Jealousy Issues

[Guest guest]

I was raised by my nada to believe that results were the only thing that

mattered. If I didn't do well at something it was because I wasn't trying

hard enough or because I didn't let her do it for me. I was constantly

being compared to other people when they accomplished things, being told

" you could do that " or " you're prettier than her. " In high school I wanted

to take a non-honors art class which would have lessened my QPA and reduced

my chances of being valedictorian. I told my mom I didn't care about being

valedictorian but was told, " how would you feel watching your friend Kari

walk across the stage at graduation being valedictorian when you know that

could have been you. " My mom's constant comparison to her (she is more

popular, cares about her looks more, is thinner etc) I think was the main

fuel of my jealousy that ended our friendship.

I did get praise for the things that came naturally to me that my mom valued

like academics (and thus never really felt like an accomplishment), but I

never got praise for effort in the things I struggled at (being organized,

taking responsibility, talking to authority figures), instead my mom would

have to " jump in " to do it herself since I was " incapable " and " couldn't do

it myself " and/or " shouldn't be expected to be able do it myself. " I don't

like tooting my own horn... I don't want other people to think I'm stuck up

or feel bad that they may not be as good at something as I am, probably

because I was made to feel bad myself whenever someone was better at

something than I was. So it killlllllllls me when other people get positive

attention for something that I know I'm just as good at or better. I get

insanely jealous and resentful and feel a really strong desire to tear the

person down. Why should they be able to be arrogant when I'm not allowed to

be? Most recently these feelings have surfaced with a friend who got a

programming job at a gaming company. I would love to work at a game company

doing something and am actually submitting my resume there too (If any of my

other friends apply and get a job there and I don't I'm going to (not

really) murder them because I am just as if not more capable than the other

friends I know may be applying.) It's great that he finally got a job

because he has a family to support and all... but does he really need to

keep posting on facebook telling everyone how awesome his new job is? How

they have all these great perks, fresh baked cookie day, etc. etc. etc. He

has tons of people " liking " his status, happy that their friend has found a

job. I should be happy too. Instead I am insanely jealous wishing I was

getting the attention and a cool new job and everything. I think it comes

down to not feeling fulfilled in my own life. But when my entire life

motivation has been to get praise... nothing is going to make me feel

satisfied.

Anyway, I am writing this to ask if any other people have struggled with

jealousy and found any ways of coping? I would think that KOs would be more

susceptible to jealousy because of the constant devaluing remarks a lot of

us probably received.

-Lars

[Guest guest]

Lars, I have never considered it as jealously, but I suppose you may be right.

I used to feel extreme resentment towards people that accomplished things or

received things I thought I deserved but didn't get. This is a Narcissistic

trait and I had a lot of it before I did therapy (even though I was not NPD).

Now I am pretty relaxed and actually enjoy seeing people accomplish things, even

if I think I could have done it better or think I may have deserved it more.

Have you considered talking to a therapist about these feelings? Therapy has

helped a lot of people on this list.

>

> I was raised by my nada to believe that results were the only thing that

> mattered. If I didn't do well at something it was because I wasn't trying

> hard enough or because I didn't let her do it for me. I was constantly

> being compared to other people when they accomplished things, being told

> " you could do that " or " you're prettier than her. " In high school I wanted

> to take a non-honors art class which would have lessened my QPA and reduced

> my chances of being valedictorian. I told my mom I didn't care about being

> valedictorian but was told, " how would you feel watching your friend Kari

> walk across the stage at graduation being valedictorian when you know that

> could have been you. " My mom's constant comparison to her (she is more

> popular, cares about her looks more, is thinner etc) I think was the main

> fuel of my jealousy that ended our friendship.

>

> I did get praise for the things that came naturally to me that my mom valued

> like academics (and thus never really felt like an accomplishment), but I

> never got praise for effort in the things I struggled at (being organized,

> taking responsibility, talking to authority figures), instead my mom would

> have to " jump in " to do it herself since I was " incapable " and " couldn't do

> it myself " and/or " shouldn't be expected to be able do it myself. " I don't

> like tooting my own horn... I don't want other people to think I'm stuck up

> or feel bad that they may not be as good at something as I am, probably

> because I was made to feel bad myself whenever someone was better at

> something than I was. So it killlllllllls me when other people get positive

> attention for something that I know I'm just as good at or better. I get

> insanely jealous and resentful and feel a really strong desire to tear the

> person down. Why should they be able to be arrogant when I'm not allowed to

> be? Most recently these feelings have surfaced with a friend who got a

> programming job at a gaming company. I would love to work at a game company

> doing something and am actually submitting my resume there too (If any of my

> other friends apply and get a job there and I don't I'm going to (not

> really) murder them because I am just as if not more capable than the other

> friends I know may be applying.) It's great that he finally got a job

> because he has a family to support and all... but does he really need to

> keep posting on facebook telling everyone how awesome his new job is? How

> they have all these great perks, fresh baked cookie day, etc. etc. etc. He

> has tons of people " liking " his status, happy that their friend has found a

> job. I should be happy too. Instead I am insanely jealous wishing I was

> getting the attention and a cool new job and everything. I think it comes

> down to not feeling fulfilled in my own life. But when my entire life

> motivation has been to get praise... nothing is going to make me feel

> satisfied.

>

> Anyway, I am writing this to ask if any other people have struggled with

> jealousy and found any ways of coping? I would think that KOs would be more

> susceptible to jealousy because of the constant devaluing remarks a lot of

> us probably received.

>

> -Lars

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lars, I very much appreciate the honesty of this post. I am a rather jealous

person myself, and never considered it might be connected to my upbringing. Like

you, I was praised primarily for results and not for effort. My mother was very

critical, though I realized as an adult that she's not this way so much to

devalue others as to position herself as an authority on any topic. She does it

to make herself look smart. But as a child, I believed everything she said and

took it at face value, as any child would.

She also devalued things I was naturally good at. If I had a natural ability for

something, it meant I wasn't working hard, even if I devoted hours and hours to

it. Now, I do this to myself.

I am so critical of myself that I don't even know what a normal standard is for

most things, so when I work on something, I only see the flaws, never being sure

how noticeable they are to others.

As a result, I become incredibly jealous when people are praised for things that

I believe I could do just as well or better. At the same time, I don't like to

show off my accomplishments because of how uncomfortable it makes me to receive

attention for them. First, I have trouble believing people's compliments are

genuine. Second, I fear any criticism they may offer.

Other times, I think about how much I've had to go through just to live a normal

life, and feel a twinge when I hear people talk about what they've achieved. I

think, " That's great; bet you couldn't have done it if you'd had to grow up at

my house. Two weeks in that house would break you. " I know this is a completely

irrational and immature thought. But I feel sometimes like we KOs never get any

credit just for being regular old functional adults.

>

>

> >

> > I was raised by my nada to believe that results were the only thing that

> > mattered. If I didn't do well at something it was because I wasn't trying

> > hard enough or because I didn't let her do it for me. I was constantly

> > being compared to other people when they accomplished things, being told

> > " you could do that " or " you're prettier than her. " In high school I wanted

> > to take a non-honors art class which would have lessened my QPA and reduced

> > my chances of being valedictorian. I told my mom I didn't care about being

> > valedictorian but was told, " how would you feel watching your friend Kari

> > walk across the stage at graduation being valedictorian when you know that

> > could have been you. " My mom's constant comparison to her (she is more

> > popular, cares about her looks more, is thinner etc) I think was the main

> > fuel of my jealousy that ended our friendship.

> >

> > I did get praise for the things that came naturally to me that my mom valued

> > like academics (and thus never really felt like an accomplishment), but I

> > never got praise for effort in the things I struggled at (being organized,

> > taking responsibility, talking to authority figures), instead my mom would

> > have to " jump in " to do it herself since I was " incapable " and " couldn't do

> > it myself " and/or " shouldn't be expected to be able do it myself. " I don't

> > like tooting my own horn... I don't want other people to think I'm stuck up

> > or feel bad that they may not be as good at something as I am, probably

> > because I was made to feel bad myself whenever someone was better at

> > something than I was. So it killlllllllls me when other people get positive

> > attention for something that I know I'm just as good at or better. I get

> > insanely jealous and resentful and feel a really strong desire to tear the

> > person down. Why should they be able to be arrogant when I'm not allowed to

> > be? Most recently these feelings have surfaced with a friend who got a

> > programming job at a gaming company. I would love to work at a game company

> > doing something and am actually submitting my resume there too (If any of my

> > other friends apply and get a job there and I don't I'm going to (not

> > really) murder them because I am just as if not more capable than the other

> > friends I know may be applying.) It's great that he finally got a job

> > because he has a family to support and all... but does he really need to

> > keep posting on facebook telling everyone how awesome his new job is? How

> > they have all these great perks, fresh baked cookie day, etc. etc. etc. He

> > has tons of people " liking " his status, happy that their friend has found a

> > job. I should be happy too. Instead I am insanely jealous wishing I was

> > getting the attention and a cool new job and everything. I think it comes

> > down to not feeling fulfilled in my own life. But when my entire life

> > motivation has been to get praise... nothing is going to make me feel

> > satisfied.

> >

> > Anyway, I am writing this to ask if any other people have struggled with

> > jealousy and found any ways of coping? I would think that KOs would be more

> > susceptible to jealousy because of the constant devaluing remarks a lot of

> > us probably received.

> >

> > -Lars

> >

> >

> >