Just when you think it was easy....

September 25, 2011

So....some of you on here might know my story...but as many of our stories are,

mine is very long. To make a long story short, the past several years have been

crazy in dealing with my nada. Up and down, up and down. Well, with the

exception for a 5 month period, I've been NC with my nada for over 2 years. My

little sister is still enmeshed. So she hasn't really had anything to do with me

for one year. We used to work at the same place, but due to a promotion, I work

for the same company at a different location. However, every now and then I have

to work at the old location (where my sister works) to do training or other type

of work. Friday was one of those days.

When I saw her, we spoke briefly. Later I emailed her and said that it was good

to see her, and that maybe in the future we can keep in touch more often. She

replied with " maybe we all can " . Referring to our mother and making it clear

that any relationship between her and I depends on my mother. The last time I

spoke with my nada she told me she never wanted anything to do with me again

because I talk to my father (from whom I was estranged from for 15 years) and

she wanted me to stop talking to him. When I refused she told me to go to hell

and wanted nothing else to do with me. My little sister prob doesn't know this.

I'm sure my nada told her quite the opposite.

Back when I was enmeshed with my nada, I would get panic attacks (although I

didn't know that's what it was at the time, I thought it was just normal to feel

that way). I started to have the same reaction when I dealt with my sis on

Friday. It was awful. The nausea, the shallow breathing, my skin was hot and

read, headache....the whole nine yards.

I've been living as a pretty happy person in spite of it all. Friday was just a

hiccup in my nada recovery. But I'm still wounded/hurting from it. It sucks that

I can't really defend myself to my sister because 1) my past experience tells me

this doesn't work and 2) my sis wont listen and 3) I would risk my sister

getting my nada involved and having to stir up all kinds of unwanted hostility.

I hate being stuck. Like someone who was accused of a crime they didn't commit.

This is such a curse.

Sara Jo

September 25, 2011

Sorry about Friday with your sister. You did all that you could, short of

telling her " Dad says 'hi!' " She is going to believe your nada, her very

existence probably depends on it.

Remember for next time that she can deliver zingers and keep the conversations

public. That, too, is sad, but you need to protect yourself.

FYI for panic attacks--I keep lavender essential oil or 'peace and calming' EO

in my purse for these situations. They help!!

>

> So....some of you on here might know my story...but as many of our stories

are, mine is very long. To make a long story short, the past several years have

been crazy in dealing with my nada. Up and down, up and down. Well, with the

exception for a 5 month period, I've been NC with my nada for over 2 years. My

little sister is still enmeshed. So she hasn't really had anything to do with me

for one year. We used to work at the same place, but due to a promotion, I work

for the same company at a different location. However, every now and then I have

to work at the old location (where my sister works) to do training or other type

of work. Friday was one of those days.

>

> When I saw her, we spoke briefly. Later I emailed her and said that it was

good to see her, and that maybe in the future we can keep in touch more often.

She replied with " maybe we all can " . Referring to our mother and making it clear

that any relationship between her and I depends on my mother. The last time I

spoke with my nada she told me she never wanted anything to do with me again

because I talk to my father (from whom I was estranged from for 15 years) and

she wanted me to stop talking to him. When I refused she told me to go to hell

and wanted nothing else to do with me. My little sister prob doesn't know this.

I'm sure my nada told her quite the opposite.

>

> Back when I was enmeshed with my nada, I would get panic attacks (although I

didn't know that's what it was at the time, I thought it was just normal to feel

that way). I started to have the same reaction when I dealt with my sis on

Friday. It was awful. The nausea, the shallow breathing, my skin was hot and

read, headache....the whole nine yards.

>

> I've been living as a pretty happy person in spite of it all. Friday was just

a hiccup in my nada recovery. But I'm still wounded/hurting from it. It sucks

that I can't really defend myself to my sister because 1) my past experience

tells me this doesn't work and 2) my sis wont listen and 3) I would risk my

sister getting my nada involved and having to stir up all kinds of unwanted

hostility.

>

> I hate being stuck. Like someone who was accused of a crime they didn't

commit. This is such a curse.

>

> Sara Jo

>

September 25, 2011

Hey, Sara Jo. It sounds like you have come a long way in your recovery. I am

glad that you have been able to do some healing while NC with your mother, and

that you have learned to listen to your body when it tries to warn you about

potential danger. I am sorry your sister is not able to see you as an individual

that she can relate with apart from your mother. It must be very painful to

grieve the loss of that potential relationship.

I'm glad you have learned that trying to defend yourself against dysfunction

isn't helpful. Learning not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) is a

big step. It is difficult to accept that other people have a right to their

perceptions, and that we can't change them. But as long as we realize that their

thoughts do not define who we are, we can still grow. Do you still have a T you

can talk to about your feelings of being " stuck? " Have you considered

alternative ways to frame the situation in your mind that might help you feel

more empowered?

Sva

September 25, 2011

Thanks for the encouraging replies, folks.

Sva, I do have a T, but I don't feel like I need to go anymore. I've gone for a

couple years now. I haven't been in months. This is the first time I've

experienced panicky feelings in a long time.

Guess I just need to stay away from it all...period.

It is sad that my sister doesn't feel that she can have a relationship with me

independent of our nada. But this has just proven to me that I am really done

with this all.

Sara Jo

>

> Hey, Sara Jo. It sounds like you have come a long way in your recovery. I am

glad that you have been able to do some healing while NC with your mother, and

that you have learned to listen to your body when it tries to warn you about

potential danger. I am sorry your sister is not able to see you as an individual

that she can relate with apart from your mother. It must be very painful to

grieve the loss of that potential relationship.

>

> I'm glad you have learned that trying to defend yourself against dysfunction

isn't helpful. Learning not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) is a

big step. It is difficult to accept that other people have a right to their

perceptions, and that we can't change them. But as long as we realize that their

thoughts do not define who we are, we can still grow. Do you still have a T you

can talk to about your feelings of being " stuck? " Have you considered

alternative ways to frame the situation in your mind that might help you feel

more empowered?

>

> Sva

>

September 26, 2011

Hi Sara,

I have to say, I am so proud of you for getting out of the enmeshment and

choosing your own way, despite nada trying to fear and guilt you into staying in

her shadow.

I'm very familiar with the panic attacks and chest constriction/stomach aches

from being around nada.

My brother is like this your sister. I'm not NC with my nada, but am much lower

contact with her. She and my brother have gotten even closer, it seems to me,

because of it. Even though he lives farther away than I do, she calls him with

her problems now. He comes to spend the weekend with her every other week. This

week, because she told him I would not be visiting her, he came on an " off "

weekend to stay with her, so she wouldn't be lonely. Sigh. And he drops the

hints to me that " I won't be able to come the next 2 weeks.... " In other words,

Fiona, be sure you visit those 2 weeks since I " stood in " for you.

He doesn't get that I'm not coordinating my schedule to be with someone who

could reach out to other people for friendship, but doesn't want to. He really

is enabling her, big time.

All of that to say, Sara, I so get the sibling guilt. In fact the sibling guilt

- because the sibling is ONE with nada - is almost like nada guilt.

But good for you for standing firm. You don't really need to explain anything to

your sister. It's just going to go back to nada and through the spin cycle. I'm

done with telling my brother how i feel about my mother. I'm tired of the

triangulation. And yes, as long as you remain NC and in contact with your

father, you will be treated like a criminal by nada for not agreeing to her

irrational demands. She wants you to be her hostage. Good for you for not

negotiating!

Fiona