. I've been NC with my nada for almost 3 years now but

> have only recently started therapy because I was so overwhelmed and

> depressed by these feelings, I stopped working. I feeling so put out by

> being needed. I feel completely sucked dry, like my soul has withered up and

> died. It's a very stange place for me to be and I feel super guilty about

> feeling this way. I'm certain all of this is connected to how my mother has

> " needed " so much from me and taken, taken, and taken some more only to then

> accuse me of being ungrateful or disregard my needs. I'm so glad you brought

> this up because I'm right there with you to the point that I can't even

> work. Granted my work is pretty intense for even the healthiest folks. I'm

> curious how many of us with waif like nadas/fadas have found ourselves

> working in a care taking type career.

> Jules

>

>

>