I always think of the right thing after I hang up

[Guest guest]

I have been limiting contact with my nada but never sent her any formal letters

I was doing so. Just started doing it about 3 months ago.

I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because every time I

talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to burst into tears,

which I have ignored.

My husband and I decided we no longer wanted her visiting in our home because

she feels she has the right to stay for hours on end and the last time she was

here she made a horrible scene in front of my daughter.

I have attempted to arrange something for our family to visit with her on

multiple occasions the last 2 months but unless the visit can be on her terms

(at my home, when she wants, how she wants) she finds a reason to not come. And

is still telling people I won't let her see her granddaughter.

I had told her last week we may meet this morning as we had some time. I sent

her a text last night saying we'd like to meet her for breakfast at a nearby

fast food place that had a playground.

She went livid. Told me we needed to get the breakfast and come back to my home.

I told her that wasn't possible. Then she calls me asking me 20 questions as to

what our schedule was and why she could not come to my home, where I remained

calm but just said " I'm sorry but meeting at this place is the best thing for

us " .

She went off on a tangent, telling me I constantly made time for everyone else

but her and she absolutely refused to visit her family in a restaurant or a park

because " that isn't a visit " . She then went on to say until we could have a

proper visit then she would just wait for another time. She'll be waiting a long

damn time.

She went on and on trying to rope me into the vortex but thankfully I did not

engage but told her this was not a good time for me to continue talking and I

must go and quickly hung up the phone.

Later I got mad at myself after I hung up the phone and thought that the right

response would have been: " Mom, I have made plenty of time for you. And I'm

making time right now to visit with you in the morning but you are choosing to

decline that. If you can't visit with us the way we feel comfortable visiting

than I guess you are choosing not to see us " .

My T says I need to stop blaming myself, we talked about that a lot yesterday.

But I still get pissed that I can't come up with this crap while I'm talking on

the phone to the lunatic. Guess I just answered my own question.

I don't want to write her a letter. I always chicken out putting it in the mail

and I don't want to read what she writes back.

[Guest guest]

I think you are showing an awesome amount of courage and compassion as well

toward your nada, and you have a great deal of insight about not only her bpd

behaviors and issues but your own reactions to her manipulative behaviors as

well.

Another member here had a great idea (step up and take the credit for your

idea!) about actually writing down what you want to say (that you posted below)

on an index card to read from when you speak with your nada. Keep the card with

you or by your phone, so you can have it handy to read from.

In my own opinion I think you are handling this beautifully. You have set a

reasonable boundary based on how badly your nada has behaved, and you are indeed

making her the offer of seeing and interacting with her grandchild, just on your

terms. So, you are behaving reasonably, its your nada who is determined to

break your will and give her the control back that she is used to having.

Her behavior is all about nada wanting to control you or about nada having her

own way, its not about her actually wanting to see and play with and love her

grandchild.

I think you are handling it beautifully and exhibiting " grace under fire. "

Thumb's up from me!

-Annie

>

>

> I have been limiting contact with my nada but never sent her any formal

letters I was doing so. Just started doing it about 3 months ago.

>

>

> I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because every time

I talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to burst into

tears, which I have ignored.

>

> My husband and I decided we no longer wanted her visiting in our home because

she feels she has the right to stay for hours on end and the last time she was

here she made a horrible scene in front of my daughter.

>

> I have attempted to arrange something for our family to visit with her on

multiple occasions the last 2 months but unless the visit can be on her terms

(at my home, when she wants, how she wants) she finds a reason to not come. And

is still telling people I won't let her see her granddaughter.

>

> I had told her last week we may meet this morning as we had some time. I sent

her a text last night saying we'd like to meet her for breakfast at a nearby

fast food place that had a playground.

>

> She went livid. Told me we needed to get the breakfast and come back to my

home. I told her that wasn't possible. Then she calls me asking me 20 questions

as to what our schedule was and why she could not come to my home, where I

remained calm but just said " I'm sorry but meeting at this place is the best

thing for us " .

>

> She went off on a tangent, telling me I constantly made time for everyone else

but her and she absolutely refused to visit her family in a restaurant or a park

because " that isn't a visit " . She then went on to say until we could have a

proper visit then she would just wait for another time. She'll be waiting a long

damn time.

>

> She went on and on trying to rope me into the vortex but thankfully I did not

engage but told her this was not a good time for me to continue talking and I

must go and quickly hung up the phone.

>

>

> Later I got mad at myself after I hung up the phone and thought that the right

response would have been: " Mom, I have made plenty of time for you. And I'm

making time right now to visit with you in the morning but you are choosing to

decline that. If you can't visit with us the way we feel comfortable visiting

than I guess you are choosing not to see us " .

>

> My T says I need to stop blaming myself, we talked about that a lot yesterday.

But I still get pissed that I can't come up with this crap while I'm talking on

the phone to the lunatic. Guess I just answered my own question.

>

> I don't want to write her a letter. I always chicken out putting it in the

mail and I don't want to read what she writes back.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your encouragement Annie. It was much needed. Its

interesting you used the word courage. My T kept telling me that over and over

yesterday. He called me a soldier on the front lines that was beat up and

bruised and needed to come to the hospital for a little while. Never thought of

it that way, but it helped.

I think that's a great idea to write down stuff on index cards, I am going to do

that!

You are right that her goal is not necessarily to play with her grandchild. The

last time we met in a mall, she brought my daughter a box full of junk toys and

after my daughter was through oogling over all of them, we got up to walk

through the mall. It is great fun to shop with my 3 year old because she is so

animated and such a diva in the mall and acts like she is 25. I thought my mom

would enjoy walking through the store with her.

WRONG. As soon as we left " her toy show " , she mentally checked out and ambled

through the mall staring at the ceiling and I had to repeat everything I said

twice because she was in la-la land. She missed some hysterically funny things

my daughter was saying. Her loss.

I realized then she was not interested in playing or interacting with my

daughter. Only wanted to get her ego fix off of my daughter smothering her with

attention.

> >

> >

> > I have been limiting contact with my nada but never sent her any formal

letters I was doing so. Just started doing it about 3 months ago.

> >

> >

> > I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because every

time I talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to burst into

tears, which I have ignored.

> >

> > My husband and I decided we no longer wanted her visiting in our home

because she feels she has the right to stay for hours on end and the last time

she was here she made a horrible scene in front of my daughter.

> >

> > I have attempted to arrange something for our family to visit with her on

multiple occasions the last 2 months but unless the visit can be on her terms

(at my home, when she wants, how she wants) she finds a reason to not come. And

is still telling people I won't let her see her granddaughter.

> >

> > I had told her last week we may meet this morning as we had some time. I

sent her a text last night saying we'd like to meet her for breakfast at a

nearby fast food place that had a playground.

> >

> > She went livid. Told me we needed to get the breakfast and come back to my

home. I told her that wasn't possible. Then she calls me asking me 20 questions

as to what our schedule was and why she could not come to my home, where I

remained calm but just said " I'm sorry but meeting at this place is the best

thing for us " .

> >

> > She went off on a tangent, telling me I constantly made time for everyone

else but her and she absolutely refused to visit her family in a restaurant or a

park because " that isn't a visit " . She then went on to say until we could have a

proper visit then she would just wait for another time. She'll be waiting a long

damn time.

> >

> > She went on and on trying to rope me into the vortex but thankfully I did

not engage but told her this was not a good time for me to continue talking and

I must go and quickly hung up the phone.

> >

> >

> > Later I got mad at myself after I hung up the phone and thought that the

right response would have been: " Mom, I have made plenty of time for you. And

I'm making time right now to visit with you in the morning but you are choosing

to decline that. If you can't visit with us the way we feel comfortable visiting

than I guess you are choosing not to see us " .

> >

> > My T says I need to stop blaming myself, we talked about that a lot

yesterday. But I still get pissed that I can't come up with this crap while I'm

talking on the phone to the lunatic. Guess I just answered my own question.

> >

> > I don't want to write her a letter. I always chicken out putting it in the

mail and I don't want to read what she writes back.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I second Annie's cheering on! Also, I totally understand that feeling

knowing what to say after it's too late. My therapist has practiced

conversations with me where I will play my nada giving her contrarian

rebuttals to the most non-threatening statements so I can get an idea of how

I can respond (she told me these days responding to BP statements has become

just so easy for her so it can be done). Reading the Walking on Eggshells

Workbook has also helped as it gives examples of good things to say. I am

trying to memorize a few canned responses such as " it seems you are feeling

X. I am feeling Y. " or " I can see how feeling like that would be difficult

but my answer is still no. "

Good luck I know you'll get the hang of it (and as soon as you come up with

a good response nada will switch her tactics knowing our luck >.>)

Lars

> **

>

>

>

> Thank you so much for your encouragement Annie. It was much needed. Its

> interesting you used the word courage. My T kept telling me that over and

> over yesterday. He called me a soldier on the front lines that was beat up

> and bruised and needed to come to the hospital for a little while. Never

> thought of it that way, but it helped.

>

> I think that's a great idea to write down stuff on index cards, I am going

> to do that!

>

> You are right that her goal is not necessarily to play with her grandchild.

> The last time we met in a mall, she brought my daughter a box full of junk

> toys and after my daughter was through oogling over all of them, we got up

> to walk through the mall. It is great fun to shop with my 3 year old because

> she is so animated and such a diva in the mall and acts like she is 25. I

> thought my mom would enjoy walking through the store with her.

>

> WRONG. As soon as we left " her toy show " , she mentally checked out and

> ambled through the mall staring at the ceiling and I had to repeat

> everything I said twice because she was in la-la land. She missed some

> hysterically funny things my daughter was saying. Her loss.

>

> I realized then she was not interested in playing or interacting with my

> daughter. Only wanted to get her ego fix off of my daughter smothering her

> with attention.

>

>

> > >

> > >

> > > I have been limiting contact with my nada but never sent her any formal

> letters I was doing so. Just started doing it about 3 months ago.

> > >

> > >

> > > I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because

> every time I talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to

> burst into tears, which I have ignored.

> > >

> > > My husband and I decided we no longer wanted her visiting in our home

> because she feels she has the right to stay for hours on end and the last

> time she was here she made a horrible scene in front of my daughter.

> > >

> > > I have attempted to arrange something for our family to visit with her

> on multiple occasions the last 2 months but unless the visit can be on her

> terms (at my home, when she wants, how she wants) she finds a reason to not

> come. And is still telling people I won't let her see her granddaughter.

> > >

> > > I had told her last week we may meet this morning as we had some time.

> I sent her a text last night saying we'd like to meet her for breakfast at a

> nearby fast food place that had a playground.

> > >

> > > She went livid. Told me we needed to get the breakfast and come back to

> my home. I told her that wasn't possible. Then she calls me asking me 20

> questions as to what our schedule was and why she could not come to my home,

> where I remained calm but just said " I'm sorry but meeting at this place is

> the best thing for us " .

> > >

> > > She went off on a tangent, telling me I constantly made time for

> everyone else but her and she absolutely refused to visit her family in a

> restaurant or a park because " that isn't a visit " . She then went on to say

> until we could have a proper visit then she would just wait for another

> time. She'll be waiting a long damn time.

> > >

> > > She went on and on trying to rope me into the vortex but thankfully I

> did not engage but told her this was not a good time for me to continue

> talking and I must go and quickly hung up the phone.

> > >

> > >

> > > Later I got mad at myself after I hung up the phone and thought that

> the right response would have been: " Mom, I have made plenty of time for

> you. And I'm making time right now to visit with you in the morning but you

> are choosing to decline that. If you can't visit with us the way we feel

> comfortable visiting than I guess you are choosing not to see us " .

> > >

> > > My T says I need to stop blaming myself, we talked about that a lot

> yesterday. But I still get pissed that I can't come up with this crap while

> I'm talking on the phone to the lunatic. Guess I just answered my own

> question.

> > >

> > > I don't want to write her a letter. I always chicken out putting it in

> the mail and I don't want to read what she writes back.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Honestly I think the response you gave was better than the one you wish you had

given. " got to go/the end/click. " That's all she can handle anyway, the other

stuff is rational and they don't do rational. So don't beat up on yourself, all

these sane answers we try to come up with are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy over their heads

anyway.

>

>

> I have been limiting contact with my nada but never sent her any formal

letters I was doing so. Just started doing it about 3 months ago.

>

>

> I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because every time

I talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to burst into

tears, which I have ignored.

>

> My husband and I decided we no longer wanted her visiting in our home because

she feels she has the right to stay for hours on end and the last time she was

here she made a horrible scene in front of my daughter.

>

> I have attempted to arrange something for our family to visit with her on

multiple occasions the last 2 months but unless the visit can be on her terms

(at my home, when she wants, how she wants) she finds a reason to not come. And

is still telling people I won't let her see her granddaughter.

>

> I had told her last week we may meet this morning as we had some time. I sent

her a text last night saying we'd like to meet her for breakfast at a nearby

fast food place that had a playground.

>

> She went livid. Told me we needed to get the breakfast and come back to my

home. I told her that wasn't possible. Then she calls me asking me 20 questions

as to what our schedule was and why she could not come to my home, where I

remained calm but just said " I'm sorry but meeting at this place is the best

thing for us " .

>

> She went off on a tangent, telling me I constantly made time for everyone else

but her and she absolutely refused to visit her family in a restaurant or a park

because " that isn't a visit " . She then went on to say until we could have a

proper visit then she would just wait for another time. She'll be waiting a long

damn time.

>

> She went on and on trying to rope me into the vortex but thankfully I did not

engage but told her this was not a good time for me to continue talking and I

must go and quickly hung up the phone.

>

>

> Later I got mad at myself after I hung up the phone and thought that the right

response would have been: " Mom, I have made plenty of time for you. And I'm

making time right now to visit with you in the morning but you are choosing to

decline that. If you can't visit with us the way we feel comfortable visiting

than I guess you are choosing not to see us " .

>

> My T says I need to stop blaming myself, we talked about that a lot yesterday.

But I still get pissed that I can't come up with this crap while I'm talking on

the phone to the lunatic. Guess I just answered my own question.

>

> I don't want to write her a letter. I always chicken out putting it in the

mail and I don't want to read what she writes back.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi big sister,

I like the boundaries you've already set with your mother.

Something I practically chant to myself before I have to see my mother is " she

doesn't need to get it; she doesn't need to get it. " Meaning, she doesnt' need

to understand why I need to set boundaries with her. I don't need to try to

explain. I've done that and it never, ever works.

You wrote, " I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because

every time I talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to

burst into tears, which I have ignored. " That's my relationship with my mother

lately. I no longer am ensnared in her dramas and she has foisted them pretty

much exclusively on my brother, so every time I call her, which is not nearly as

often as she'd like, she has a definite tone of anger/bitterness at the

abandonment she perceives.

I understand that need to say the right thing that does the trick, that shuts

them up or switches on a light bulb. But for me, I doubt it'll ever happen and

I've stopped trying.

Fiona

>

>

> I have been limiting contact with my nada but never sent her any formal

letters I was doing so. Just started doing it about 3 months ago.

>

>

> I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because every time

I talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to burst into

tears, which I have ignored.

>

> My husband and I decided we no longer wanted her visiting in our home because

she feels she has the right to stay for hours on end and the last time she was

here she made a horrible scene in front of my daughter.

>

> I have attempted to arrange something for our family to visit with her on

multiple occasions the last 2 months but unless the visit can be on her terms

(at my home, when she wants, how she wants) she finds a reason to not come. And

is still telling people I won't let her see her granddaughter.

>

> I had told her last week we may meet this morning as we had some time. I sent

her a text last night saying we'd like to meet her for breakfast at a nearby

fast food place that had a playground.

>

> She went livid. Told me we needed to get the breakfast and come back to my

home. I told her that wasn't possible. Then she calls me asking me 20 questions

as to what our schedule was and why she could not come to my home, where I

remained calm but just said " I'm sorry but meeting at this place is the best

thing for us " .

>

> She went off on a tangent, telling me I constantly made time for everyone else

but her and she absolutely refused to visit her family in a restaurant or a park

because " that isn't a visit " . She then went on to say until we could have a

proper visit then she would just wait for another time. She'll be waiting a long

damn time.

>

> She went on and on trying to rope me into the vortex but thankfully I did not

engage but told her this was not a good time for me to continue talking and I

must go and quickly hung up the phone.

>

>

> Later I got mad at myself after I hung up the phone and thought that the right

response would have been: " Mom, I have made plenty of time for you. And I'm

making time right now to visit with you in the morning but you are choosing to

decline that. If you can't visit with us the way we feel comfortable visiting

than I guess you are choosing not to see us " .

>

> My T says I need to stop blaming myself, we talked about that a lot yesterday.

But I still get pissed that I can't come up with this crap while I'm talking on

the phone to the lunatic. Guess I just answered my own question.

>

> I don't want to write her a letter. I always chicken out putting it in the

mail and I don't want to read what she writes back.

>

[Guest guest]

I think you did a great job holding your ground with your nada, so try not

to beat yourself up so much! You did really great!!! It's so not easy

keeping those boundaries up with nadas & fadas, but you did it. I do like

what you thought of after hanging up the phone, so maybe write it down &

memorize it for the next time you need it... which you probably will.

Good for you! You should pat yourself on the back and be kind to yourself,

you did great =D

Mia

>

>

>

> I have been limiting contact with my nada but never sent her any formal

> letters I was doing so. Just started doing it about 3 months ago.

>

> I could tell recently she was brewing and about to explode because every

> time I talk to her she either sounds like she hates me or is about to burst

> into tears, which I have ignored.

>

> My husband and I decided we no longer wanted her visiting in our home

> because she feels she has the right to stay for hours on end and the last

> time she was here she made a horrible scene in front of my daughter.

>

> I have attempted to arrange something for our family to visit with her on

> multiple occasions the last 2 months but unless the visit can be on her

> terms (at my home, when she wants, how she wants) she finds a reason to not

> come. And is still telling people I won't let her see her granddaughter.

>

> I had told her last week we may meet this morning as we had some time. I

> sent her a text last night saying we'd like to meet her for breakfast at a

> nearby fast food place that had a playground.

>

> She went livid. Told me we needed to get the breakfast and come back to my

> home. I told her that wasn't possible. Then she calls me asking me 20

> questions as to what our schedule was and why she could not come to my home,

> where I remained calm but just said " I'm sorry but meeting at this place is

> the best thing for us " .

>

> She went off on a tangent, telling me I constantly made time for everyone

> else but her and she absolutely refused to visit her family in a restaurant

> or a park because " that isn't a visit " . She then went on to say until we

> could have a proper visit then she would just wait for another time. She'll

> be waiting a long damn time.

>

> She went on and on trying to rope me into the vortex but thankfully I did

> not engage but told her this was not a good time for me to continue talking

> and I must go and quickly hung up the phone.

>

> Later I got mad at myself after I hung up the phone and thought that the

> right response would have been: " Mom, I have made plenty of time for you.

> And I'm making time right now to visit with you in the morning but you are

> choosing to decline that. If you can't visit with us the way we feel

> comfortable visiting than I guess you are choosing not to see us " .

>

> My T says I need to stop blaming myself, we talked about that a lot

> yesterday. But I still get pissed that I can't come up with this crap while

> I'm talking on the phone to the lunatic. Guess I just answered my own

> question.

>

> I don't want to write her a letter. I always chicken out putting it in the

> mail and I don't want to read what she writes back.

>

>

>