Need advice to help my daughter

[Guest guest]

My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been dealing

recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call her Friend.

Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her behaviors, the way

Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd behaviors and it alarmed me.

(Please understand: I know this is just a kid and I cannot diagnose her.)

Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing unusual.

Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her to make sure

we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what she meant by

that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing that she done

before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw, Friend's mom and

I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to Friend about this and

Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

* gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as " Friend's mad

at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

* cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put herself

above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it doesn't

really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't have

mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it should. She is

not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there first and don't need

to give your spot up to anyone. "

* gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely eats

with other girls whenever SHE wants

* gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full attention right

away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and Friend started

talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was doing, but it wasn't

fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it, making Daughter seem to

others that she had done something bad to her.

What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will ask Friend

constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow her favor on her

or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit with me today... "

Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior with,

conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to! (then again,

no one else has behaved this way with her)

They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used the

" you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she wants. I told

Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it works. Saying " no " is

ok. "

Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together to

figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all aired

out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she feels the

most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's affecting my

kid's self esteem.

Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all meet? I

certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it clear to HER,

not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore about her behavior

and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and principal.

Thanks for any feedback!

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Oh, Lord. Girls and their " best friend " drama. It is really different with

boys (which is where my experience lies) so maybe the parents of daughters will

be able to give you better advice - but I'm thinking this: Is there some way to

help your daughter disengage from this little bully? It sounds like she's a bit

more advanced in the techniques of manipulation, and she's playing your daughter

like a cheap violin. While it would be wonderful to maintain the friendship,

and it sounds like you have a good relationship with the other mother (which is

no small thing), maybe this girl just isn't going to be a good influence on your

daughter. Maybe it's time to let the friendship go.

Can you maybe ask your daughter to make a list of all her " friends " and then

talk about what she likes about all of them? The goal would be to help her

realize that she has lots of friends, and she doesn't have to be Best Friends

with just one person (yeah, I know, that's more boy-like). Then when she talks

about the abuse she's getting from BFF Bully, ask her if her other friends

(refer to the list) treat her like that. If not, then it really is just this

one kid, and you have a list of other people who DO like her and treat her well.

That leads to a discussion of how we do NOT have to put up with anybody treating

us with cruelty, and how we are allowed to be friends with everybody, and how

friendships can be allowed to end without a big scene (more common to boys, I

know).

Once she can grasp that a real friend does not treat her with disrespect, how

about some role-playing, to help her learn some good responses? " If I cut in

front of you, what could you say to me? " " If I threaten to stop being your

friend, how can you answer me? "

Is there a 7-year-old's version of Medium Chill?

>

> My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been dealing

recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call her Friend.

>

> Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her behaviors, the

way Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd behaviors and it alarmed

me. (Please understand: I know this is just a kid and I cannot diagnose her.)

>

> Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing unusual.

Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her to make sure

we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what she meant by

that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing that she done

before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

>

> Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw, Friend's mom

and I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to Friend about this

and Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

>

> * gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as " Friend's mad

at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

>

> * cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put herself

above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it doesn't

really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't have

mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it should. She is

not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there first and don't need

to give your spot up to anyone. "

>

> * gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely eats

with other girls whenever SHE wants

>

> * gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full attention

right away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and Friend started

talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was doing, but it wasn't

fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it, making Daughter seem to

others that she had done something bad to her.

>

> What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will ask

Friend constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow her favor

on her or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit with me today... "

>

> Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior with,

conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to! (then again,

no one else has behaved this way with her)

>

> They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used the

" you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she wants. I told

Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it works. Saying " no " is

ok. "

>

> Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together to

figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all aired

out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she feels the

most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's affecting my

kid's self esteem.

>

> Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all meet? I

certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it clear to HER,

not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore about her behavior

and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and principal.

>

> Thanks for any feedback!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona,

I guess the big issue here for me would be how my daughter was feeling about

herself, and her self esteem. I agree with you, her reaction to this other girl,

the FRIEND, is the most concern. I have a daughter who is now in her

mid-twenties, and middle school ( just around the corner for your girl) was

brutal. I am thinking my best advice to you is to get your daughter thinking

about the big picture and involved in a couple things she really enjoys. a team

or individual sport, clubs, hobbies, sewing, horse back riding, skiing, dance,

gymnastics, playing an instrument, etc. anything that can be hers that she can

master and excel at. It will serve her self esteem well, in general and when

she is dealing with pips such as this FRIEND. Pretty soon transitioning into

middle school is going to shake all the friendships up and having something that

makes her feel herself and confident about would be a big help. Also- it will

bring new people into her life.

Another thought is that giving this friendship some space would not be a bad

idea, and encouraging time on other friendships to give your daughter some

perspective and choice. What a bonus that the other mom is so realistic and a

real friend.

Your daughter is fortunate to have a mom who notices and cares so much.

>

> My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been dealing

recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call her Friend.

>

> Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her behaviors, the

way Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd behaviors and it alarmed

me. (Please understand: I know this is just a kid and I cannot diagnose her.)

>

> Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing unusual.

Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her to make sure

we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what she meant by

that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing that she done

before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

>

> Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw, Friend's mom

and I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to Friend about this

and Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

>

> * gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as " Friend's mad

at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

>

> * cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put herself

above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it doesn't

really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't have

mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it should. She is

not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there first and don't need

to give your spot up to anyone. "

>

> * gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely eats

with other girls whenever SHE wants

>

> * gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full attention

right away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and Friend started

talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was doing, but it wasn't

fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it, making Daughter seem to

others that she had done something bad to her.

>

> What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will ask

Friend constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow her favor

on her or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit with me today... "

>

> Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior with,

conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to! (then again,

no one else has behaved this way with her)

>

> They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used the

" you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she wants. I told

Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it works. Saying " no " is

ok. "

>

> Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together to

figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all aired

out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she feels the

most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's affecting my

kid's self esteem.

>

> Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all meet? I

certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it clear to HER,

not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore about her behavior

and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and principal.

>

> Thanks for any feedback!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

OK - maybe not what you want to hear, but this is very typical 7-8 yr old girl

behavior. It is a very distinct developmental stage, and if they don't

learn/resolve it then, they go through it again in middle school, only it's much

worse as the stakes are much higher.

My best suggestion is to talk with their teacher right away- Tomorrow is not too

soon!- not to " tell on " Friend, but to enlist her help and find out what she is

already doing with this situation so that the 2 (or 3, counting in the other

mom) of you can work together with the girls, i.e. same messages, same words,

consequences, etc.

Both girls need to learn healthy ways to ask for and get their needs met. Some

schools refer to it as Character Training, or assertiveness training is an

older term, there are several names and lots of programs, and then there's good

old common sense that all successful early elementary teachers have to help them

survive!! I urge you to tap into it.

It's developmental and Very Important- don't shortcut the learning now or

believe me, you will pay for it later!

(also, if her school has more than one classroom per grade, I'd highly suggest

they be separated next year. and as often as possible this year.)

Chris

PS Truth in posting- I was an upper elementary teacher for lots of years-

couldn't do this 7-8 yr old piece or the middle school piece, due to being the

adult kid of a bpd/npd. But I have the upmost admiration for the teachers who

do!

>

> My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been dealing

recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call her Friend.

>

> Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her behaviors, the

way Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd behaviors and it alarmed

me. (Please understand: I know this is just a kid and I cannot diagnose her.)

>

> Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing unusual.

Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her to make sure

we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what she meant by

that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing that she done

before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

>

> Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw, Friend's mom

and I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to Friend about this

and Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

>

> * gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as " Friend's mad

at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

>

> * cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put herself

above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it doesn't

really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't have

mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it should. She is

not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there first and don't need

to give your spot up to anyone. "

>

> * gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely eats

with other girls whenever SHE wants

>

> * gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full attention

right away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and Friend started

talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was doing, but it wasn't

fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it, making Daughter seem to

others that she had done something bad to her.

>

> What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will ask

Friend constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow her favor

on her or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit with me today... "

>

> Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior with,

conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to! (then again,

no one else has behaved this way with her)

>

> They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used the

" you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she wants. I told

Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it works. Saying " no " is

ok. "

>

> Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together to

figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all aired

out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she feels the

most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's affecting my

kid's self esteem.

>

> Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all meet? I

certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it clear to HER,

not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore about her behavior

and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and principal.

>

> Thanks for any feedback!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm a Mom of 2 boys and baby girl so I have no experience with girls this age.

I would just ask daughter directly what it is she wants to do. She can give the

answer herself. I wouldn't prompt her to do anything, i wouldn't advise her to

do anything either. Direct is best, and give her time to come to you to tell

you what bothers her. Sometimes, asking a Kid what's wrong is too much

pressure. It's best to be around her, and she will eventually open up to what

she really wants.

I'm a proponent of " free " children. they need to choose what to do and to learn

from their mistakes. Our role is to be there for them when they need us.

Of course, as a Mom I would love to rush in there and tell the little misfit

off. But resist the urge to swoop in and save your daughter. This is a skill

she needs to learn for later on in life.

However, if the bullying becomes physical and/or persistent over time, then you

need to step in and have them separated in different classes. Bullying over a

long period of time can ruin people. At this point, I would tell you that it

would be ok to tell the little misfit off yourself. She needs to get a dose of

reality too. She can't expect to go around doing this with no repercussions.

A book which inspired me: " Summerhill " by A.S. Neill.

Hope this helps.

N

> OK - maybe not what you want to hear, but this is very typical 7-8 yr old girl

behavior. It is a very distinct developmental stage, and if they don't

learn/resolve it then, they go through it again in middle school, only it's much

worse as the stakes are much higher.

>

> My best suggestion is to talk with their teacher right away- Tomorrow is not

too soon!- not to " tell on " Friend, but to enlist her help and find out what she

is already doing with this situation so that the 2 (or 3, counting in the other

mom) of you can work together with the girls, i.e. same messages, same words,

consequences, etc.

>

> Both girls need to learn healthy ways to ask for and get their needs met. Some

schools refer to it as Character Training, or assertiveness training is an older

term, there are several names and lots of programs, and then there's good old

common sense that all successful early elementary teachers have to help them

survive!! I urge you to tap into it.

>

> It's developmental and Very Important- don't shortcut the learning now or

believe me, you will pay for it later!

>

> (also, if her school has more than one classroom per grade, I'd highly suggest

they be separated next year. and as often as possible this year.)

>

> Chris

> PS Truth in posting- I was an upper elementary teacher for lots of years-

couldn't do this 7-8 yr old piece or the middle school piece, due to being the

adult kid of a bpd/npd. But I have the upmost admiration for the teachers who

do!

>

>

> >

> > My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been dealing

recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call her Friend.

> >

> > Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her behaviors, the

way Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd behaviors and it alarmed

me. (Please understand: I know this is just a kid and I cannot diagnose her.)

> >

> > Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing unusual.

Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her to make sure

we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what she meant by

that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing that she done

before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

> >

> > Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw, Friend's mom

and I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to Friend about this

and Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

> >

> > * gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as " Friend's

mad at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

> >

> > * cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put

herself above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it

doesn't really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you

wouldn't have mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it

should. She is not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there first

and don't need to give your spot up to anyone. "

> >

> > * gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely eats

with other girls whenever SHE wants

> >

> > * gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full attention

right away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and Friend started

talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was doing, but it wasn't

fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it, making Daughter seem to

others that she had done something bad to her.

> >

> > What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will ask

Friend constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow her favor

on her or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit with me today... "

> >

> > Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior with,

conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to! (then again,

no one else has behaved this way with her)

> >

> > They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used the

" you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she wants. I told

Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it works. Saying " no " is

ok. "

> >

> > Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together to

figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all aired

out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she feels the

most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's affecting my

kid's self esteem.

> >

> > Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all meet? I

certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it clear to HER,

not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore about her behavior

and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and principal.

> >

> > Thanks for any feedback!

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Tough situation. Friend sounds like she's good at figuring out how to get her

needs met, is resentful of any relationship you daughter has without her, and

can be controlling and cruel. She sounds very angry with your daughter. Can your

daughter flat out ask her Friend if she is angry? Is that the reason Friend is

treating her so badly? Depending on their age, this may be beyond their level.

As heartbreaking as this is, maybe now is a good time to express to your

daughter that friendships sometimes run their course. Only one person being

friendly is not a friendship anymore. I would urge your daughter to make new

friends, hopefully ones who are less controlling and manipulative.

My only playmate options from age 5-11 was a girl similar to Friend. She was the

middle child in her family and used to playing the situation however she needed

to in order to get her way. She threatened to withhold friendship with me

frequently to manipulate me. I eventually went to a bigger school and called her

bluff by developing new friends.

It will be a shame if they can't work this out and then have class together all

year long. But you also don't want your daughter's self esteem to be ransacked

by this girl! I'm still a bit embarrassed about throwing my body across my door

and begging 'Roxanne' to not leave me.

As for talking directly to the girl, you are in a bad spot there. I've never had

any luck with the school system with these things. Is there any way you and her

mother can get together with both girls and encourage them to talk it out?

>

> My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been dealing

recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call her Friend.

>

> Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her behaviors, the

way Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd behaviors and it alarmed

me. (Please understand: I know this is just a kid and I cannot diagnose her.)

>

> Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing unusual.

Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her to make sure

we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what she meant by

that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing that she done

before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

>

> Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw, Friend's mom

and I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to Friend about this

and Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

>

> * gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as " Friend's mad

at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

>

> * cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put herself

above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it doesn't

really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't have

mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it should. She is

not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there first and don't need

to give your spot up to anyone. "

>

> * gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely eats

with other girls whenever SHE wants

>

> * gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full attention

right away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and Friend started

talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was doing, but it wasn't

fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it, making Daughter seem to

others that she had done something bad to her.

>

> What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will ask

Friend constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow her favor

on her or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit with me today... "

>

> Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior with,

conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to! (then again,

no one else has behaved this way with her)

>

> They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used the

" you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she wants. I told

Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it works. Saying " no " is

ok. "

>

> Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together to

figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all aired

out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she feels the

most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's affecting my

kid's self esteem.

>

> Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all meet? I

certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it clear to HER,

not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore about her behavior

and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and principal.

>

> Thanks for any feedback!

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, everyone, for your feedback!!

I agree, I've told my daughter, that she has lots of other friendships and that

it's ok for one to end. That's when she cries. I like the idea of listing her

friends and talk about what she likes re: each one. I think it'd be good for her

to see, in black and white, that she's rich in friends.

We've done role playing. I think, though, when the actual moment happens, she

freezes up when this girl comes along and cuts in front of her on line. It's

weird. It's almost like MY response to my mother many times – I freeze in fear

of her rage. And that's what my daughter says, that she acts to avoid her

friend's anger and to keep her happy!! I try to tell her, SHE (my daughter) is

a queen, she is a princess and a star and should allow no one to treat her that

way, that it's really ok to say no, and that she may just have to learn (almost

welcome!) this girl's anger, to tolerate her anger. She can't walk on eggshells

(nod to Randi!).

Yes! We've got to get her in a hobby with other kids. I'm thinking of Girl

Scouts or a dance class, piano class.

The mom, Friend, my daughter and I are all meeting tomorrow for pizza to talk

about this, so wish me luck!!!!

Thanks again for your great ideas and support.

Fiona

> >

> > My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been dealing

recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call her Friend.

> >

> > Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her behaviors, the

way Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd behaviors and it alarmed

me. (Please understand: I know this is just a kid and I cannot diagnose her.)

> >

> > Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing unusual.

Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her to make sure

we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what she meant by

that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing that she done

before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

> >

> > Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw, Friend's mom

and I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to Friend about this

and Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

> >

> > * gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as " Friend's

mad at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

> >

> > * cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put

herself above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it

doesn't really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you

wouldn't have mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it

should. She is not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there first

and don't need to give your spot up to anyone. "

> >

> > * gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely eats

with other girls whenever SHE wants

> >

> > * gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full attention

right away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and Friend started

talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was doing, but it wasn't

fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it, making Daughter seem to

others that she had done something bad to her.

> >

> > What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will ask

Friend constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow her favor

on her or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit with me today... "

> >

> > Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior with,

conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to! (then again,

no one else has behaved this way with her)

> >

> > They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used the

" you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she wants. I told

Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it works. Saying " no " is

ok. "

> >

> > Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together to

figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all aired

out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she feels the

most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's affecting my

kid's self esteem.

> >

> > Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all meet? I

certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it clear to HER,

not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore about her behavior

and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and principal.

> >

> > Thanks for any feedback!

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Oh wow Fi, that is fantastic that the moms AND daughters are going to meet

to discuss the problem. I think that sets a fantastic example for her. One

other thought - can you model it for her with a friend, OR tell her about a

time when a friend treated you badly and tell her what you did? i think that

would be cool, just thinking about the kids I teach. . .

> **

>

>

> Thanks, everyone, for your feedback!!

>

> I agree, I've told my daughter, that she has lots of other friendships and

> that it's ok for one to end. That's when she cries. I like the idea of

> listing her friends and talk about what she likes re: each one. I think it'd

> be good for her to see, in black and white, that she's rich in friends.

>

> We've done role playing. I think, though, when the actual moment happens,

> she freezes up when this girl comes along and cuts in front of her on line.

> It's weird. It's almost like MY response to my mother many times – I freeze

> in fear of her rage. And that's what my daughter says, that she acts to

> avoid her friend's anger and to keep her happy!! I try to tell her, SHE (my

> daughter) is a queen, she is a princess and a star and should allow no one

> to treat her that way, that it's really ok to say no, and that she may just

> have to learn (almost welcome!) this girl's anger, to tolerate her anger.

> She can't walk on eggshells (nod to Randi!).

>

> Yes! We've got to get her in a hobby with other kids. I'm thinking of Girl

> Scouts or a dance class, piano class.

>

> The mom, Friend, my daughter and I are all meeting tomorrow for pizza to

> talk about this, so wish me luck!!!!

>

> Thanks again for your great ideas and support.

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

> > >

> > > My younger daughter (I'll call her Daughter) is 7. She has been

> dealing recently with a situation at school with her best friend. Let's call

> her Friend.

> > >

> > > Friend is not behaving like a friend at all and, in fact, her

> behaviors, the way Daughter describes them, reminded me of some bpd

> behaviors and it alarmed me. (Please understand: I know this is just a kid

> and I cannot diagnose her.)

> > >

> > > Last night, Daughter said she was calling Friend. That''s nothing

> unusual. Friend wasn't home. Daughter said, " yeah, I just wanted to call her

> to make sure we're still friends. " That's when her dad and I asked her what

> she meant by that and it all came out, things that Friend has been doing

> that she done before, mildly, but that now have escalated.

> > >

> > > Friend doesn't treat any one else in their class this way. Btw,

> Friend's mom and I are friends; we talked last night after she talked to

> Friend about this and Friend admitted to the following behaviors:

> > >

> > > * gives Daughter random dirty looks (Daughter interprets them as

> " Friend's mad at me, I did something and need to make her happy again " )

> > >

> > > * cuts in front of Daughter in the morning class line (kind of to put

> herself above Daughter); Daughter lets her. Last night, Daughter said, " it

> doesn't really bother me. " I said, " sweetie, if it didn't bother you, you

> wouldn't have mentioned it 3 times tonight. Of course it bothers you, and it

> should. She is not better than you, nor you than her. You were just there

> first and don't need to give your spot up to anyone. "

> > >

> > > * gets upset if Daughter is eating lunch with other girls....but freely

> eats with other girls whenever SHE wants

> > >

> > > * gets upset/cries easily if Daughter doesn't give her her full

> attention right away (e.g., Daughter said she was working on spelling, and

> Friend started talking to her. Daughter was trying to finish what she was

> doing, but it wasn't fast enough for Friend. Friend started crying about it,

> making Daughter seem to others that she had done something bad to her.

> > >

> > > What concerns me greatly is Daughter's response to all this. She will

> ask Friend constantly, " are we still friends? " Friend will either bestow

> her favor on her or if she's in a bad mood, will say " No, you didn't sit

> with me today... "

> > >

> > > Just as Daughter is the only person Friend does this diva behavior

> with, conversely, Friend is the only person Daughter reacts this way to!

> (then again, no one else has behaved this way with her)

> > >

> > > They have known each other from kindergarten and Friend has always used

> the " you're not my friend anymore " card to get Daughter to do what she

> wants. I told Daughter, " you're the only one she does this with, b/c it

> works. Saying " no " is ok. "

> > >

> > > Again, her mom and I had a long talk last night (she's really great; no

> defensiveness or " not my baby " stuff; we're really trying to work together

> to figure this out and are meeting this week with the girls to get this all

> aired out). She suggested her daughter is like this with mine because she

> feels the most comfortable with her. I told her, that could be, but it's

> affecting my kid's self esteem.

> > >

> > > Any suggestions on what I could say directly to Friend when we all

> meet? I certainly don't want to bully her back, but I do want to make it

> clear to HER, not her mom, that I'm going over mom's head if I hear anymore

> about her behavior and then she'll have to deal with the teacher and

> principal.

> > >

> > > Thanks for any feedback!

> > >

> > > Fiona

> > >

> > >