Guest guest Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Greetings everyone! I am so glad I found this website/group. A little background... I am 24 years old, and have three siblings. We always joke around about how we were raised in a " fun house " , but never thought much of it until recently. I am in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, and my program strongly encourages us to seek our own therapy as we go through the program so we can work out our issues. I was sitting in a session with my therapist the other day and realized that I have been internalizing my mothers BPD behavior. I always thought it was just me, that I was the one that was slightly off center. But the more I explore the relationship I have with my mother and the her own behavior/life, the more I realize that I can no longer ignore the issue. I think I have been in denial since I took my diagnostics class because I did not want to accept it. Now I am having a really hard time figuring out where to go from here and how to even interact with her. Nothing about her has changed, its just the knowledge I have gained in the past few years that has thrown a wrench in what I knew before. What is the next step? How do I come to terms with this? What can I do to improve the mother daughter relationship? Maybe I'm just grasping at sraws. I'm just hoping that someone has some hope to share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2011 Report Share Posted September 19, 2011 Hi Sharp, Welcome to the Group. We are indeed a group who understands what its like to be raised in a " fun house. " If you could/want to give an example of something about your relationship with your mother that is distressing you I think I could give you my opinion of a way (or maybe even more than one way) that I would handle it. But right off the bat, it sounds like you and your three sibs are on the same page, so to speak, and are all friendly and empathetic with each other, which is wonderful. There is nothing quite as stabilizing and healing as having a sibling (or your other parent, or anyone, really) validate your perception of reality that the way your bpd parent treats you or behaves is abnormal and maybe even abusive. Anyway, welcome, and feel free to share when you feel like it, or not. -Annie > > Greetings everyone! I am so glad I found this website/group. A little background... > > I am 24 years old, and have three siblings. We always joke around about how we were raised in a " fun house " , but never thought much of it until recently. I am in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, and my program strongly encourages us to seek our own therapy as we go through the program so we can work out our issues. I was sitting in a session with my therapist the other day and realized that I have been internalizing my mothers BPD behavior. I always thought it was just me, that I was the one that was slightly off center. But the more I explore the relationship I have with my mother and the her own behavior/life, the more I realize that I can no longer ignore the issue. I think I have been in denial since I took my diagnostics class because I did not want to accept it. Now I am having a really hard time figuring out where to go from here and how to even interact with her. Nothing about her has changed, its just the knowledge I have gained in the past few years that has thrown a wrench in what I knew before. > > What is the next step? How do I come to terms with this? What can I do to improve the mother daughter relationship? > > Maybe I'm just grasping at sraws. I'm just hoping that someone has some hope to share. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2011 Report Share Posted September 19, 2011 I'm just hoping that someone has some hope to share. sharpknives05, I believe that hope and acceptance are polar opposites. In order to have acceptance, you need to let go of hope. It was in college that I became very interested in personality disorders. I became very active in my community with families with BP loved ones, and even help Randi Kreger with her research for her latest book (I am in the acknowledgements). At the time, I could talk shop with those professionals and researchers on the cutting edge of knowledge in BPD. Randi still thinks I have a master's, even though I have told her several times that I don't, I have a bachelor's. However, I was clueless as to the BPD within my own family. My mother, only brother, step-mother, and myself, all had BPD. That's right, I (a former BP) was on the front line of the non-BP movement and I had no idea that I and many of my immediate family had BPD. How can this possibly be? The irony. BPs are capable of being counselors, mental health professionals, and social workers, without ever being diagnosed themselves. I feel very fortunate to have received my eventual insight and help. Therapy was intense and I thought it was never going to get better, but things eventually did get better. It is exhausting; there are so many things to accept and let go of. Just when you think it is finally winding down, you get hit with another insight that throws you into another crisis. After the psycho-dynamics slow down a bit (which is where acceptance happens), then comes the CBT (which is where change can happen). I learned about boundaries and started constructing them and re-enforcing them in my life. This is a very painful process, that involves more letting go and accepting. I had to let go of my mother and accept that she was never a mother and likely never would be. LC did not last long, NC was the only other option. I have been NC with nada for 3 years now. I used to be the beacon of hope in my community for families with a BPD loved one, but know I don't speak to my BP mother unless I absolutely have to. Again, the irony. I used to think that this would all end with me eventually being " normal " and everything around me miraculously transforming into some sort of utopia. Seriously, I really thought that. Now I have different expectations. I will always be different and life is full of curve balls. Sometimes things are good and sometimes things really suck. There is no room in my life for hope, only acceptance and healthy goals and choices. I believe that it is the journey that is the prize, not the destination. My destination is death and I want to accomplish as much as I can before I get there. It ain't over until it is completely over. I wonder what happens after that. You asked for hope. I am sorry to tell you that you may not get everything that you hope for, but you will get good things if you are willing to do the work ahead of you. I had to make great sacrifices to be where I am today. Today I don't loath myself. Today I have a self. Today I have faith that things will continue to improve as I continue to make health choices for me and my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 Hi and Welcome, You, in my opinion, are very young to have come to this realization. It is quite a huge blow to one's psyche, and I can relate to your situation a great deal. However, I was much older when I did, I was about 50. You have made a giant shift in your own reality and now nothing fits like it used to. You have my congratulaitons, and deep sympathy. The good news is you have knowledge, the bad news is the loss you feel of what you thought you had, and now nothing is the same. I can tell you that I have been in your very same shoes. I have decided not to share my realizations with my siblings as we just don't really talk about things like feelings, and as far as I can tell, they are both emeshed with our mother. I do have my husband and adult children to confide in and I trust them. We don't discuss this with anyone else (but me here). They help me stay centered. I hope you also have someone(s) to confide in about this, it would be very helpful for you, even if it is a counselor. As far as your mother/daughter relationship, I am assuming you have read some good technical books, but have you read self help books on this such as " Stop Walking on Eggshells " or " Understanding the Borderline Mother " ? Those both helped me a lot in changing how I framed my interacitons and relationship with my mother. I set much clearer boundries now and don't have near as much guilt about my life. My overall stress level has gone down and I sometimes even feel like what I want and feel matters. I still have backslides and sometimes still really mourn what I had before, but there is no going back and I do feel more emotionally healthy. Just know there is hope for a relationship with your mom, it just will feel very different for you, but it is what it is, and you can and will move forward. Ultimately knowing it isn't you who is off or weird is quite a relief and allow yourself to grieve your loss and be good to yourself, mother yourself. Things will be really hard sometimes but they will level off and you will feel better. Now I do have a relationship with my mother, it is just very different, but I will always love her and hope to always be able to have some contact with her. Best to you, > > Greetings everyone! I am so glad I found this website/group. A little background... > > I am 24 years old, and have three siblings. We always joke around about how we were raised in a " fun house " , but never thought much of it until recently. I am in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, and my program strongly encourages us to seek our own therapy as we go through the program so we can work out our issues. I was sitting in a session with my therapist the other day and realized that I have been internalizing my mothers BPD behavior. I always thought it was just me, that I was the one that was slightly off center. But the more I explore the relationship I have with my mother and the her own behavior/life, the more I realize that I can no longer ignore the issue. I think I have been in denial since I took my diagnostics class because I did not want to accept it. Now I am having a really hard time figuring out where to go from here and how to even interact with her. Nothing about her has changed, its just the knowledge I have gained in the past few years that has thrown a wrench in what I knew before. > > What is the next step? How do I come to terms with this? What can I do to improve the mother daughter relationship? > > Maybe I'm just grasping at sraws. I'm just hoping that someone has some hope to share. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 What can you do to improve the mother daughter relationship? So this is just all from my experience. I wish I had discovered that it wasn't me, that my mother had BPD, when I was 24, but I wasn't far behind you (I was 30). So here is what I have learned, and maybe this will work for you or maybe give you some different perspective. So, for the longest time I yearned to be able to fix the relationship between me and my mother. I thought I could do this by just refraining from arguing with her no matter what she said or did. That ended when she blew up at me over Christmas and threw things at me and had a total psychotic break from reality (so this was really a rage but I refer to it this way because that's what it looked like to me, who had been away from her for a while). I thought I could fix it even after that. I thought I could fix her. Through therapy I learned that I can't really improve our relationship, I can only adjust how I interact with her and how I allow her to affect me. I learned that I could improve the relationship (and when you say improve the relationship I take it you mean, improve it so you both get something positive out of it) by learning about her disorder and what role I play in our relationship. I very quickly determined I needed to be NC so that I could get perspective on my own issues that arose from being raised by a " nada " (not a mother). I think taking some time to be LC with our parents can be very helpful in learning how to cope. What I really want to share is that none of us know if there is hope for your mother as far as her changing or even your relationship changing. But there is absolutely a ton of hope for you. You are here, aware, and obviously willing to learn more about how this disorder in your family has affected you. > > > > Greetings everyone! I am so glad I found this website/group. A little background... > > > > I am 24 years old, and have three siblings. We always joke around about how we were raised in a " fun house " , but never thought much of it until recently. I am in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, and my program strongly encourages us to seek our own therapy as we go through the program so we can work out our issues. I was sitting in a session with my therapist the other day and realized that I have been internalizing my mothers BPD behavior. I always thought it was just me, that I was the one that was slightly off center. But the more I explore the relationship I have with my mother and the her own behavior/life, the more I realize that I can no longer ignore the issue. I think I have been in denial since I took my diagnostics class because I did not want to accept it. Now I am having a really hard time figuring out where to go from here and how to even interact with her. Nothing about her has changed, its just the knowledge I have gained in the past few years that has thrown a wrench in what I knew before. > > > > What is the next step? How do I come to terms with this? What can I do to improve the mother daughter relationship? > > > > Maybe I'm just grasping at sraws. I'm just hoping that someone has some hope to share. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 " none of us know if there is hope for your mother as far as her changing or even your relationship changing. But there is absolutely a ton of hope for you. " Beautiful, . Tears in my eyes. Beautifully said. > ** > > > What can you do to improve the mother daughter relationship? > > So this is just all from my experience. I wish I had discovered that it > wasn't me, that my mother had BPD, when I was 24, but I wasn't far behind > you (I was 30). So here is what I have learned, and maybe this will work for > you or maybe give you some different perspective. > > So, for the longest time I yearned to be able to fix the relationship > between me and my mother. I thought I could do this by just refraining from > arguing with her no matter what she said or did. That ended when she blew up > at me over Christmas and threw things at me and had a total psychotic break > from reality (so this was really a rage but I refer to it this way because > that's what it looked like to me, who had been away from her for a while). > ful > I thought I could fix it even after that. I thought I could fix her. > Through therapy I learned that I can't really improve our relationship, I > can only adjust how I interact with her and how I allow her to affect me. I > learned that I could improve the relationship (and when you say improve the > relationship I take it you mean, improve it so you both get something > positive out of it) by learning about her disorder and what role I play in > our relationship. I very quickly determined I needed to be NC so that I > could get perspective on my own issues that arose from being raised by a > " nada " (not a mother). > > I think taking some time to be LC with our parents can be very helpful in > learning how to cope. > > What I really want to share is that none of us know if there is hope for > your mother as far as her changing or even your relationship changing. But > there is absolutely a ton of hope for you. You are here, aware, and > obviously willing to learn more about how this disorder in your family has > affected you. > > > > > > > > Greetings everyone! I am so glad I found this website/group. A little > background... > > > > > > I am 24 years old, and have three siblings. We always joke around about > how we were raised in a " fun house " , but never thought much of it until > recently. I am in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, and > my program strongly encourages us to seek our own therapy as we go through > the program so we can work out our issues. I was sitting in a session with > my therapist the other day and realized that I have been internalizing my > mothers BPD behavior. I always thought it was just me, that I was the one > that was slightly off center. But the more I explore the relationship I have > with my mother and the her own behavior/life, the more I realize that I can > no longer ignore the issue. I think I have been in denial since I took my > diagnostics class because I did not want to accept it. Now I am having a > really hard time figuring out where to go from here and how to even interact > with her. Nothing about her has changed, its just the knowledge I have > gained in the past few years that has thrown a wrench in what I knew before. > > > > > > > What is the next step? How do I come to terms with this? What can I do > to improve the mother daughter relationship? > > > > > > Maybe I'm just grasping at sraws. I'm just hoping that someone has some > hope to share. > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Thank you all so much for your words and experiences. You are all very right in what you have said, and it feels good to be understood by real people. It is a relief to have figured her out, because now I know that it isnt really me, and that I cant really fix her. I have been so anxious for so long about my relationship with her, and it wasnt until I read all of these responses that I realized she is a Nada to me and has never really been a mother. I think she tried really hard when we were younger, but I havent had a positive encounter with her for a long time. Right now I am out of the house, as are my three siblings, and I feel most protective of my father who still lives with her. He is almost 73 and has a really hard time coping with her. He told me last week that he has tried everything he can think of to be a " bad husband " and a " worthless person " so that she would kick him out of the house because he can't deal with her on most days of the week. I did not realize that so much of the conflict in our family revolved around my mother. I have hope for me now because I have read the stories of people who have gone through similar things, and am more encouraged about my outcome. I am still coming to terms with the idea that I cant help her, and that I can only alter my reaction to her. At this point, its been about two weeks since I have spoken with her and am trying to limit my contact. I need to do more research on how to interact with her and figure out my own strategies to cope with this. These are just random thoughts I had after I read all of the responses. I am blessed to have found this group and am so thankful that I was welcome. I hope you are all having a good day thus far! -Charity > > > > > > > > Greetings everyone! I am so glad I found this website/group. A little > > background... > > > > > > > > I am 24 years old, and have three siblings. We always joke around about > > how we were raised in a " fun house " , but never thought much of it until > > recently. I am in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, and > > my program strongly encourages us to seek our own therapy as we go through > > the program so we can work out our issues. I was sitting in a session with > > my therapist the other day and realized that I have been internalizing my > > mothers BPD behavior. I always thought it was just me, that I was the one > > that was slightly off center. But the more I explore the relationship I have > > with my mother and the her own behavior/life, the more I realize that I can > > no longer ignore the issue. I think I have been in denial since I took my > > diagnostics class because I did not want to accept it. Now I am having a > > really hard time figuring out where to go from here and how to even interact > > with her. Nothing about her has changed, its just the knowledge I have > > gained in the past few years that has thrown a wrench in what I knew before. > > > > > > > > > > What is the next step? How do I come to terms with this? What can I do > > to improve the mother daughter relationship? > > > > > > > > Maybe I'm just grasping at sraws. I'm just hoping that someone has some > > hope to share. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Hi Charity, Sorry to have another person join the 'child of BDP' gang, but great that you've started to work some of this stuff out at such a young age. Welcome to the group. I've found speaking to all the amazing people on here invaluable in making sense of my past, I hope you find it helpful too. Take care, Sara > > > > > > > > > > Greetings everyone! I am so glad I found this website/group. A little > > > background... > > > > > > > > > > I am 24 years old, and have three siblings. We always joke around about > > > how we were raised in a " fun house " , but never thought much of it until > > > recently. I am in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, and > > > my program strongly encourages us to seek our own therapy as we go through > > > the program so we can work out our issues. I was sitting in a session with > > > my therapist the other day and realized that I have been internalizing my > > > mothers BPD behavior. I always thought it was just me, that I was the one > > > that was slightly off center. But the more I explore the relationship I have > > > with my mother and the her own behavior/life, the more I realize that I can > > > no longer ignore the issue. I think I have been in denial since I took my > > > diagnostics class because I did not want to accept it. Now I am having a > > > really hard time figuring out where to go from here and how to even interact > > > with her. Nothing about her has changed, its just the knowledge I have > > > gained in the past few years that has thrown a wrench in what I knew before. > > > > > > > > > > > > > What is the next step? How do I come to terms with this? What can I do > > > to improve the mother daughter relationship? > > > > > > > > > > Maybe I'm just grasping at sraws. I'm just hoping that someone has some > > > hope to share. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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