Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 For those with kids do you fear you might have a bad realationship with your kids because yours wasn't good with your parents? I do. I know mum didn't get on with her mum, and I dont get on with my mum. I'm terrified I might do the same. I notice myself doing things mum did, and I have to work really hard to stay calm and centred. Steph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2011 Report Share Posted September 17, 2011 Just work at it--make sure you are responding as a mom and not because of a pattern of behavior you received from your mom. I constantly questioned myself--usually I was just worrying too much. But it is GOOD to question! I think the main thing is that we are interested in being supportive, instead of manipulative and self centered, as our moms were. I've made lots of mistakes. I've reacted with FLEAS at times. But I have always been ready to take responsibility for those mistakes. I think apologies and accountability are tantamount to having respectful relationships with our kids. > > For those with kids do you fear you might have a bad > realationship with your kids because yours wasn't good with your > parents? > I do. I know mum didn't get on with her mum, and I dont get on > with my mum. I'm terrified I might do the same. I notice myself > doing things mum did, and I have to work really hard to stay calm > and centred. > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 18, 2011 Report Share Posted September 18, 2011 Daily. That's why I'm in therapy. I don't want the madness to continue. > > For those with kids do you fear you might have a bad > realationship with your kids because yours wasn't good with your > parents? > I do. I know mum didn't get on with her mum, and I dont get on > with my mum. I'm terrified I might do the same. I notice myself > doing things mum did, and I have to work really hard to stay calm > and centred. > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 I can guarantee you're not alone! I had the same fear myself. I have 2 awesome step kiddos and I am not at all like my nada with them. When in doubt, I stop & think, " What would nada have done? " and I do the opposite LOL. I love those 2, and we have a great realtionship =) Sometimes we forget that we're not our nadas and/or fadas. We are our own selves, free to be whatever type of parent we want. We can't control anyone else in this world, but the beautiful thing is that we can control ourselves. I'm not trying to belittle your fear or come off like I'm blowing it off because I know how very real it can be. But I do believe we can have healthy relationships with kids, significant others, etc, regardless of all the sickness we grew up with. Mia > > > For those with kids do you fear you might have a bad > realationship with your kids because yours wasn't good with your > parents? > I do. I know mum didn't get on with her mum, and I dont get on > with my mum. I'm terrified I might do the same. I notice myself > doing things mum did, and I have to work really hard to stay calm > and centred. > Steph > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 I feared it too. I went thru a lot of experimenting with my kids, at times too lenient, a pushover, at times taking charge because my Mom kept breathing down my neck about discipline. Finally, I went NC with her and read a lot of books on education. NC really helped, and is still helping. I have my own view on life now, I make my own decisions, and I feel that I am finally free. Let me suggest a few books which CHANGED the way I deal with my kids COMPLETELY: 1) Toxic Parents by Forward 2) Summerhill by A.S. Neill 3) Free At Last: the Sudbury Valley School by Greenberg 4) Dumbing us Down by Gatto 5) Instead of Education by Holt The books 2-5 advocate " freedom " to live and " freedom " to let your child choose his way of life. It has helped me tremendously. My kids are happier, my relationship with them has improved DRAMATICALLY. Whether we like it or not, we are susceptible to influences from our past in how we raise our kids. Unless we consciously make an effort to change that, thru reading, and thru questioning every single action, we will never change with lasting effect. It takes practice practice practice to have a lasting change in our behavior. So those neurons in our brains finally have a new path! Wishing you all the best of luck, N > For those with kids do you fear you might have a bad > realationship with your kids because yours wasn't good with your > parents? > I do. I know mum didn't get on with her mum, and I dont get on > with my mum. I'm terrified I might do the same. I notice myself > doing things mum did, and I have to work really hard to stay calm > and centred. > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Not anymore. I spent a lot of time in therapy, worried about this, even before I had kids. What it comes down to is awareness, and accepting responsibility for mistakes and also accepting that we are human and not perfect. There have been times that I have not been the best parent I can be, but what seperates me from my mother is my willingness to acknowledge that I made a mistake, apologize to my kids and maybe explain why I derailed. No one is perfect. And yes, I've caught myself spouting off things that came out of my mothers mouth, but I have never said something terrible like she used too. > > For those with kids do you fear you might have a bad > realationship with your kids because yours wasn't good with your > parents? > I do. I know mum didn't get on with her mum, and I dont get on > with my mum. I'm terrified I might do the same. I notice myself > doing things mum did, and I have to work really hard to stay calm > and centred. > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 I was afraid of this by the time I was four. I decided then never to have kids, and I never have. My life and financial situation would never have permitted it anyway. --L. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 I am pretty certain that I do not want kids. Partly for selfish reasons (but if I have selfish reasons that I shouldn't have them anyway because how is that fair to them) and partly because I fear too much that I can't be a good parent. The fear is less of the reason than the fact that I feel like my childhood and entire life for the first 30 years was stolen by my nada's illness. I want time to enjoy my life and experience all the things that I exist to experience. I would not be a happy parent if I gave up those things. I have contemplated that when I am done adventuring in the wilderness and 'experiencing the world', I would be a foster parent or adopt. I do feel like I could be a good influence in someone's life, just not in the traditional parental way. I think that since you care about it so much and that you obviously are concerned with being a good parent, that you probably are one. > > For those with kids do you fear you might have a bad > realationship with your kids because yours wasn't good with your > parents? > I do. I know mum didn't get on with her mum, and I dont get on > with my mum. I'm terrified I might do the same. I notice myself > doing things mum did, and I have to work really hard to stay calm > and centred. > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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