Freaking out slightly at my fathers visit.

[Guest guest]

My father is coming to visit from several provinces away. He originally intended

on staying with me, along with his BPD wife, who is nothing but abusive and mean

to my children and myself (its not an obvious mean, but cold, calculating and

double sided). Anyway, a year and a half ago, things came to a head between her

and I (ie- I got tired of her lies, backstabbing and histrionics and called her

on the matt for some of her lies, to which I got a three page letter outlining

why the world would be a better place without me in it).

My father mailed the letter, and also returned christmas presents that were sent

to her, even ones my kids had sent.

Anyway, I informed him that she was not welcome here, that in her letter she

stated explicitly that if they ever made it down east again, they would not stay

with the likes of me. So, I'm holding her to that. I couldn't ask for more.

LOL!

They will be staying nearby, but my father will be coming for the weekend, by

himself. This of course was news to me, and was only recently sprung on me

(miscommunication at its finest).

He has stated that he wants to go do something with the girls (aged 5 and 8),

and my flags went up.

I know (considering her personality type) that I've now been washed as the

horrible bitch that is keeping her from her precious grandbabies (PLEASE. Its

been 2 years since they've been here, and last time they were more interested in

shopping instead of spending any time with them). I have a very strong

suspicion that he intends on taking them to see her. WILL. NOT. HAPPEN.

So, being that he is a dishrag dad (I suspect he has NPD), and *my* father,

while I don't give a shit about her. I wonder how much I should go into the

situation with him, if at all. Honestly, will it matter?

How can I have a normal relationship with him? Should I bother? Treat him like a

house guest?

How do I broach the fact that he does not know my children, and no way in hell

is he taking my girls anywhere without me there. I suppose I could just stick to

the kids like glue.

In my ideal little perfect world, he would have a wonderful relationship with me

and my girls. He would be close to them, loving, e-mail, write, call them etc.

*sigh* I can dream right? At what point does the dream finally die so I can be

put out of my misery.

[Guest guest]

It is hard to let that dream die; I think we must be genetically hard-wired to

want to bond with our parents, its like deciding to cut your own arm off to cut

off contact with a parent; at least it was for me. It took a lifetime of

chronic abusive behavior to get me to the point of cutting contact with my own

mother.

I think your intuition is probably right: your father will take the girls to

visit his wife if you are not with them at all times.

-Annie

>

> My father is coming to visit from several provinces away. He originally

intended on staying with me, along with his BPD wife, who is nothing but abusive

and mean to my children and myself (its not an obvious mean, but cold,

calculating and double sided). Anyway, a year and a half ago, things came to a

head between her and I (ie- I got tired of her lies, backstabbing and

histrionics and called her on the matt for some of her lies, to which I got a

three page letter outlining why the world would be a better place without me in

it).

>

> My father mailed the letter, and also returned christmas presents that were

sent to her, even ones my kids had sent.

>

> Anyway, I informed him that she was not welcome here, that in her letter she

stated explicitly that if they ever made it down east again, they would not stay

with the likes of me. So, I'm holding her to that. I couldn't ask for more.

LOL!

>

> They will be staying nearby, but my father will be coming for the weekend, by

himself. This of course was news to me, and was only recently sprung on me

(miscommunication at its finest).

>

> He has stated that he wants to go do something with the girls (aged 5 and 8),

and my flags went up.

>

> I know (considering her personality type) that I've now been washed as the

horrible bitch that is keeping her from her precious grandbabies (PLEASE. Its

been 2 years since they've been here, and last time they were more interested in

shopping instead of spending any time with them). I have a very strong

suspicion that he intends on taking them to see her. WILL. NOT. HAPPEN.

>

> So, being that he is a dishrag dad (I suspect he has NPD), and *my* father,

while I don't give a shit about her. I wonder how much I should go into the

situation with him, if at all. Honestly, will it matter?

>

> How can I have a normal relationship with him? Should I bother? Treat him like

a house guest?

>

> How do I broach the fact that he does not know my children, and no way in hell

is he taking my girls anywhere without me there. I suppose I could just stick to

the kids like glue.

>

> In my ideal little perfect world, he would have a wonderful relationship with

me and my girls. He would be close to them, loving, e-mail, write, call them

etc. *sigh* I can dream right? At what point does the dream finally die so I can

be put out of my misery.

>

[Guest guest]

hi Elora,

That really stinks that your dad took his wife's side. It's great that she

stayed away but sad that he took it to another level.

Having him over is one thing but going to do something with your girls...? My

flags went up, too. Well, you got the power, mama! Whatever YOUR comfort level

is with anyone taking your kids, definitely act on that instinct.

You'd asked how to treat him, like a houseguest, etc. My dad and I never, ever

had a close relationship. I really tried and I would pour on the charm to get

him to like me and I would talk the way I thought he liked people he admired

should talk. I say just treat him like anyone who you're not completely

reconciled to. Cordially, but honestly.

I'm not sure the situation w/your stepmother is worth bringing up. Of course I

don't know him, but it sounds like he's firmly entrenched to her side of things.

Whatever you decide to do, best wishes!!

Fiona

>

> My father is coming to visit from several provinces away. He originally

intended on staying with me, along with his BPD wife, who is nothing but abusive

and mean to my children and myself (its not an obvious mean, but cold,

calculating and double sided). Anyway, a year and a half ago, things came to a

head between her and I (ie- I got tired of her lies, backstabbing and

histrionics and called her on the matt for some of her lies, to which I got a

three page letter outlining why the world would be a better place without me in

it).

>

> My father mailed the letter, and also returned christmas presents that were

sent to her, even ones my kids had sent.

>

> Anyway, I informed him that she was not welcome here, that in her letter she

stated explicitly that if they ever made it down east again, they would not stay

with the likes of me. So, I'm holding her to that. I couldn't ask for more.

LOL!

>

> They will be staying nearby, but my father will be coming for the weekend, by

himself. This of course was news to me, and was only recently sprung on me

(miscommunication at its finest).

>

> He has stated that he wants to go do something with the girls (aged 5 and 8),

and my flags went up.

>

> I know (considering her personality type) that I've now been washed as the

horrible bitch that is keeping her from her precious grandbabies (PLEASE. Its

been 2 years since they've been here, and last time they were more interested in

shopping instead of spending any time with them). I have a very strong

suspicion that he intends on taking them to see her. WILL. NOT. HAPPEN.

>

> So, being that he is a dishrag dad (I suspect he has NPD), and *my* father,

while I don't give a shit about her. I wonder how much I should go into the

situation with him, if at all. Honestly, will it matter?

>

> How can I have a normal relationship with him? Should I bother? Treat him like

a house guest?

>

> How do I broach the fact that he does not know my children, and no way in hell

is he taking my girls anywhere without me there. I suppose I could just stick to

the kids like glue.

>

> In my ideal little perfect world, he would have a wonderful relationship with

me and my girls. He would be close to them, loving, e-mail, write, call them

etc. *sigh* I can dream right? At what point does the dream finally die so I can

be put out of my misery.

>