REB.....Re: Re: ILL SPOUSES TOO :-(

[Guest guest]

Hi Reb,......thank you for your suggestions and sharing. Steve and I have been married for 39 years, and I got sick just 10 yrs into it. So he has had a long road of filling in when I was too ill to take care of things. I think the biggest problem is he isn't doing well with being sick now himself. He has no one to take care of him, and with work and household duties, grocery shopping its overwhelming him. I tried to find solutions to relieve him of some of those things, but we live in a rural area that doesn't service amenities this far out. I wanted to move in closer, but then the housing market went south and we ended up having to stay here for now.

I feel so bad for him, and awful that I can barely do what I absolutely need to be done for me when he is at work. He fixes my meals before he goes to work for the day, and we have put meals in the slow cooker so he doesn't have much else to prepare for dinner when he comes home. He can bring food home the nights he's extra tired too. The housework doesn't get as much attention.

I think the thing that is missing is the intimacy. When you go from being lovers to caretaker it changes the whole dynamics of the relationship. He doesn't seem to have the same attitude now towards me since that has stopped. Oh, he still recognizes our anniversary, and my b-day, Valentines day, but I can tell the changes in how it seems like its more of an obligation than true feelings. I know he loves me on some level, but its just so different than it use to be.

A motel room would be nice, and maybe if I feel better some day we can do that. I did have a beach house rented for 3 days for my b-day in July, but it never happened. I don't have any extra energy to do anything but what I absolutely have to do to keep myself fed and clean.

I try not to complain too often, but sometimes it gets to me, and I feel frustrated. Having a chronic illness is a process of learning to live with it, and when it changes in severity you have to start all over learning to live with the new stuff.

Steve is tired, I know that, and when one is extra tired tempers get short.

Thanks again Reb, and God Bless you for caring of Anne so well. :-)

Hugs and Love, Jackie

May the peace of God be with you...the love of Jesus enfold you...and the Spirit of Christ fill you.

Subject: Re: ILL SPOUSES TOO :-(To: MSersLife Date: Monday, September 27, 2010, 2:58 AM

Not exactly the same problem, I don't think. BUT I recognize some things.

We don't have several chronic illnesses, apart from the MS, at least not of any serious kind. has MS (which is a serious illness, of course, I meant the others we have aren't necessarily), and she has a bad back. I have my bad joints (early onset arthritis in, especially, my knees, but other joints are affected too, especially in my hands and arms), and a stomach with a tendency to be sensitive about a lot of thongs (I am lactose intolerant, but also can't have a lot of fat, and not too much dietary fiber, and, some times it reacts to other things as well, can't count them all...). Neither of my conditions are very serious, but they of course affect my ability to do certain things and also my energy levels at times.

And we have the situation today that I do most of the household work, today it's on a manageable level I'd say though.

But we had a period, of maybe a year, after 's dx, when had severe fatigue, and also hadn't found the right medication for that, and was also still recovering from the exacerbation that brought the diagnosis, when all household tasks, and all social "tasks" (you know, remembering birthdays, dinner invitations etc., not something I am a natural at I'd say...), and also help remembering things for (because her cognitive problems were worsened by the fatigue). It didn't lead us to fighting, but it did mean we had a hard time finding the time and energy to just be together, to talk, and to listen, and all the things a marriage / relationship should contain. And that was a strain. A solution we found at the time was to spend a weekend or a night in a hotel every now and then, where none of us had to worry about cleaning, and grocery shopping, and cooking, etc. That really was a

rescue. I know hotels can be expensive (don't know about prices in the US though), but maybe you could find something affordable. Wouldn't have to be a hotel, of course, just as long as it gives you the time and space to be together without a lot of practical work and worries.

I know that is probably no answer to the question of nursing home or not, but maybe it could help you communicating without fighting.

Just my 2c, possibly a bit irrelevant...

love

/Reb

>> Does anyone else have this problem? Both myself and hubby have several chronic illnesses, and I am more disabled then he is so most of the everyday household duties are left up to him, plus he works at a full time job. I do feel bad for him, and having to attend to some of my needs [i try not to ask for too much, and go without a lot], is causing him to be on overload quite a bit. We can't afford to have respite care, insurance doesn't cover it, and family is too far away or too busy with their own lives to help us. > Anyhow, within the last few years our relationship has deteriorated to the point that we fight all the time. It just keeps getting worse, and he's not the type to accept that anything is that bad that things need to change. But, I'm miserable living like this and suggested maybe I should go to a nursing home, and of course he doesn't think I'm

that bad off to need to. I don't want to, but at the same time I have needs that should be done on a regular basis, but I don't want to burden him anymore than it seems that I am. He is having awful memory problems, and forgets to take his medicines, and do things that are important. I worry about him, and don't want to leave him as my memory isn't as bad so I am here to remind him, and I know that we need to be here for each other, but I just can't stand the stress of the arguing all the time. He argues over everything I bring up, and when I try to explain why I feel the way I do, he dismisses it as not viable. > Anyone else having problems with their spouses like this, and if so what do you do to get along?> > > > > > > > > > Hugs and Love, Jackie > May the peace of God be with you...> the love of Jesus enfold you...> and the Spirit of Christ fill

you.> > > >