I feel like my family went down with the Titanic

[Guest guest]

I went to a wake yesterday. It was very sad, of course. But for me, it was

sadness on different levels.

Naturally, I was grieved at the passing of a good family friend. But I was

grieved as well to see a family that seems to really like each other.

They were hugging, supporting one another. There were pictures of a life

well-lived, of events spent together cheerfully. There were stories of love and

understanding and connecting as friends more than as family. There was

acceptance of people as they were.

Mind you, I've known this family for a while and it was not a one-time

observation. It's how I've seen them over the years.

Once again, I felt grieved...at how I do not have this. Like I say in my subject

line, it really is like they went down in the Titanic.

I have no family.

I have to keep my mother at arm's length. I cannot embrace her emotionally or

physically without being tangled and enmeshed, without my personal space being

violated, without being judged, accused and persecuted.

I love my brother but don't feel understood by him. I feel, instead, an

undertone of bitterness and guilt, that he's trying to get me to assume burdens

with my mother that he won't see he has the choice to opt out of.

My aunts, uncles, cousins -- unfortunately, the few times I have spent with them

have been also tainted with misunderstanding, repeating what I've said

incorrectly, misquoting me, ridiculing me, correcting me, giving me unsolicited

advice.

I just felt last night that what I have to offer my children from my side of the

family is pretty much nothing.

I felt that the man who had died had left this earth richer in love from his

family than I have known.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's ALL me. My father was a very distant,difficult to know

man, and I know I am very much like him in that sense. I have always been kind

of avoidant, distrusting, afraid to allow people into my sphere, mostly because

I feared being hurt as I've noted above. I feel like a pet that was emotionally

neglected most of its life. Yes, it was fed and kept out of the elements, but

aside from that, its spirit was malnourished. It's very hard for me to go very

deep with people.

I thrive around people who take me as I am, not for what I've done for them

lately (like nada) or for what I could do for them (extended FOO).

It's just a sadness I can't resolve quickly. I can't cheer myself out of it.

I mean, hey, I have a wonderful husband, I know I won the lottery with him. And

I have two daughters who are such a source of joy to me. I know I need to

realize I've got it really good.

I just can't relate, though, when I see such togetherness. I feel left out, like

I wasn't given a familial gene.

Does anyone else have this situation, this kind of feeling of being an " orphan "

despite having living family, still being on your own within your FOO?

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

Yes. I have a memory of feeling really like I belonged as a child, but even then

I never felt like anyone in my family really wanted to know how I felt about

anything, unless it was good. Keep it to the surface, everything okay...I even

felt like I kind of made them nervious because I wanted to talk...but was kept

at arms length. I was seen as being weak I think for being sensetive. The one I

felt clostest to, was the most emotionaly connected with me, was my dad, and

since he died last year I have felt really orphaned in my FOO.

I have a sibling who sounds a lot like yours, they do so much with my mother

and I sense they want me to do more, but I can't. She definately doesn't

understand me and is very competative with everyone. My sibling seems to be fine

really catering to my mother, but I can't do it. She can really be judgemental

and hurtful and I can't " play the game " to keep her happy enough to be seen as

the good child. I have been " in the dog house " with her for several years now

and never know what I will get when I talk with her. I have come to see that I

was pretty much an invisible child a lot of the time with her. Seen when I

reflected well on her, etc. I was never the golden child, rather the middle one

who was neither the oldest nor the youngest.

I don't think it is you, I think it is the situation you are in with a BP

parent. How would it be easy for you to feel close to people with no experience

with it as a child? Do you feel close to your own family, can you share with

them? That is where I find my acceptance, with my spouse and kids. We are very

close. I think that is what attracted me to my husband - I can be me with him,

and we both are middle children with mothers who we think are BP. But with

other people I can almost be a bit paranoid, I don't really trust easily and I

am really private. I am not always sure about other people's sincerity or

boundries. I know it is because of my uncertianty with my FOO.

As far as your extended family I don't know what is going on with them all

giving you advice, twisting your words etc. With my cousins, etc. we had such

large gaps in age and I see now that my parents didn't really foster any

closeness with me and my cousins. I am not sure why.

I know the adrift feeling you are referring to. I try to accept it about myself

and conncect with my own family as much as I can. I don't know it we will ever

know if we've reached the closeness we sometimes see others experience, but I

also know that much of it is perception. There are those who look at you and

your family (husband and girls), and are evnious of that.

>

> I went to a wake yesterday. It was very sad, of course. But for me, it was

sadness on different levels.

>

> Naturally, I was grieved at the passing of a good family friend. But I was

grieved as well to see a family that seems to really like each other.

>

> They were hugging, supporting one another. There were pictures of a life

well-lived, of events spent together cheerfully. There were stories of love and

understanding and connecting as friends more than as family. There was

acceptance of people as they were.

>

> Mind you, I've known this family for a while and it was not a one-time

observation. It's how I've seen them over the years.

>

> Once again, I felt grieved...at how I do not have this. Like I say in my

subject line, it really is like they went down in the Titanic.

>

> I have no family.

>

> I have to keep my mother at arm's length. I cannot embrace her emotionally or

physically without being tangled and enmeshed, without my personal space being

violated, without being judged, accused and persecuted.

>

> I love my brother but don't feel understood by him. I feel, instead, an

undertone of bitterness and guilt, that he's trying to get me to assume burdens

with my mother that he won't see he has the choice to opt out of.

>

> My aunts, uncles, cousins -- unfortunately, the few times I have spent with

them have been also tainted with misunderstanding, repeating what I've said

incorrectly, misquoting me, ridiculing me, correcting me, giving me unsolicited

advice.

>

> I just felt last night that what I have to offer my children from my side of

the family is pretty much nothing.

>

> I felt that the man who had died had left this earth richer in love from his

family than I have known.

>

> Maybe it's me, maybe it's ALL me. My father was a very distant,difficult to

know man, and I know I am very much like him in that sense. I have always been

kind of avoidant, distrusting, afraid to allow people into my sphere, mostly

because I feared being hurt as I've noted above. I feel like a pet that was

emotionally neglected most of its life. Yes, it was fed and kept out of the

elements, but aside from that, its spirit was malnourished. It's very hard for

me to go very deep with people.

> I thrive around people who take me as I am, not for what I've done for them

lately (like nada) or for what I could do for them (extended FOO).

>

> It's just a sadness I can't resolve quickly. I can't cheer myself out of it.

>

> I mean, hey, I have a wonderful husband, I know I won the lottery with him.

And I have two daughters who are such a source of joy to me. I know I need to

realize I've got it really good.

>

> I just can't relate, though, when I see such togetherness. I feel left out,

like I wasn't given a familial gene.

>

> Does anyone else have this situation, this kind of feeling of being an

" orphan " despite having living family, still being on your own within your FOO?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for sharing, so much. It's good to know someone else has experienced

this.

You articulated it well, it was the same with me: unless it was good, my parents

couldn't tolerate hearing about it. I recall when we had moved -- during my

senior year of high school -- that I was struggling a lot in English class. It

was an advanced class and I had to read a novel a week, plus more stuff. I

remember bursting into tears in our living room and opening up to my parents.

Guess what my father said? NOTHING. He just kept watching tv. I was literally

curled up on the floor, sobbing my heart out and he said and did nothing. My

mother said, " well, you're going to just have to do your best. " No hugs. Not

much else. It was so telling of our relationship.

" My sibling seems to be fine really catering to my mother, but I can't do it.

She can really be judgemental and hurtful and I can't " play the game " to keep

her happy enough to be seen as the good child. " Yes, that's me, too.

Yes, I am close to my husband and kids and am intentional about listening to

them and being emotionally open with them. I do need space from time to time and

they know that. I think everyone does.

Thanks again for listening,

Fiona

> >

> > I went to a wake yesterday. It was very sad, of course. But for me, it was

sadness on different levels.

> >

> > Naturally, I was grieved at the passing of a good family friend. But I was

grieved as well to see a family that seems to really like each other.

> >

> > They were hugging, supporting one another. There were pictures of a life

well-lived, of events spent together cheerfully. There were stories of love and

understanding and connecting as friends more than as family. There was

acceptance of people as they were.

> >

> > Mind you, I've known this family for a while and it was not a one-time

observation. It's how I've seen them over the years.

> >

> > Once again, I felt grieved...at how I do not have this. Like I say in my

subject line, it really is like they went down in the Titanic.

> >

> > I have no family.

> >

> > I have to keep my mother at arm's length. I cannot embrace her emotionally

or physically without being tangled and enmeshed, without my personal space

being violated, without being judged, accused and persecuted.

> >

> > I love my brother but don't feel understood by him. I feel, instead, an

undertone of bitterness and guilt, that he's trying to get me to assume burdens

with my mother that he won't see he has the choice to opt out of.

> >

> > My aunts, uncles, cousins -- unfortunately, the few times I have spent with

them have been also tainted with misunderstanding, repeating what I've said

incorrectly, misquoting me, ridiculing me, correcting me, giving me unsolicited

advice.

> >

> > I just felt last night that what I have to offer my children from my side of

the family is pretty much nothing.

> >

> > I felt that the man who had died had left this earth richer in love from his

family than I have known.

> >

> > Maybe it's me, maybe it's ALL me. My father was a very distant,difficult to

know man, and I know I am very much like him in that sense. I have always been

kind of avoidant, distrusting, afraid to allow people into my sphere, mostly

because I feared being hurt as I've noted above. I feel like a pet that was

emotionally neglected most of its life. Yes, it was fed and kept out of the

elements, but aside from that, its spirit was malnourished. It's very hard for

me to go very deep with people.

> > I thrive around people who take me as I am, not for what I've done for them

lately (like nada) or for what I could do for them (extended FOO).

> >

> > It's just a sadness I can't resolve quickly. I can't cheer myself out of it.

> >

> > I mean, hey, I have a wonderful husband, I know I won the lottery with him.

And I have two daughters who are such a source of joy to me. I know I need to

realize I've got it really good.

> >

> > I just can't relate, though, when I see such togetherness. I feel left out,

like I wasn't given a familial gene.

> >

> > Does anyone else have this situation, this kind of feeling of being an

" orphan " despite having living family, still being on your own within your FOO?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

Sure, it feels good to know we aren't alone or crazy. Just know you will always

be close to your kids and husband because you are so intunded to them and

yourself. You are doing the hard work being engaged with them and even when you

need your space they know you truly care and listen to them and see them.

I wish I could say I no longer get my feelings hurt by my FOO, I do, but I am

much better at putting up a protective boundry when I interact with them. I have

to work at it, and it sometimes makes me sad, almost depressed - like you said,

but I have to see my FOO differently now. They are people I love, but can't

trust with my feelings. The cometativeness, meanness and twisting of words is

frustrating. It is as if I have outgrown them and now interact with my mother

and siblings with a distance. I think some on these boards call it medium chill.

Keep heart.

> > >

> > > I went to a wake yesterday. It was very sad, of course. But for me, it was

sadness on different levels.

> > >

> > > Naturally, I was grieved at the passing of a good family friend. But I

was grieved as well to see a family that seems to really like each other.

> > >

> > > They were hugging, supporting one another. There were pictures of a life

well-lived, of events spent together cheerfully. There were stories of love and

understanding and connecting as friends more than as family. There was

acceptance of people as they were.

> > >

> > > Mind you, I've known this family for a while and it was not a one-time

observation. It's how I've seen them over the years.

> > >

> > > Once again, I felt grieved...at how I do not have this. Like I say in my

subject line, it really is like they went down in the Titanic.

> > >

> > > I have no family.

> > >

> > > I have to keep my mother at arm's length. I cannot embrace her emotionally

or physically without being tangled and enmeshed, without my personal space

being violated, without being judged, accused and persecuted.

> > >

> > > I love my brother but don't feel understood by him. I feel, instead, an

undertone of bitterness and guilt, that he's trying to get me to assume burdens

with my mother that he won't see he has the choice to opt out of.

> > >

> > > My aunts, uncles, cousins -- unfortunately, the few times I have spent

with them have been also tainted with misunderstanding, repeating what I've said

incorrectly, misquoting me, ridiculing me, correcting me, giving me unsolicited

advice.

> > >

> > > I just felt last night that what I have to offer my children from my side

of the family is pretty much nothing.

> > >

> > > I felt that the man who had died had left this earth richer in love from

his family than I have known.

> > >

> > > Maybe it's me, maybe it's ALL me. My father was a very distant,difficult

to know man, and I know I am very much like him in that sense. I have always

been kind of avoidant, distrusting, afraid to allow people into my sphere,

mostly because I feared being hurt as I've noted above. I feel like a pet that

was emotionally neglected most of its life. Yes, it was fed and kept out of the

elements, but aside from that, its spirit was malnourished. It's very hard for

me to go very deep with people.

> > > I thrive around people who take me as I am, not for what I've done for

them lately (like nada) or for what I could do for them (extended FOO).

> > >

> > > It's just a sadness I can't resolve quickly. I can't cheer myself out of

it.

> > >

> > > I mean, hey, I have a wonderful husband, I know I won the lottery with

him. And I have two daughters who are such a source of joy to me. I know I need

to realize I've got it really good.

> > >

> > > I just can't relate, though, when I see such togetherness. I feel left

out, like I wasn't given a familial gene.

> > >

> > > Does anyone else have this situation, this kind of feeling of being an

" orphan " despite having living family, still being on your own within your FOO?

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Oh, Fiona! <<<hugs>>>

Yes, we were truly screwed in the family department. And no matter what anyone,

says, you cannot manufacture the kind of loving support that comes with a loving

family.

This would be easier if your family had been on the Titanic--then you could have

only looked forward and not spent time and energy on a hopeless situation.

Some people are lucky to find loving in-laws. I really wanted that, I guess I

got it half way. My FIL adored me, but he died before my children were even

born. My MIL doesn't like me, doesn't like her son and we have been on the outs

forever (she's not PD -- just real immature and full of FLEAS). About 10 years

ago I just quit trying yo be a part of the family.

Your family begins with you, Fiona. You don't have a good background of family

behind you. But from here forward you are making the future for all that come

after you. <<hugs>>

>

> I went to a wake yesterday. It was very sad, of course. But for me, it was

sadness on different levels.

>

> Naturally, I was grieved at the passing of a good family friend.  But I was

grieved as well to see a family that seems to really like each other.

>

> They were hugging, supporting one another. There were pictures of a life

well-lived, of events spent together cheerfully. There were stories of love and

understanding and connecting as friends more than as family. There was

acceptance of people as they were.

>

> Mind you, I've known this family for a while and it was not a one-time

observation. It's how I've seen them over the years.

>

> Once again, I felt grieved...at how I do not have this. Like I say in my

subject line, it really is like they went down in the Titanic.

>

> I have no family.

>

> I have to keep my mother at arm's length. I cannot embrace her emotionally or

physically without being tangled and enmeshed, without my personal space being

violated, without being judged, accused and persecuted.

>

> I love my brother but don't feel understood by him. I feel, instead, an

undertone of bitterness and guilt, that he's trying to get me to assume burdens

with my mother that he won't see he has the choice to opt out of. 

>

> My aunts, uncles, cousins -- unfortunately, the few times I have spent with

them have been also tainted with misunderstanding, repeating what I've said

incorrectly, misquoting me, ridiculing me, correcting me, giving me unsolicited

advice.

>

> I just felt last night that what I have to offer my children from my side of

the family is pretty much nothing. 

>

> I felt that the man who had died had left this earth richer in love from his

family than I have known. 

>

> Maybe it's me, maybe it's ALL me. My father was a very distant,difficult to

know man, and I know I am very much like him in that sense. I have always been

kind of avoidant, distrusting, afraid to allow people into my sphere, mostly

because I feared being hurt as I've noted above.  I feel like a pet that was

emotionally neglected most of its life. Yes, it was fed and kept out of the

elements, but aside from that, its spirit was malnourished.  It's very hard for

me to go very deep with people.

> I thrive around people who take me as I am, not for what I've done for them

lately (like nada) or for what I could do for them (extended FOO).

>

> It's just a sadness I can't resolve quickly. I can't cheer myself out of it.

>

> I mean, hey, I have a wonderful husband, I know I won the lottery with him.

And I have two daughters who are such a source of joy to me. I know I need to

realize I've got it really good.

>

> I just can't relate, though, when I see such togetherness. I feel left out,

like I wasn't given a familial gene. 

>

> Does anyone else have this situation, this kind of feeling of being an

" orphan " despite having living family, still being on your own within your FOO?

>

>

[Guest guest]

" They are people I love, but can't trust with my feelings. It is as if I have

outgrown them and now interact with my mother and siblings with a distance. "

Thanks for saying that, . It was a lightbulb to me, b/c I STILL, esp with

my brother, have this irrational hope that one day, he can be trusted with my

feelings. I think ACCEPTANCE is going to have to be the buzzword for me; to

accept what we have for what it is, love him, and not expect anything more.

I think there's wisdom in that.

> > >

[Guest guest]

" Your family begins with you, Fiona. You don't have a good background of family

behind you. But from here forward you are making the future for all that come

after you. <<hugs>> "

THANK YOU. That's a beautiful thought.

> >

> > I went to a wake yesterday. It was very sad, of course. But for me, it was

sadness on different levels.

> >

> > Naturally, I was grieved at the passing of a good family friend.  But I was

grieved as well to see a family that seems to really like each other.

> >

> > They were hugging, supporting one another. There were pictures of a life

well-lived, of events spent together cheerfully. There were stories of love and

understanding and connecting as friends more than as family. There was

acceptance of people as they were.

> >

> > Mind you, I've known this family for a while and it was not a one-time

observation. It's how I've seen them over the years.

> >

> > Once again, I felt grieved...at how I do not have this. Like I say in my

subject line, it really is like they went down in the Titanic.

> >

> > I have no family.

> >

> > I have to keep my mother at arm's length. I cannot embrace her emotionally

or physically without being tangled and enmeshed, without my personal space

being violated, without being judged, accused and persecuted.

> >

> > I love my brother but don't feel understood by him. I feel, instead, an

undertone of bitterness and guilt, that he's trying to get me to assume burdens

with my mother that he won't see he has the choice to opt out of. 

> >

> > My aunts, uncles, cousins -- unfortunately, the few times I have spent with

them have been also tainted with misunderstanding, repeating what I've said

incorrectly, misquoting me, ridiculing me, correcting me, giving me unsolicited

advice.

> >

> > I just felt last night that what I have to offer my children from my side of

the family is pretty much nothing. 

> >

> > I felt that the man who had died had left this earth richer in love from his

family than I have known. 

> >

> > Maybe it's me, maybe it's ALL me. My father was a very distant,difficult to

know man, and I know I am very much like him in that sense. I have always been

kind of avoidant, distrusting, afraid to allow people into my sphere, mostly

because I feared being hurt as I've noted above.  I feel like a pet that was

emotionally neglected most of its life. Yes, it was fed and kept out of the

elements, but aside from that, its spirit was malnourished.  It's very hard for

me to go very deep with people.

> > I thrive around people who take me as I am, not for what I've done for them

lately (like nada) or for what I could do for them (extended FOO).

> >

> > It's just a sadness I can't resolve quickly. I can't cheer myself out of it.

> >

> > I mean, hey, I have a wonderful husband, I know I won the lottery with him.

And I have two daughters who are such a source of joy to me. I know I need to

realize I've got it really good.

> >

> > I just can't relate, though, when I see such togetherness. I feel left out,

like I wasn't given a familial gene. 

> >

> > Does anyone else have this situation, this kind of feeling of being an

" orphan " despite having living family, still being on your own within your FOO?

> >

> >