Recognizing something is wrong in my relationship?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, in my last post I mentioned going to neurofeedback and how this has

improved my quality of life. As a result,I'm feeling stronger and healthier and

starting to recognize there are some things seriously wrong with my relationship

with my husband. Just wondering if anyone has any insight into this:

-he refuses to go out and make friends. He does not have any friends that he

talks to or has seen socially in over a year. He has 1 co-worker he gets along

with and that is his entire social network. He tells me he eats in his car at

lunch so he doesn't have to see anyone. He doesn't encourage me in going out,

making friends and he HATES when I invite anyone to our house. Anytime we are

out in a crowded area, he panics and we end up leaving.

-he has stopped taking care of his appearance-he goes months without getting his

hair cut and will wear the same dirty pair of pants 5 days in a row to work. His

shoes were falling apart (flapping open) and it took several months of this

before he replaced them.(he used to take really good care of himself this is not

typical!)

-he has stopped helping me around the house, and has told me he " chooses to live

in filth and squalor " and I should just accept that is how things are. All

attempts to get him on board with making a plan and getting the house sorted out

result in an argument. I'm starting to think he is sabotaging my attempts to

clean or enlist his help.

-he has outbursts of anger whenever I get annoyed, reasonably angry or say

anything in any way that he deems critical. I tread softly around him.

-today when I tried to get him to agree to go out so we could talk about what we

can do to make our relationship better, he told me " everyone's relationship

sucks, our relationship sucks, that's reality'and that unlike me, he chooses to

make the best of it.

-when I told him, I didn't think I could take much more of this and need to get

away for a few days, that I still wanted him to have access to our son (which is

what I was trying to sort out), he told me the problems in our relationship are

my anger and not taking responsibility (I take more than my share!), and the

fact that I always run away from problems. Ironically(I had to laugh) he was

getting into his car and slamming the door in my face while he said this.

-I'm concerned because he has a family history of mental health issues and his

mother is a very nasty BP.

-Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do-he used to attend counselling

with me, and was great as long as he was going. Since I was told I was doing

well and got to " graduate " from therapy, his worldview seems to be getting more

and more like his mother's. I've noticed the longer he is away from counselling

the worse he is getting. He is now refusing to go back-I have made several

app'ts around his work schedule and during the very limited hours he has

requested, and he still won't go-always finds an excuse.

-Finally, based on his view of our relationship, I almost feel sorry for him. I

told him the relationship he THINKS he is having with me is not healthy (He

lives in a world where I am always angry, critical, and controlling) I have

worked very hard at therapy, and don't think I am any of these things, although

I do occasionally get angry but am always careful to be respectful when

expressing anger. I don't know who he is having a relationship with, but it's

not me. I'm just not sure what there is to stay in this relationship-he never

gives me ANY postive feedback-that I did a good job, or look nice-EVER. Not

even on our wedding day did he say one nice thing with regard to my appearance.

In fact he seems to get upset when I take time on my appearance. So please, if

any has any advice or what do you think is going on with him???? Should I pack

up and leave???

[Guest guest]

The changes make me think he is depressed. Will he see a doctor for it?

On Sat, Sep 17, 2011 at 7:17 AM, greengoldfish77

wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi everyone, in my last post I mentioned going to neurofeedback and how

> this has improved my quality of life. As a result,I'm feeling stronger and

> healthier and starting to recognize there are some things seriously wrong

> with my relationship with my husband. Just wondering if anyone has any

> insight into this:

>

> -he refuses to go out and make friends. He does not have any friends that

> he talks to or has seen socially in over a year. He has 1 co-worker he gets

> along with and that is his entire social network. He tells me he eats in his

> car at lunch so he doesn't have to see anyone. He doesn't encourage me in

> going out, making friends and he HATES when I invite anyone to our house.

> Anytime we are out in a crowded area, he panics and we end up leaving.

> -he has stopped taking care of his appearance-he goes months without

> getting his hair cut and will wear the same dirty pair of pants 5 days in a

> row to work. His shoes were falling apart (flapping open) and it took

> several months of this before he replaced them.(he used to take really good

> care of himself this is not typical!)

> -he has stopped helping me around the house, and has told me he " chooses to

> live in filth and squalor " and I should just accept that is how things are.

> All attempts to get him on board with making a plan and getting the house

> sorted out result in an argument. I'm starting to think he is sabotaging my

> attempts to clean or enlist his help.

> -he has outbursts of anger whenever I get annoyed, reasonably angry or say

> anything in any way that he deems critical. I tread softly around him.

> -today when I tried to get him to agree to go out so we could talk about

> what we can do to make our relationship better, he told me " everyone's

> relationship sucks, our relationship sucks, that's reality'and that unlike

> me, he chooses to make the best of it.

> -when I told him, I didn't think I could take much more of this and need to

> get away for a few days, that I still wanted him to have access to our son

> (which is what I was trying to sort out), he told me the problems in our

> relationship are my anger and not taking responsibility (I take more than my

> share!), and the fact that I always run away from problems. Ironically(I had

> to laugh) he was getting into his car and slamming the door in my face while

> he said this.

> -I'm concerned because he has a family history of mental health issues and

> his mother is a very nasty BP.

> -Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do-he used to attend

> counselling with me, and was great as long as he was going. Since I was told

> I was doing well and got to " graduate " from therapy, his worldview seems to

> be getting more and more like his mother's. I've noticed the longer he is

> away from counselling the worse he is getting. He is now refusing to go

> back-I have made several app'ts around his work schedule and during the very

> limited hours he has requested, and he still won't go-always finds an

> excuse.

> -Finally, based on his view of our relationship, I almost feel sorry for

> him. I told him the relationship he THINKS he is having with me is not

> healthy (He lives in a world where I am always angry, critical, and

> controlling) I have worked very hard at therapy, and don't think I am any of

> these things, although I do occasionally get angry but am always careful to

> be respectful when expressing anger. I don't know who he is having a

> relationship with, but it's not me. I'm just not sure what there is to stay

> in this relationship-he never gives me ANY postive feedback-that I did a

> good job, or look nice-EVER. Not even on our wedding day did he say one nice

> thing with regard to my appearance. In fact he seems to get upset when I

> take time on my appearance. So please, if any has any advice or what do you

> think is going on with him???? Should I pack up and leave???

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That was what first came to my mind--depression. He needs to see a doctor,

and quite possibly get back on counseling.

On Sat, Sep 17, 2011 at 9:01 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> The changes make me think he is depressed. Will he see a doctor for it?

>

> On Sat, Sep 17, 2011 at 7:17 AM, greengoldfish77

> wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hi everyone, in my last post I mentioned going to neurofeedback and how

> > this has improved my quality of life. As a result,I'm feeling stronger

> and

> > healthier and starting to recognize there are some things seriously wrong

> > with my relationship with my husband. Just wondering if anyone has any

> > insight into this:

> >

> > -he refuses to go out and make friends. He does not have any friends that

> > he talks to or has seen socially in over a year. He has 1 co-worker he

> gets

> > along with and that is his entire social network. He tells me he eats in

> his

> > car at lunch so he doesn't have to see anyone. He doesn't encourage me in

> > going out, making friends and he HATES when I invite anyone to our house.

> > Anytime we are out in a crowded area, he panics and we end up leaving.

> > -he has stopped taking care of his appearance-he goes months without

> > getting his hair cut and will wear the same dirty pair of pants 5 days in

> a

> > row to work. His shoes were falling apart (flapping open) and it took

> > several months of this before he replaced them.(he used to take really

> good

> > care of himself this is not typical!)

> > -he has stopped helping me around the house, and has told me he " chooses

> to

> > live in filth and squalor " and I should just accept that is how things

> are.

> > All attempts to get him on board with making a plan and getting the house

> > sorted out result in an argument. I'm starting to think he is sabotaging

> my

> > attempts to clean or enlist his help.

> > -he has outbursts of anger whenever I get annoyed, reasonably angry or

> say

> > anything in any way that he deems critical. I tread softly around him.

> > -today when I tried to get him to agree to go out so we could talk about

> > what we can do to make our relationship better, he told me " everyone's

> > relationship sucks, our relationship sucks, that's reality'and that

> unlike

> > me, he chooses to make the best of it.

> > -when I told him, I didn't think I could take much more of this and need

> to

> > get away for a few days, that I still wanted him to have access to our

> son

> > (which is what I was trying to sort out), he told me the problems in our

> > relationship are my anger and not taking responsibility (I take more than

> my

> > share!), and the fact that I always run away from problems. Ironically(I

> had

> > to laugh) he was getting into his car and slamming the door in my face

> while

> > he said this.

> > -I'm concerned because he has a family history of mental health issues

> and

> > his mother is a very nasty BP.

> > -Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do-he used to attend

> > counselling with me, and was great as long as he was going. Since I was

> told

> > I was doing well and got to " graduate " from therapy, his worldview seems

> to

> > be getting more and more like his mother's. I've noticed the longer he is

> > away from counselling the worse he is getting. He is now refusing to go

> > back-I have made several app'ts around his work schedule and during the

> very

> > limited hours he has requested, and he still won't go-always finds an

> > excuse.

> > -Finally, based on his view of our relationship, I almost feel sorry for

> > him. I told him the relationship he THINKS he is having with me is not

> > healthy (He lives in a world where I am always angry, critical, and

> > controlling) I have worked very hard at therapy, and don't think I am any

> of

> > these things, although I do occasionally get angry but am always careful

> to

> > be respectful when expressing anger. I don't know who he is having a

> > relationship with, but it's not me. I'm just not sure what there is to

> stay

> > in this relationship-he never gives me ANY postive feedback-that I did a

> > good job, or look nice-EVER. Not even on our wedding day did he say one

> nice

> > thing with regard to my appearance. In fact he seems to get upset when I

> > take time on my appearance. So please, if any has any advice or what do

> you

> > think is going on with him???? Should I pack up and leave???

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yikes. I am in a similar situation. Sounds like youre already alone. Also sounds

like you already know what you may need to do.

Sent from my mobile device.

> Hi everyone, in my last post I mentioned going to neurofeedback and how this

has improved my quality of life. As a result,I'm feeling stronger and healthier

and starting to recognize there are some things seriously wrong with my

relationship with my husband. Just wondering if anyone has any insight into

this:

>

> -he refuses to go out and make friends. He does not have any friends that he

talks to or has seen socially in over a year. He has 1 co-worker he gets along

with and that is his entire social network. He tells me he eats in his car at

lunch so he doesn't have to see anyone. He doesn't encourage me in going out,

making friends and he HATES when I invite anyone to our house. Anytime we are

out in a crowded area, he panics and we end up leaving.

> -he has stopped taking care of his appearance-he goes months without getting

his hair cut and will wear the same dirty pair of pants 5 days in a row to work.

His shoes were falling apart (flapping open) and it took several months of this

before he replaced them.(he used to take really good care of himself this is not

typical!)

> -he has stopped helping me around the house, and has told me he " chooses to

live in filth and squalor " and I should just accept that is how things are. All

attempts to get him on board with making a plan and getting the house sorted out

result in an argument. I'm starting to think he is sabotaging my attempts to

clean or enlist his help.

> -he has outbursts of anger whenever I get annoyed, reasonably angry or say

anything in any way that he deems critical. I tread softly around him.

> -today when I tried to get him to agree to go out so we could talk about what

we can do to make our relationship better, he told me " everyone's relationship

sucks, our relationship sucks, that's reality'and that unlike me, he chooses to

make the best of it.

> -when I told him, I didn't think I could take much more of this and need to

get away for a few days, that I still wanted him to have access to our son

(which is what I was trying to sort out), he told me the problems in our

relationship are my anger and not taking responsibility (I take more than my

share!), and the fact that I always run away from problems. Ironically(I had to

laugh) he was getting into his car and slamming the door in my face while he

said this.

> -I'm concerned because he has a family history of mental health issues and his

mother is a very nasty BP.

> -Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do-he used to attend counselling

with me, and was great as long as he was going. Since I was told I was doing

well and got to " graduate " from therapy, his worldview seems to be getting more

and more like his mother's. I've noticed the longer he is away from counselling

the worse he is getting. He is now refusing to go back-I have made several

app'ts around his work schedule and during the very limited hours he has

requested, and he still won't go-always finds an excuse.

> -Finally, based on his view of our relationship, I almost feel sorry for him.

I told him the relationship he THINKS he is having with me is not healthy (He

lives in a world where I am always angry, critical, and controlling) I have

worked very hard at therapy, and don't think I am any of these things, although

I do occasionally get angry but am always careful to be respectful when

expressing anger. I don't know who he is having a relationship with, but it's

not me. I'm just not sure what there is to stay in this relationship-he never

gives me ANY postive feedback-that I did a good job, or look nice-EVER. Not even

on our wedding day did he say one nice thing with regard to my appearance. In

fact he seems to get upset when I take time on my appearance. So please, if any

has any advice or what do you think is going on with him???? Should I pack up

and leave???

>

>

[Guest guest]

(((((GGF))))) Whether to leave your marriage or not, is something only you can

decide; that's a very heavy-duty decision that involves your child's needs,

feelings, and safety as well as your own.

From what you've written, it sounds like some of your husband's

less-than-positive traits and behaviors are long-standing (he's never been

openly verbally complimentary or appreciative toward you, he's always been

uncomfortable socializing with people, has always discouraged you from normal

socializing, and has always felt very distressed in crowd situations, etc.) but

other negative behaviors you've said have appeared more recently, such as

neglecting basic self-care (personal hygiene and appearance) refusing to

contribute his share of the household chores and maintenance, refusing to

continue with marriage counseling, and you say he seems more generally hostile,

critical and unhappy lately.

I'm no psychologist, but what you've described sounds pretty serious to me. My

suggestion would be to first get him in for a complete medical exam to rule out

things like a brain tumor, a traumatic brain injury, alcoholism or illegal

drugs. If he's clean and all systems are working properly from a physical

standpoint, then, my next step would be to let him know that you care about him,

but if he refuses to see a psychologist/psychiatrist for individual treatment,

and refuses to work on figuring out why his behaviors have changed and become so

negative and hostile toward you, and refuses to work seriously on changing those

negative behaviors, that that could be a deal-breaker RE your marriage.

My own personal opinion is that his behaviors are beyond the scope of what

marriage counseling is set up to deal with, and if his increasingly negative

behaviors are not due to a medical issue, and he is not responding to normal

efforts at communication and problem-solving between you as a couple, then its

something only a psychologist or psychiatrist can help him with.

If it reaches a point where your husband is becoming verbally aggressive, and

threatening physical violence toward you or your child, or if your husband is

already emotionally/verbally or physically abusive toward you or your child,

then in my opinion its definitely time to separate, until or unless he seeks

treatment and shows some long-term positive changes/improvement.

Just my two cent's worth.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone, in my last post I mentioned going to neurofeedback and how this

has improved my quality of life. As a result,I'm feeling stronger and healthier

and starting to recognize there are some things seriously wrong with my

relationship with my husband. Just wondering if anyone has any insight into

this:

>

> -he refuses to go out and make friends. He does not have any friends that he

talks to or has seen socially in over a year. He has 1 co-worker he gets along

with and that is his entire social network. He tells me he eats in his car at

lunch so he doesn't have to see anyone. He doesn't encourage me in going out,

making friends and he HATES when I invite anyone to our house. Anytime we are

out in a crowded area, he panics and we end up leaving.

> -he has stopped taking care of his appearance-he goes months without getting

his hair cut and will wear the same dirty pair of pants 5 days in a row to work.

His shoes were falling apart (flapping open) and it took several months of this

before he replaced them.(he used to take really good care of himself this is not

typical!)

> -he has stopped helping me around the house, and has told me he " chooses to

live in filth and squalor " and I should just accept that is how things are. All

attempts to get him on board with making a plan and getting the house sorted out

result in an argument. I'm starting to think he is sabotaging my attempts to

clean or enlist his help.

> -he has outbursts of anger whenever I get annoyed, reasonably angry or say

anything in any way that he deems critical. I tread softly around him.

> -today when I tried to get him to agree to go out so we could talk about what

we can do to make our relationship better, he told me " everyone's relationship

sucks, our relationship sucks, that's reality'and that unlike me, he chooses to

make the best of it.

> -when I told him, I didn't think I could take much more of this and need to

get away for a few days, that I still wanted him to have access to our son

(which is what I was trying to sort out), he told me the problems in our

relationship are my anger and not taking responsibility (I take more than my

share!), and the fact that I always run away from problems. Ironically(I had to

laugh) he was getting into his car and slamming the door in my face while he

said this.

> -I'm concerned because he has a family history of mental health issues and his

mother is a very nasty BP.

> -Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do-he used to attend counselling

with me, and was great as long as he was going. Since I was told I was doing

well and got to " graduate " from therapy, his worldview seems to be getting more

and more like his mother's. I've noticed the longer he is away from counselling

the worse he is getting. He is now refusing to go back-I have made several

app'ts around his work schedule and during the very limited hours he has

requested, and he still won't go-always finds an excuse.

> -Finally, based on his view of our relationship, I almost feel sorry for him.

I told him the relationship he THINKS he is having with me is not healthy (He

lives in a world where I am always angry, critical, and controlling) I have

worked very hard at therapy, and don't think I am any of these things, although

I do occasionally get angry but am always careful to be respectful when

expressing anger. I don't know who he is having a relationship with, but it's

not me. I'm just not sure what there is to stay in this relationship-he never

gives me ANY postive feedback-that I did a good job, or look nice-EVER. Not

even on our wedding day did he say one nice thing with regard to my appearance.

In fact he seems to get upset when I take time on my appearance. So please, if

any has any advice or what do you think is going on with him???? Should I pack

up and leave???

>

[Guest guest]

Goldfish, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. it sounds like as it

stands now, you may as well be alone.

What concerns me most (after you) is your son. Your husband just sounds like

he's not in a place where he's connecting with too many people. I doubt he has

the emotional energy to connect with a child (I'm assuming your son is on the

youngish side).

I think your husband sounds avoidant and depressed and you may need to jolt him

out of it at the very least with a temporary separation and see how he goes from

there.

The first bullet you listed (the one about how he refuses to go out, etc)...that

was me from year 2 to about year 9 or 10 of my marriage. I was depressed,

unmotivated. I would scowl and just pout when my husband attempted to cheer me

or get me to be more social. Your husband's situation sounds like he's very

depressed.

Is your husband very close to his family? By close I mean in constant contact

with them? For me, I realized that what was making me emotionally sick and

depressed was how I had absolutely no voice, esp with my FOO. I had allowed

them to suck the life out of me and I had nothing left for my marriage or

growing family. I still think my depression was over my inability to speak up

and tell my parents to shove off and not interfere in my life. They were like a

parasite on a host body, eagerly sucking away. I just had to ask about his

family's influence, b/c your description of your husband sounded painfully like

me 10 years ago.

I wish you courage and if you have good friends who can stick by your side right

now and be there for you and your son, I think that would be good for you. You

must be very weary, just from all the effort of sustaining a relationship.

Best wishes!

Fiona

>

> Hi everyone, in my last post I mentioned going to neurofeedback and how this

has improved my quality of life. As a result,I'm feeling stronger and healthier

and starting to recognize there are some things seriously wrong with my

relationship with my husband. Just wondering if anyone has any insight into

this:

>

> -he refuses to go out and make friends. He does not have any friends that he

talks to or has seen socially in over a year. He has 1 co-worker he gets along

with and that is his entire social network. He tells me he eats in his car at

lunch so he doesn't have to see anyone. He doesn't encourage me in going out,

making friends and he HATES when I invite anyone to our house. Anytime we are

out in a crowded area, he panics and we end up leaving.

> -he has stopped taking care of his appearance-he goes months without getting

his hair cut and will wear the same dirty pair of pants 5 days in a row to work.

His shoes were falling apart (flapping open) and it took several months of this

before he replaced them.(he used to take really good care of himself this is not

typical!)

> -he has stopped helping me around the house, and has told me he " chooses to

live in filth and squalor " and I should just accept that is how things are. All

attempts to get him on board with making a plan and getting the house sorted out

result in an argument. I'm starting to think he is sabotaging my attempts to

clean or enlist his help.

> -he has outbursts of anger whenever I get annoyed, reasonably angry or say

anything in any way that he deems critical. I tread softly around him.

> -today when I tried to get him to agree to go out so we could talk about what

we can do to make our relationship better, he told me " everyone's relationship

sucks, our relationship sucks, that's reality'and that unlike me, he chooses to

make the best of it.

> -when I told him, I didn't think I could take much more of this and need to

get away for a few days, that I still wanted him to have access to our son

(which is what I was trying to sort out), he told me the problems in our

relationship are my anger and not taking responsibility (I take more than my

share!), and the fact that I always run away from problems. Ironically(I had to

laugh) he was getting into his car and slamming the door in my face while he

said this.

> -I'm concerned because he has a family history of mental health issues and his

mother is a very nasty BP.

> -Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do-he used to attend counselling

with me, and was great as long as he was going. Since I was told I was doing

well and got to " graduate " from therapy, his worldview seems to be getting more

and more like his mother's. I've noticed the longer he is away from counselling

the worse he is getting. He is now refusing to go back-I have made several

app'ts around his work schedule and during the very limited hours he has

requested, and he still won't go-always finds an excuse.

> -Finally, based on his view of our relationship, I almost feel sorry for him.

I told him the relationship he THINKS he is having with me is not healthy (He

lives in a world where I am always angry, critical, and controlling) I have

worked very hard at therapy, and don't think I am any of these things, although

I do occasionally get angry but am always careful to be respectful when

expressing anger. I don't know who he is having a relationship with, but it's

not me. I'm just not sure what there is to stay in this relationship-he never

gives me ANY postive feedback-that I did a good job, or look nice-EVER. Not

even on our wedding day did he say one nice thing with regard to my appearance.

In fact he seems to get upset when I take time on my appearance. So please, if

any has any advice or what do you think is going on with him???? Should I pack

up and leave???

>

[Guest guest]

GGF - Annie has hit the nail on the head (as usual!!) and I can't add anything

to her analysis of your husband's behavior. Right now he's acting like somebody

you have to take care of and tiptoe around, rather than a partner who can

contribute to your life and your son's upbringing. And you do NOT want your son

to grow up thinking that this is what " normal male behavior " looks like.

So let's assume you're going to keep trying to get him some help. That's a

great idea. His statement that everybody's relationship sucks is not true (you

know this, right?) - everybody's relationship sucks sometimes, but overall if

you're going to volunteer to be in a marriage or cohabitation relationship, it

has to be OK much, much more often than it sucks. And it sounds like this is

sucking ALL the time. Not acceptable.

If you decide he won't change or get help, perhaps you should start making your

escape plan. Money, housing, car, retirement, your son's schooling, visitation

issues - think about them in advance and determine whether you can leave (or

start working toward the goal of being able to leave if you need to) - then YOU

can make the decision, rather than being stuck in a bad relationship, or having

the decision thrust upon you. If he won't go to counseling, you go anyway - to

learn to deal with him or how to plan for your future as a single parent. Just

keep your eyes on YOUR future - you want to be healthy, both physically and

emotionally,and you want your son to grow up into a healthy, sane young man

who'll be able to enter into sane, healthy relationships of his own. And, if

it's possible, look for some positive role models for your son. Coaches,

teachers, neighbor dads, etc. - he needs to know what it's like to get healthy

guidance and attention from a good guy. (This would not be the same as looking

for a boyfriend for yourself while you're married! I'm talking about seeking

out some adults - other families, PTA members, etc. - who will become your

'village' and help you raise that boy.)

Just as with our BPD parents, if we can't count on our spouses, we can't just

sink into their illness or dysfunction. We have to survive, with or without

them, and as parents we have to do what is best for our kids, all the time,

every time.

I wish you luck with this, and a brighter, more peaceful future no matter what

choice you make.

> >

> > Hi everyone, in my last post I mentioned going to neurofeedback and how this

has improved my quality of life. As a result,I'm feeling stronger and healthier

and starting to recognize there are some things seriously wrong with my

relationship with my husband. Just wondering if anyone has any insight into

this:

> >

> > -he refuses to go out and make friends. He does not have any friends that he

talks to or has seen socially in over a year. He has 1 co-worker he gets along

with and that is his entire social network. He tells me he eats in his car at

lunch so he doesn't have to see anyone. He doesn't encourage me in going out,

making friends and he HATES when I invite anyone to our house. Anytime we are

out in a crowded area, he panics and we end up leaving.

> > -he has stopped taking care of his appearance-he goes months without getting

his hair cut and will wear the same dirty pair of pants 5 days in a row to work.

His shoes were falling apart (flapping open) and it took several months of this

before he replaced them.(he used to take really good care of himself this is not

typical!)

> > -he has stopped helping me around the house, and has told me he " chooses to

live in filth and squalor " and I should just accept that is how things are. All

attempts to get him on board with making a plan and getting the house sorted out

result in an argument. I'm starting to think he is sabotaging my attempts to

clean or enlist his help.

> > -he has outbursts of anger whenever I get annoyed, reasonably angry or say

anything in any way that he deems critical. I tread softly around him.

> > -today when I tried to get him to agree to go out so we could talk about

what we can do to make our relationship better, he told me " everyone's

relationship sucks, our relationship sucks, that's reality'and that unlike me,

he chooses to make the best of it.

> > -when I told him, I didn't think I could take much more of this and need to

get away for a few days, that I still wanted him to have access to our son

(which is what I was trying to sort out), he told me the problems in our

relationship are my anger and not taking responsibility (I take more than my

share!), and the fact that I always run away from problems. Ironically(I had to

laugh) he was getting into his car and slamming the door in my face while he

said this.

> > -I'm concerned because he has a family history of mental health issues and

his mother is a very nasty BP.

> > -Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do-he used to attend

counselling with me, and was great as long as he was going. Since I was told I

was doing well and got to " graduate " from therapy, his worldview seems to be

getting more and more like his mother's. I've noticed the longer he is away from

counselling the worse he is getting. He is now refusing to go back-I have made

several app'ts around his work schedule and during the very limited hours he has

requested, and he still won't go-always finds an excuse.

> > -Finally, based on his view of our relationship, I almost feel sorry for

him. I told him the relationship he THINKS he is having with me is not healthy

(He lives in a world where I am always angry, critical, and controlling) I have

worked very hard at therapy, and don't think I am any of these things, although

I do occasionally get angry but am always careful to be respectful when

expressing anger. I don't know who he is having a relationship with, but it's

not me. I'm just not sure what there is to stay in this relationship-he never

gives me ANY postive feedback-that I did a good job, or look nice-EVER. Not

even on our wedding day did he say one nice thing with regard to my appearance.

In fact he seems to get upset when I take time on my appearance. So please, if

any has any advice or what do you think is going on with him???? Should I pack

up and leave???

> >

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