How have others overcome the remnants of a BPD mother in themselves?

[Guest guest]

It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break up

with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come bubbling

up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but through my

own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have found it to

be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her in about 3

1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl this past

January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood under her

belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each other. She

started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was turning into

a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those things and want

to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things that are going

on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit my job and took

out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So basically a lot

of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to get a grip on

them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my girlfriend I was

excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only been a few days but

the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable. I know that I am

not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like there's remnants of it

in me. I can separate what I am going through with my feelings from my ex.

Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I am 30 years old and

know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out to those who

understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better? It's like I

know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels really hard

to do it right now.

[Guest guest]

ashleyliza, loss hurts no matter how strong you are inside. It is especially

painful to loose someone against your will (break-up). It you are a psychology

major, you may already know that the chances of success go way down when in a

relationship with someone with a ruff childhood (BP or not). Considering that

you both had ruff childhoods, it is impressive it lasted as long as it did.

A problem I have in dating is I find myself attracted to people that have

similar backgrounds as me. However, these are not healthy people for me to date

because these relationship have low probability of success for me. I need to

date people with healthier backgrounds so that I can have a greater change of

success, but I am not attracted to them. Frustrating!

I have resolved that, when I become ready to date again, I am going to date with

my head, not my heart. My theory is that when I find a healthy person to spend

time with that I enjoy, my heart will follow and I will finally experience love

that doesn't hurt so bad. Of course this is a big fat theory to this point.

Haven't had a chance to try it yet. I know what doesn't work at least.

>

> It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break up

with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come bubbling

up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but through my

own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have found it to

be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her in about 3

1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl this past

January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood under her

belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each other. She

started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was turning into

a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those things and want

to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things that are going

on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit my job and took

out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So basically a lot

of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to get a grip on

them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my girlfriend I was

excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only been a few days but

the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable. I know that I am

not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like there's remnants of it

in me. I can separate what I am going through with my feelings from my ex.

Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I am 30 years old and

know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out to those who

understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better? It's like I

know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels really hard

to do it right now.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh this one is huge. I am glad, , that you have posted on it. I definitely

have remnants. And that is why I think I was so empathetic to the person on list

who is recovered/recovering from BPD. I have plenty of what we call " fleas "

acquired from long-term-relationship with my borderline mom (nada). I suspect I

will always have a few fleas, or a vulnerability to them.

I am not sure I can use the word overcome. I think for me it has been about

acceptance. I don't believe in taking poison for my fleas. I believe in

grooming. To that end, I think meditation has been very helpful. Particularly

mindfulness or lovingkindness meditation, where I observe my thoughts and work

slowly and steadily to weed out the desire to be rid of the fleas. Also, to keep

from " itching " their bites, which is its own form of emotional addiction. And

only makes things worse.

Looking forward to catching other's thoughts on this topic.

Best,

[Guest guest]

I find myself getting mad at people for little things my fada would get mad at

me for. Fada had no sympathy for people who were weaker than he was, and

constantly ridiculed them behind their back to me, saying how THEY don't

understand because HIS situation is just so much worse. At points it got just

ridiculous. I think seeing how pointless this stuff was has made me almost laugh

at it and separate myself from it, but I still do have the fleas. My roommate

says she has had a " long day " when she leaves for work three hours later than I

do, and comes home whenever she wants (sometimes just two hours later), while

I'm working 12hr days sometimes. What really pushes me over the edge is when

people say they are having " family problems, " aka mom didn't like the color of

the dress they wore to a family party last weekend.

It's not my right to judge but I feel myself doing it, comparing my " poor self "

to everyone else. I've gotten better at it, but I have to agree that prayer and

meditation definitely do help. A lot of the times these thoughts have become so

automatic, it's easy to resort to how we were brought up instinctively. Taking a

moment to really think about WHERE these thoughts come from (are they mine or

fada/nada's?)and getting some moments of peace helps.

So does finding some healthy people. I have some close friends who point out to

me when I'm going over the edge and know my family history. It's tough to hear,

but it's nice to have it said directly by people who care.

Mentoring kids has also been really therapeutic. It's almost like I'm looking

into the eyes of the kid I wish I was, and all I can do is care for the kid and

see him or her as a flawed but beautiful human. And I restrain myself from

itching all those flea bites because the last thing I want to do is to have an

effect on a kid so detrimental and toxic as some of us know.

>

> Oh this one is huge. I am glad, , that you have posted on it. I

definitely have remnants. And that is why I think I was so empathetic to the

person on list who is recovered/recovering from BPD. I have plenty of what we

call " fleas " acquired from long-term-relationship with my borderline mom (nada).

I suspect I will always have a few fleas, or a vulnerability to them.

>

> I am not sure I can use the word overcome. I think for me it has been about

acceptance. I don't believe in taking poison for my fleas. I believe in

grooming. To that end, I think meditation has been very helpful. Particularly

mindfulness or lovingkindness meditation, where I observe my thoughts and work

slowly and steadily to weed out the desire to be rid of the fleas. Also, to keep

from " itching " their bites, which is its own form of emotional addiction. And

only makes things worse.

>

> Looking forward to catching other's thoughts on this topic.

>

> Best,

>

>

[Guest guest]

I didn't realize how much of BPD nada rubbed off onto me until I read the 'waif'

section from UTBM. Not all of it, mind you. Just enough traits that I had an

'AHA moment' about the jobs I've held, my decision making, lack of confidence

and my social anxieties.

>

> It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break up

with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come bubbling

up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but through my

own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have found it to

be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her in about 3

1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl this past

January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood under her

belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each other. She

started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was turning into

a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those things and want

to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things that are going

on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit my job and took

out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So basically a lot

of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to get a grip on

them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my girlfriend I was

excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only been a few days but

the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable. I know that I am

not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like there's remnants of it

in me. I can separate what I am going through with my feelings from my ex.

Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I am 30 years old and

know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out to those who

understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better? It's like I

know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels really hard

to do it right now.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

For me, therapy has been very helpful. Just being able to talk to someone else

and have them objectively look at my issues and things in me I want to improve

is a huge deal for me.

Journaling through the hard feelings helps me a lot, too.

I know what you mean about bpd fleas (those behavioral patterns we picked up

from our bpd mothers/fathers) " bubbling " up when you're under stress. It's what

we learned, it's what we're used to.

Just the fact that you're aware of it and want to change that pattern is a

really good sign.

I agree with you: you have come so far. You've also got a lot on your plate with

graduate school and just breaking up with your girlfriend. It will get better.

You have us for support.

Take good care of yourself; it really does get better.

Fiona

>

> It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break up

with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come bubbling

up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but through my

own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have found it to

be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her in about 3

1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl this past

January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood under her

belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each other. She

started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was turning into

a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those things and want

to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things that are going

on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit my job and took

out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So basically a lot

of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to get a grip on

them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my girlfriend I was

excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only been a few days but

the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable. I know that I am

not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like there's remnants of it

in me. I can separate what I am going through with my feelings from my ex.

Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I am 30 years old and

know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out to those who

understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better? It's like I

know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels really hard

to do it right now.

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona -

Thank you so much for your response. Just having somebody say that they know

what you're going through and that it gets better helps. I have just gotten

back into therapy, starting last night actually! I feel better today, still not

feeling 100%, but feeling like I'm having the " normal " response to what I'm

going through. It's so scary when I get in a place where I feel like I'm losing

it. I'm learning to look for support and provide support not just when it's

needed by me or somebody in my life. It's so important to realize what you have

and cherish that. I'm sure I'll be rocked many more times but I'm going to try

and equip myself to handle it.

Thank you again.

> >

> > It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break

up with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come

bubbling up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but

through my own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have

found it to be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her

in about 3 1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl

this past January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood

under her belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each

other. She started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was

turning into a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those

things and want to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things

that are going on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit

my job and took out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So

basically a lot of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to

get a grip on them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my

girlfriend I was excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only

been a few days but the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable.

I know that I am not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like

there's remnants of it in me. I can separate what I am going through with my

feelings from my ex. Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I

am 30 years old and know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out

to those who understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better?

It's like I know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels

really hard to do it right now.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I just wanted to say I understand what you are going through re the remnants and

I'm sorry to hear about your break up. These things are painful for anyone and

even more difficult perhaps for people who have not grown up in an environment

in which they are able to experience/process emotions in a health and 'normal'

way.

Good luck and stay strong! I hope you feel better soon.

Sara

> >

> > It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break

up with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come

bubbling up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but

through my own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have

found it to be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her

in about 3 1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl

this past January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood

under her belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each

other. She started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was

turning into a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those

things and want to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things

that are going on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit

my job and took out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So

basically a lot of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to

get a grip on them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my

girlfriend I was excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only

been a few days but the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable.

I know that I am not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like

there's remnants of it in me. I can separate what I am going through with my

feelings from my ex. Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I

am 30 years old and know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out

to those who understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better?

It's like I know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels

really hard to do it right now.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with previous poster that any lose we have to grieve. We just can not

let it take over our lives and there lies the balance. I feel a big way I am

affect by being raised by my Nada, is that I have a lot of guilt that I should

not have. I was doing some reading on how women bully, especially in families.

They said they end up picking on the child that already has some emotional and

behavioral problems. yes that would be me. LOL I was hyperactive, told I had

ADHD etc. Anyway, they say the woman bullies push buttons, manipulate so that

that other kids with behavior problems either acts out of frustration, or is

just blamed anyway do to being the scape goat. This is one of the hardest type

of bullying to recognize, and especially for anyone outside the family, for they

end up seeing it as the kid with the behavioral problems, fault. yes Idid do

many things wrong, but I also remember there was a lot I did not do wrong, but

still got blamed, or if my sister or mother did something wrong and I confronted

them, they entrapped me and got me frustrated and thus I either acted or

whatever, than they were not in the wrong anymore I was. I never understood why

I had so much guilt, and always felt guilty wether I did something wrong or not.

With talking to my therapist this seems to be the reason why, all because of my

Nada.

Anyway, now that I recognize this, and I recognize how my nada somehow makes it

my fault, I know that I need not react to her BS no matter how hurtful, how

ridiculous etc it is. The more I do not react the worse she actually gets trying

to get a reaction from me so i get very angry. This proves my theory.

Unbelievably, she wrote me an e-mail saying that I faked my suicide attempt,

among other things. I was furious, and than saw it for what it was, and attempt

to once again entrap me so that I would react, get angry, maybe lose my temper

and do something inappriaote because of it, thus making me the party in the

wrong. it is hard not to confront her, but that is what she wants. I know it

now, and no matter my intentions of being assertive in confronting her, she will

say something off the wall and ridiculous to get me angry. I know this now, and

thus am practicing to not react no matter what she says and how hurtful it

is.Asi said it is hard, because the more I do not react the more absurd and

hurtful things she says. if that does not work, than she acts nice to lure me in

than sucker punch me with saying something very hurtful and absurd. The biggest

thing that is hurting me right now is my emotional connection with my nada, that

I am trying to break free from, so I can not react to her and not be so hurt as

not being able to sleep and crying at night. I feel so alone, knowing there is

no one to talk to or who can understand or even believe me. I am just the man

that is disrespecting his mother, because they do not understand how intricate

and complicated this abuse and bullying is.

I hoep this helped in a different way. if you can relate good if not, sorry for

taking up your time and thread. LOL I just wanted to share something that seems

to slip through the cracks of many male victims in these kind of relationships.

jeremy

> > >

> > > It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break

up with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come

bubbling up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but

through my own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have

found it to be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her

in about 3 1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl

this past January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood

under her belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each

other. She started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was

turning into a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those

things and want to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things

that are going on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit

my job and took out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So

basically a lot of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to

get a grip on them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my

girlfriend I was excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only

been a few days but the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable.

I know that I am not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like

there's remnants of it in me. I can separate what I am going through with my

feelings from my ex. Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I

am 30 years old and know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out

to those who understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better?

It's like I know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels

really hard to do it right now.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with previous poster that any lose we have to grieve. We just can not

let it take over our lives and there lies the balance. I feel a big way I am

affect by being raised by my Nada, is that I have a lot of guilt that I should

not have. I was doing some reading on how women bully, especially in families.

They said they end up picking on the child that already has some emotional and

behavioral problems. yes that would be me. LOL I was hyperactive, told I had

ADHD etc. Anyway, they say the woman bullies push buttons, manipulate so that

that other kids with behavior problems either acts out of frustration, or is

just blamed anyway do to being the scape goat. This is one of the hardest type

of bullying to recognize, and especially for anyone outside the family, for they

end up seeing it as the kid with the behavioral problems, fault. yes Idid do

many things wrong, but I also remember there was a lot I did not do wrong, but

still got blamed, or if my sister or mother did something wrong and I confronted

them, they entrapped me and got me frustrated and thus I either acted or

whatever, than they were not in the wrong anymore I was. I never understood why

I had so much guilt, and always felt guilty wether I did something wrong or not.

With talking to my therapist this seems to be the reason why, all because of my

Nada.

Anyway, now that I recognize this, and I recognize how my nada somehow makes it

my fault, I know that I need not react to her BS no matter how hurtful, how

ridiculous etc it is. The more I do not react the worse she actually gets trying

to get a reaction from me so i get very angry. This proves my theory.

Unbelievably, she wrote me an e-mail saying that I faked my suicide attempt,

among other things. I was furious, and than saw it for what it was, and attempt

to once again entrap me so that I would react, get angry, maybe lose my temper

and do something inappriaote because of it, thus making me the party in the

wrong. it is hard not to confront her, but that is what she wants. I know it

now, and no matter my intentions of being assertive in confronting her, she will

say something off the wall and ridiculous to get me angry. I know this now, and

thus am practicing to not react no matter what she says and how hurtful it

is.Asi said it is hard, because the more I do not react the more absurd and

hurtful things she says. if that does not work, than she acts nice to lure me in

than sucker punch me with saying something very hurtful and absurd. The biggest

thing that is hurting me right now is my emotional connection with my nada, that

I am trying to break free from, so I can not react to her and not be so hurt as

not being able to sleep and crying at night. I feel so alone, knowing there is

no one to talk to or who can understand or even believe me. I am just the man

that is disrespecting his mother, because they do not understand how intricate

and complicated this abuse and bullying is.

I hoep this helped in a different way. if you can relate good if not, sorry for

taking up your time and thread. LOL I just wanted to share something that seems

to slip through the cracks of many male victims in these kind of relationships.

> > >

> > > It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break

up with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come

bubbling up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but

through my own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have

found it to be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her

in about 3 1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl

this past January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood

under her belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each

other. She started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was

turning into a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those

things and want to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things

that are going on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit

my job and took out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So

basically a lot of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to

get a grip on them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my

girlfriend I was excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only

been a few days but the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable.

I know that I am not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like

there's remnants of it in me. I can separate what I am going through with my

feelings from my ex. Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I

am 30 years old and know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out

to those who understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better?

It's like I know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels

really hard to do it right now.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I am trying to break free from, so I can not react to her and not be so hurt

as

> not being able to sleep and crying at night. I feel so alone, knowing there is

> no one to talk to or who can understand or even believe me. I am just the man

> that is disrespecting his mother, because they do not understand how intricate

> and complicated this abuse and bullying is.

I hope you do feel understood here as I bet many will relate, I do. What goes

on with my nada and me is very subtle too, hard to pin down or prove or even

describe sometimes. It is very terribly real though. And to anyone on the

outside it looks exactly like you say - the disrespectful adult child, oh how

awful! I live thousands of miles away from my aging nada who needs help and

I'm sure to any outside person it looks like I'm a really awful person. They

can't comprehend that even making the phone calls and what I do long distance is

already a massive sacrifice. Anyway, I hope you know that we believe you here.

Stay strong and try to get some sleep.

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I think you are right and its the covert emotional abuse that can be so

damaging, perhaps more damaging that overt physical abuse because the victim can

be made to appear to be the person causing the problem.

This kind of covert, subtle, psychological bullying can be perpetrated by either

parent, on either a daughter or a son; in my opinion it only appears that

women/mothers engage in covert psychological abuse more because they engage in

blatant physical battering less. Fathers can be just as damaging when they

select one child to be their " golden one " and designate another as their

" scapegoat " .

But I agree totally that the repetitive use of this tactic...

*parent attacks his/her child by making false accusations, which,

*compels the child to deny the accusation/defend himself or herself, which

then,

*allows the parent the excuse he or she needs to rip into the child and punish

him/her for " lying " , or for " disrespecting " the parent or for " losing control, "

etc.

....is a very insidious and covert form of psychological abuse.

I and my younger Sister experienced this from our bpd/npd nada; we were

sometimes accused of doing or saying or even *thinking* things that we did not

do, or say, or think. To this day my Sister is highly sensitive/reactive to

even being teased about " fibbing. " Being called a liar was what our nada used

as an excuse to punish Sister severely as a child and teen; my recollection is

that Sister was often accused of " lying. "

That is extremely abusive, to be blamed, castigated and shamed for something you

didn't do. It does make the child question their own perceptions of reality,

their own worth, it destroys trust, and it engenders a kind of constant anxiety

and universal guilt as the child comes to realize that no matter what has gone

wrong, he or she will be blamed and punished for it.

Its basically psychological torture, in my opinion.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a

break up with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come

bubbling up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but

through my own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have

found it to be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her

in about 3 1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl

this past January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood

under her belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each

other. She started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was

turning into a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those

things and want to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things

that are going on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit

my job and took out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So

basically a lot of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to

get a grip on them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my

girlfriend I was excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only

been a few days but the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable.

I know that I am not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like

there's remnants of it in me. I can separate what I am going through with my

feelings from my ex. Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I

am 30 years old and know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out

to those who understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better?

It's like I know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels

really hard to do it right now.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have all the codependent behavior. Her father destroyed my sense of self in my

first grade year, and I adopted the false 'nice' persona of someone who really

doesn't feel entitled to be alive. It's very hard to unlearn the hyper-awareness

and feeling molded to serve other people's needs. I really hate seeing this in

myself whenever it comes out.

congrats on your progress in school, and good luck in grad school. abandonment

by a significant other brings up ALL the abandonment issues so don't be too hard

on yourself, you do have the awareness that you have the issues.

as I get older I feel sometimes that I am so old and so messed up because of

nada/fada issues that it is futile and I should give up on ever having a good

quality of life, and just live out my days as uneventfully as possible. I have a

lot of anger at them about this...I could go on and on about it but yesterday I

made a little list of a few things I Do want to accomplish before I die. It was

the first step to letting go of the past and moving on.

>

> It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a break up

with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come bubbling

up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but through my

own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have found it to

be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her in about 3

1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl this past

January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood under her

belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each other. She

started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was turning into

a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those things and want

to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things that are going

on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit my job and took

out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So basically a lot

of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to get a grip on

them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my girlfriend I was

excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only been a few days but

the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable. I know that I am

not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like there's remnants of it

in me. I can separate what I am going through with my feelings from my ex.

Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I am 30 years old and

know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out to those who

understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better? It's like I

know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels really hard

to do it right now.

>

[Guest guest]

,

I hear what you are saying and want to tell you to keep moving in the direction

you are going. I'll also add that the fact they use *our* diagnoses to garner

sympathy from others while manipulating us deeper into the enmeshment is another

huge twist for us.

Children trust their parent to help guide them, fix them. When that parent

instead baits the child to act out it is a horrendous abuse of power and trust.

Have you considered going NC, until you get yourself to a better point of

feeling separate from her?

> > > >

> > > > It's been a while since I've posted. I have recently gone through a

break up with my girlfriend and unfortunately, this is when my own issues come

bubbling up to the surface. My mother is not officially diagnosed as BPD, but

through my own therapy, reading, and schooling (I'm a psychology major) I have

found it to be the best description for her behavior. I have not spoken with her

in about 3 1/2 years and have grown tremendously in that time. I met a girl

this past January and we hit it off amazingly. She too has a rough childhood

under her belt and we connected and grew from being able to understand each

other. She started to feel like she was pulling away and our relationship was

turning into a friendship. I feel like I'm in a place to work through those

things and want to be with her, she does not feel like she can " fix " the things

that are going on with her right now. I am in my 4th week of grad school, quit

my job and took out the loans, with the encouragement and support of my ex. So

basically a lot of changes happening all at once and I'm finding it difficult to

get a grip on them (questioning my decisions,etc.). When I was still with my

girlfriend I was excited about the future and felt encouraged, etc. It's only

been a few days but the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings is unbelievable.

I know that I am not borderline myself, although I do sometimes feel like

there's remnants of it in me. I can separate what I am going through with my

feelings from my ex. Although I am hurt by the side of me that loses itself, I

am 30 years old and know that I have come so far. I guess I'm just reaching out

to those who understand the feeling and maybe be reminded that it gets better?

It's like I know the things I can do to make myself feel better, it just feels

really hard to do it right now.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

But WE know, Eliza, what you go through with a sneaky, hard to pin down nada.

Anytime someone starts telling me how awful they are treated by a

child/grandchild, I secretly wonder just what is really the truth. I hold my

tongue and give them a taste of medium chill.

>

> I hope you do feel understood here as I bet many will relate, I do. What goes

on with my nada and me is very subtle too, hard to pin down or prove or even

describe sometimes. It is very terribly real though. And to anyone on the

outside it looks exactly like you say - the disrespectful adult child, oh how

awful! I live thousands of miles away from my aging nada who needs help and

I'm sure to any outside person it looks like I'm a really awful person. They

can't comprehend that even making the phone calls and what I do long distance is

already a massive sacrifice. Anyway, I hope you know that we believe you here.

Stay strong and try to get some sleep.

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Definitely Echo, the red flags go off for me too and I wonder about the

backstory!

> >

> > I hope you do feel understood here as I bet many will relate, I do. What

goes on with my nada and me is very subtle too, hard to pin down or prove or

even describe sometimes. It is very terribly real though. And to anyone on the

outside it looks exactly like you say - the disrespectful adult child, oh how

awful! I live thousands of miles away from my aging nada who needs help and

I'm sure to any outside person it looks like I'm a really awful person. They

can't comprehend that even making the phone calls and what I do long distance is

already a massive sacrifice. Anyway, I hope you know that we believe you here.

Stay strong and try to get some sleep.

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>