I didn't jump to the phone so I go this within mins... (is it FOG?)

[Guest guest]

" we tried ringing you but the answer phone said no messages allowed or

something. that was your home phone. i left another message on your mobile. Dad

gets very hurt when he does not hear form you. I want so much that he gets well

soon. Your help with love and inquiry would be so appreciated. He wants to hear

someone's else voice.

Sorry about xxx's dad. It will happen to us one day too. I hope we will have

dignity as that time. Not very nice to think about is it. Tell xxx we are very

sorry to hear of his dad's heart attack. "

I made the mistake of mentioning an ex's Dad (both of whom I still get along

with) had a major heart attack this week and is very poorly. My own Dad is

slowly recovering from an injury earlier this year.

My issue is that I've recently been diagnosed with a raft of things amongst

other things being involved with my parents to my own detriment. I spoke to my

nada only a couple of days ago and email my Dad often.

I'm not planning to respond this afternoon but know that by doing so I'm storing

up more trouble.

What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

[Guest guest]

>

> What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

>

Get yourself a trenchcoat and a flashlight, because, YES there's a lot of FOG in

that message! Guilt, to be specific.

She's trying to make you feel badly about not answering when she called you, and

using Guilt to manipulate you. She wants you to think you're making your father

unhappy. Her mortality is supposed to motivate you to do what she wants.

Deal with it how you want to deal with it. Personally, if this were my parents,

I'd ignore it and call them back whenever *I* felt like it. I would refuse to

accept any of the guilty feelings my mother tried to push on me. I know that

adults have a right to take calls and return them when they feel ready, and I am

not obligated to put my needs aside every time my mother wants to use me for

something.

But what I would do is not the most important question. What would YOU like to

do? What seems like the best way to take care of yourself in this situation?

Sveta

[Guest guest]

OMG YES! This is premium FOG!

You know, just because someone contacts us we don't necessarily need to return

the favor. I know this was all bred into us, but there is NO WAY to answer this

message without getting into trouble.

1) You could just put it in your SPAM and if questioned say you never saw it

2) Just not reply

3) Send your dad a get well or thinking of you card. But then mom will know she

was able to manipulate you

Good luck!

>

> " we tried ringing you but the answer phone said no messages allowed or

something. that was your home phone. i left another message on your mobile. Dad

gets very hurt when he does not hear form you. I want so much that he gets well

soon. Your help with love and inquiry would be so appreciated. He wants to hear

someone's else voice.

>

> Sorry about xxx's dad. It will happen to us one day too. I hope we will have

dignity as that time. Not very nice to think about is it. Tell xxx we are very

sorry to hear of his dad's heart attack. "

>

> I made the mistake of mentioning an ex's Dad (both of whom I still get along

with) had a major heart attack this week and is very poorly. My own Dad is

slowly recovering from an injury earlier this year.

>

> My issue is that I've recently been diagnosed with a raft of things amongst

other things being involved with my parents to my own detriment. I spoke to my

nada only a couple of days ago and email my Dad often.

>

> I'm not planning to respond this afternoon but know that by doing so I'm

storing up more trouble.

>

> What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

>

[Guest guest]

Clouds and clouds of fog.

If you step back and think about this in terms of someone else calling you, say

a friend, acquaintance or perhaps a doctor's office or business contact, would

any single one of them become enraged and immediately email you that you did not

answer your phone the second they rang it?

NO! Because like sane people they would realize that YOU HAVE A LIFE! And you

might be out at the grocery store, or at work, or visiting with friends, or

eating in a restaurant, or sleeping, or in the shower, or doing whatever, or

maybe you were just feeling tired and not in the mood to answer your phone.

Sane, normal people don't expect everybody to answer the phone the instant they

ring it.

So yeah, get out your London Fog.

Em

>

>

>

> >

> > What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

> >

>

> Get yourself a trenchcoat and a flashlight, because, YES there's a lot of FOG

in that message! Guilt, to be specific.

>

> She's trying to make you feel badly about not answering when she called you,

and using Guilt to manipulate you. She wants you to think you're making your

father unhappy. Her mortality is supposed to motivate you to do what she wants.

>

> Deal with it how you want to deal with it. Personally, if this were my

parents, I'd ignore it and call them back whenever *I* felt like it. I would

refuse to accept any of the guilty feelings my mother tried to push on me. I

know that adults have a right to take calls and return them when they feel

ready, and I am not obligated to put my needs aside every time my mother wants

to use me for something.

>

> But what I would do is not the most important question. What would YOU like to

do? What seems like the best way to take care of yourself in this situation?

>

> Sveta

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> My nada loved to do the thing with " your father feels, your father says

> your father things " etcetcetc

>

It made me crazy when she did that. My father is perfectly able to speak for

himself!!!!!!!!

> So yeah, get out your London Fog.

>

> Em

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> > > What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

> > >

> >

> > Get yourself a trenchcoat and a flashlight, because, YES there's a lot of

> FOG in that message! Guilt, to be specific.

> >

> > She's trying to make you feel badly about not answering when she called

> you, and using Guilt to manipulate you. She wants you to think you're making

> your father unhappy. Her mortality is supposed to motivate you to do what

> she wants.

> >

> > Deal with it how you want to deal with it. Personally, if this were my

> parents, I'd ignore it and call them back whenever *I* felt like it. I would

> refuse to accept any of the guilty feelings my mother tried to push on me. I

> know that adults have a right to take calls and return them when they feel

> ready, and I am not obligated to put my needs aside every time my mother

> wants to use me for something.

> >

> > But what I would do is not the most important question. What would YOU

> like to do? What seems like the best way to take care of yourself in this

> situation?

> >

> > Sveta

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Is your nada competing for an Emmy in the FOG department? Wow, impressive.

One thing I've found helpful if they do this in a conversation is to respond

with " Yes, I know " and say nothing else or " Yes, I know you feel that

way " ...this really kind of flummoxes them. You agree to nothing, you cede no

territory really and give them nothing to react against. I got that technique

from one of the zillion books I've read. As for that message, I'd say call her

back at the normal time and don't respond to any of it and if she brings it up

don't take the bait. Good luck!

Eliza

>

> " we tried ringing you but the answer phone said no messages allowed or

something. that was your home phone. i left another message on your mobile. Dad

gets very hurt when he does not hear form you. I want so much that he gets well

soon. Your help with love and inquiry would be so appreciated. He wants to hear

someone's else voice.

>

> Sorry about xxx's dad. It will happen to us one day too. I hope we will have

dignity as that time. Not very nice to think about is it. Tell xxx we are very

sorry to hear of his dad's heart attack. "

>

> I made the mistake of mentioning an ex's Dad (both of whom I still get along

with) had a major heart attack this week and is very poorly. My own Dad is

slowly recovering from an injury earlier this year.

>

> My issue is that I've recently been diagnosed with a raft of things amongst

other things being involved with my parents to my own detriment. I spoke to my

nada only a couple of days ago and email my Dad often.

>

> I'm not planning to respond this afternoon but know that by doing so I'm

storing up more trouble.

>

> What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

>

[Guest guest]

> Sane, normal people don't expect everybody to answer the phone the instant

they ring it.>

YES!!! My nada almost always gives me 20 questions as to what I was doing the

exact moment she called to see if I have a legitimate excuse for not answering.

Up until recently, I used to feel obligated to explain myself. I don't explain

anymore.

I think my not giving 100 excuses baffles her completely and she can't believe

my " audacity " to admit I heard the phone ring but didn't jump so she has no clue

what kind of retort to come up with. At least for now. I'm sure she'll think of

a new one soon, haha!

What you described is definitely FOG, just like everyone else said. Sheesh,

these BPDs are ridiculous.

> > >

> > > What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

> > >

> >

> > Get yourself a trenchcoat and a flashlight, because, YES there's a lot of

FOG in that message! Guilt, to be specific.

> >

> > She's trying to make you feel badly about not answering when she called you,

and using Guilt to manipulate you. She wants you to think you're making your

father unhappy. Her mortality is supposed to motivate you to do what she wants.

> >

> > Deal with it how you want to deal with it. Personally, if this were my

parents, I'd ignore it and call them back whenever *I* felt like it. I would

refuse to accept any of the guilty feelings my mother tried to push on me. I

know that adults have a right to take calls and return them when they feel

ready, and I am not obligated to put my needs aside every time my mother wants

to use me for something.

> >

> > But what I would do is not the most important question. What would YOU like

to do? What seems like the best way to take care of yourself in this situation?

> >

> > Sveta

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would love to run away or go LC or even NC (in my dreams) but I've only just

entered therapy for a range of issues that I've been told normally take years to

address and am feeling ropy at the moment. That's why I posted and I'm grateful

for the replies and humour as it makes it all feel so less intense. I guess I

will have to talk about this to my T.

Crazily I didn't fall asleep until 4am because of my drafting, and redrafting a

response to myself but I do myself a favour these days and unplug the phone

between 11pm and the morning because of the early morning 'emergency' calls that

really do damage. Unfortunately I can't screen her calls because the

international number shows up as unknown. Perhaps I ought to get an answering

machine.

Usually, like big_sister_03, I immediately reply with explaination but as Em

points out, and I know deep down, I do have a life and entitled to handle to

handle communication my own way. Somehow though because she's Mum it turns off

the adult in me and I feel like a deer caught in the headlights and everything

gets forgotten.

I'm so used to nada speaking on Dad's behalf and whenever she wants me to do

something she goes through Dad unless she's angry. As Girlscout Cowboy says he

can speak for himself. I would do what Eliza suggests as it feels that it's a

workable way forward but I'm trying to juggle emerging painful issues with

normal contact.

What makes me soooo angry is that I'm not far from 40 and I'm not supposed to be

like this.

>

> But what I would do is not the most important question. What would YOU like to

do? What seems like the best way to take care of yourself in this situation?

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

" My nada almost always gives me 20 questions as to what I was doing the exact

moment she called to see if I have a legitimate excuse for not answering. "

yup, mine, too. It is SO good to know I'm not alone here. I always thought I was

the worst daughter, not calling her back soon enough, not picking up on the 2nd

ring.

If I didn't call back right away, I'd get " I CALLED you. where were you?? I

could've been dead and you wouldn't have known it. "

I actually used to answer her questions, genuinely telling her what I'd been

doing and then listening to her either cut down what I was doing or start in an

interrogation about the thing I was doing.

Now, she really doesn't bother asking anymore b/c I usually just say " not much.

what's up? "

Or, " right. how are you? " May as well ask since the conversation will

ultimately be all about her!

> > > >

> > > > What's the best way to do with emails like this? Is this FOG?

> > > >

> > >

> > > Get yourself a trenchcoat and a flashlight, because, YES there's a lot of

FOG in that message! Guilt, to be specific.

> > >

> > > She's trying to make you feel badly about not answering when she called

you, and using Guilt to manipulate you. She wants you to think you're making

your father unhappy. Her mortality is supposed to motivate you to do what she

wants.

> > >

> > > Deal with it how you want to deal with it. Personally, if this were my

parents, I'd ignore it and call them back whenever *I* felt like it. I would

refuse to accept any of the guilty feelings my mother tried to push on me. I

know that adults have a right to take calls and return them when they feel

ready, and I am not obligated to put my needs aside every time my mother wants

to use me for something.

> > >

> > > But what I would do is not the most important question. What would YOU

like to do? What seems like the best way to take care of yourself in this

situation?

> > >

> > > Sveta

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >