how to handle a new friendship

September 18, 2011

Hi everyone,

I've been making more of an effort to reach out and be more social and connect

with other humans, and I'm really enjoying it. Definitely have encountered

conflicts and difficult things that needed to be said, but I'm proud of myself

for not allowing my waify fleas and hermit fleas to be dominant in me as they

have my whole life.

Well, recently, I met a fellow mom where I live. We've gotten together to work

out and have breakfast.

I really do value this friendship. I have to say, it's the first friendship I've

had in a long time where I've actually played a part in sustaining it and in

initiating getting together, etc. We laugh a lot and share about our kids, etc.

I do feel, however, that our friendship has passed its " honeymoon " stage and now

we're entering waters where she will say things that I disagree with. This is

the stop where I usually get off in friendships. Disagree with me? Buh-bye!

Say something I don't like? I won't return your calls. So I'm trying to change

my patterns.

Anyway, here are situations I've run into with my new friend where, in the past,

I would have bailed on the friendship. Again, I do like her, overall; I want to

find a way to work around my dislikes of her; I'm starting to realize there are

no perfect friends or friendships.:

* She seems to like controlling her surroundings a lot and is a tightly wound

person, the kind of person who drives theater managers, cashiers, and waiters

crazy. The other day we went out for breakfast. She planned on bringing her 3 yo

son back to the same restaurant for lunch that same day. She goes up to our

waitress and asks her, please, not to mention that she'd been there for

breakfast b/c it might upset him. It took the waitress a moment to get what my

friend was saying! I definitely had a 'wtf??' moment. It seemed to give her

peace to have controlled that potential situation.

* Late last year, she opened up to me that her sister is BPD and had I ever

heard of this? (I've been wanting to post about this but wasn't sure what I

wanted to say about it.) I told her I had and that my mother, though

undiagnosed, seemed to me to be borderline. After she opened up about her

sister, she didn't share anymore about it. I think it was too painful for her

(apparently the sister blew up at a holiday gathering, raging at my friend in

front of everyone gathered, saying inappropriate things and my friend went NC

with her).

* It annoys me that she equates her situation with her sister to mine with my

mother. It's not the same, imo, and I've plainly said so to her. If it were my

brother, I'd have no problem blowing him off. With your mother, there's baggage.

And if she's elderly and needy, there's an added layer of guilt. Your

able-bodied, bitch sister is not the same. One time, I emailed her about a

problem with my mother. Her response was a long email telling me it was the last

time she would tell me that what I need to do is tell my mother to see a shrink

or else we simply could not have a relationship, and then go NC with her, like

she did with her sister. Her implied impatience was rude. I never responded to

her email and though she and I have gotten together many times since then,

neither of us has spoken again about it. I decided she is simply not a person I

want to talk to about my mother. She doesn't get it. She seems to have a sane

mother.

* It annoys me that conversing with her is one, long, run-on sentence. She'll

make a point, then say " OH! and then... " She rarely leaves a gap in the

conversation for me to jump in and take part in the conversation and she talks

really fast. REALLY fast. I have to talk very fast to make a point. Again, I'm

trying to be a grown-up here, so sometimes, I will just listen and let her go

on. She's a stay at home mom, so I don't think she gets to talk to very many

people aside from her mother on the phone, so I try to let her talk.

* When we first met, she told me that she loathes being interrupted when she's

talking. I get that it makes her feel unheard. But when I do jump in (as I noted

in above bullet), she gives me an annoyed look. I just keep going. I figure

she'll complain if she wants to.

* She's a new mom and she has an adorable son, but she's in that early stage of

motherhood where you think your kids were made with extra-special clay by God

and that they really will be the president. In other words, his shit don't

stink. She was watching my kids for 2 hours one afternoon and the next time I

saw her she said, " I had to pick my battles with your little one. " I said " oh?

were their battles? you hadn't mentioned it before. " (btw, the " battle " was

that her son had told my 6 yo to follow him into his mother's bedroom to show my

dd some happy meal toy he got.) I remember when my oldest was the only child and

my friend's son's age and I would get miffed at other noisy, older children who

weren't as refined as my own! But now being on the other side of that, I don't

like it and I don't like the way she talks about my kids sometimes as though

they weren't as special as her boy. I might have to say something if she keeps

on that track.

Again, I really do like her. She's very kind (she picked my kids up from school

last week) and she's funny and a good listener (when I do get to talk). AND what

I especially like about her is that she's my lab rat. I say EXACTLY what I mean

around her and not what I think she wants me to say. I set boundaries and watch

for fireworks with a big smile on my face. The other day, she started talking

about how to redesign my kids' room. I TOTALLY interrupted her and said VERY

bluntly, " I don't want to talk about it. Stop. Stop talking about it. " And she

did stop, and thanked me for being honest. Woo hoo!

I think what scares me is that maybe I'm not seeing that my friend herself might

have BP or might be a crazy loon I'm going to have to lose soon. I'm concerned

that somehow, subconsciously, we were drawn to a friendship b/c of our BP

relatives. I'm scared that, because I haven't had good " friendship " antennae in

the past, I'm not reading this one right. She's a stay at home mom and has

admitted that she feels very burnt out and, at times, isolated. I know she's

grateful for my friendship, too.

Anyway, I just wanted to lay this all out and see what you guys think. It's

nice to have a friend and to learn to work around the rough edges; just want to

be sure I'm not being blind to crazy!!

If you've read this far, thank you for listening!

Fiona

September 18, 2011

FIONA!!!!! I just LOVE YOU!!! You are doing so well. Your friend kinda

sounds bitchy but if she makes a good lab rat then that's awesome. It

would but the hell out of me that she didn't want her son to know she went

there for breakfast thought. What was that about?

On Sun, Sep 18, 2011 at 5:19 AM, Fiona wrote:

> **

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I've been making more of an effort to reach out and be more social and

> connect with other humans, and I'm really enjoying it. Definitely have

> encountered conflicts and difficult things that needed to be said, but I'm

> proud of myself for not allowing my waify fleas and hermit fleas to be

> dominant in me as they have my whole life.

>

> Well, recently, I met a fellow mom where I live. We've gotten together to

> work out and have breakfast.

>

> I really do value this friendship. I have to say, it's the first friendship

> I've had in a long time where I've actually played a part in sustaining it

> and in initiating getting together, etc. We laugh a lot and share about our

> kids, etc.

>

> I do feel, however, that our friendship has passed its " honeymoon " stage

> and now we're entering waters where she will say things that I disagree

> with. This is the stop where I usually get off in friendships. Disagree with

> me? Buh-bye! Say something I don't like? I won't return your calls. So I'm

> trying to change my patterns.

>

> Anyway, here are situations I've run into with my new friend where, in the

> past, I would have bailed on the friendship. Again, I do like her, overall;

> I want to find a way to work around my dislikes of her; I'm starting to

> realize there are no perfect friends or friendships.:

>

> * She seems to like controlling her surroundings a lot and is a tightly

> wound person, the kind of person who drives theater managers, cashiers, and

> waiters crazy. The other day we went out for breakfast. She planned on

> bringing her 3 yo son back to the same restaurant for lunch that same day.

> She goes up to our waitress and asks her, please, not to mention that she'd

> been there for breakfast b/c it might upset him. It took the waitress a

> moment to get what my friend was saying! I definitely had a 'wtf??' moment.

> It seemed to give her peace to have controlled that potential situation.

>

> * Late last year, she opened up to me that her sister is BPD and had I ever

> heard of this? (I've been wanting to post about this but wasn't sure what I

> wanted to say about it.) I told her I had and that my mother, though

> undiagnosed, seemed to me to be borderline. After she opened up about her

> sister, she didn't share anymore about it. I think it was too painful for

> her (apparently the sister blew up at a holiday gathering, raging at my

> friend in front of everyone gathered, saying inappropriate things and my

> friend went NC with her).

>

> * It annoys me that she equates her situation with her sister to mine with

> my mother. It's not the same, imo, and I've plainly said so to her. If it

> were my brother, I'd have no problem blowing him off. With your mother,

> there's baggage. And if she's elderly and needy, there's an added layer of

> guilt. Your able-bodied, bitch sister is not the same. One time, I emailed

> her about a problem with my mother. Her response was a long email telling me

> it was the last time she would tell me that what I need to do is tell my

> mother to see a shrink or else we simply could not have a relationship, and

> then go NC with her, like she did with her sister. Her implied impatience

> was rude. I never responded to her email and though she and I have gotten

> together many times since then, neither of us has spoken again about it. I

> decided she is simply not a person I want to talk to about my mother. She

> doesn't get it. She seems to have a sane mother.

>

> * It annoys me that conversing with her is one, long, run-on sentence.

> She'll make a point, then say " OH! and then... " She rarely leaves a gap in

> the conversation for me to jump in and take part in the conversation and she

> talks really fast. REALLY fast. I have to talk very fast to make a point.

> Again, I'm trying to be a grown-up here, so sometimes, I will just listen

> and let her go on. She's a stay at home mom, so I don't think she gets to

> talk to very many people aside from her mother on the phone, so I try to let

> her talk.

>

> * When we first met, she told me that she loathes being interrupted when

> she's talking. I get that it makes her feel unheard. But when I do jump in

> (as I noted in above bullet), she gives me an annoyed look. I just keep

> going. I figure she'll complain if she wants to.

>

> * She's a new mom and she has an adorable son, but she's in that early

> stage of motherhood where you think your kids were made with extra-special

> clay by God and that they really will be the president. In other words, his

> shit don't stink. She was watching my kids for 2 hours one afternoon and the

> next time I saw her she said, " I had to pick my battles with your little

> one. " I said " oh? were their battles? you hadn't mentioned it before. "

> (btw, the " battle " was that her son had told my 6 yo to follow him into his

> mother's bedroom to show my dd some happy meal toy he got.) I remember when

> my oldest was the only child and my friend's son's age and I would get

> miffed at other noisy, older children who weren't as refined as my own! But

> now being on the other side of that, I don't like it and I don't like the

> way she talks about my kids sometimes as though they weren't as special as

> her boy. I might have to say something if she keeps on that track.

>

> Again, I really do like her. She's very kind (she picked my kids up from

> school last week) and she's funny and a good listener (when I do get to

> talk). AND what I especially like about her is that she's my lab rat. I say

> EXACTLY what I mean around her and not what I think she wants me to say. I

> set boundaries and watch for fireworks with a big smile on my face. The

> other day, she started talking about how to redesign my kids' room. I

> TOTALLY interrupted her and said VERY bluntly, " I don't want to talk about

> it. Stop. Stop talking about it. " And she did stop, and thanked me for

> being honest. Woo hoo!

>

> I think what scares me is that maybe I'm not seeing that my friend herself

> might have BP or might be a crazy loon I'm going to have to lose soon. I'm

> concerned that somehow, subconsciously, we were drawn to a friendship b/c of

> our BP relatives. I'm scared that, because I haven't had good " friendship "

> antennae in the past, I'm not reading this one right. She's a stay at home

> mom and has admitted that she feels very burnt out and, at times, isolated.

> I know she's grateful for my friendship, too.

>

> Anyway, I just wanted to lay this all out and see what you guys think.

> It's nice to have a friend and to learn to work around the rough edges;

> just want to be sure I'm not being blind to crazy!!

>

> If you've read this far, thank you for listening!

>

> Fiona

>

September 18, 2011

You didn't pick a mousy one, did you? LOL! This friend of yours sounds

controlling and alternatively nurturing/ingratiating.

I don't think the BPD apples fall too far from the trees. But Fiona, YOU don't

strike me as that being your problem. Your friend, however, is suspect--the

months ahead will tell the tale. She may just have a lot of FLEAS!

Good for you for getting out there! You are an inspiration to me!

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I've been making more of an effort to reach out and be more social and connect

with other humans, and I'm really enjoying it. Definitely have encountered

conflicts and difficult things that needed to be said, but I'm proud of myself

for not allowing my waify fleas and hermit fleas to be dominant in me as they

have my whole life.

>

> Well, recently, I met a fellow mom where I live. We've gotten together to work

out and have breakfast.

>

> I really do value this friendship. I have to say, it's the first friendship

I've had in a long time where I've actually played a part in sustaining it and

in initiating getting together, etc. We laugh a lot and share about our kids,

etc.

>

> I do feel, however, that our friendship has passed its " honeymoon " stage and

now we're entering waters where she will say things that I disagree with. This

is the stop where I usually get off in friendships. Disagree with me? Buh-bye!