Guest guest Posted September 24, 2011 Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Hi, I joined this group quite a while ago(a couple of years ago I think) but have never posted before. I am a college student and my mom has BPD traits though she has never been officially diagnosed. One of the scariest things for me has been the fact that on the surface she can appear so normal and few people realize what she is really like. I try to have as little contact with her as possible and if I could I would cut her out of my life completely right now. I feel like I never really got to just be a kid because I have always been too worried and afraid to relax and have fun. I really want to get past all the issues I have from growing up with her as a so called " mother " and move on with my life. I have trouble trusting people and am always afraid that they are going to laugh at me, manipulate me, or emotionally attack me. The only time I really feel emotionally safe is when I am in my room and I can't see or hear anyone else and no one can see or hear me. I want to be able to interact with people normally and I try but I get scared and I end up spending most of my time in my room where it is safe. She seems unable to emotionally connect or truly emphasize with anyone else's feelings so it's pointless to try to tell her anything. Whenever I get upset about something she just laughs at me, tells me to get over it, or tells me " you're too emotional like your dad " . She is also really manipulative; when she wants me to do something whether it be get a haircut or go to a dance she tries to trick me by saying that we are doing something else and then trying to force me to do whatever it is she wants. She can also be pretty paranoid sometimes, thinking someone stole her credit card when she had it the whole time, thinking someone asking for directions is staking out the house to rob it etc. Her way of interpreting events and things people say is so off and if you try to correct her perception she just gets angry at you. And I don't even know what she is like when she isn't on a bunch of psychiatric medications. She gets weird when she misses a single dose; I hate to think what she would be like without the meds at all. I grew up believing that romantic relationships were bad and could never be good in real life. She treated Dad like dirt and was always bad-mouthing him or fighting with him. She never had anything good to say about relationships and then she wondered what was wrong with me and why wasn't I boy crazy. When we would go places she would tease me and be like " oh Isn't that a cute guy " but the way she said it made it really negative and uncomfortable. A lot of what she does is subtle like that and it's really the tone and attitude behind what she is saying that has the negative effect. A few years ago she apparently thought that I was old enough that she could make more sexual comments/jokes and didn't care that I didn't like it and only laughed at me. When I was a little girl I said that I never wanted to get married or have children. She started repeating this to other people-her friends, the hairdresser, pretty much anyone-while I was present and making a huge deal about it. It usually went something like this: she does a big dramatic sigh and goes " well I guess I'm NEVER going to be a grandmother because my daughter doesn't want to have kids " and the way she said it you could just tell she was trying to make me feel guilty. She still does this; it happened several times when I was home this summer. When I was 12 I had to have x-rays to check the scoliosis in my back and the person taking the x-ray said they were required to ask if I was pregnant and I got offended and said NO angrily. Mom laughed at me and teased me about it. Before I went off to college she wanted to put me on birth control and when I got upset she laughed at me. She said to me several times " yeah you can just go to college and get drunk and get pregnant " and it hurt me deeply that she said that. Did she care? No. She never seemed to notice or care that it made me really upset and uncomfortable when she did these kinds of things. Thanks to her the slightest mention of relationships, sex, pregnancy etc makes me uncomfortable and panicky. She has also accused Dad of sexually abusing me. I got home later than usual from visiting him once and went right to bed and that was her so called " evidence " . She wanted to drag me to the hospital for a " medical examination " as she put it and the only reason she didn't was because I got hysterical and screamed at her. Then she acted like nothing had happened, like she hadn't ever said something so horrible while I on the other hand was in a state of complete terror. I barely slept for weeks, the slightest thing made me jump out of my skin and I was just an overall nervous wreck for a while. When we were at a counselor once I brought it up and she wouldn't apologize, wouldn't admit she was wrong and couldn't understand why I was so upset about it. When someone says something like that about the only person you really trust and count on of course it is going to affect you. If I had any remaining doubts about not wanting to have a relationship with Mom, that got rid of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 25, 2011 Report Share Posted September 25, 2011 Welcome, I'm SO glad you posted. I think your mom has more that just a PD. The paranoia etc are a clue. I think she has committed some MAJOR boundary violations. I'm so sorry. Safe people recognize and respect boundaries - like not telling you about their sex life, or not telling others about yours. Do you still live with her? On Sat, Sep 24, 2011 at 10:23 PM, thisisjustme18 wrote: > ** > > > Hi, I joined this group quite a while ago(a couple of years ago I think) > but have never posted before. I am a college student and my mom has BPD > traits though she has never been officially diagnosed. One of the scariest > things for me has been the fact that on the surface she can appear so normal > and few people realize what she is really like. I try to have as little > contact with her as possible and if I could I would cut her out of my life > completely right now. I feel like I never really got to just be a kid > because I have always been too worried and afraid to relax and have fun. I > really want to get past all the issues I have from growing up with her as a > so called " mother " and move on with my life. I have trouble trusting people > and am always afraid that they are going to laugh at me, manipulate me, or > emotionally attack me. The only time I really feel emotionally safe is when > I am in my room and I can't see or hear anyone else and no one can see or > hear me. I want to be able to interact with people normally and I try but I > get scared and I end up spending most of my time in my room where it is > safe. > > She seems unable to emotionally connect or truly emphasize with anyone > else's feelings so it's pointless to try to tell her anything. Whenever I > get upset about something she just laughs at me, tells me to get over it, or > tells me " you're too emotional like your dad " . She is also really > manipulative; when she wants me to do something whether it be get a haircut > or go to a dance she tries to trick me by saying that we are doing something > else and then trying to force me to do whatever it is she wants. She can > also be pretty paranoid sometimes, thinking someone stole her credit card > when she had it the whole time, thinking someone asking for directions is > staking out the house to rob it etc. Her way of interpreting events and > things people say is so off and if you try to correct her perception she > just gets angry at you. And I don't even know what she is like when she > isn't on a bunch of psychiatric medications. She gets weird when she misses > a single dose; I hate to think what she would be like without the meds at > all. > > I grew up believing that romantic relationships were bad and could never be > good in real life. She treated Dad like dirt and was always bad-mouthing him > or fighting with him. She never had anything good to say about relationships > and then she wondered what was wrong with me and why wasn't I boy crazy. > When we would go places she would tease me and be like " oh Isn't that a cute > guy " but the way she said it made it really negative and uncomfortable. A > lot of what she does is subtle like that and it's really the tone and > attitude behind what she is saying that has the negative effect. A few years > ago she apparently thought that I was old enough that she could make more > sexual comments/jokes and didn't care that I didn't like it and only laughed > at me. > > When I was a little girl I said that I never wanted to get married or have > children. She started repeating this to other people-her friends, the > hairdresser, pretty much anyone-while I was present and making a huge deal > about it. It usually went something like this: she does a big dramatic sigh > and goes " well I guess I'm NEVER going to be a grandmother because my > daughter doesn't want to have kids " and the way she said it you could just > tell she was trying to make me feel guilty. She still does this; it happened > several times when I was home this summer. When I was 12 I had to have > x-rays to check the scoliosis in my back and the person taking the x-ray > said they were required to ask if I was pregnant and I got offended and said > NO angrily. Mom laughed at me and teased me about it. Before I went off to > college she wanted to put me on birth control and when I got upset she > laughed at me. She said to me several times " yeah you can just go to college > and get drunk and get pregnant " and it hurt me deeply that she said that. > Did she care? No. She never seemed to notice or care that it made me really > upset and uncomfortable when she did these kinds of things. Thanks to her > the slightest mention of relationships, sex, pregnancy etc makes me > uncomfortable and panicky. > > She has also accused Dad of sexually abusing me. I got home later than > usual from visiting him once and went right to bed and that was her so > called " evidence " . She wanted to drag me to the hospital for a " medical > examination " as she put it and the only reason she didn't was because I got > hysterical and screamed at her. Then she acted like nothing had happened, > like she hadn't ever said something so horrible while I on the other hand > was in a state of complete terror. I barely slept for weeks, the slightest > thing made me jump out of my skin and I was just an overall nervous wreck > for a while. When we were at a counselor once I brought it up and she > wouldn't apologize, wouldn't admit she was wrong and couldn't understand why > I was so upset about it. When someone says something like that about the > only person you really trust and count on of course it is going to affect > you. If I had any remaining doubts about not wanting to have a relationship > with Mom, that got rid of them. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 25, 2011 Report Share Posted September 25, 2011 Wow. TIJM, You have quite the Nada. I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. Hopefully we can be here to validate your experiences and help you process and grow through the pain. Welcome. We're very glad you're here I'm so sorry you're struggling with opening yourself up to people. It can be very difficult trusting others and letting yourself be vulnerable, even in the smallest of ways. Is this your first year of college? I'm also a college student dealing with the aftermath of a controlling crazy nada. My parents are just finishing their divorce turned domestic violence case where my nada was diagnosed with NPD, BPD and Munchausen-by-Proxy. I'm now NC and feel like I have a family with my dad and siblings for the first time in my life, 18 years too late. I can very much relate to the lack of empathy, frustrating manipulation as well as never feeling like a kid. It gives you a different view on life when you raise your parents and yourself at the same time. My nada also projected her troubles with relationships and sexuality on me. I've found it very helpful to get past these " fleas " as we call them by educating myself on sex, human anatomy and sexuality and talking with people who have healthy views on sex and relationships. It's very scary when you're taught to fear and look down on sexuality. Romantic relationships can be very fulfilling and healthy. I hope you can heal so as not to miss out on this because of your nada's failings. But you have plenty of time and I'm proud of you for taking these first, difficult steps. ((((((((Many hugs)))))))) > > Hi, I joined this group quite a while ago(a couple of years ago I think) but have never posted before. I am a college student and my mom has BPD traits though she has never been officially diagnosed. One of the scariest things for me has been the fact that on the surface she can appear so normal and few people realize what she is really like. I try to have as little contact with her as possible and if I could I would cut her out of my life completely right now. I feel like I never really got to just be a kid because I have always been too worried and afraid to relax and have fun. I really want to get past all the issues I have from growing up with her as a so called " mother " and move on with my life. I have trouble trusting people and am always afraid that they are going to laugh at me, manipulate me, or emotionally attack me. The only time I really feel emotionally safe is when I am in my room and I can't see or hear anyone else and no one can see or hear me. I want to be able to interact with people normally and I try but I get scared and I end up spending most of my time in my room where it is safe. > > She seems unable to emotionally connect or truly emphasize with anyone else's feelings so it's pointless to try to tell her anything. Whenever I get upset about something she just laughs at me, tells me to get over it, or tells me " you're too emotional like your dad " . She is also really manipulative; when she wants me to do something whether it be get a haircut or go to a dance she tries to trick me by saying that we are doing something else and then trying to force me to do whatever it is she wants. She can also be pretty paranoid sometimes, thinking someone stole her credit card when she had it the whole time, thinking someone asking for directions is staking out the house to rob it etc. Her way of interpreting events and things people say is so off and if you try to correct her perception she just gets angry at you. And I don't even know what she is like when she isn't on a bunch of psychiatric medications. She gets weird when she misses a single dose; I hate to think what she would be like without the meds at all. > > I grew up believing that romantic relationships were bad and could never be good in real life. She treated Dad like dirt and was always bad-mouthing him or fighting with him. She never had anything good to say about relationships and then she wondered what was wrong with me and why wasn't I boy crazy. When we would go places she would tease me and be like " oh Isn't that a cute guy " but the way she said it made it really negative and uncomfortable. A lot of what she does is subtle like that and it's really the tone and attitude behind what she is saying that has the negative effect. A few years ago she apparently thought that I was old enough that she could make more sexual comments/jokes and didn't care that I didn't like it and only laughed at me. > > When I was a little girl I said that I never wanted to get married or have children. She started repeating this to other people-her friends, the hairdresser, pretty much anyone-while I was present and making a huge deal about it. It usually went something like this: she does a big dramatic sigh and goes " well I guess I'm NEVER going to be a grandmother because my daughter doesn't want to have kids " and the way she said it you could just tell she was trying to make me feel guilty. She still does this; it happened several times when I was home this summer. When I was 12 I had to have x-rays to check the scoliosis in my back and the person taking the x-ray said they were required to ask if I was pregnant and I got offended and said NO angrily. Mom laughed at me and teased me about it. Before I went off to college she wanted to put me on birth control and when I got upset she laughed at me. She said to me several times " yeah you can just go to college and get drunk and get pregnant " and it hurt me deeply that she said that. Did she care? No. She never seemed to notice or care that it made me really upset and uncomfortable when she did these kinds of things. Thanks to her the slightest mention of relationships, sex, pregnancy etc makes me uncomfortable and panicky. > > She has also accused Dad of sexually abusing me. I got home later than usual from visiting him once and went right to bed and that was her so called " evidence " . She wanted to drag me to the hospital for a " medical examination " as she put it and the only reason she didn't was because I got hysterical and screamed at her. Then she acted like nothing had happened, like she hadn't ever said something so horrible while I on the other hand was in a state of complete terror. I barely slept for weeks, the slightest thing made me jump out of my skin and I was just an overall nervous wreck for a while. When we were at a counselor once I brought it up and she wouldn't apologize, wouldn't admit she was wrong and couldn't understand why I was so upset about it. When someone says something like that about the only person you really trust and count on of course it is going to affect you. If I had any remaining doubts about not wanting to have a relationship with Mom, that got rid of them. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2011 Report Share Posted September 26, 2011 Welcome to this community. I am so sorry about all your pain. You have had to be so strong and go through this all alone for so long. I am so glad you do have your dad and think what she did concerning accusing him, the one person you trust, was really horrible. She indeed sounds like she has at least BP. Do you have access to counseling at your college? I am wondering if going by yourself to get support from a professional might be really helpful to you now. You deserve all the positive support you can find and to be away from her poison as much as possible. From what you have shared your doing all you can do, get away from her and take care of yourself. > > > ** > > > > > > Hi, I joined this group quite a while ago(a couple of years ago I think) > > but have never posted before. I am a college student and my mom has BPD > > traits though she has never been officially diagnosed. One of the scariest > > things for me has been the fact that on the surface she can appear so normal > > and few people realize what she is really like. I try to have as little > > contact with her as possible and if I could I would cut her out of my life > > completely right now. I feel like I never really got to just be a kid > > because I have always been too worried and afraid to relax and have fun. I > > really want to get past all the issues I have from growing up with her as a > > so called " mother " and move on with my life. I have trouble trusting people > > and am always afraid that they are going to laugh at me, manipulate me, or > > emotionally attack me. The only time I really feel emotionally safe is when > > I am in my room and I can't see or hear anyone else and no one can see or > > hear me. I want to be able to interact with people normally and I try but I > > get scared and I end up spending most of my time in my room where it is > > safe. > > > > She seems unable to emotionally connect or truly emphasize with anyone > > else's feelings so it's pointless to try to tell her anything. Whenever I > > get upset about something she just laughs at me, tells me to get over it, or > > tells me " you're too emotional like your dad " . She is also really > > manipulative; when she wants me to do something whether it be get a haircut > > or go to a dance she tries to trick me by saying that we are doing something > > else and then trying to force me to do whatever it is she wants. She can > > also be pretty paranoid sometimes, thinking someone stole her credit card > > when she had it the whole time, thinking someone asking for directions is > > staking out the house to rob it etc. Her way of interpreting events and > > things people say is so off and if you try to correct her perception she > > just gets angry at you. And I don't even know what she is like when she > > isn't on a bunch of psychiatric medications. She gets weird when she misses > > a single dose; I hate to think what she would be like without the meds at > > all. > > > > I grew up believing that romantic relationships were bad and could never be > > good in real life. She treated Dad like dirt and was always bad-mouthing him > > or fighting with him. She never had anything good to say about relationships > > and then she wondered what was wrong with me and why wasn't I boy crazy. > > When we would go places she would tease me and be like " oh Isn't that a cute > > guy " but the way she said it made it really negative and uncomfortable. A > > lot of what she does is subtle like that and it's really the tone and > > attitude behind what she is saying that has the negative effect. A few years > > ago she apparently thought that I was old enough that she could make more > > sexual comments/jokes and didn't care that I didn't like it and only laughed > > at me. > > > > When I was a little girl I said that I never wanted to get married or have > > children. She started repeating this to other people-her friends, the > > hairdresser, pretty much anyone-while I was present and making a huge deal > > about it. It usually went something like this: she does a big dramatic sigh > > and goes " well I guess I'm NEVER going to be a grandmother because my > > daughter doesn't want to have kids " and the way she said it you could just > > tell she was trying to make me feel guilty. She still does this; it happened > > several times when I was home this summer. When I was 12 I had to have > > x-rays to check the scoliosis in my back and the person taking the x-ray > > said they were required to ask if I was pregnant and I got offended and said > > NO angrily. Mom laughed at me and teased me about it. Before I went off to > > college she wanted to put me on birth control and when I got upset she > > laughed at me. She said to me several times " yeah you can just go to college > > and get drunk and get pregnant " and it hurt me deeply that she said that. > > Did she care? No. She never seemed to notice or care that it made me really > > upset and uncomfortable when she did these kinds of things. Thanks to her > > the slightest mention of relationships, sex, pregnancy etc makes me > > uncomfortable and panicky. > > > > She has also accused Dad of sexually abusing me. I got home later than > > usual from visiting him once and went right to bed and that was her so > > called " evidence " . She wanted to drag me to the hospital for a " medical > > examination " as she put it and the only reason she didn't was because I got > > hysterical and screamed at her. Then she acted like nothing had happened, > > like she hadn't ever said something so horrible while I on the other hand > > was in a state of complete terror. I barely slept for weeks, the slightest > > thing made me jump out of my skin and I was just an overall nervous wreck > > for a while. When we were at a counselor once I brought it up and she > > wouldn't apologize, wouldn't admit she was wrong and couldn't understand why > > I was so upset about it. When someone says something like that about the > > only person you really trust and count on of course it is going to affect > > you. If I had any remaining doubts about not wanting to have a relationship > > with Mom, that got rid of them. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2011 Report Share Posted September 27, 2011 I am so sorry you have been traumatized this way. Please don't let her twisted ideas about love and sex ruin a beautiful part of your life. Mothers like yours should never have custody. I'm glad you had the courage to challenge her about these violations. She can play pretend all she wants: you know the truth and you aren't just going to pretend they didn't happen. > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > Hi, I joined this group quite a while ago(a couple of years ago I think) > > > but have never posted before. I am a college student and my mom has BPD > > > traits though she has never been officially diagnosed. One of the scariest > > > things for me has been the fact that on the surface she can appear so normal > > > and few people realize what she is really like. I try to have as little > > > contact with her as possible and if I could I would cut her out of my life > > > completely right now. I feel like I never really got to just be a kid > > > because I have always been too worried and afraid to relax and have fun. I > > > really want to get past all the issues I have from growing up with her as a > > > so called " mother " and move on with my life. I have trouble trusting people > > > and am always afraid that they are going to laugh at me, manipulate me, or > > > emotionally attack me. The only time I really feel emotionally safe is when > > > I am in my room and I can't see or hear anyone else and no one can see or > > > hear me. I want to be able to interact with people normally and I try but I > > > get scared and I end up spending most of my time in my room where it is > > > safe. > > > > > > She seems unable to emotionally connect or truly emphasize with anyone > > > else's feelings so it's pointless to try to tell her anything. Whenever I > > > get upset about something she just laughs at me, tells me to get over it, or > > > tells me " you're too emotional like your dad " . She is also really > > > manipulative; when she wants me to do something whether it be get a haircut > > > or go to a dance she tries to trick me by saying that we are doing something > > > else and then trying to force me to do whatever it is she wants. She can > > > also be pretty paranoid sometimes, thinking someone stole her credit card > > > when she had it the whole time, thinking someone asking for directions is > > > staking out the house to rob it etc. Her way of interpreting events and > > > things people say is so off and if you try to correct her perception she > > > just gets angry at you. And I don't even know what she is like when she > > > isn't on a bunch of psychiatric medications. She gets weird when she misses > > > a single dose; I hate to think what she would be like without the meds at > > > all. > > > > > > I grew up believing that romantic relationships were bad and could never be > > > good in real life. She treated Dad like dirt and was always bad-mouthing him > > > or fighting with him. She never had anything good to say about relationships > > > and then she wondered what was wrong with me and why wasn't I boy crazy. > > > When we would go places she would tease me and be like " oh Isn't that a cute > > > guy " but the way she said it made it really negative and uncomfortable. A > > > lot of what she does is subtle like that and it's really the tone and > > > attitude behind what she is saying that has the negative effect. A few years > > > ago she apparently thought that I was old enough that she could make more > > > sexual comments/jokes and didn't care that I didn't like it and only laughed > > > at me. > > > > > > When I was a little girl I said that I never wanted to get married or have > > > children. She started repeating this to other people-her friends, the > > > hairdresser, pretty much anyone-while I was present and making a huge deal > > > about it. It usually went something like this: she does a big dramatic sigh > > > and goes " well I guess I'm NEVER going to be a grandmother because my > > > daughter doesn't want to have kids " and the way she said it you could just > > > tell she was trying to make me feel guilty. She still does this; it happened > > > several times when I was home this summer. When I was 12 I had to have > > > x-rays to check the scoliosis in my back and the person taking the x-ray > > > said they were required to ask if I was pregnant and I got offended and said > > > NO angrily. Mom laughed at me and teased me about it. Before I went off to > > > college she wanted to put me on birth control and when I got upset she > > > laughed at me. She said to me several times " yeah you can just go to college > > > and get drunk and get pregnant " and it hurt me deeply that she said that. > > > Did she care? No. She never seemed to notice or care that it made me really > > > upset and uncomfortable when she did these kinds of things. Thanks to her > > > the slightest mention of relationships, sex, pregnancy etc makes me > > > uncomfortable and panicky. > > > > > > She has also accused Dad of sexually abusing me. I got home later than > > > usual from visiting him once and went right to bed and that was her so > > > called " evidence " . She wanted to drag me to the hospital for a " medical > > > examination " as she put it and the only reason she didn't was because I got > > > hysterical and screamed at her. Then she acted like nothing had happened, > > > like she hadn't ever said something so horrible while I on the other hand > > > was in a state of complete terror. I barely slept for weeks, the slightest > > > thing made me jump out of my skin and I was just an overall nervous wreck > > > for a while. When we were at a counselor once I brought it up and she > > > wouldn't apologize, wouldn't admit she was wrong and couldn't understand why > > > I was so upset about it. When someone says something like that about the > > > only person you really trust and count on of course it is going to affect > > > you. If I had any remaining doubts about not wanting to have a relationship > > > with Mom, that got rid of them. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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