really on the fence about a person with BPD on list

[Guest guest]

Here is how I see it.

When I read so many folks agreeing that we are not safe with a recovering BP on

list, I feel ironically feel dismay. It may be because of my need to be tolerant

and the fact that I too feel like I must walk on eggshells myself, for fear of

triggering others on this list with my different viewpoint on mental illness,

based on my personal experience.

I had to take some time to consider all my feelings.

First, I sensed early on we were already building consensus on our concerns

about working side by side with a " recovered " person, not trusting recovery, not

trusting that we will be triggered by his issues. I understand this, and can

only support those who are speaking out about their very real feelings. I

wanted to validate that. For very clearly, the list does read that it is for

non-BP children.

Here is where I must play devil's advocate. I want to be very clear, I am not

trying to change the tide of consensus that has built here from the very first

time Pdfff disclosed his own personal, inside, experience with the disorder.

But here is the question that I find comes up inside of me: Who is to say that

anyone on here, especially a lurker who is taking time to learn about their

issues before speaking up, is not undiagnosed but active in the BPD disease

state? Is there any way in God's green earth to prevent someone like this from

being on list?

I could have been on the loop six years ago, and huddled in silence, thinking

all of you were talking about me, yet knowing I needed to learn something too,

because of the common kids-of experiences we all need to explore. But I did not

myself finally LEARN about BPD until the fall of the last presidential election.

The diagnosis was that scary to me.

By now, I am pretty secure in that I have a right to be here and likely only

have many fleas. I am not so sure that there are many places a healing or

healed BPD person can go to deal with the issues we deal with here. And so,

I've want to ask, can we give pdff a chance? My clear sense is that I've waited

too long to ask this question. I was very afraid of being hurt by group

consensus that would leave me feeling shamed.

I know it will seem I am waffling. OK. Now, on the other hand, If I were a

person with the diagnosis, healed, I would not want to be considered a BPD. Or

be told, as I said, " Once a BP, always a BP. " Our lack of hope comes from

experience with folks who are not aware or willing to look at themselves and

commit to getting help. I strongly feel that if Randy indeed knows Pdff, and

respects him as an equal and he is honest with us, then he is doing his level

best. When I had a diagnosis myself, and wanted to recover, I did not go to a

group for folks with my diagnosis for those people would not believe in my

ability to recover and wean from medications. I would have had to fight with my

peers for the hope I needed. I did not want to do that for it would have

hindered my recovery. I got well by being around people more well than I. I did

do that heroic work one of you described, I created a recovery group in my

community that started with my own premise, that by changing my thinking I could

step away from a diagnosis. And, I think my therapist would agree that I did

that work well. I will continue to recover for the rest of my life, so that I

can be sure not to pass so many fleas down to my child and his potential

children. But there are no guarantees in this journey. None. And part of my

recovery is making strong peace in accepting that.

Should PDff cannot find a recovery group (or be able to form one) with other

sufferer of BPD where he is not held back by their lack of hope, I would ask

that we give him a second chance here.

Yet, I have to stay with my original conclusion: Until this group is a place

that consciously welcomes folks who are committed to BPD recovery and self

honesty, then this is not a safe place for PdFF either.

As you can see, it is tough for me to be a black-and-white decision maker even

with the fact that the name of our group makes it pretty clear, who we are here

to help. I guess in this case we have an area of gray. I can only pray that by

having this issue come up, we are all learning something about ourselves, our

boundaries and where we must take our stand on the compassion/tolerance scale.

Just because I am compassionate, does not mean I am CAPABLE of truly tolerating.

Some of you may be expressing your boundaries better than I, and keeping us

safer.

Thanks for listening to me think aloud.

Best,