NADA chooses to be low contact?

[Guest guest]

Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past few

years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she will

reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially bothersome

when I have something going on that require back and forth. What could be solved

in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and forth messages. I

should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen tendencies.

I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few " consulting jobs "

here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she has been unenployed, but

has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college (probably the only reason I

don't cut off contact)

I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my money gets

tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I grew up with,

but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or we " play it by ear "

if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home address, only a P.O. Box a

few towns over.

There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do talk

she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and ask

things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband paying

for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship is etc.

She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about hers)

The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her. I turn

to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I need someone

to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her for I can never

get in touch.

Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half convinced she

was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we mutually know who

could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she needed me to sign

something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration of my schedule or what

I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in between classes because she had

brought her gun- she has a permit to carry and does. No guns on campus so I had

to walk way off campus to meet her during my 10 minute break. Obviously not

enough time.) I confronted her about not calling. She said she was busy and sick

and actually was in the hospital and why should I bother her with my problems

since I have my own life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but

brought me to tears as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought

me two gift cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she

acted like everything was fine and nothing had happened.

So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an explanation

for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that I'm a grown up

now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's pulling back from

our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years now since I left for

school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder if it's even worth

graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal with her. I am

completely independent including financially from her with the exception of a

portion of my tuition.

Sigh. It's off to class.

Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

[Guest guest]

My stepmom is the same way. She initiated the " no contact " thing. Every few

months, I would call, and she would answer, but one day, I decided not to call

and see what would happen. For three years, nothing. I did get one email

telling me my dad had surgery the week before, and one when I sent them pictures

of my daughter. Then, my brother lied to me about our dad not doing very well,

so I was able to get a hold of them and found out my dad was fine. After that,

nothing, except an accidental call on my 39th birthday(she was calling someone

else and dialed the wrong number). That's when I finally started therapy and

got the guts to tell my dad and stepmom how I felt about things. Of course, I

found out a lot more after I sent them that letter. That's another story

though.Â

It was as if I didn't fit in with her plans any more, so she kicked me out of

the family. My ex husband's parents treat me more like a daughter than my

dad and stepmom do. It's been hard not having my dad around, but I am slowly

learning to deal with it. It's something that I may never completely " get

over " , but I can learn to deal with my feelings and go on with my life.

JanetÂ

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, September 20, 2011 8:11 AM

Subject: NADA chooses to be low contact?

Â

Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past few

years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she will

reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially bothersome

when I have something going on that require back and forth. What could be solved

in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and forth messages. I

should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen tendencies.

I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few " consulting jobs "

here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she has been unenployed, but

has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college (probably the only reason I

don't cut off contact)

I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my money gets

tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I grew up with,

but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or we " play it by ear "

if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home address, only a P.O. Box a

few towns over.

There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do talk

she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and ask

things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband paying

for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship is etc.

She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about hers)

The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her. I turn

to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I need someone

to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her for I can never

get in touch.

Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half convinced she

was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we mutually know who

could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she needed me to sign

something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration of my schedule or what

I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in between classes because she had

brought her gun- she has a permit to carry and does. No guns on campus so I had

to walk way off campus to meet her during my 10 minute break. Obviously not

enough time.) I confronted her about not calling. She said she was busy and sick

and actually was in the hospital and why should I bother her with my problems

since I have my own life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but

brought me to tears as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought

me two gift cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she

acted like everything

was fine and nothing had happened.

So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an explanation

for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that I'm a grown up

now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's pulling back from

our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years now since I left for

school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder if it's even worth

graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal with her. I am

completely independent including financially from her with the exception of a

portion of my tuition.

Sigh. It's off to class.

Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

[Guest guest]

My fada " dumped " me before i eventually went nc with him. He didnt need me so he

forgot about me.

Sent from my mobile device.

> Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

> My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past few

years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she will

reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially bothersome

when I have something going on that require back and forth. What could be solved

in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and forth messages. I

should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen tendencies.

> I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few " consulting

jobs " here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she has been

unenployed, but has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college (probably

the only reason I don't cut off contact)

> I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my money

gets tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I grew up

with, but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or we " play it

by ear " if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home address, only a

P.O. Box a few towns over.

> There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do talk

she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and ask

things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband paying

for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship is etc.

She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about hers)

> The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her. I

turn to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I need

someone to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her for I

can never get in touch.

> Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half convinced

she was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we mutually know

who could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she needed me to sign

something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration of my schedule or what

I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in between classes because she had

brought her gun- she has a permit to carry and does. No guns on campus so I had

to walk way off campus to meet her during my 10 minute break. Obviously not

enough time.) I confronted her about not calling. She said she was busy and sick

and actually was in the hospital and why should I bother her with my problems

since I have my own life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but

brought me to tears as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought

me two gift cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she

acted like everything was fine and nothing had happened.

> So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an

explanation for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that I'm a

grown up now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's pulling

back from our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years now since I

left for school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder if it's even

worth graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal with her. I am

completely independent including financially from her with the exception of a

portion of my tuition.

> Sigh. It's off to class.

> Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

>

>

[Guest guest]

My fada disowned me and talked through my mom for a while (aka, flying

monkey.) When it was obvious I was still being mean to my father by not

apologizing for all the hurt I've done to him (which he never specified. I

think it was because I became independent, stopped buying his bullshit and

started thinking for myself, and moved out). mom kept trying to get me to

contact fada after he disowned me, but I refused to.

When I told mom to stop guilt-tripping me and laid down some boundaries,

she said something to the effect of, " Okay, I won't email you anymore unless

you email me. "

So I guess they started NC, and I maintained it. They only contacted me a

couple of times to a) tell me to stop sending Christmas and birthday cards

to my siblings, and to drop off my baby photo albums at my work.

NC suits me fine, except for the pain of not being able to see my little

siblings grow up.

> **

>

>

> My fada " dumped " me before i eventually went nc with him. He didnt need me

> so he forgot about me.

>

> Sent from my mobile device.

>

>

>

> > Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

> > My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past

> few years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she

> will reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially

> bothersome when I have something going on that require back and forth. What

> could be solved in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and

> forth messages. I should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen

> tendencies.

> > I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few

> " consulting jobs " here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she

> has been unenployed, but has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college

> (probably the only reason I don't cut off contact)

> > I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my

> money gets tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I

> grew up with, but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or

> we " play it by ear " if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home

> address, only a P.O. Box a few towns over.

> > There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do

> talk she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and

> ask things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband

> paying for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship

> is etc. She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about

> hers)

> > The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her.

> I turn to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I

> need someone to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her

> for I can never get in touch.

> > Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half

> convinced she was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we

> mutually know who could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she

> needed me to sign something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration

> of my schedule or what I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in

> between classes because she had brought her gun- she has a permit to carry

> and does. No guns on campus so I had to walk way off campus to meet her

> during my 10 minute break. Obviously not enough time.) I confronted her

> about not calling. She said she was busy and sick and actually was in the

> hospital and why should I bother her with my problems since I have my own

> life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but brought me to tears

> as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought me two gift

> cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she acted like

> everything was fine and nothing had happened.

> > So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an

> explanation for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that

> I'm a grown up now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's

> pulling back from our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years

> now since I left for school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder

> if it's even worth graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal

> with her. I am completely independent including financially from her with

> the exception of a portion of my tuition.

> > Sigh. It's off to class.

> > Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I initiated NC, but my nada has done next to nothing to reach out to me.

I choose to look at it as " I was no longer a sufficient source of

narcissistic supply for her, " so she moved on to an easier target. And there

are a LOT of easier targets out there on whom she can feed.

On Tue, Sep 20, 2011 at 11:22 AM, Holly Lipschultz <

hollymichellebyers@...> wrote:

> My fada disowned me and talked through my mom for a while (aka, flying

> monkey.) When it was obvious I was still being mean to my father by not

> apologizing for all the hurt I've done to him (which he never specified. I

> think it was because I became independent, stopped buying his bullshit and

> started thinking for myself, and moved out). mom kept trying to get me to

> contact fada after he disowned me, but I refused to.

>

> When I told mom to stop guilt-tripping me and laid down some boundaries,

> she said something to the effect of, " Okay, I won't email you anymore

> unless

> you email me. "

>

> So I guess they started NC, and I maintained it. They only contacted me a

> couple of times to a) tell me to stop sending Christmas and birthday cards

> to my siblings, and to drop off my baby photo albums at my work.

>

> NC suits me fine, except for the pain of not being able to see my little

> siblings grow up.

>

>

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > My fada " dumped " me before i eventually went nc with him. He didnt need

> me

> > so he forgot about me.

> >

> > Sent from my mobile device.

> >

> >

> >

> > > Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

> > > My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The

> past

> > few years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail,

> she

> > will reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially

> > bothersome when I have something going on that require back and forth.

> What

> > could be solved in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back

> and

> > forth messages. I should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen

> > tendencies.

> > > I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few

> > " consulting jobs " here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she

> > has been unenployed, but has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for

> college

> > (probably the only reason I don't cut off contact)

> > > I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my

> > money gets tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats

> who I

> > grew up with, but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out

> or

> > we " play it by ear " if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home

> > address, only a P.O. Box a few towns over.

> > > There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we

> do

> > talk she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out

> and

> > ask things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced

> husband

> > paying for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my

> relationship

> > is etc. She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about

> > hers)

> > > The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need

> her.

> > I turn to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I

> > need someone to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to

> her

> > for I can never get in touch.

> > > Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half

> > convinced she was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people

> we

> > mutually know who could inform me. When she finally showed up (because

> she

> > needed me to sign something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no

> consideration

> > of my schedule or what I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in

> > between classes because she had brought her gun- she has a permit to

> carry

> > and does. No guns on campus so I had to walk way off campus to meet her

> > during my 10 minute break. Obviously not enough time.) I confronted her

> > about not calling. She said she was busy and sick and actually was in the

> > hospital and why should I bother her with my problems since I have my own

> > life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but brought me to

> tears

> > as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought me two gift

> > cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she acted

> like

> > everything was fine and nothing had happened.

> > > So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an

> > explanation for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt

> that

> > I'm a grown up now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so

> she's

> > pulling back from our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years

> > now since I left for school so I dont know if it's something more. I

> wonder

> > if it's even worth graduating this May with less debt just to have to

> deal

> > with her. I am completely independent including financially from her with

> > the exception of a portion of my tuition.

> > > Sigh. It's off to class.

> > > Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Wow holly; that is a whole new level of abandonment. My way or the highway I

presume. You did not deserve that and it makes me angry that they did that to

you. Someone just needs to slap then or something.

I can joke, but the pain that abandonment creates is no joke. I was abandoned

by my nada's entire side of the family, because nada spun them to think I didn't

love them. Basically, I just don't want to have to constantly compete for their

trust, against the spin master. So I just let them go and let the spin master

have them all to herself. I think it hurts, but I am too numb to feel it.

What makes it even weirder is that my daughter is still a part of their lives

without me. My daughter goes to visit them; no one calls while she is with

them. I just meet nada somewhere that is prearranged when it is time for her to

come home. Isn't that weird? My daughter has been with them for up to 5 days

straight, with no contact between me and my daughter. It's like they want to

pretend I do not exist. My daughter enjoys her time with her grandma and there

have never been any issues, so I just let it happen without me.

It must be weird for my daughter, because I have never acknowledged the status

of my relationship between her grandma and me. As far as I know, my daughter is

clueless as to this weird dynamic, unless grandma explained it to her (which is

likely I guess).

Life goes on. My mother is nada.

> >

> > > Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

> > > My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past

> > few years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she

> > will reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially

> > bothersome when I have something going on that require back and forth. What

> > could be solved in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and

> > forth messages. I should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen

> > tendencies.

> > > I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few

> > " consulting jobs " here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she

> > has been unenployed, but has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college

> > (probably the only reason I don't cut off contact)

> > > I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my

> > money gets tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I

> > grew up with, but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or

> > we " play it by ear " if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home

> > address, only a P.O. Box a few towns over.

> > > There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do

> > talk she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and

> > ask things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband

> > paying for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship

> > is etc. She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about

> > hers)

> > > The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her.

> > I turn to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I

> > need someone to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her

> > for I can never get in touch.

> > > Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half

> > convinced she was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we

> > mutually know who could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she

> > needed me to sign something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration

> > of my schedule or what I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in

> > between classes because she had brought her gun- she has a permit to carry

> > and does. No guns on campus so I had to walk way off campus to meet her

> > during my 10 minute break. Obviously not enough time.) I confronted her

> > about not calling. She said she was busy and sick and actually was in the

> > hospital and why should I bother her with my problems since I have my own

> > life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but brought me to tears

> > as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought me two gift

> > cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she acted like

> > everything was fine and nothing had happened.

> > > So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an

> > explanation for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that

> > I'm a grown up now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's

> > pulling back from our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years

> > now since I left for school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder

> > if it's even worth graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal

> > with her. I am completely independent including financially from her with

> > the exception of a portion of my tuition.

> > > Sigh. It's off to class.

> > > Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My nada has gone lc with me--this is punishment for my rejecting her,

disagreeing with her.

Your nada's aloofness though reminds me of my grand-nada She was very

independent and a big time narcissist. She never wanted to bother with people

unless she needed something from them. My mother was always chasing her down,

trying to involve my grandmother in her life, and grandma remained aloof,

impatient about being contacted and always rejecting.

I am sorry your nada is this way. Do yourself a favor, structure your life in a

way that is fulfilling and does not allow you to fret after your mother. She is

the way she is, and it really has nothing to do with you as a person. She will

never give you the feedback you need, so put your hope and energy elsewhere.

Sorry <<hugs>>.

>

> Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

> My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past few

years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she will

reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially bothersome

when I have something going on that require back and forth. What could be solved

in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and forth messages. I

should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen tendencies.

> I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few " consulting

jobs " here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she has been

unenployed, but has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college (probably

the only reason I don't cut off contact)

> I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my money

gets tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I grew up

with, but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or we " play it

by ear " if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home address, only a

P.O. Box a few towns over.

> There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do talk

she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and ask

things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband paying

for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship is etc.

She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about hers)

> The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her. I

turn to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I need

someone to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her for I

can never get in touch.

> Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half convinced

she was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we mutually know

who could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she needed me to sign

something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration of my schedule or what

I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in between classes because she had

brought her gun- she has a permit to carry and does. No guns on campus so I had

to walk way off campus to meet her during my 10 minute break. Obviously not

enough time.) I confronted her about not calling. She said she was busy and sick

and actually was in the hospital and why should I bother her with my problems

since I have my own life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but

brought me to tears as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought

me two gift cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she

acted like everything was fine and nothing had happened.

> So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an

explanation for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that I'm a

grown up now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's pulling

back from our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years now since I

left for school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder if it's even

worth graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal with her. I am

completely independent including financially from her with the exception of a

portion of my tuition.

> Sigh. It's off to class.

> Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

>

[Guest guest]

Reading this thread including all the replies, I think of my own Nada and what's

been going on with her. She primarily manifests Avoidant Personality Disorder

primarily, with BDP traits secondarily. When I initiated LC this summer and

laid down my boundaries, she stepped back much to my surprise. No calls, no

email for weeks. It sounds like this behaviour of a Nada/Fada initiating NC may

be indicitive of also having Avoidant Personality Disorder in addition to BPD.

Personality Disorders carriers often come in more than one variety or flavour.

Shutting people out is easier for them (Avoidants) to deal with people and

relationships (by not dealing with them). BPs tend to be more in your face with

their behaviour, drama and antics.

>

> Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

> My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past few

years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she will

reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially bothersome

when I have something going on that require back and forth. What could be solved

in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and forth messages. I

should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen tendencies.

> I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few " consulting

jobs " here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she has been

unenployed, but has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college (probably

the only reason I don't cut off contact)

> I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my money

gets tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I grew up

with, but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or we " play it

by ear " if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home address, only a

P.O. Box a few towns over.

> There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do talk

she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and ask

things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband paying

for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship is etc.

She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about hers)

> The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her. I

turn to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I need

someone to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her for I

can never get in touch.

> Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half convinced

she was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we mutually know

who could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she needed me to sign

something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration of my schedule or what

I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in between classes because she had

brought her gun- she has a permit to carry and does. No guns on campus so I had

to walk way off campus to meet her during my 10 minute break. Obviously not

enough time.) I confronted her about not calling. She said she was busy and sick

and actually was in the hospital and why should I bother her with my problems

since I have my own life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but

brought me to tears as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought

me two gift cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she

acted like everything was fine and nothing had happened.

> So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an

explanation for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that I'm a

grown up now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's pulling

back from our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years now since I

left for school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder if it's even

worth graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal with her. I am

completely independent including financially from her with the exception of a

portion of my tuition.

> Sigh. It's off to class.

> Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

>

[Guest guest]

neverman, BPs can also get very confused, especially when it comes to

boundaries. Boundaries are very uncomfortable for the BP for a variety of

reasons. My nada interpreted my boundaries as me being passive aggressive. My

nada thinks that any non-compliance from any male is an act of passive

aggression, so she withdrawals in order to protect herself from something she

considers to be " unsafe. " I think it also represents abandonment to my nada,

because it is a pulling away on the part of the person setting the boundaries.

Other BPs withdrawal for different reasons when faced with firm and healthy

boundaries. Boundaries mean different things to different BPs. The age of the

BP makes a difference. Research points out that younger BPs tend to be more

desperate and clingy while Some BPs (likely older and wiser) would rather reject

before they can be rejected. Its too bad, because if they stuck around long

enough they would probably get used to the boundaries. However, past experience

has shown older BPs that they tend to get rejected (because of their desperate

attempts to avoid abandonment). This is definitely the case with my nada; she

was an aggressive witch when she was younger, but became a waif after the

divorce (after being married for 15 years).

My nada never wanted a divorce; she filed in order to get my dad to realize his

wrong. However, after she filled, many members of our church came forward and

disclosed a lot of her dirty laundry to my dad and the pastor. The divorce plan

really bit her in the butt hard. She was almost kicked out of the church and

almost got booted from the the entire church denomination, because of things

that she did while being a leader of that church.

So it is understandable that my nada goes to extremes to avoid rejection and

embarrassment. The divorce was a major narcissistic injury to nadas already

fragile ego.

> >

> > Has anyone dealt with a nada who has become low contact on her own?

> > My mother won't pick up my calls or return them 90% of the time. The past

few years she has done the trick where if I call and leave a voicemail, she will

reply with a voicemail so my phone does not ring. This is especially bothersome

when I have something going on that require back and forth. What could be solved

in 10 minutes on the phone takes hours or days of back and forth messages. I

should mention she is a textbook hermit with queen tendencies.

> > I have no idea what she does for work. She's alluding to a few " consulting

jobs " here and there but the majority of the past 4 years she has been

unenployed, but has 2 cars, and is still helping me pay for college (probably

the only reason I don't cut off contact)

> > I have never been to her house. She invites me to live there when my money

gets tight and says I should come see our aging 20 year old cats who I grew up

with, but whenever I actually try to come by it never works out or we " play it

by ear " if she isn't feeling well. I don't even have her home address, only a

P.O. Box a few towns over.

> > There is so much mystery I really have no clue who my mom is. When we do

talk she gets what I consider somewhat nosy and prying and will come out and ask

things I dont feel comfortable talking about- like her divorced husband paying

for my school/money he owes her, how my boyfriend and my relationship is etc.

She knows about my life (what I tell her but I know NOTHING about hers)

> > The aggravating part is that she never returns my calls when I need her. I

turn to my friends and other people when things get bad/go wrong and I need

someone to turn to. But whenever there is something I HAVE to go to her for I

can never get in touch.

> > Back in February she didnt reach out to me in a month. I was half convinced

she was dead or in a hospital as we have no other local people we mutually know

who could inform me. When she finally showed up (because she needed me to sign

something THAT DAY for our taxes- again no consideration of my schedule or what

I had going on, I had to walk 8 blocks to her in between classes because she had

brought her gun- she has a permit to carry and does. No guns on campus so I had

to walk way off campus to meet her during my 10 minute break. Obviously not

enough time.) I confronted her about not calling. She said she was busy and sick

and actually was in the hospital and why should I bother her with my problems

since I have my own life? Plus a bunch of other things I can't remember but

brought me to tears as hard as I tried not to cry. At the same time she brought

me two gift cards to go shopping with.Go figure. The next time we talked she

acted like everything was fine and nothing had happened.

> > So has anyone else dealt with an aloof mother? I don't even have an

explanation for this kind of behavior. I dont know if she's just hurt that I'm a

grown up now and can't take her shit and every demand anymore so she's pulling

back from our relationship? It's been going on for almost 4 years now since I

left for school so I dont know if it's something more. I wonder if it's even

worth graduating this May with less debt just to have to deal with her. I am

completely independent including financially from her with the exception of a

portion of my tuition.

> > Sigh. It's off to class.

> > Hugs all around. Thanks as always.

> >

>