Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Hi all! I haven't posted for a while, but some of you may recall some of my previous posts outlining the struggles I've had this past year with my BPD nada. Just a short recap - Nada attempted suicide last November, which resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of BPD with narcissistic tendencies as well as Dependent PD. The past 10 months have been a rollercoaster ride for me, as you know. If anything good came out of all it it though, it was that I got back into therapy. I've made tremendous progress in a short time, went NC with nada back in May, and for the first time in my life began to experience a feeling of freedom that I never had before. Things were really beginning to look up - or so I thought. But, as I've experienced so many times before in my life, when things are going along really great, well, then the bottom falls out from under me. Two nights ago, it happened again - I was totally broadsided. I picked up DD from school as I do each day. When we pulled into the driveway, I saw DH's truck there. It was very unusual for him to be home from work so early. As soon as we walked in, he met me at the door with a very somber look on his face and said, " We have to talk " . We went into the bedroom and shut the door for privacy. Then, he dropped the bomb. He said, " I've been unfaithful to you " . I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I felt like he had just taken a knife and plunged it right into my heart. I just sat there speechless. He told me he was sorry, that it only happened one time, and that it didn't mean anything to him. Over the past few days, he has filled in more details. Apparently, this was a very random thing. It wasn't planned. He didn't even know the woman. He said that she approached him. From the sound of it, she does this for a living if you know what I mean. Not only did he have sex with this random streetwalker, but he may have contracted a disease from her. He said it happened about a month ago, and he has been sick with a virus for a few weeks now. He went to the doctor, and they gave him a shot for STD's, but he's worried that it may be more serious - like HIV. I'm still reeling from the shock of all of this. I feel completely numb now - like I'm just going through the motions every day. I just wish the earth would open up and swallow me. I'm trying to pretend like everything is normal as best I can for our daughter's sake, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I've spent the past 2 mornings in my T's office just trying to make some sense of it all. She has helped me to come to grips with the fact that it is not about me at all. It is about demons that he is fighting inside his head. He quite possibly has a sexual addiction, or it could be even more than that. I do know that he had a very dysfunctional childhood. I don't know if either of his parents had a PD, but they were certainly not healthy parents at all, and were in fact, very abusive. He has told me just bits and pieces of things that he can remember. Like me, he has *blacked out* big parts of his memory from childhood. He wants reassurance from me that I'm not going to leave him over this. I did tell him that I still love him and I'm not going anywhere. At least for the time being. However, I did give him an ultimatim that he needs to go get counseling to deal with whatever issues are going on. I made it clear that this is something he has to do for himself, and that I'm not going to wait around forever. I feel so lost and empty now. He was the one constant in my life. He was/is my best friend. He has stood by me through some really bad times in my life and through this whole MESS with nada. I felt like he was my rock. He was the one person I could always count on to be there for me and I saw him as my protector. But, I don't feel safe anymore. I feel betrayed, and I wonder how many more secrets does he have that I don't know about? I don't think I can take one more thing right now. I mean really, after all I've been through, WHY NOW??? Sorry for rambling. I'm just hurting so much right now. Thanks for *listening*. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 , big ((hugs)) to you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. On Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 11:26 AM, juspeachyinga wrote: > ** > > > Hi all! I haven't posted for a while, but some of you may recall some of my > previous posts outlining the struggles I've had this past year with my BPD > nada. Just a short recap - Nada attempted suicide last November, which > resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of BPD with > narcissistic tendencies as well as Dependent PD. The past 10 months have > been a rollercoaster ride for me, as you know. If anything good came out of > all it it though, it was that I got back into therapy. I've made tremendous > progress in a short time, went NC with nada back in May, and for the first > time in my life began to experience a feeling of freedom that I never had > before. Things were really beginning to look up - or so I thought. > > But, as I've experienced so many times before in my life, when things are > going along really great, well, then the bottom falls out from under me. Two > nights ago, it happened again - I was totally broadsided. I picked up DD > from school as I do each day. When we pulled into the driveway, I saw DH's > truck there. It was very unusual for him to be home from work so early. As > soon as we walked in, he met me at the door with a very somber look on his > face and said, " We have to talk " . We went into the bedroom and shut the door > for privacy. Then, he dropped the bomb. He said, " I've been unfaithful to > you " . > > I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I felt like he had just taken > a knife and plunged it right into my heart. I just sat there speechless. He > told me he was sorry, that it only happened one time, and that it didn't > mean anything to him. Over the past few days, he has filled in more details. > Apparently, this was a very random thing. It wasn't planned. He didn't even > know the woman. He said that she approached him. From the sound of it, she > does this for a living if you know what I mean. Not only did he have sex > with this random streetwalker, but he may have contracted a disease from > her. He said it happened about a month ago, and he has been sick with a > virus for a few weeks now. He went to the doctor, and they gave him a shot > for STD's, but he's worried that it may be more serious - like HIV. > > I'm still reeling from the shock of all of this. I feel completely numb now > - like I'm just going through the motions every day. I just wish the earth > would open up and swallow me. I'm trying to pretend like everything is > normal as best I can for our daughter's sake, but I feel like I'm dying > inside. I've spent the past 2 mornings in my T's office just trying to make > some sense of it all. She has helped me to come to grips with the fact that > it is not about me at all. It is about demons that he is fighting inside his > head. He quite possibly has a sexual addiction, or it could be even more > than that. I do know that he had a very dysfunctional childhood. I don't > know if either of his parents had a PD, but they were certainly not healthy > parents at all, and were in fact, very abusive. He has told me just bits and > pieces of things that he can remember. Like me, he has *blacked out* big > parts of his memory from childhood. > > He wants reassurance from me that I'm not going to leave him over this. I > did tell him that I still love him and I'm not going anywhere. At least for > the time being. However, I did give him an ultimatim that he needs to go get > counseling to deal with whatever issues are going on. I made it clear that > this is something he has to do for himself, and that I'm not going to wait > around forever. > > I feel so lost and empty now. He was the one constant in my life. He was/is > my best friend. He has stood by me through some really bad times in my life > and through this whole MESS with nada. I felt like he was my rock. He was > the one person I could always count on to be there for me and I saw him as > my protector. But, I don't feel safe anymore. I feel betrayed, and I wonder > how many more secrets does he have that I don't know about? I don't think I > can take one more thing right now. I mean really, after all I've been > through, WHY NOW??? > > Sorry for rambling. I'm just hurting so much right now. Thanks for > *listening*. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 ((((())))) I wish I could say something to help, but all I can do is say that I'm so sorry you're experiencing this pain; I can hear how devastated, how shocked and numb and betrayed you feel. I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you process this trauma, and can find at least a little comfort in knowing that we're thinking of you here at the Group and wishing you well. -Annie > > Hi all! I haven't posted for a while, but some of you may recall some of my previous posts outlining the struggles I've had this past year with my BPD nada. Just a short recap - Nada attempted suicide last November, which resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of BPD with narcissistic tendencies as well as Dependent PD. The past 10 months have been a rollercoaster ride for me, as you know. If anything good came out of all it it though, it was that I got back into therapy. I've made tremendous progress in a short time, went NC with nada back in May, and for the first time in my life began to experience a feeling of freedom that I never had before. Things were really beginning to look up - or so I thought. > > But, as I've experienced so many times before in my life, when things are going along really great, well, then the bottom falls out from under me. Two nights ago, it happened again - I was totally broadsided. I picked up DD from school as I do each day. When we pulled into the driveway, I saw DH's truck there. It was very unusual for him to be home from work so early. As soon as we walked in, he met me at the door with a very somber look on his face and said, " We have to talk " . We went into the bedroom and shut the door for privacy. Then, he dropped the bomb. He said, " I've been unfaithful to you " . > > I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I felt like he had just taken a knife and plunged it right into my heart. I just sat there speechless. He told me he was sorry, that it only happened one time, and that it didn't mean anything to him. Over the past few days, he has filled in more details. Apparently, this was a very random thing. It wasn't planned. He didn't even know the woman. He said that she approached him. From the sound of it, she does this for a living if you know what I mean. Not only did he have sex with this random streetwalker, but he may have contracted a disease from her. He said it happened about a month ago, and he has been sick with a virus for a few weeks now. He went to the doctor, and they gave him a shot for STD's, but he's worried that it may be more serious - like HIV. > > I'm still reeling from the shock of all of this. I feel completely numb now - like I'm just going through the motions every day. I just wish the earth would open up and swallow me. I'm trying to pretend like everything is normal as best I can for our daughter's sake, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I've spent the past 2 mornings in my T's office just trying to make some sense of it all. She has helped me to come to grips with the fact that it is not about me at all. It is about demons that he is fighting inside his head. He quite possibly has a sexual addiction, or it could be even more than that. I do know that he had a very dysfunctional childhood. I don't know if either of his parents had a PD, but they were certainly not healthy parents at all, and were in fact, very abusive. He has told me just bits and pieces of things that he can remember. Like me, he has *blacked out* big parts of his memory from childhood. > > He wants reassurance from me that I'm not going to leave him over this. I did tell him that I still love him and I'm not going anywhere. At least for the time being. However, I did give him an ultimatim that he needs to go get counseling to deal with whatever issues are going on. I made it clear that this is something he has to do for himself, and that I'm not going to wait around forever. > > > I feel so lost and empty now. He was the one constant in my life. He was/is my best friend. He has stood by me through some really bad times in my life and through this whole MESS with nada. I felt like he was my rock. He was the one person I could always count on to be there for me and I saw him as my protector. But, I don't feel safe anymore. I feel betrayed, and I wonder how many more secrets does he have that I don't know about? I don't think I can take one more thing right now. I mean really, after all I've been through, WHY NOW??? > > Sorry for rambling. I'm just hurting so much right now. Thanks for *listening*. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 (((()))) I'm sorry this is happening for you and I hope it time things can work out. At least it sounds like your husband wants to make this right if it is possible - prayers for you and I hope you are healthy and safe. Eliza > > Hi all! I haven't posted for a while, but some of you may recall some of my previous posts outlining the struggles I've had this past year with my BPD nada. Just a short recap - Nada attempted suicide last November, which resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of BPD with narcissistic tendencies as well as Dependent PD. The past 10 months have been a rollercoaster ride for me, as you know. If anything good came out of all it it though, it was that I got back into therapy. I've made tremendous progress in a short time, went NC with nada back in May, and for the first time in my life began to experience a feeling of freedom that I never had before. Things were really beginning to look up - or so I thought. > > But, as I've experienced so many times before in my life, when things are going along really great, well, then the bottom falls out from under me. Two nights ago, it happened again - I was totally broadsided. I picked up DD from school as I do each day. When we pulled into the driveway, I saw DH's truck there. It was very unusual for him to be home from work so early. As soon as we walked in, he met me at the door with a very somber look on his face and said, " We have to talk " . We went into the bedroom and shut the door for privacy. Then, he dropped the bomb. He said, " I've been unfaithful to you " . > > I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I felt like he had just taken a knife and plunged it right into my heart. I just sat there speechless. He told me he was sorry, that it only happened one time, and that it didn't mean anything to him. Over the past few days, he has filled in more details. Apparently, this was a very random thing. It wasn't planned. He didn't even know the woman. He said that she approached him. From the sound of it, she does this for a living if you know what I mean. Not only did he have sex with this random streetwalker, but he may have contracted a disease from her. He said it happened about a month ago, and he has been sick with a virus for a few weeks now. He went to the doctor, and they gave him a shot for STD's, but he's worried that it may be more serious - like HIV. > > I'm still reeling from the shock of all of this. I feel completely numb now - like I'm just going through the motions every day. I just wish the earth would open up and swallow me. I'm trying to pretend like everything is normal as best I can for our daughter's sake, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I've spent the past 2 mornings in my T's office just trying to make some sense of it all. She has helped me to come to grips with the fact that it is not about me at all. It is about demons that he is fighting inside his head. He quite possibly has a sexual addiction, or it could be even more than that. I do know that he had a very dysfunctional childhood. I don't know if either of his parents had a PD, but they were certainly not healthy parents at all, and were in fact, very abusive. He has told me just bits and pieces of things that he can remember. Like me, he has *blacked out* big parts of his memory from childhood. > > He wants reassurance from me that I'm not going to leave him over this. I did tell him that I still love him and I'm not going anywhere. At least for the time being. However, I did give him an ultimatim that he needs to go get counseling to deal with whatever issues are going on. I made it clear that this is something he has to do for himself, and that I'm not going to wait around forever. > > > I feel so lost and empty now. He was the one constant in my life. He was/is my best friend. He has stood by me through some really bad times in my life and through this whole MESS with nada. I felt like he was my rock. He was the one person I could always count on to be there for me and I saw him as my protector. But, I don't feel safe anymore. I feel betrayed, and I wonder how many more secrets does he have that I don't know about? I don't think I can take one more thing right now. I mean really, after all I've been through, WHY NOW??? > > Sorry for rambling. I'm just hurting so much right now. Thanks for *listening*. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Prayers going out to you. *HUGS* Janet  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. Proverbs 3:5-8 To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2011 11:26 AM Subject: DH dropped a bomb on me  Hi all! I haven't posted for a while, but some of you may recall some of my previous posts outlining the struggles I've had this past year with my BPD nada. Just a short recap - Nada attempted suicide last November, which resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of BPD with narcissistic tendencies as well as Dependent PD. The past 10 months have been a rollercoaster ride for me, as you know. If anything good came out of all it it though, it was that I got back into therapy. I've made tremendous progress in a short time, went NC with nada back in May, and for the first time in my life began to experience a feeling of freedom that I never had before. Things were really beginning to look up - or so I thought. But, as I've experienced so many times before in my life, when things are going along really great, well, then the bottom falls out from under me. Two nights ago, it happened again - I was totally broadsided. I picked up DD from school as I do each day. When we pulled into the driveway, I saw DH's truck there. It was very unusual for him to be home from work so early. As soon as we walked in, he met me at the door with a very somber look on his face and said, " We have to talk " . We went into the bedroom and shut the door for privacy. Then, he dropped the bomb. He said, " I've been unfaithful to you " . I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I felt like he had just taken a knife and plunged it right into my heart. I just sat there speechless. He told me he was sorry, that it only happened one time, and that it didn't mean anything to him. Over the past few days, he has filled in more details. Apparently, this was a very random thing. It wasn't planned. He didn't even know the woman. He said that she approached him. From the sound of it, she does this for a living if you know what I mean. Not only did he have sex with this random streetwalker, but he may have contracted a disease from her. He said it happened about a month ago, and he has been sick with a virus for a few weeks now. He went to the doctor, and they gave him a shot for STD's, but he's worried that it may be more serious - like HIV. I'm still reeling from the shock of all of this. I feel completely numb now - like I'm just going through the motions every day. I just wish the earth would open up and swallow me. I'm trying to pretend like everything is normal as best I can for our daughter's sake, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I've spent the past 2 mornings in my T's office just trying to make some sense of it all. She has helped me to come to grips with the fact that it is not about me at all. It is about demons that he is fighting inside his head. He quite possibly has a sexual addiction, or it could be even more than that. I do know that he had a very dysfunctional childhood. I don't know if either of his parents had a PD, but they were certainly not healthy parents at all, and were in fact, very abusive. He has told me just bits and pieces of things that he can remember. Like me, he has *blacked out* big parts of his memory from childhood. He wants reassurance from me that I'm not going to leave him over this. I did tell him that I still love him and I'm not going anywhere. At least for the time being. However, I did give him an ultimatim that he needs to go get counseling to deal with whatever issues are going on. I made it clear that this is something he has to do for himself, and that I'm not going to wait around forever. I feel so lost and empty now. He was the one constant in my life. He was/is my best friend. He has stood by me through some really bad times in my life and through this whole MESS with nada. I felt like he was my rock. He was the one person I could always count on to be there for me and I saw him as my protector. But, I don't feel safe anymore. I feel betrayed, and I wonder how many more secrets does he have that I don't know about? I don't think I can take one more thing right now. I mean really, after all I've been through, WHY NOW??? Sorry for rambling. I'm just hurting so much right now. Thanks for *listening*. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of support. Even though I know that DH has serious issues he needs to deal with and that his behavior is just a symptom of a much larger problem, I still can't help but wonder if it did have something to do with me. I have been going through so much this past year in dealing with my own issues with nada, and I feel that I haven't been able to really be there for him in the way he needs me to be. I have had to lean on him quite a bit, and there have been periods where I have needed space and I know I seemed distant. Maybe I have been TOO needy. Maybe he felt abandoned by me. I know my T would be banging her head up against the wall if she heard me say that one more time. It's just hard not to feel responsible in some way. After all, I am a KO. I was raised to be responsible for everyone else. Funny thing is that even though I'm the victim here, I find myself being loving and supportive of him. I spent about an hour last night reassuring him that he was still loved, and I understood he had demons from childhood, and I support his decision to get into therapy. On and on, it was ME soothing HIS feelings - not the other way around. Isn't that so KO? I know there are some people out there that wouldn't understand that. I should be angry as HELL at him, but I can't be. All I can feel right now is pity for him. He has been carrying around guilt and shame since childhood. He told me last night, he is tired of carrying it. He is tired of living a lie and pretending all the time. He wants to be free. I can so identify with that. I've been there. I'm still there. I've watched him struggle for years, and I've been after him for years to get into therapy. He's been to a few counseling sessions with me, but it was in support for me and my issues with nada. He's okay with it as long as the focus is not on him. Maybe this was something that had to happen to finally get him to realize he needs to deal with his stuff and stop pretending not to see the elephant in the room. I just wish to HELL it didn't have to come to this. Anyway, he took the initiative and found a therapist. He has his first appointment on Monday. He realizes this is a journey he has to take alone, but he's scared. Now, I need to find some way to take care of ME. I thank God for this group and the amazing people here. I feel the love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 , I am so so sorry to hear this news =( *Big hugs*!!! This must all be so frustrating, and anger-making. I am glad you are talking to your T about it, and to us too. I think an ultimatum is appropriate here. If I might add something you might consider too... maybe couple's counseling when the time is right. I also feel the need to add that both of you should get HIV tested, especially if you have been intimate since this happened. Vague " viral illness " type symptoms are usually what occur shortly after becoming infected. * I AM NOT* trying to scare you though! But I think it is important that both of you can put your mind at ease. Because I'm sure that question, " could I have HIV? " is adding even more stress to your life. I am so sorry. I'm glad you opened up to us about it. Mia On Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 12:26 PM, juspeachyinga wrote: > > > Hi all! I haven't posted for a while, but some of you may recall some of my > previous posts outlining the struggles I've had this past year with my BPD > nada. Just a short recap - Nada attempted suicide last November, which > resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of BPD with > narcissistic tendencies as well as Dependent PD. The past 10 months have > been a rollercoaster ride for me, as you know. If anything good came out of > all it it though, it was that I got back into therapy. I've made tremendous > progress in a short time, went NC with nada back in May, and for the first > time in my life began to experience a feeling of freedom that I never had > before. Things were really beginning to look up - or so I thought. > > But, as I've experienced so many times before in my life, when things are > going along really great, well, then the bottom falls out from under me. Two > nights ago, it happened again - I was totally broadsided. I picked up DD > from school as I do each day. When we pulled into the driveway, I saw DH's > truck there. It was very unusual for him to be home from work so early. As > soon as we walked in, he met me at the door with a very somber look on his > face and said, " We have to talk " . We went into the bedroom and shut the door > for privacy. Then, he dropped the bomb. He said, " I've been unfaithful to > you " . > > I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I felt like he had just taken > a knife and plunged it right into my heart. I just sat there speechless. He > told me he was sorry, that it only happened one time, and that it didn't > mean anything to him. Over the past few days, he has filled in more details. > Apparently, this was a very random thing. It wasn't planned. He didn't even > know the woman. He said that she approached him. From the sound of it, she > does this for a living if you know what I mean. Not only did he have sex > with this random streetwalker, but he may have contracted a disease from > her. He said it happened about a month ago, and he has been sick with a > virus for a few weeks now. He went to the doctor, and they gave him a shot > for STD's, but he's worried that it may be more serious - like HIV. > > I'm still reeling from the shock of all of this. I feel completely numb now > - like I'm just going through the motions every day. I just wish the earth > would open up and swallow me. I'm trying to pretend like everything is > normal as best I can for our daughter's sake, but I feel like I'm dying > inside. I've spent the past 2 mornings in my T's office just trying to make > some sense of it all. She has helped me to come to grips with the fact that > it is not about me at all. It is about demons that he is fighting inside his > head. He quite possibly has a sexual addiction, or it could be even more > than that. I do know that he had a very dysfunctional childhood. I don't > know if either of his parents had a PD, but they were certainly not healthy > parents at all, and were in fact, very abusive. He has told me just bits and > pieces of things that he can remember. Like me, he has *blacked out* big > parts of his memory from childhood. > > He wants reassurance from me that I'm not going to leave him over this. I > did tell him that I still love him and I'm not going anywhere. At least for > the time being. However, I did give him an ultimatim that he needs to go get > counseling to deal with whatever issues are going on. I made it clear that > this is something he has to do for himself, and that I'm not going to wait > around forever. > > I feel so lost and empty now. He was the one constant in my life. He was/is > my best friend. He has stood by me through some really bad times in my life > and through this whole MESS with nada. I felt like he was my rock. He was > the one person I could always count on to be there for me and I saw him as > my protector. But, I don't feel safe anymore. I feel betrayed, and I wonder > how many more secrets does he have that I don't know about? I don't think I > can take one more thing right now. I mean really, after all I've been > through, WHY NOW??? > > Sorry for rambling. I'm just hurting so much right now. Thanks for > *listening*. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 PS - it has NOTHING to do with you, even if he says it does. No no no. You're not responsible for his actions, only he is. So if he does ever say it's because of you, nope. Sorry, that doesn't fly. I understand you feeling a need/want to love & support him, and if that is really what you want to do by all means do it! But please do not forget to love & support yourself too. I know from my own perspective, I had a LOT of issues when it came to feeling angry... I just didn't. I was never allowed to be as a kid, but as I began to heal, I started learning about anger and healthy ways to feel it & deal with it. It's really ok for you to be angry now. You can be angry AND supportive if you chose, but don't just quash your own emotions. Take care of you too. So whatever you feel, please remember you're allowed. Not that I'm anyone important or significant, but maybe it would help if someone gave you permission? If that's the case, then I give you permission to feel whatever emotion/s come up with all of this. I also give you permission to grieve. Might sound stupid, but someone did that for me once. It was strangely helpful. Mia On Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 1:51 PM, juspeachyinga wrote: > > > Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of support. Even though I > know that DH has serious issues he needs to deal with and that his behavior > is just a symptom of a much larger problem, I still can't help but wonder if > it did have something to do with me. I have been going through so much this > past year in dealing with my own issues with nada, and I feel that I haven't > been able to really be there for him in the way he needs me to be. I have > had to lean on him quite a bit, and there have been periods where I have > needed space and I know I seemed distant. Maybe I have been TOO needy. Maybe > he felt abandoned by me. I know my T would be banging her head up against > the wall if she heard me say that one more time. It's just hard not to feel > responsible in some way. After all, I am a KO. I was raised to be > responsible for everyone else. > > Funny thing is that even though I'm the victim here, I find myself being > loving and supportive of him. I spent about an hour last night reassuring > him that he was still loved, and I understood he had demons from childhood, > and I support his decision to get into therapy. On and on, it was ME > soothing HIS feelings - not the other way around. Isn't that so KO? > > I know there are some people out there that wouldn't understand that. I > should be angry as HELL at him, but I can't be. All I can feel right now is > pity for him. He has been carrying around guilt and shame since childhood. > He told me last night, he is tired of carrying it. He is tired of living a > lie and pretending all the time. He wants to be free. I can so identify with > that. I've been there. I'm still there. I've watched him struggle for years, > and I've been after him for years to get into therapy. He's been to a few > counseling sessions with me, but it was in support for me and my issues with > nada. He's okay with it as long as the focus is not on him. Maybe this was > something that had to happen to finally get him to realize he needs to deal > with his stuff and stop pretending not to see the elephant in the room. I > just wish to HELL it didn't have to come to this. > > Anyway, he took the initiative and found a therapist. He has his first > appointment on Monday. He realizes this is a journey he has to take alone, > but he's scared. Now, I need to find some way to take care of ME. I thank > God for this group and the amazing people here. I feel the love. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 Wow--this sucks. As if you don't have enough on your plate. My DH is a sex addict as well as an alcoholic. He never was unfaithful physically, but left the marriage emotionally lots of times (porn, work, alcohol). It is always a shock when we find the ones we trust the most have a secret life that excludes our needs (or in your case, may have put you in physical jeopardy). I was devastated, but then so much started finally making sense--I had always wondered why he wasn't there for me. It took us both in therapy separately and marriage counseling for 2-3 years before we came out ok. It probably took 4+ years before I started trusting him again. I didn't feel love for him for a long while--I just felt anger and hurt. This is important: your husband has been all eaten up by the upset/cheating for a month now. He screwed up his courage to tell you, to unburden himself. He wants reassurance from you that his transgression will not be held against him and that he can be forgiven and your life together can move on. However, while he has had all this time to circle around in his head, for you it JUST NOW happened. Your world just imploded. This is still too fresh. He wants a clean conscience; you need time to absorb the shock. When you can feel, consider how it feels: like you've been stabbed? shot? kicked in the gut? Assigning a physical feeling to your emotional pain will help. When he gets impatient with you because you can't process all this and forgive him as quickly as he'd like--remind him you arrived at this particular party a month later than he did. You will go through all the stages of grieving the relationship you thought you had. With hard work, luck and remembering why he's been your best friend all these years, there is a good chance you both will come out stronger in the end. And then if he can't behave, think Bobbitt. I hope you guys come out ok. > > Hi all! I haven't posted for a while, but some of you may recall some of my previous posts outlining the struggles I've had this past year with my BPD nada. Just a short recap - Nada attempted suicide last November, which resulted in her hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of BPD with narcissistic tendencies as well as Dependent PD. The past 10 months have been a rollercoaster ride for me, as you know. If anything good came out of all it it though, it was that I got back into therapy. I've made tremendous progress in a short time, went NC with nada back in May, and for the first time in my life began to experience a feeling of freedom that I never had before. Things were really beginning to look up - or so I thought. > > But, as I've experienced so many times before in my life, when things are going along really great, well, then the bottom falls out from under me. Two nights ago, it happened again - I was totally broadsided. I picked up DD from school as I do each day. When we pulled into the driveway, I saw DH's truck there. It was very unusual for him to be home from work so early. As soon as we walked in, he met me at the door with a very somber look on his face and said, " We have to talk " . We went into the bedroom and shut the door for privacy. Then, he dropped the bomb. He said, " I've been unfaithful to you " . > > I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I felt like he had just taken a knife and plunged it right into my heart. I just sat there speechless. He told me he was sorry, that it only happened one time, and that it didn't mean anything to him. Over the past few days, he has filled in more details. Apparently, this was a very random thing. It wasn't planned. He didn't even know the woman. He said that she approached him. From the sound of it, she does this for a living if you know what I mean. Not only did he have sex with this random streetwalker, but he may have contracted a disease from her. He said it happened about a month ago, and he has been sick with a virus for a few weeks now. He went to the doctor, and they gave him a shot for STD's, but he's worried that it may be more serious - like HIV. > > I'm still reeling from the shock of all of this. I feel completely numb now - like I'm just going through the motions every day. I just wish the earth would open up and swallow me. I'm trying to pretend like everything is normal as best I can for our daughter's sake, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I've spent the past 2 mornings in my T's office just trying to make some sense of it all. She has helped me to come to grips with the fact that it is not about me at all. It is about demons that he is fighting inside his head. He quite possibly has a sexual addiction, or it could be even more than that. I do know that he had a very dysfunctional childhood. I don't know if either of his parents had a PD, but they were certainly not healthy parents at all, and were in fact, very abusive. He has told me just bits and pieces of things that he can remember. Like me, he has *blacked out* big parts of his memory from childhood. > > He wants reassurance from me that I'm not going to leave him over this. I did tell him that I still love him and I'm not going anywhere. At least for the time being. However, I did give him an ultimatim that he needs to go get counseling to deal with whatever issues are going on. I made it clear that this is something he has to do for himself, and that I'm not going to wait around forever. > > > I feel so lost and empty now. He was the one constant in my life. He was/is my best friend. He has stood by me through some really bad times in my life and through this whole MESS with nada. I felt like he was my rock. He was the one person I could always count on to be there for me and I saw him as my protector. But, I don't feel safe anymore. I feel betrayed, and I wonder how many more secrets does he have that I don't know about? I don't think I can take one more thing right now. I mean really, after all I've been through, WHY NOW??? > > Sorry for rambling. I'm just hurting so much right now. Thanks for *listening*. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 Honey, you just haven't found your mad yet. Or you don't believe you are entitled to feel mad. That would be typical of a KO. > > Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of support. Even though I know that DH has serious issues he needs to deal with and that his behavior is just a symptom of a much larger problem, I still can't help but wonder if it did have something to do with me. I have been going through so much this past year in dealing with my own issues with nada, and I feel that I haven't been able to really be there for him in the way he needs me to be. I have had to lean on him quite a bit, and there have been periods where I have needed space and I know I seemed distant. Maybe I have been TOO needy. Maybe he felt abandoned by me. I know my T would be banging her head up against the wall if she heard me say that one more time. It's just hard not to feel responsible in some way. After all, I am a KO. I was raised to be responsible for everyone else. > > Funny thing is that even though I'm the victim here, I find myself being loving and supportive of him. I spent about an hour last night reassuring him that he was still loved, and I understood he had demons from childhood, and I support his decision to get into therapy. On and on, it was ME soothing HIS feelings - not the other way around. Isn't that so KO? > > I know there are some people out there that wouldn't understand that. I should be angry as HELL at him, but I can't be. All I can feel right now is pity for him. He has been carrying around guilt and shame since childhood. He told me last night, he is tired of carrying it. He is tired of living a lie and pretending all the time. He wants to be free. I can so identify with that. I've been there. I'm still there. I've watched him struggle for years, and I've been after him for years to get into therapy. He's been to a few counseling sessions with me, but it was in support for me and my issues with nada. He's okay with it as long as the focus is not on him. Maybe this was something that had to happen to finally get him to realize he needs to deal with his stuff and stop pretending not to see the elephant in the room. I just wish to HELL it didn't have to come to this. > > Anyway, he took the initiative and found a therapist. He has his first appointment on Monday. He realizes this is a journey he has to take alone, but he's scared. Now, I need to find some way to take care of ME. I thank God for this group and the amazing people here. I feel the love. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 ((((((((((Oh Honey,)))))))))))) I'm so, so, sorry this has happened. ly, I don't know how men walk around those things ! Seems like the darn things are always getting them into trouble. .. I know this is a terribly rough time, just in case you *need* a safe place to experience those feelings Mia was talking about, you, and your family will, I'm sure, be held in a cocoon of light and love, in all our thoughts and prayers, where it will be safe to experience all of your truths. A call girl I once knew said that men sometimes seek out sex, as an odd way of seeking forgiveness, or solace, when their inner demons become too loud, or internal angst becomes unbearable. In those situations, the act is less about sex, love, or connecting, and more about comforting a frightened inner child, staunching grief and pain, or subduing some seemingly overwhelming internal chaos. It seems to be easier with a stranger, who isn't real, who doesn't care, and thus with whom no face has been lost. The professional girls learn to recognize " the look " of a distressed male, and ply their trade accordingly. My prayer for you, and your family, is that all that is good, and strong, and true, in each of you , rises up, and enfolds you, in strength, in truth, in forgiveness, for yourselves, as well as each other, that your wisdom and strengths rise up in you to ask the hard questions, and hear the answers in your hearts. May you all be healthy, may you all be whole. > PS - it has NOTHING to do with you, even if he says it does. No no no. > You're not responsible for his actions, only he is. So if he does ever > say > it's because of you, nope. Sorry, that doesn't fly. > > I understand you feeling a need/want to love & support him, and if that is > really what you want to do by all means do it! But please do not forget to > love & support yourself too. > > I know from my own perspective, I had a LOT of issues when it came to > feeling angry... I just didn't. I was never allowed to be as a kid, but as > I began to heal, I started learning about anger and healthy ways to feel it > & deal with it. It's really ok for you to be angry now. You can be angry > AND supportive if you chose, but don't just quash your own emotions. Take > care of you too. So whatever you feel, please remember you're allowed. > > Not that I'm anyone important or significant, but maybe it would help if > someone gave you permission? If that's the case, then I give you > permission > to feel whatever emotion/s come up with all of this. I also give you > permission to grieve. > > Might sound stupid, but someone did that for me once. It was strangely > helpful. > > Mia > > On Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 1:51 PM, juspeachyinga <tandm0714@... > >wrote: > > > > > > > Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of support. Even though I > > know that DH has serious issues he needs to deal with and that his > behavior > > is just a symptom of a much larger problem, I still can't help but wonder > if > > it did have something to do with me. I have been going through so much > this > > past year in dealing with my own issues with nada, and I feel that I > haven't > > been able to really be there for him in the way he needs me to be. I have > > had to lean on him quite a bit, and there have been periods where I have > > needed space and I know I seemed distant. Maybe I have been TOO needy. > Maybe > > he felt abandoned by me. I know my T would be banging her head up against > > the wall if she heard me say that one more time. It's just hard not to > feel > > responsible in some way. After all, I am a KO. I was raised to be > > responsible for everyone else. > > > > Funny thing is that even though I'm the victim here, I find myself being > > loving and supportive of him. I spent about an hour last night reassuring > > him that he was still loved, and I understood he had demons from > childhood, > > and I support his decision to get into therapy. On and on, it was ME > > soothing HIS feelings - not the other way around. Isn't that so KO? > > > > I know there are some people out there that wouldn't understand that. I > > should be angry as HELL at him, but I can't be. All I can feel right now > is > > pity for him. He has been carrying around guilt and shame since > childhood. > > He told me last night, he is tired of carrying it. He is tired of living > a > > lie and pretending all the time. He wants to be free. I can so identify > with > > that. I've been there. I'm still there. I've watched him struggle for > years, > > and I've been after him for years to get into therapy. He's been to a few > > counseling sessions with me, but it was in support for me and my issues > with > > nada. He's okay with it as long as the focus is not on him. Maybe this > was > > something that had to happen to finally get him to realize he needs to > deal > > with his stuff and stop pretending not to see the elephant in the room. I > > just wish to HELL it didn't have to come to this. > > > > Anyway, he took the initiative and found a therapist. He has his first > > appointment on Monday. He realizes this is a journey he has to take > alone, > > but he's scared. Now, I need to find some way to take care of ME. I thank > > God for this group and the amazing people here. I feel the love. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 > > I also feel the need to add that both of you should get HIV tested, > especially if you have been intimate since this happened. Vague " viral > illness " type symptoms are usually what occur shortly after becoming > infected. * I AM NOT* trying to scare you though! But I think it is > important that both of you can put your mind at ease. Because I'm sure that > question, " could I have HIV? " is adding even more stress to your life. > You're right, Mia. I haven't really thought about getting myself tested. Probably because up until this past August, we hadn't had sex for over 2 YEARS. Still, he told me that the incident in question happened AFTER we had sex in August, and we haven't had sex since. But, I feel like I can't trust anything he tells me now. He told me that he had even considered not telling me at all because he knew how hurt I would be....WTF???? If you knew I would be hurt, then why the HELL did you do it in the first place? So what, were you just going to wait until I got sick, and THEN tell me??? UGH! Getting off of the subject again, sorry! I am going to make an appointment today to go get tested so I can ease my mind. Thanks, Mia! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 Yes! I totally agree. As a child, I also was never allowed to show anger. Anger was BAD. So, I learned how to stuff it all down inside, and I have battled depression for most of my adult life as a result. And as for giving me *permission* to be angry and to grieve, I really needed to hear that today. Thanks again, Mia! You're an angel! > > > > > > > Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of support. Even though I > > know that DH has serious issues he needs to deal with and that his behavior > > is just a symptom of a much larger problem, I still can't help but wonder if > > it did have something to do with me. I have been going through so much this > > past year in dealing with my own issues with nada, and I feel that I haven't > > been able to really be there for him in the way he needs me to be. I have > > had to lean on him quite a bit, and there have been periods where I have > > needed space and I know I seemed distant. Maybe I have been TOO needy. Maybe > > he felt abandoned by me. I know my T would be banging her head up against > > the wall if she heard me say that one more time. It's just hard not to feel > > responsible in some way. After all, I am a KO. I was raised to be > > responsible for everyone else. > > > > Funny thing is that even though I'm the victim here, I find myself being > > loving and supportive of him. I spent about an hour last night reassuring > > him that he was still loved, and I understood he had demons from childhood, > > and I support his decision to get into therapy. On and on, it was ME > > soothing HIS feelings - not the other way around. Isn't that so KO? > > > > I know there are some people out there that wouldn't understand that. I > > should be angry as HELL at him, but I can't be. All I can feel right now is > > pity for him. He has been carrying around guilt and shame since childhood. > > He told me last night, he is tired of carrying it. He is tired of living a > > lie and pretending all the time. He wants to be free. I can so identify with > > that. I've been there. I'm still there. I've watched him struggle for years, > > and I've been after him for years to get into therapy. He's been to a few > > counseling sessions with me, but it was in support for me and my issues with > > nada. He's okay with it as long as the focus is not on him. Maybe this was > > something that had to happen to finally get him to realize he needs to deal > > with his stuff and stop pretending not to see the elephant in the room. I > > just wish to HELL it didn't have to come to this. > > > > Anyway, he took the initiative and found a therapist. He has his first > > appointment on Monday. He realizes this is a journey he has to take alone, > > but he's scared. Now, I need to find some way to take care of ME. I thank > > God for this group and the amazing people here. I feel the love. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 You're so kind. Thank you. > > > > > > > > > > > Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of support. Even though I > > > know that DH has serious issues he needs to deal with and that his > > behavior > > > is just a symptom of a much larger problem, I still can't help but wonder > > if > > > it did have something to do with me. I have been going through so much > > this > > > past year in dealing with my own issues with nada, and I feel that I > > haven't > > > been able to really be there for him in the way he needs me to be. I have > > > had to lean on him quite a bit, and there have been periods where I have > > > needed space and I know I seemed distant. Maybe I have been TOO needy. > > Maybe > > > he felt abandoned by me. I know my T would be banging her head up against > > > the wall if she heard me say that one more time. It's just hard not to > > feel > > > responsible in some way. After all, I am a KO. I was raised to be > > > responsible for everyone else. > > > > > > Funny thing is that even though I'm the victim here, I find myself being > > > loving and supportive of him. I spent about an hour last night reassuring > > > him that he was still loved, and I understood he had demons from > > childhood, > > > and I support his decision to get into therapy. On and on, it was ME > > > soothing HIS feelings - not the other way around. Isn't that so KO? > > > > > > I know there are some people out there that wouldn't understand that. I > > > should be angry as HELL at him, but I can't be. All I can feel right now > > is > > > pity for him. He has been carrying around guilt and shame since > > childhood. > > > He told me last night, he is tired of carrying it. He is tired of living > > a > > > lie and pretending all the time. He wants to be free. I can so identify > > with > > > that. I've been there. I'm still there. I've watched him struggle for > > years, > > > and I've been after him for years to get into therapy. He's been to a few > > > counseling sessions with me, but it was in support for me and my issues > > with > > > nada. He's okay with it as long as the focus is not on him. Maybe this > > was > > > something that had to happen to finally get him to realize he needs to > > deal > > > with his stuff and stop pretending not to see the elephant in the room. I > > > just wish to HELL it didn't have to come to this. > > > > > > Anyway, he took the initiative and found a therapist. He has his first > > > appointment on Monday. He realizes this is a journey he has to take > > alone, > > > but he's scared. Now, I need to find some way to take care of ME. I thank > > > God for this group and the amazing people here. I feel the love. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 Wow, echobabe! You are so right! Thanks for the validation. Now that you and Mia have given me *permission* to be mad, I think I feel a rant coming on....LOL! > > Honey, you just haven't found your mad yet. Or you don't believe you are entitled to feel mad. That would be typical of a KO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 >> My DH is a sex addict as well as an alcoholic. He never was unfaithful physically, but left the marriage emotionally lots of times (porn, work, alcohol). It is always a shock when we find the ones we trust the most have a secret life that excludes our needs (or in your case, may have put you in physical jeopardy). I was devastated, but then so much started finally making sense--I had always wondered why he wasn't there for me. Echobabe, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that as well. I'm realizing now that my DH was never really *there* for me either when it came to intimacy. Our marriage has everything else going for it though. We truly love and respect each other, and like I said, we are best friends. But, we never really connected in the bedroom. I told myself it was just because he wasn't one of those guys who didn't know how to be romantic, but deep down, I knew it was much more serious than that. Still, I rationalized it away and told myself that it was only a small thing, and it didn't matter because the rest of our marriage was great. A lot of things are making sense to me now. We have been married for 11 years, but not *together* for all 11 because DH was in the Navy. During the first 8 years of our marriage, he was deployed 4 times. So, the sexual problems didn't really surface until he retired in '08. But, I still knew things weren't right between us. I have caught him surfing porn on the internet several times during the course of our marriage. Once, I caught him masturbating, and I got angry because we hadn't had sex in a LONG time. I couldn't understand how he could do THAT, but he didn't seem the least bit interested in doing ME, his loving, faithful wife. Whenever we did have sex, it felt wierd and cold, kind of forced. He showed no emotion and wouldn't even look at me. It was over in like 5 min. and then he would get up and go watch TV. I was always left unfulfilled and empty, but afraid to say anything to him. He acknowledged that he had " performance problems " and was very self-conscious about it. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make things worse, so I suffered in silence. I understand that all couples have *dry spells* in their sex lives, but we had a *dry spell* that lasted 2-1/2 YEARS. That's not normal! I confronted him about it a year ago, and told him I thought we needed some therapy. But, he got defensive and angry, so I dropped it. You can't force someone to go to therapy. I did think about leaving him, but I don't know where I would go. I got laid off from my job last summer, and I've been unemployed ever since. The unemployment rate in our area is around 10.5%. Despite desperately searching, I have not been able to find another job, and my unemployment assistance just ran out, so right now, I'm 100% financially dependent on him. Despite that though, I really don't want to leave. I still love him very much, and I know he loves me. I feel like we have so much going for us that is worth saving. I made it perfectly clear to him though, that he has to do his part, and I won't wait around forever. I'm willing to go to couples counseling when the time is right, but he has a LOT of work to do on his own first. I guess time will tell. Anyway, thanks for being so candid and sharing your experience with me. I'm so glad that you were able through a lot of hard work to save your marriage. It gives me hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Yep, definite intimacy issues here. I, too, found my DH in similar circumstances one day--my reaction was, ok, lets do this. And he couldn't, he was ashamed. That was the first time I realized it wasn't my problem--it was him. I can't tell you the years I was alone in my bed wanting him but he wasn't interested. What was sad is that when he was there for me, the sex was wonderful. I, too, thought it was a normal cycle of marriage thing. Once I realized it wasn't me, I got pissed. For all the wasted years of my life when I didn't have my needs met, yet he always made sure he was good. Jerk. I can also tell you that I love the jerk, and he's my best friend, too. Therapy worked really well for him. He let go of childhood shame and is not an intimacy avoider any longer. I took a lot of work, for both of us. So it can be done. Feel free to email me off list if you ever want to discuss SA in depth, or just need a friendly ear who has been there, done that. > >> My DH is a sex addict as well as an alcoholic. He never was unfaithful physically, but left the marriage emotionally lots of times (porn, work, alcohol). It is always a shock when we find the ones we trust the most have a secret life that excludes our needs (or in your case, may have put you in physical jeopardy). I was devastated, but then so much started finally making sense--I had always wondered why he wasn't there for me. > > Echobabe, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that as well. I'm realizing now that my DH was never really *there* for me either when it came to intimacy. Our marriage has everything else going for it though. We truly love and respect each other, and like I said, we are best friends. But, we never really connected in the bedroom. I told myself it was just because he wasn't one of those guys who didn't know how to be romantic, but deep down, I knew it was much more serious than that. Still, I rationalized it away and told myself that it was only a small thing, and it didn't matter because the rest of our marriage was great. > > A lot of things are making sense to me now. We have been married for 11 years, but not *together* for all 11 because DH was in the Navy. During the first 8 years of our marriage, he was deployed 4 times. So, the sexual problems didn't really surface until he retired in '08. But, I still knew things weren't right between us. I have caught him surfing porn on the internet several times during the course of our marriage. Once, I caught him masturbating, and I got angry because we hadn't had sex in a LONG time. I couldn't understand how he could do THAT, but he didn't seem the least bit interested in doing ME, his loving, faithful wife. Whenever we did have sex, it felt wierd and cold, kind of forced. He showed no emotion and wouldn't even look at me. It was over in like 5 min. and then he would get up and go watch TV. I was always left unfulfilled and empty, but afraid to say anything to him. He acknowledged that he had " performance problems " and was very self-conscious about it. I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make things worse, so I suffered in silence. > > I understand that all couples have *dry spells* in their sex lives, but we had a *dry spell* that lasted 2-1/2 YEARS. That's not normal! I confronted him about it a year ago, and told him I thought we needed some therapy. But, he got defensive and angry, so I dropped it. You can't force someone to go to therapy. > > I did think about leaving him, but I don't know where I would go. I got laid off from my job last summer, and I've been unemployed ever since. The unemployment rate in our area is around 10.5%. Despite desperately searching, I have not been able to find another job, and my unemployment assistance just ran out, so right now, I'm 100% financially dependent on him. Despite that though, I really don't want to leave. I still love him very much, and I know he loves me. I feel like we have so much going for us that is worth saving. I made it perfectly clear to him though, that he has to do his part, and I won't wait around forever. I'm willing to go to couples counseling when the time is right, but he has a LOT of work to do on his own first. I guess time will tell. > > Anyway, thanks for being so candid and sharing your experience with me. I'm so glad that you were able through a lot of hard work to save your marriage. It gives me hope. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Thanks again echobabe for sharing your experience with me. It does help to know that there are others out there who have been there and came through it. I'm so glad you guys were able to work it out. Thanks also for the offer to contact you off-list. I think that would be more comfortable for me, and probably more appropriate as well since this subject is a little off-topic for this group. I still need some time to process all of this, but it's good to know the offer is open. I wish you much happiness and continued healing in your journey through Oz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 You're not off subject at all IMO. It's your health you're talking about: Physical as well as emotional. I think it's perfectly understandable to question anything he says right now. A huge rift has been made in your relationship & trust. So sure, both of you being tested is an option. Also, I can't remember if I mentioned this in the other post or not, but you might want to check for any HIV or AIDS non-profit type organizations in your area. They usually offer free testing. I did a paper on a fantastic AIDS group in my local area for my OB class and had honestly no idea they did free tests, she told me she didn't know of an organization who didn't offer them free. I think that's awesome. Anyway, wishing you lots of luck and peace. And we are here for you! *HUGS* Mia On Fri, Sep 23, 2011 at 9:35 AM, juspeachyinga wrote: > > You're right, Mia. I haven't really thought about getting myself tested. > Probably because up until this past August, we hadn't had sex for over 2 > YEARS. Still, he told me that the incident in question happened AFTER we had > sex in August, and we haven't had sex since. But, I feel like I can't trust > anything he tells me now. He told me that he had even considered not telling > me at all because he knew how hurt I would be....WTF???? If you knew I would > be hurt, then why the HELL did you do it in the first place? So what, were > you just going to wait until I got sick, and THEN tell me??? > > UGH! Getting off of the subject again, sorry! I am going to make an > appointment today to go get tested so I can ease my mind. Thanks, Mia! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Aw shucks you're too kind. And you're very welcome. Mia On Fri, Sep 23, 2011 at 9:44 AM, juspeachyinga wrote: > > > Yes! I totally agree. As a child, I also was never allowed to show anger. > Anger was BAD. So, I learned how to stuff it all down inside, and I have > battled depression for most of my adult life as a result. > > And as for giving me *permission* to be angry and to grieve, I really > needed to hear that today. Thanks again, Mia! You're an angel! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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