Re: An Introduction -

September 5, 2001

Hi . First and foremost, I'm so sorry for your loss. My ep was

in my tube, so I can't answer any of your questions.

Something you wrote in your intro hit home with me. You said " If I'm not

trying, then I can't fail. But then I won't have a baby that way either. "

I have had that same thought over and over again since this happened. I've

decided on one thing...should I ever get pg again and were it to be ectopic

or a miscarriage, I don't think I would ever want to try again. This whole

ordeal has been much too painful, both physically and mentally, and I don't

think I'm quite strong enough to bounce back from it a second time and still

have hope. But, then again, if I go that route, I won't ever have a baby

that's mine, now will I?

Just some thoughts because above all, I wanted you to know you're not alone

in your thinking and feelings.

~Kim

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September 5, 2001

Kim & ,

I just wanted to comment on your conversation, as much of it reminded

me of my own experiences. After my 1st ep, I was so angry at my body.

I felt as if it had rebelled on me, not allowing me to have the one

thing I so desired. Then when I got pg accidentally on the 2nd cycle

after, I thought I had some hope and maybe fate was fixing things for

me. When that turned out to be an ep, too, I did not think I would

survive . . .AND I thought for sure I'd never be able to have another

child. Even If I could physically, would I be emotionally prepared

for yet another loss? Time passed and I found this group . . . and

met some wonderful women who had been through multiple losses yet

still went on to have a successful pg. I know had 5 losses, and

then conceived her daughter from the " bad " side. Stories like that

gave me hope. I waited six cycles after the surgery to ttc . . . now

I'm 9w pg. I think the pg happened after I quit asking why, and just

had faith that it would happen, even if more losses came first.

Not sure if this helped--but I thought I'd share.

Take Care,

DeeAnn

I've

> decided on one thing...should I ever get pg again and were it to be

ectopic

> or a miscarriage, I don't think I would ever want to try again.

This whole

> ordeal has been much too painful, both physically and mentally, and

I don't

> think I'm quite strong enough to bounce back from it a second time

and still

> have hope. But, then again, if I go that route, I won't ever have a

baby

> that's mine, now will I?

September 6, 2001

,

I'm so sorry for your experience. I know it was hard enough to find decent

information about ectopic pregnancies and pseudo-sac's (which is what I had

with my tubal ectopic) so I can imagine the frustration you are going thru

trying to find out on anything on, as you said, and even rarer type of

ectopic.

This is the best place to be - if anyone knows the answer to your questions,

it will be someone from here.

Please vent and talk and cry on here as much as you like. It's probably the

only place you can where everyone knows what you mean.

Good luck in finding your answers,

(((((hugs)))))

~Maree

shara @ cutey.com

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An Introduction

Hi everyone,

My name is , and I got to spend 6 hours of my July 31st

birthday in the emergency room with my ectopic pregnancy. From what

I've read from the website and this list (thanks so much, Krista) and

other sources, except for the birthday thing I was lucky--for someone

with an ectopic pregnancy, that is. I didn't rupture and they were

able to treat me with Methotrexate, so I didn't have to have surgery.

Funny, though, I don't feel too lucky.

My story ended up being pretty long when I wrote it out, so I'm

sending it to Krista for posting on the site under " 's story " .

The basics are that I had what seemed like a normal pregnancy until

about 8 weeks. I had a little pain (not really crampy) and a very

tiny amount of bleeding (it didn't even get out of my vagina) and

felt generally awful on 7/26, so after reading several different

books I decided to call the midwife. At this point the midwife was a

stranger, since I had only made my first appointment that morning,

and I wouldn't have had my first pregnancy appointment until 3 weeks

after I took the Methotrexate.

A ranting aside: How are you supposed to pick a health care provider

while keeping your pregnancy secret in case there's a problem?

Actually I don't think I would keep it secret having gone through

this; I think I'd rather people DID know, so they would have some

time to get excited too and might share a little of my

disappointment. I NEED to talk about it, so having people ask would

be GOOD. Painful, but good. Also, what is the deal with not having

your first prenatal appointment until 10 or 12 weeks! We all know

that in some cases that is WAY too late. And even in a normal

pregnancy, there is so much you can do wrong during the first

trimester. And what about all the questions?!! Somehow the fact that

next time (if there is one) I'll get early attention is not much

consolation, though.

Anyway, back to the brief version of the story. The midwife was

reassuring, but was able to get me in on 7/30. When we got to the

physical exam part of the first appointment she said my uterus was

kind of small. They have an ultrasound in the office, so she looked

and then the doctor looked and there was nothing in the uterus (or

anywhere else that they could see, except a (probably normal) cyst on

my left ovary). At that point even though she said it might be

possible that I wasn't as far along as I thought or I had miscarried,

neither of those seemed at all likely. So I was pretty sure we were

looking at an ectopic. They did an HCG test and told me to come back

after 2 days for another test and then they'd know the results on

Thursday (this being Monday). The first night of waiting was

excruciating, and the next day was my birthday. I think partly my

body may have increased the pain to spare me the torture of waiting.

At any rate the pain got bad for awhile that afternoon and I was sent

to the ER, where they did a color Doppler ultrasound which still

showed nothing except increased blood flow to my right ovary. So, the

operating assumption is that my ectopic was ovarian. Eventually (5

hours later) a doctor came and treated me with Methotrexate. The

midwife had mentioned this treatment option the day before, and I'm

really glad she did because I had collected a lot of information

about ectopics and Methotrexate (I'm a librarian, fanatical research

is an occupational hazard.) and so was able to feel in control of

that at least.

Anyway, the 7/30 beta-HCG was 10,000, and on 7/31 the same. On day 4

it was up to 12,000, which is pretty common, but frustrating. On day

7, though, it was down to 8,500 and the OB I saw in the ER let me go

on a delayed trip we had planned. When I got back I got another HCG

and in 9 days it had dropped from 8,500 to 139, which was reassuring.

The next week, though, it only went down to 31, and week after that

to 12. I'm now officially sick of this and just want it OVER, so I

can get on with putting myself back together and deciding where to go

from here.

The ovarian ectopic thing is really frustrating. Because it is so

rare (no more than 1.5% of ectopics and 1/2500-1/4000 pregnancies)

there is almost no information out there about it. Combine that with

the fact that I was treated with Methotrexate (previous treatment had

mostly been removing the ovary), and the chance of finding any kind

of precedents for my risk of future fertility impairment or (worse)

future ectopics becomes vanishingly small.

My biggest question, of course, is why this happened and what the

chances are of its happening again. See, I'm a very emotional person,

but also a very logical thinker. I really need facts so I can use my

logical side to reassure the more emotional part (which is still

freaking out right now). Unfortunately there aren't many (any?) facts

to be had on what might cause an embryo to go backwards out of the

fallopian tube. And we don't even know if that is what happened; it

may possibly have been fertilized before being released from the

ovary. Actually we don't even know it was ovarian: because they

didn't have to do surgery, all we have is increased blood flow around

my right ovary as viewed on the color Doppler ultrasound to go by-

that and the fact that they didn't see anything anywhere else. The

more I look into it the more questions I have. For instance, a couple

places mention that abnormal levels of progesterone may be a factor

in problems of fallopian transport, but they don't know nearly enough

about it to say what levels of progesterone might indicate a

problem-

much less to test for it.

Neither my midwife (who had an ectopic herself, as well as PID, a

healthy child through IVF, etc.) nor the doctor who is following the

ectopic (because she treated me in the emergency room) say they would

suggest an HSG test in my case because: 1)It's not really fun to have

the test, 2)It costs a fair amount of money (which my insurance

probably wouldn't cover), 3)they don't think my situation really

calls for it because since it wasn't tubal and I have no known

predispositions for ectopic pregnancy (other than having had this

one) there isn't too much reason to think there is any tubal damage--

basically they are calling this a fluke.

Still, though, I'm kind of scared and don't want to go through this

again. And I'm still confused about what happened. Everyone keeps

telling me that my chances for having a normal pregnancy are really

good. Well, excuse me, but they were an awful lot better this time

and I still had one, so I'm not all that reassured. Part of me wants

to try again right away and just put this behind me. And if it worked

just fine right away then I suppose it would be very healing. But if

I don't get pregnant soon, or if I have another ectopic, then I'll

still be so fragile from this time that I'm afraid I couldn't take

it. If I'm not trying, then I can't fail. But then I won't have a

baby that way either.

Have any of you had an ectopic that wasn't in the tube? What were you

able to find out about it? Are there any kinds of tests that any of

you have heard of that you think might make sense?

Love and hugs to all of you...

-

September 6, 2001

Hi Kim,

Yes, I in that same boat. I, too, wonder if I could take it again,

especially right away. The rational part of me says that we both

could/would do it if we had to, but then, the rational part isn't the

main part of me that would have to deal with it, now is it?!

And as you suggest, trying again after twice? I don't even want to

think about it. The ob said she wouldn't recommend the HSG " unless,

of course you have a second one. " ARRGGHHH! And she said it so

cheerfully, too (okay, maybe not really, maybe that was just in

comparison to how >I< felt when she said that).

-

> Hi . First and foremost, I'm so sorry for your loss. My

ep was

> in my tube, so I can't answer any of your questions.

>

> Something you wrote in your intro hit home with me. You said " If

I'm not

> trying, then I can't fail. But then I won't have a baby that way

either. "

>

> I have had that same thought over and over again since this

happened. I've

> decided on one thing...should I ever get pg again and were it to be

ectopic

> or a miscarriage, I don't think I would ever want to try again.

This whole

> ordeal has been much too painful, both physically and mentally, and

I don't

> think I'm quite strong enough to bounce back from it a second time

and still

> have hope. But, then again, if I go that route, I won't ever have

a baby

> that's mine, now will I?

>

> Just some thoughts because above all, I wanted you to know you're

not alone

> in your thinking and feelings.

>

> ~Kim

>

> _______________________________________________________

> Send a cool gift with your E-Card

> http://www.bluemountain.com/giftcenter/

September 6, 2001

DeeAnn,

Did I ever congratulate you on being pg? For some reason I thought you were

further along that 9 weeks. I'm sorry if I've overlooked your exciting

(relatively new) news!

I have to add you to the growing pg list that I am trying to keep a track

of!

Anyway that is fantastic news DeeAnn , sorry again to have missed you...

(((@)))