Got me from the grave

September 21, 2011

My severely bpd 91-yr old mother died last month. I thought 2 things: finally,

her demons will stop chasing her, and our hideous relationship is over - she can

never hurt me again. Boy, did I underestimate her! She left a 2-page, single

spaced hate letter for me, in which she directed me to read it in its entirety.

I only read several sentences, but it was enough to boil my blood. It was so

vile, so venomous, so disgusting, that I couldn't shred that sucker fast enough.

Thank the goddess above that I didn't read the whole thing! How duped I felt.

I had read 3 books about bpd mothers and non-bpd adult children; I was trying to

gain understanding of her demons and our situation. I went to her funeral in

peace. But she couldn't bury the hatchet or just go out in peace. Oh no. She

had to stab me one last time. In that one letter, I lost all of the compassion

that I had found for her. All I feel is anger, and have the unbelievable

realization that she despised me, her own daughter, to the very end. Bpd or no

bpd, how can that be?! It is not natural for a mother to despise her child.

Her reality was so far from the truth, so narcissistic, such a martyr, such a

blamer -- and she had no concern for how I felt, or never even entertained the

idea that maybe she was wrong. And she coudn't have been more hurtful in her

death. You know, she reaped what she sewed - she pushed me away, wrote hate

mail in all of my birthday cards, and then wondered why I no longer called or

visited. And why would I? So I could be her doormat? No, many years of

therapy later, I was able to do what was better for me - just stay away - no

matter how I longed to have a good relationship or a real mother. So to return

for her funeral, and to have her take that final jab, ooooooo...that really

hurt. But I can't let her " win " . I can't stay angry. I have to get her ghost

out of my system. I have to know that she can never, ever hurt me again. So I

have to get over this one last assault, and cleanse my system. And so I thank

you for having this forum so that I may vent and work on getting these emotions

out. Thank you.

September 23, 2011

Welcome to the Group " S " .

I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. Maybe you can take comfort in the

knowledge that you are not the only one who has experienced this " from the

grave " kind of hostile behavior from a mentally ill parent. But I have to say

that leaving you such a vitriolic letter to read after her death was quite

spectacularly cruel and sadistic, since it left you with no way to give her your

personal response.

I belong to several support groups for the adult survivors of mentally ill,

abusive parents, and this or very similar experiences are posted about from time

to time. It often takes the form of the disturbed parent having promised to be

generous in his or her last will only for the adult child survivor to discover

after the parent's death that there is no will, or that the adult child survivor

has been left out of the will entirely, or left almost nothing, or left with

debts to pay out of the estate that the estate is (sometimes) insufficient to

pay.

My own personal opinion is that such Witch-like behavior in a parent toward

their child is due to psychopathy: the deepest end of the personality-disorder

pool. For psychopaths, its all about " winning " . They don't have any empathy

or compassion for others, not even for their own child. They feel entitled to

mistreat, use and abuse their child, perhaps simply out of boredom. They resent

having to care for a child and yet feel their child owes them a life-long debt

of gratitude.

So, I wish you a great and thorough psychic cleansing of the toxic residue of

that letter. You did not deserve it, you didn't deserve to be abused by your

mother your whole life, you did not make your mother mentally ill, and letting

your memories of her dissolve into oblivion so that she cannot be an active part

of your daily life any longer is about the most self-affirming and cleansing

thing you can do.

My best wishes for finding peace and healing to you,

-Annie

>

> My severely bpd 91-yr old mother died last month. I thought 2 things:

finally, her demons will stop chasing her, and our hideous relationship is over

- she can never hurt me again. Boy, did I underestimate her! She left a

2-page, single spaced hate letter for me, in which she directed me to read it in

its entirety. I only read several sentences, but it was enough to boil my

blood. It was so vile, so venomous, so disgusting, that I couldn't shred that

sucker fast enough. Thank the goddess above that I didn't read the whole thing!

How duped I felt. I had read 3 books about bpd mothers and non-bpd adult

children; I was trying to gain understanding of her demons and our situation. I

went to her funeral in peace. But she couldn't bury the hatchet or just go out

in peace. Oh no. She had to stab me one last time. In that one letter, I lost

all of the compassion that I had found for her. All I feel is anger, and have

the unbelievable realization that she despised me, her own daughter, to the very

end. Bpd or no bpd, how can that be?! It is not natural for a mother to

despise her child. Her reality was so far from the truth, so narcissistic, such

a martyr, such a blamer -- and she had no concern for how I felt, or never even

entertained the idea that maybe she was wrong. And she coudn't have been more

hurtful in her death. You know, she reaped what she sewed - she pushed me away,

wrote hate mail in all of my birthday cards, and then wondered why I no longer

called or visited. And why would I? So I could be her doormat? No, many years

of therapy later, I was able to do what was better for me - just stay away - no

matter how I longed to have a good relationship or a real mother. So to return

for her funeral, and to have her take that final jab, ooooooo...that really

hurt. But I can't let her " win " . I can't stay angry. I have to get her ghost

out of my system. I have to know that she can never, ever hurt me again. So I

have to get over this one last assault, and cleanse my system. And so I thank

you for having this forum so that I may vent and work on getting these emotions

out. Thank you.

>

September 23, 2011

Thank you for your reponse. I'm not sure why " misery loves company " , but it

does help to know that she wasn't the first bpd mother to do this. It's just

such a sick thing to do that I gasp at the thought. And yes, she did mess with

the will, too. Basically left me nothing worth anything, while the " good child "

got everything. However, I did expect that, so, while adding to hurt, it was

not such a shock as that letter was.

Another thing you mentioned was about the " child owes them a life-long debt of

gratitude " . Even with good therapy and a lot of work on my part to rid myself

of the guilt she laid on me, I still have trouble with this one. How could I

ever show gratitude when every day was a battle of ridiculous accusations,

revisionist history, and general crazy-making? And yet, the few good memories I

have, I would have liked to share them with her, with gratitude. But that was

impossible. I am a spiritual person, and I had hoped the funeral could have

been a spiritual experience between us. But I let my guard down, figuring that

" it " was over, only to be pelted once again. So that is something I feel was

left undone.

Thanks again for your kind words. They mean a lot.

> >

> > My severely bpd 91-yr old mother died last month. I thought 2 things: