Guest guest Posted September 19, 2011 Report Share Posted September 19, 2011 My BPD mother has been seeing a therapist. I spoke to the therapist on my own a couple years ago because I was concerned that she was duping her therapists and doctors into believing she suffered only from depression (and they were changing her meds constantly to " help " but the meds - or constant changing of them - kept landing her in the hospital, etc) whereas I believed the depression to be a side-effect of something else. The therapist was great - we talked for a while and she totally knew my mother had BPD and had a cognitive-therapy plan etc. Flash forward to present time - my mother has requested I come with her to a joint session. I said okay whatever. But now I am realizing Im not sure that I want to go. Background info: I am the only child of a single BPD mother; after 30-some-odd years of dealing with her I have no love left in me for her, not an ounce - I simply feel sorry for her (as I would any human being with a difficult life) so I do what I can to remain in contact with her at least once a week while setting strict boundaries and trying hard to not let her craziness infect my life; she also has a history of becoming very enmeshed in my life - over the last couple years, I keep her at arms length for that reason, I tell her NOTHING about my life and I change the subject sneakily whenever she asks (she complains about this but I could care less - I have learned on too many occasions that she cannot know anything about me or it comes back to bite me). So I could use advice. Do I go? On the one hand, I have no desire to " fix " any problems in our relationship - to be honest, my general goal with her is to get her to just leave me alone while not being too mean. I don't want to be any more involved in her life than I have to and I dont want her anymore involved in my life. On the other hand, the therapist does know her BPD problems and her enmeshment with me and if she thinks its good, then maybe its good? I am also curious to talk to the therapist though as I really dont think my mother knows she has BPD still (when I spoke to the therapist a couple years ago she told me that it had to be brought up very slowly to avoid backlash and my mother just leaving and finding another therapist who will tell her what she wants to hear - that she is really just a victim, its some sort of chemical imbalance and she has no control over her actions, etc etc). As much as I want my mother to just leave me alone and I could care less about working on our relationship, and as much as I try to not let her effect my life (which I have gotten pretty good at with a lot of work), she does stress me out quite often nonetheless so maybe the joint session will help with that? I guess I just have no desire to fuel my mother's disillusion that we have some sort of lovely relationship that, once we work out a few kinks, will have us in some sort of fairy tale, holding hands and drinking tea and laughing over inside jokes . . . ughh gag me. What do you guys think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 Is the meeting with nada AND therapist or just you and the therapist? > ** > > > My BPD mother has been seeing a therapist. I spoke to the therapist on my > own a couple years ago because I was concerned that she was duping her > therapists and doctors into believing she suffered only from depression (and > they were changing her meds constantly to " help " but the meds - or constant > changing of them - kept landing her in the hospital, etc) whereas I believed > the depression to be a side-effect of something else. The therapist was > great - we talked for a while and she totally knew my mother had BPD and had > a cognitive-therapy plan etc. Flash forward to present time - my mother has > requested I come with her to a joint session. I said okay whatever. But now > I am realizing Im not sure that I want to go. > > Background info: I am the only child of a single BPD mother; after > 30-some-odd years of dealing with her I have no love left in me for her, not > an ounce - I simply feel sorry for her (as I would any human being with a > difficult life) so I do what I can to remain in contact with her at least > once a week while setting strict boundaries and trying hard to not let her > craziness infect my life; she also has a history of becoming very enmeshed > in my life - over the last couple years, I keep her at arms length for that > reason, I tell her NOTHING about my life and I change the subject sneakily > whenever she asks (she complains about this but I could care less - I have > learned on too many occasions that she cannot know anything about me or it > comes back to bite me). > > So I could use advice. Do I go? On the one hand, I have no desire to " fix " > any problems in our relationship - to be honest, my general goal with her is > to get her to just leave me alone while not being too mean. I don't want to > be any more involved in her life than I have to and I dont want her anymore > involved in my life. > > On the other hand, the therapist does know her BPD problems and her > enmeshment with me and if she thinks its good, then maybe its good? I am > also curious to talk to the therapist though as I really dont think my > mother knows she has BPD still (when I spoke to the therapist a couple years > ago she told me that it had to be brought up very slowly to avoid backlash > and my mother just leaving and finding another therapist who will tell her > what she wants to hear - that she is really just a victim, its some sort of > chemical imbalance and she has no control over her actions, etc etc). As > much as I want my mother to just leave me alone and I could care less about > working on our relationship, and as much as I try to not let her effect my > life (which I have gotten pretty good at with a lot of work), she does > stress me out quite often nonetheless so maybe the joint session will help > with that? > > I guess I just have no desire to fuel my mother's disillusion that we have > some sort of lovely relationship that, once we work out a few kinks, will > have us in some sort of fairy tale, holding hands and drinking tea and > laughing over inside jokes . . . ughh gag me. > > What do you guys think? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 Hi A_F, All I can do is share my own experience with this issue. My bpd mother ( " nada " ) said she wanted me to attend a joint therapy session with her and her therapist, and I didn't really want to but I complied. It had to be a long distance tele-conference, as I live on the opposite side of the country as my nada. Although this therapist is good (my Sister found him, he has personal knowledge about bpd and he helped my Sister a great deal over a two year period) and even though my Sister had attended a joint therapy session with this therapist and our bpd mom that she said went OK, my session with him and my nada by phone was kind of pointless, in my opinion. I could hear nada sobbing in a subdued, Waifish way in the background the whole time, and instead of getting us to interact with each other he pretty much just talked, himself, for 50 minutes. The gist of his monologue was that we should both just try to get along better. (!?!) (palm to forehead slap, here.) Maybe my expectations were too high, having heard such good things about this therapist from Sister, and maybe its just that a teleconference with someone you've never met isn't a good way to do therapy, but my experience with having a joint psychotherapy session with my nada was less than satisfying or productive, in my opinion. And a negative side-effect was that it did create an expectation in my nada that we would start having contact again, which is something I did not want to happen. -Annie > > My BPD mother has been seeing a therapist. I spoke to the therapist on my own a couple years ago because I was concerned that she was duping her therapists and doctors into believing she suffered only from depression (and they were changing her meds constantly to " help " but the meds - or constant changing of them - kept landing her in the hospital, etc) whereas I believed the depression to be a side-effect of something else. The therapist was great - we talked for a while and she totally knew my mother had BPD and had a cognitive-therapy plan etc. Flash forward to present time - my mother has requested I come with her to a joint session. I said okay whatever. But now I am realizing Im not sure that I want to go. > > Background info: I am the only child of a single BPD mother; after 30-some-odd years of dealing with her I have no love left in me for her, not an ounce - I simply feel sorry for her (as I would any human being with a difficult life) so I do what I can to remain in contact with her at least once a week while setting strict boundaries and trying hard to not let her craziness infect my life; she also has a history of becoming very enmeshed in my life - over the last couple years, I keep her at arms length for that reason, I tell her NOTHING about my life and I change the subject sneakily whenever she asks (she complains about this but I could care less - I have learned on too many occasions that she cannot know anything about me or it comes back to bite me). > > So I could use advice. Do I go? On the one hand, I have no desire to " fix " any problems in our relationship - to be honest, my general goal with her is to get her to just leave me alone while not being too mean. I don't want to be any more involved in her life than I have to and I dont want her anymore involved in my life. > > On the other hand, the therapist does know her BPD problems and her enmeshment with me and if she thinks its good, then maybe its good? I am also curious to talk to the therapist though as I really dont think my mother knows she has BPD still (when I spoke to the therapist a couple years ago she told me that it had to be brought up very slowly to avoid backlash and my mother just leaving and finding another therapist who will tell her what she wants to hear - that she is really just a victim, its some sort of chemical imbalance and she has no control over her actions, etc etc). As much as I want my mother to just leave me alone and I could care less about working on our relationship, and as much as I try to not let her effect my life (which I have gotten pretty good at with a lot of work), she does stress me out quite often nonetheless so maybe the joint session will help with that? > > I guess I just have no desire to fuel my mother's disillusion that we have some sort of lovely relationship that, once we work out a few kinks, will have us in some sort of fairy tale, holding hands and drinking tea and laughing over inside jokes . . . ughh gag me. > > What do you guys think? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 A_Fancher, I totally get that you are totally and completely done with your nada. I agree that you owe nada nothing. The only reason to go to this thing is if " you " are going to benefit somehow. So what could you possibly benefit from this experience? It may actually be beneficial for you to go, because it could be an opportunity for you to be real with your mom, possible for the first time. Think of it, you can yell at her and tell her all things that you have been too afraid to tell her. This would be a safe place to do what has never been possible until now. You will be safe and your nada will be safe and you will be able to let it all out. The reason why nada's therapist is inviting you to nada's sessions is because she thinks nada is ready to hear what you have to say. The question is, are you ready? You may want to have a therapist of your own, because this may bring up some intense feelings. I would encourage you to be open to this opportunity. However, I am not saying you should do it. This is your decision. You know your needs better than anyone. But please tell us what happens. Good luck. > > My BPD mother has been seeing a therapist. I spoke to the therapist on my own a couple years ago because I was concerned that she was duping her therapists and doctors into believing she suffered only from depression (and they were changing her meds constantly to " help " but the meds - or constant changing of them - kept landing her in the hospital, etc) whereas I believed the depression to be a side-effect of something else. The therapist was great - we talked for a while and she totally knew my mother had BPD and had a cognitive-therapy plan etc. Flash forward to present time - my mother has requested I come with her to a joint session. I said okay whatever. But now I am realizing Im not sure that I want to go. > > Background info: I am the only child of a single BPD mother; after 30-some-odd years of dealing with her I have no love left in me for her, not an ounce - I simply feel sorry for her (as I would any human being with a difficult life) so I do what I can to remain in contact with her at least once a week while setting strict boundaries and trying hard to not let her craziness infect my life; she also has a history of becoming very enmeshed in my life - over the last couple years, I keep her at arms length for that reason, I tell her NOTHING about my life and I change the subject sneakily whenever she asks (she complains about this but I could care less - I have learned on too many occasions that she cannot know anything about me or it comes back to bite me). > > So I could use advice. Do I go? On the one hand, I have no desire to " fix " any problems in our relationship - to be honest, my general goal with her is to get her to just leave me alone while not being too mean. I don't want to be any more involved in her life than I have to and I dont want her anymore involved in my life. > > On the other hand, the therapist does know her BPD problems and her enmeshment with me and if she thinks its good, then maybe its good? I am also curious to talk to the therapist though as I really dont think my mother knows she has BPD still (when I spoke to the therapist a couple years ago she told me that it had to be brought up very slowly to avoid backlash and my mother just leaving and finding another therapist who will tell her what she wants to hear - that she is really just a victim, its some sort of chemical imbalance and she has no control over her actions, etc etc). As much as I want my mother to just leave me alone and I could care less about working on our relationship, and as much as I try to not let her effect my life (which I have gotten pretty good at with a lot of work), she does stress me out quite often nonetheless so maybe the joint session will help with that? > > I guess I just have no desire to fuel my mother's disillusion that we have some sort of lovely relationship that, once we work out a few kinks, will have us in some sort of fairy tale, holding hands and drinking tea and laughing over inside jokes . . . ughh gag me. > > What do you guys think? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2011 Report Share Posted September 20, 2011 Personally, joint sessions with a therapist who understands borderline traps and how to avoid them helped the relationship between me and my nada a *lot*. The therapist would help reframe things we were saying so that we both felt validated and helped me set boundaries. Acted as a mediator so that we could discuss issues that were known triggers and she could tell her to please stop yelling whereas hearing that from her child would have only fueled the fire. She also helped question my nada's black and white thinking and it was great to have a written record of conversations when my nada would forget that things were said. The biggest thing I got out of it was I learned a lot of the techniques my therapist uses to manage my nada. It's so transparent I am always shocked how well it works... Stating things like " it seems like this is very difficult for you " or " I see that you are angry " makes my nada feel validated without actually agreeing with anything she is saying. We did do family therapy with other therapists than my current one and those sessions were disastrous, but I don't think those people knew or understood about bpd- it sounds like your mom's does. My situation is a little different in the fact that I do still want to have a relationship with my nada if only to make visiting the rest of my family less painful. I suppose you could always try and leave mid session if it is a total disaster. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Lars > ** > > > My BPD mother has been seeing a therapist. I spoke to the therapist on my > own a couple years ago because I was concerned that she was duping her > therapists and doctors into believing she suffered only from depression (and > they were changing her meds constantly to " help " but the meds - or constant > changing of them - kept landing her in the hospital, etc) whereas I believed > the depression to be a side-effect of something else. The therapist was > great - we talked for a while and she totally knew my mother had BPD and had > a cognitive-therapy plan etc. Flash forward to present time - my mother has > requested I come with her to a joint session. I said okay whatever. But now > I am realizing Im not sure that I want to go. > > Background info: I am the only child of a single BPD mother; after > 30-some-odd years of dealing with her I have no love left in me for her, not > an ounce - I simply feel sorry for her (as I would any human being with a > difficult life) so I do what I can to remain in contact with her at least > once a week while setting strict boundaries and trying hard to not let her > craziness infect my life; she also has a history of becoming very enmeshed > in my life - over the last couple years, I keep her at arms length for that > reason, I tell her NOTHING about my life and I change the subject sneakily > whenever she asks (she complains about this but I could care less - I have > learned on too many occasions that she cannot know anything about me or it > comes back to bite me). > > So I could use advice. Do I go? On the one hand, I have no desire to " fix " > any problems in our relationship - to be honest, my general goal with her is > to get her to just leave me alone while not being too mean. I don't want to > be any more involved in her life than I have to and I dont want her anymore > involved in my life. > > On the other hand, the therapist does know her BPD problems and her > enmeshment with me and if she thinks its good, then maybe its good? I am > also curious to talk to the therapist though as I really dont think my > mother knows she has BPD still (when I spoke to the therapist a couple years > ago she told me that it had to be brought up very slowly to avoid backlash > and my mother just leaving and finding another therapist who will tell her > what she wants to hear - that she is really just a victim, its some sort of > chemical imbalance and she has no control over her actions, etc etc). As > much as I want my mother to just leave me alone and I could care less about > working on our relationship, and as much as I try to not let her effect my > life (which I have gotten pretty good at with a lot of work), she does > stress me out quite often nonetheless so maybe the joint session will help > with that? > > I guess I just have no desire to fuel my mother's disillusion that we have > some sort of lovely relationship that, once we work out a few kinks, will > have us in some sort of fairy tale, holding hands and drinking tea and > laughing over inside jokes . . . ughh gag me. > > What do you guys think? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 It is a joint session. Thank you all for the input. I have a bit to think about. I think I may go and then, as you said, I can always leave if I feel I need to. > > > ** > > > > > > My BPD mother has been seeing a therapist. I spoke to the therapist on my > > own a couple years ago because I was concerned that she was duping her > > therapists and doctors into believing she suffered only from depression (and > > they were changing her meds constantly to " help " but the meds - or constant > > changing of them - kept landing her in the hospital, etc) whereas I believed > > the depression to be a side-effect of something else. The therapist was > > great - we talked for a while and she totally knew my mother had BPD and had > > a cognitive-therapy plan etc. Flash forward to present time - my mother has > > requested I come with her to a joint session. I said okay whatever. But now > > I am realizing Im not sure that I want to go. > > > > Background info: I am the only child of a single BPD mother; after > > 30-some-odd years of dealing with her I have no love left in me for her, not > > an ounce - I simply feel sorry for her (as I would any human being with a > > difficult life) so I do what I can to remain in contact with her at least > > once a week while setting strict boundaries and trying hard to not let her > > craziness infect my life; she also has a history of becoming very enmeshed > > in my life - over the last couple years, I keep her at arms length for that > > reason, I tell her NOTHING about my life and I change the subject sneakily > > whenever she asks (she complains about this but I could care less - I have > > learned on too many occasions that she cannot know anything about me or it > > comes back to bite me). > > > > So I could use advice. Do I go? On the one hand, I have no desire to " fix " > > any problems in our relationship - to be honest, my general goal with her is > > to get her to just leave me alone while not being too mean. I don't want to > > be any more involved in her life than I have to and I dont want her anymore > > involved in my life. > > > > On the other hand, the therapist does know her BPD problems and her > > enmeshment with me and if she thinks its good, then maybe its good? I am > > also curious to talk to the therapist though as I really dont think my > > mother knows she has BPD still (when I spoke to the therapist a couple years > > ago she told me that it had to be brought up very slowly to avoid backlash > > and my mother just leaving and finding another therapist who will tell her > > what she wants to hear - that she is really just a victim, its some sort of > > chemical imbalance and she has no control over her actions, etc etc). As > > much as I want my mother to just leave me alone and I could care less about > > working on our relationship, and as much as I try to not let her effect my > > life (which I have gotten pretty good at with a lot of work), she does > > stress me out quite often nonetheless so maybe the joint session will help > > with that? > > > > I guess I just have no desire to fuel my mother's disillusion that we have > > some sort of lovely relationship that, once we work out a few kinks, will > > have us in some sort of fairy tale, holding hands and drinking tea and > > laughing over inside jokes . . . ughh gag me. > > > > What do you guys think? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Hello! I have been thinking about your post all day and imagining what I would do in your situation. Has your mom conveyed a sense of " ownership " in your relations with her lately? Then, perhaps, it might be worth pursuing. But the most mitigating factor of all is the therapist's presence. If mom is really acknowledging her pain and and is starting to have a clue how damaging she has been to you, opportunity for growth is in walking that walk, not merely in 45 minute spurts while holding someone's hand. I would be wary of dramatic revelations and the love fest you fear as well as it isn't her therapist suggesting the joint session but her. Maybe a couple of sessions with her therapist solo, with her awareness, might shed some light on things in safety? That's even if you feel like going there. Our health is so hard fought for and we need setbacks like we need extra holes in our heads! Good luck with your choice, it is in ~your~ time, not hers. Amy > > > > My BPD mother has been seeing a therapist. I spoke to the therapist on my own a couple years ago because I was concerned that she was duping her therapists and doctors into believing she suffered only from depression (and they were changing her meds constantly to " help " but the meds - or constant changing of them - kept landing her in the hospital, etc) whereas I believed the depression to be a side-effect of something else. The therapist was great - we talked for a while and she totally knew my mother had BPD and had a cognitive-therapy plan etc. Flash forward to present time - my mother has requested I come with her to a joint session. I said okay whatever. But now I am realizing Im not sure that I want to go. > > > > Background info: I am the only child of a single BPD mother; after 30-some-odd years of dealing with her I have no love left in me for her, not an ounce - I simply feel sorry for her (as I would any human being with a difficult life) so I do what I can to remain in contact with her at least once a week while setting strict boundaries and trying hard to not let her craziness infect my life; she also has a history of becoming very enmeshed in my life - over the last couple years, I keep her at arms length for that reason, I tell her NOTHING about my life and I change the subject sneakily whenever she asks (she complains about this but I could care less - I have learned on too many occasions that she cannot know anything about me or it comes back to bite me). > > > > So I could use advice. Do I go? On the one hand, I have no desire to " fix " any problems in our relationship - to be honest, my general goal with her is to get her to just leave me alone while not being too mean. I don't want to be any more involved in her life than I have to and I dont want her anymore involved in my life. > > > > On the other hand, the therapist does know her BPD problems and her enmeshment with me and if she thinks its good, then maybe its good? I am also curious to talk to the therapist though as I really dont think my mother knows she has BPD still (when I spoke to the therapist a couple years ago she told me that it had to be brought up very slowly to avoid backlash and my mother just leaving and finding another therapist who will tell her what she wants to hear - that she is really just a victim, its some sort of chemical imbalance and she has no control over her actions, etc etc). As much as I want my mother to just leave me alone and I could care less about working on our relationship, and as much as I try to not let her effect my life (which I have gotten pretty good at with a lot of work), she does stress me out quite often nonetheless so maybe the joint session will help with that? > > > > I guess I just have no desire to fuel my mother's disillusion that we have some sort of lovely relationship that, once we work out a few kinks, will have us in some sort of fairy tale, holding hands and drinking tea and laughing over inside jokes . . . ughh gag me. > > > > What do you guys think? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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