AHHH! I have to see her this weekend...

[Guest guest]

Ok. Heres my concern.

I am going to visit my brother this weekend, as are my parents and younger

brother. I am really worried about how this will all end up because the last

time my Nada and younger brother got together, there was a huge emotional

explosion which resulted in my Nada telling my brother to " go to hell " .

I have always been the " smoother over " in my family. I think I always knew

something was a little different about my Nada. And now that I understand it

more fully, I am looking for some suggestions about interactions and ways to

respond to outbursts.

Any ideas? I really just dont want my brothers last weekend in the US to be a

complete disaster (He's being deployed with the Air Force in a week!).

-Charity

[Guest guest]

My suggestions are:

If there is any way possible for you to do so, I'd say see your brother on your

own without the rest of your family. See him the day before or the day after

the rest of your family sees him, like, maybe arrive the evening before and take

him out to dinner or get up really early and take him out to breakfast. Then

you can either leave before the rest of your foo arrives (family of origin) or

just stay long enough to say a pleasant hello, and then leave (whichever feels

the most workable for you.)

If you have NO other option but to be there when your nada is there, then I

suggest that you employ the technique called " medium chill " . Its a way to just

remain pleasant but calm and emotionally neutral no matter what. It doesn't

matter if the bpd is being intrusive, demanding, whiny, syrupy sweet, or

hostile: you remain pleasant but neutral and do not engage emotionally, like a

pleasant but solid brick wall.

You can find the short article about how to utilize this technique at post

#132289 (posted back on July 30th).

I actually utilized " medium chill " last year when I had no option but to see

nada and the rest of my family for a couple of days for an important event of my

nephew's, and it worked pretty well for me. But probably what worked best was

that it was such a short visit and I had my own room at the hotel, which

minimized the actual number of minutes I spent in my nada's presence.

So, I hope that helps you.

-Annie

>

> Ok. Heres my concern.

>

> I am going to visit my brother this weekend, as are my parents and younger

brother. I am really worried about how this will all end up because the last

time my Nada and younger brother got together, there was a huge emotional

explosion which resulted in my Nada telling my brother to " go to hell " .

>

> I have always been the " smoother over " in my family. I think I always knew

something was a little different about my Nada. And now that I understand it

more fully, I am looking for some suggestions about interactions and ways to

respond to outbursts.

>

> Any ideas? I really just dont want my brothers last weekend in the US to be a

complete disaster (He's being deployed with the Air Force in a week!).

>

> -Charity

>

[Guest guest]

I think two thing to remembers are that you can't stop your nada

from having outbursts and it isn't your responsibility to be the

" smoother over " . What goes on between your nada and your

brother is between the two of them. He needs to come up with his

own ways of dealing with her.

That being said, if you're there with them, my advice is to give

her outbursts as little attention as possible. Nadas are

commonly all about getting attention for themselves and/or

making others miserable. If you don't give them any extra

attention or act upset when they misbehave, that short circuits

the positive feedback loop. It may or may not make things go

better this weekend, but in the long run she'll eventually

notice that she's not getting what she wants and hopefully

she'll change her behavior. Things may get worse before they get

better.

At 11:21 AM 09/22/2011 sharpknives05 wrote:

>Ok. Heres my concern.

>

>I am going to visit my brother this weekend, as are my parents

>and younger brother. I am really worried about how this will

>all end up because the last time my Nada and younger brother

>got together, there was a huge emotional explosion which

>resulted in my Nada telling my brother to " go to hell " .

>

>I have always been the " smoother over " in my family. I think I

>always knew something was a little different about my Nada. And

>now that I understand it more fully, I am looking for some

>suggestions about interactions and ways to respond to

>outbursts.

>

>Any ideas? I really just dont want my brothers last weekend in

>the US to be a complete disaster (He's being deployed with the

>Air Force in a week!).

>

>-Charity

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

It's very compassionate of you to want your brother to have a good few days

before he deploys. That is very caring and you should be really proud. If your

mom doesn't feel that way, and doesn't care, and causes trouble, that is her and

not you. You can't control what she does. If she makes a stink you might end up

having to grieve that a bit, because that's pretty major in my book, that

something so important is happening and she doesn't care enough to let it go

over in peace. It's really sad.

>

> Ok. Heres my concern.

>

> I am going to visit my brother this weekend, as are my parents and younger

brother. I am really worried about how this will all end up because the last

time my Nada and younger brother got together, there was a huge emotional

explosion which resulted in my Nada telling my brother to " go to hell " .

>

> I have always been the " smoother over " in my family. I think I always knew

something was a little different about my Nada. And now that I understand it

more fully, I am looking for some suggestions about interactions and ways to

respond to outbursts.

>

> Any ideas? I really just dont want my brothers last weekend in the US to be a

complete disaster (He's being deployed with the Air Force in a week!).

>

> -Charity

>