My anger, sadness and reactive day

[Guest guest]

.. . . so I dealt well reassuring my daughter that getting pregnant with her

didn't ruin my life. She's all snuggled in at college again feeling loved. I've

been alternating between being angry and wanting to cry. Drafting letters to

fada in my head about how he let my BPD nada run wild for years--now that nada

is going senile he has no precedent set to gain control and get nada the help

she obviously needs. DENIAL is the order of the day.

Nada is seriously getting history wrong, dates, etc. And anyone that challenges

her recollection is treated being shrieked at. Anyone who discounts her

statements (even slightly) is treated like a mortal enemy. Everything that is

told to her gets twisted, embellished and then she tells HER version of events

to others, much to the shock and embarrassment of the original story teller.

For a few fleeting minutes today I even wondered if I the one mentally ill--it

would be so much easier if this situation was all in my imagination. I had to

call my DH for reassurance.

After being the enmeshed child for most of my adult life, I believed I could

somehow keep some sort of communication with nada as she aged. I've been painted

black for close to 2 years now. It hurts. I would never do anything to hurt my

parents, and yet somehow I am a horrible person despite all the work I did to

try to keep the peace and support her over the years. None of that matters. The

only thing that matters is that I dared to disagree with her.

This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that having a BPD

parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going senile--and no one cares enough

or has the balls to do anything to help.

[Guest guest]

(((((Echobabe))))) I can relate to having to deal with the behaviors you

describe in your nada; its even more stressful than before to have an aging

parent with bpd who is also sliding into senile dementia. From my perspective,

my nada's Alzheimer's is like bpd on steroids. I wish you all the strength and

courage you need to protect yourself and your family from her negative, hurtful

behaviors / emotional abuse, while maintaining the understanding that at least

the dementia-generated behaviors (memory loss in particular) are not under her

control.

-Annie

>

> . . . so I dealt well reassuring my daughter that getting pregnant with her

didn't ruin my life. She's all snuggled in at college again feeling loved. I've

been alternating between being angry and wanting to cry. Drafting letters to

fada in my head about how he let my BPD nada run wild for years--now that nada

is going senile he has no precedent set to gain control and get nada the help

she obviously needs. DENIAL is the order of the day.

>

> Nada is seriously getting history wrong, dates, etc. And anyone that

challenges her recollection is treated being shrieked at. Anyone who discounts

her statements (even slightly) is treated like a mortal enemy. Everything that

is told to her gets twisted, embellished and then she tells HER version of

events to others, much to the shock and embarrassment of the original story

teller.

>

> For a few fleeting minutes today I even wondered if I the one mentally ill--it

would be so much easier if this situation was all in my imagination. I had to

call my DH for reassurance.

>

> After being the enmeshed child for most of my adult life, I believed I could

somehow keep some sort of communication with nada as she aged. I've been painted

black for close to 2 years now. It hurts. I would never do anything to hurt my

parents, and yet somehow I am a horrible person despite all the work I did to

try to keep the peace and support her over the years. None of that matters. The

only thing that matters is that I dared to disagree with her.

>

> This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that having a BPD

parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going senile--and no one cares enough

or has the balls to do anything to help.

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe,

I am so glad you reassured your daughter that you love her and want her, etc. My

nada said such horrible things all the time, hinting at how we kids ruined her

life. You are such a good mother to care so much that she feels loved. She is

very lucky to have you as a mother.

>

> . . . so I dealt well reassuring my daughter that getting pregnant with her

didn't ruin my life. She's all snuggled in at college again feeling loved. I've

been alternating between being angry and wanting to cry. Drafting letters to

fada in my head about how he let my BPD nada run wild for years--now that nada

is going senile he has no precedent set to gain control and get nada the help

she obviously needs. DENIAL is the order of the day.

>

> Nada is seriously getting history wrong, dates, etc. And anyone that

challenges her recollection is treated being shrieked at. Anyone who discounts

her statements (even slightly) is treated like a mortal enemy. Everything that

is told to her gets twisted, embellished and then she tells HER version of

events to others, much to the shock and embarrassment of the original story

teller.

>

> For a few fleeting minutes today I even wondered if I the one mentally ill--it

would be so much easier if this situation was all in my imagination. I had to

call my DH for reassurance.

>

> After being the enmeshed child for most of my adult life, I believed I could

somehow keep some sort of communication with nada as she aged. I've been painted

black for close to 2 years now. It hurts. I would never do anything to hurt my

parents, and yet somehow I am a horrible person despite all the work I did to

try to keep the peace and support her over the years. None of that matters. The

only thing that matters is that I dared to disagree with her.

>

> This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that having a BPD

parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going senile--and no one cares enough

or has the balls to do anything to help.

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe, doesn't it feel good to give your daughter what you didn't get as a

child. But at the same time it doesn't make better the pain that we carry. I

give my daughter unconditional love and regard, but this does not atone for my

own pain.

I was always the black sheep, until my brother died. Then there were a few

years were I was treated as the golden child. BUT then therapy happened, lol.

Now it is NC and I am " painted black " again. I haven't talked to that whole

side of the family since. I don't know if it hurts, because I have become numb.

I know you will do what is best for you. You always do echobabe.

>

> . . . so I dealt well reassuring my daughter that getting pregnant with her

didn't ruin my life. She's all snuggled in at college again feeling loved. I've

been alternating between being angry and wanting to cry. Drafting letters to

fada in my head about how he let my BPD nada run wild for years--now that nada

is going senile he has no precedent set to gain control and get nada the help

she obviously needs. DENIAL is the order of the day.

>

> Nada is seriously getting history wrong, dates, etc. And anyone that

challenges her recollection is treated being shrieked at. Anyone who discounts

her statements (even slightly) is treated like a mortal enemy. Everything that

is told to her gets twisted, embellished and then she tells HER version of

events to others, much to the shock and embarrassment of the original story

teller.

>

> For a few fleeting minutes today I even wondered if I the one mentally ill--it

would be so much easier if this situation was all in my imagination. I had to

call my DH for reassurance.

>

> After being the enmeshed child for most of my adult life, I believed I could

somehow keep some sort of communication with nada as she aged. I've been painted

black for close to 2 years now. It hurts. I would never do anything to hurt my

parents, and yet somehow I am a horrible person despite all the work I did to

try to keep the peace and support her over the years. None of that matters. The

only thing that matters is that I dared to disagree with her.

>

> This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that having a BPD

parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going senile--and no one cares enough

or has the balls to do anything to help.

>

[Guest guest]

I just don't know what I would do without you guys in my life--the support here

means more than I could ever express. Thank you.

And yes, it feels DAMN GOOD to know that every time my kids need me I can throw

down my own stuff and be there for them. I may take horrible care of myself at

times--but for them I would give everything that I am. No gaslighting, no

excuses or non-apologies.

[Guest guest]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through, Echobabe. I know what it's like,

but can't imagine how even worse it can be with a nada with senility.

I'm so glad, though, that everything worked out ok with your daughter. In a way,

your mother's memory issues that everyone is aware of, can hopefully be a

comfort to your daughter that grandma was just doing what she's been doing--not

remembering right and changing history.

I so know how you feel about being enmeshed all your life and now you're the bad

one, even though you spent all your life trying to make them love you by doing

everything you could except stand on your head! Did I tell you the last time I

was at my mother's house, I noticed she moved me all the way down on her speed

dial? Yup. That's the sign that I am now painted black, and in a way, a sign as

well that I'm doing something right.

I'm so glad you have your hubby for comfort and you have us, too. Do something

nice for yourself today!! You've been through quite a bit.

Fiona

>

> . . . so I dealt well reassuring my daughter that getting pregnant with her

didn't ruin my life. She's all snuggled in at college again feeling loved. I've

been alternating between being angry and wanting to cry. Drafting letters to

fada in my head about how he let my BPD nada run wild for years--now that nada

is going senile he has no precedent set to gain control and get nada the help

she obviously needs. DENIAL is the order of the day.

>

> Nada is seriously getting history wrong, dates, etc. And anyone that

challenges her recollection is treated being shrieked at. Anyone who discounts

her statements (even slightly) is treated like a mortal enemy. Everything that

is told to her gets twisted, embellished and then she tells HER version of

events to others, much to the shock and embarrassment of the original story

teller.

>

> For a few fleeting minutes today I even wondered if I the one mentally ill--it

would be so much easier if this situation was all in my imagination. I had to

call my DH for reassurance.

>

> After being the enmeshed child for most of my adult life, I believed I could

somehow keep some sort of communication with nada as she aged. I've been painted

black for close to 2 years now. It hurts. I would never do anything to hurt my

parents, and yet somehow I am a horrible person despite all the work I did to

try to keep the peace and support her over the years. None of that matters. The

only thing that matters is that I dared to disagree with her.

>

> This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that having a BPD

parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going senile--and no one cares enough

or has the balls to do anything to help.

>

[Guest guest]

Moved on a speed dial? Have you seen that episode of Seinfeld? OMG Fiona,

you will laugh so hard!! Look it up

> **

>

>

> I'm really sorry for what you're going through, Echobabe. I know what it's

> like, but can't imagine how even worse it can be with a nada with senility.

>

> I'm so glad, though, that everything worked out ok with your daughter. In a

> way, your mother's memory issues that everyone is aware of, can hopefully be

> a comfort to your daughter that grandma was just doing what she's been

> doing--not remembering right and changing history.

>

> I so know how you feel about being enmeshed all your life and now you're

> the bad one, even though you spent all your life trying to make them love

> you by doing everything you could except stand on your head! Did I tell you

> the last time I was at my mother's house, I noticed she moved me all the way

> down on her speed dial? Yup. That's the sign that I am now painted black,

> and in a way, a sign as well that I'm doing something right.

>

> I'm so glad you have your hubby for comfort and you have us, too. Do

> something nice for yourself today!! You've been through quite a bit.

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

> >

> > . . . so I dealt well reassuring my daughter that getting pregnant with

> her didn't ruin my life. She's all snuggled in at college again feeling

> loved. I've been alternating between being angry and wanting to cry.

> Drafting letters to fada in my head about how he let my BPD nada run wild

> for years--now that nada is going senile he has no precedent set to gain

> control and get nada the help she obviously needs. DENIAL is the order of

> the day.

> >

> > Nada is seriously getting history wrong, dates, etc. And anyone that

> challenges her recollection is treated being shrieked at. Anyone who

> discounts her statements (even slightly) is treated like a mortal enemy.

> Everything that is told to her gets twisted, embellished and then she tells

> HER version of events to others, much to the shock and embarrassment of the

> original story teller.

> >

> > For a few fleeting minutes today I even wondered if I the one mentally

> ill--it would be so much easier if this situation was all in my imagination.

> I had to call my DH for reassurance.

> >

> > After being the enmeshed child for most of my adult life, I believed I

> could somehow keep some sort of communication with nada as she aged. I've

> been painted black for close to 2 years now. It hurts. I would never do

> anything to hurt my parents, and yet somehow I am a horrible person despite

> all the work I did to try to keep the peace and support her over the years.

> None of that matters. The only thing that matters is that I dared to

> disagree with her.

> >

> > This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that having a

> BPD parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going senile--and no one cares

> enough or has the balls to do anything to help.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that having a BPD

parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going senile--and no one cares enough

or has the balls to do anything to help.

>

I feel so much for you Echo, I too was (and one could say still am) enmeshed

with my nada and she is having mental issues and it is a disaster. You are

right that if no one in the family challenges them successfully earlier on in

life once they start getting mental problems from aging it becomes even harder

to deal with. There are so many websites out there to support children with

aging parents that talk about how extremely hard it is to address a parent's

mental decline and practical matters like problems driving. And that's with

parents who were NOT mentally ill before the senility started. I don't know if

this makes you feel any better but a few times I've " had the balls " (lol) to

confront my nada about some health issues and her reaction was so severe and

obstinate that it is clear to me that it's going to go down one of two ways -

either she's going to have a health crisis which lands her in the hospital and

then to a nursing home for physical reasons OR she'll have to be declared

incompetent with either me or someone from the state as her guardian to force

care on her. Both of these options are pretty awful, but she recognizes no

else's opinion or authority, not mine, not her doctors, not any other family,

nobody. The bar for being declared incompetent is very very high - I really

don't understand why adult children of crazy parents are put in such a no-win

situation.

So my two cents, remember that you are not responsible for all of this, you

didn't create it, and you alone cannot fix it either. And there may be some

unfortunate outcomes but do what you can live with and leave the rest to God or

whatever you believe in.

Eliza

[Guest guest]

O wow. I have no advice but could immagine how horri that would

be.

Steph

My anger, sadness and reactive day

. . . so I dealt well reassuring my daughter that getting

pregnant with her didn't ruin my life. She's all snuggled in at

college again feeling loved. I've been alternating between being

angry and wanting to cry. Drafting letters to fada in my head

about how he let my BPD nada run wild for years--now that nada is

going senile he has no precedent set to gain control and get nada

the help she obviously needs. DENIAL is the order of the day.

Nada is seriously getting history wrong, dates, etc. And anyone

that challenges her recollection is treated being shrieked at.

Anyone who discounts her statements (even slightly) is treated

like a mortal enemy. Everything that is told to her gets

twisted, embellished and then she tells HER version of events to

others, much to the shock and embarrassment of the original story

teller.

For a few fleeting minutes today I even wondered if I the one

mentally ill--it would be so much easier if this situation was

all in my imagination. I had to call my DH for reassurance.

After being the enmeshed child for most of my adult life, I

believed I could somehow keep some sort of communication with

nada as she aged. I've been painted black for close to 2 years

now. It hurts. I would never do anything to hurt my parents,

and yet somehow I am a horrible person despite all the work I did

to try to keep the peace and support her over the years. None of

that matters. The only thing that matters is that I dared to

disagree with her.

This whole situation is just heartbreaking. What is worse that

having a BPD parent? Having a BPD parent who is slowly going

senile--and no one cares enough or has the balls to do anything

to help.

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links