In crisis mode- please help!

September 29, 2011

Dear all non-BPs,

Some guidance and support is needed right now in my life and time of crisis.

This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I just had my first child

3 months ago. But, since the birth of my son, it seems like my FOO has

unraveled at the seams. Allow me to give you all an update, since I rarely am

on this webchat, even though I very much need to be here regularly. Ok, so 6

years ago:

1- Queen BP sister had a drug-induced breakdown and was Baker Acted and forced

into treatment, along with her husband #3, also Baker Acted due to drugs. And

PS, my BP sister abused me at 4 years old...No need to expand on this topic.

2- Waif BP mom, recovering Alcoholic at the time, tried to triangulate me in and

get me to take the 3 children before the State would take them away from #1

above. Since then, I have had no relationship with my nieces and nephew due to

my NC decisions. It's been very hard on me, for I love them very much. I send

gifts and cards for holidays, but that's about all I can do.

3- Decided after 30 years of this madness that enough was enough. I did not do

my normal rescue routine, and went NC with both of the above.

4- Nada called 42 times the first weekend she got the NC letter. Total chaos,

talk about FOG--- I felt it for the first 2 years with such intensity, it was

almost enough to break me. She even relapsed on alcohol to guilt me into

rescuing her again. I was very badly enmeshed with these 2 BPs, and the ship

was sinking, I was going down with it. NC was my life-raft.

5- Since then, I have managed to have a successful marriage, just celebrated 9

years last weekend. I have a successful business, a beautiful home, some money

in the bank (I used to spend all my money saving and rescuing the FOO) And now,

a perfect little boy. I have been attending CODA for 6 years and I have created

my own happy family of choice. All in all, I'd say life is pretty good!

But, let me catch you all up to date. My father and step-mother have SERIOUSLY

destroyed my trust and faith in some of my decisions. I have 2 more sisters.

Half-sisters. One I thought I was VERY close with. The other is also a BP and

recovering drug addict. Let's discuss the BP first. She is nearly 23 years

old, and just got out of jail a month ago. She has spent the last 12 years on

and off heroin and been in jail the past 3 years for grand theft, drug related.

I have written a few letters to this sibling in jail. Sent some b-day and

Christmas cards. But aside from that, we haven't had much of a relationship.

How can I, she's been in jail? But, the last year of her jail she spent in this

half-way bridge type facility, (run by the DOC) to bridge her back from jail and

assimilate her back into real life. My father and step-mom wanted me to go when

I was 6 months pregnant to " family day " at this bridge facility. I declined,

and it turned into an ugly fight with my dad and step-mom. They felt I was

going to NC this sibling just like I NC'd the other side of the family. Not

entirely true, but I do have a boundary in place, not to let this sibling around

my son for the first 3 years of his life. I want to make sure that this sibling

is sober and sober for a LONG time without relapsing or going back to jail, or

whatever. MY CHOICE TO PROTECT MY SON!!!!!!!! Well, my boundary making has

thrown my entire FOO out of whack. After 3 days of giving birth to my son, I

sent a boundaries letter via email to my father and step-mom BOUNDARIES FOR MY

SON. In the letter were 6 main boundaries.

1- NC with BP Mom (who, by the way, my dad and step-mom have been NC with since

I turned 17 and moved out of their house, pot calling kettle black!)

2- NC with BP Sis (the one from #1 way above)

3- unfortunately, my son will not be around #1s children (my nieces and nephew)

due to NC with #1 and #2 above.

4- no family holidays or vacations where other half will be there (we will

respectfully bow out)

5- I will develop what relationship I can with BP sister (#3, one fresh out of

jail), but she will not be allowed around my son for first 3 years of his life,

until she can prove herself trustworthy and a good influence.

6- My husband has sat on the sidelines with FOO for years, but he will call out

anyone who breaks boundaries, bc this is his son too. We will be his voice,

since he will not have one.

Seems harsh when written in print, I had every intention of delivering

boundaries in person, but son came a month early. Never got the chance. They

got this emailed letter 3 days after he was born, bc they were pissed that they

had #3 at their house and couldn't get away from #3 to come see my son. I got

an emailed response from step-mom that same day. It was berating, and pretty

much downright evil. It basically told me and my boundaries to go F off. I

never responded to it. If they really wanted to see him, they could've found a

way. They just didn't want to piss off #3, due to enmeshment of their own.

Again, CHOICES. It took them 5 weeks to come see their grandchild for the first

time, only after #3 had to go back into the Bridge facility to finish her last

month there. At that visit, things were really tense. At that visit, I gave #3

a very nice put together picture album of the baby and a card with a letter. I

wanted her to

know that I had no intention of going NC with her, that I loved her very much.

It's just that I wanted to protect my son for the first few years of his life

just until I saw some serious change on the OUTSIDE of 4 confined walls. She

mailed back an NC letter to me of 4 pages filled with hate. I can't even begin

to tell you the evil words put on print. It's enough to rip someone apart. And

2 weeks after that, I got an email from my father. It was a response to my

boundaries letter. It also basically told me to go F myself and my boundaries.

Worst part is: he cc'd all 3 of my sisters on this. So, now there is lovely

triangulation going on here. My dad cannot stand it that I do not worship him.

See, he has NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!!! Par for the course with all

the BP women that are in his life. Since, I do not worship him or his money or

his cars or his homes, then I am NO ONE! I have a Higher Power, and it AIN'T

him. Oh and 1 more thing: I sent my niece of sister #1 (the Queen BP) sent me

an NC letter and returned the b-day gift I sent to her. she said it's bc my

letters hurt her too much. What letter? You mean the one your grandfather so

eloquently shared with his grandchildren to rally up the troops against me?

That boundary letter was never meant for anyone but him and my step-mom. What

an evil SOB!

Here's the really sad part: My half-sister, who I thought I was really close to,

has hardly talked to me since that email from my dad got sent to all of us. She

had a son 3 months before I did. We were pregnant together, totally having fun

at baby showers. I planned hers, she planned mine. We were totally going to

raise our sons together. We were the 2 " normies " in the FOO. She has a normal

job, normal home, normal husband. We were really excited to have our sons be

close cousins. I think we've had 2 phone conversations in the past 6 weeks. We

used to talk every other day. And the 2 phone calls have been bc I have reached

out. The conversations are really awkward. It's like she feels guilty talking

to me. My Dad and step-mom have successfully driven a wedge between us. With

that email to all of us, it said, " you are either with her (the sick and

isolated one) or you're with us. " The main difference bw #4 and me is that she

is 11 years younger than I am, and still on the " teet " of mom and dad. I am

financially independent, have been since 17.

I feel EXTREMELY alone. I have been going to my therapist and she is trying to

help me move on and just keep on with my recovery and family of choice. I know

I cannot change my FOO, this is fact. But, I just feel my foundation has been

cracked and I feel like maybe all the decisions I have made are isolating and

not good. Why has the FOG rolled in on me so deep? My stomach is in knots

(like they used to be 6 years ago before I went NC)

I want to be a good Mom and give my son every chance that I didn't get growing

up with BPD and NPD. Why is it that I am the only one who makes correct and

healthy choices, but feel like I am the black sheep and doing something wrong?

I guess I just need to keep praying and ask God for guidance, support and LOVE.

The kind of love that is pure and not full of obligations and conditions.

Any advice?

Love to all the NON BPs that suffer,

Mandy

September 29, 2011

Here's my advice - hold tight to your boundaries, think as little about your

FOO as you can and continue therapy. It sounds like you know what to do -

but the FOO is trying to rip you apart emotionally for breaking their family

rules. In your position, I would pick up a copy of The Family Crucible by

August Napier and Carl Whitaker, and read it. Keep doing therapy. And stop

reading communications and answering the phone and listening to messages

from you FOO - I think their Emotional Blackmail is working - you both know

the old roles and they are manipulating you hardcore!

I think if you can stop reaching out to your FOO, stop listening to them,

stop reading their words etc etc etc, i think that will help a lot and will

help you build your brain pathways to make their Emo Blackmail less

effective in the future when you are stronger. You might also (and just a

thought) try to be sure that you don't have any postpartum hormonal issues

contributing and that you are taking time for you and getting some exercize,

rest and good nutrition. One thought would be to find a yoga or belly dance

or other class where you can meet supportive women. Having supportive

friends (and yea, you have to use boundaries to make sure they are real

friends and not assholes) can really help as you build your own family and

recover from the FOG.

HUGS, sounds like you are making some great decisions and just need a little

support to help you keep those boundaries ROCK SOLID!!! You've got that

support right here

<3 Girlscout

> **

>

> Dear all non-BPs,

>

> Some guidance and support is needed right now in my life and time of

> crisis. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I just had my

> first child 3 months ago. But, since the birth of my son, it seems like my

> FOO has unraveled at the seams. Allow me to give you all an update, since I

> rarely am on this webchat, even though I very much need to be here

> regularly. Ok, so 6 years ago:

>

> 1- Queen BP sister had a drug-induced breakdown and was Baker Acted and

> forced into treatment, along with her husband #3, also Baker Acted due to

> drugs. And PS, my BP sister abused me at 4 years old...No need to expand on

> this topic.

> 2- Waif BP mom, recovering Alcoholic at the time, tried to triangulate me

> in and get me to take the 3 children before the State would take them away

> from #1 above. Since then, I have had no relationship with my nieces and

> nephew due to my NC decisions. It's been very hard on me, for I love them

> very much. I send gifts and cards for holidays, but that's about all I can

> do.

> 3- Decided after 30 years of this madness that enough was enough. I did

> not do my normal rescue routine, and went NC with both of the above.

> 4- Nada called 42 times the first weekend she got the NC letter. Total

> chaos, talk about FOG--- I felt it for the first 2 years with such

> intensity, it was almost enough to break me. She even relapsed on alcohol

> to guilt me into rescuing her again. I was very badly enmeshed with these 2

> BPs, and the ship was sinking, I was going down with it. NC was my

> life-raft.

> 5- Since then, I have managed to have a successful marriage, just

> celebrated 9 years last weekend. I have a successful business, a beautiful

> home, some money in the bank (I used to spend all my money saving and

> rescuing the FOO) And now, a perfect little boy. I have been attending

> CODA for 6 years and I have created my own happy family of choice. All in

> all, I'd say life is pretty good!

>

> But, let me catch you all up to date. My father and step-mother have

> SERIOUSLY destroyed my trust and faith in some of my decisions. I have 2

> more sisters. Half-sisters. One I thought I was VERY close with. The

> other is also a BP and recovering drug addict. Let's discuss the BP first.

> She is nearly 23 years old, and just got out of jail a month ago. She has

> spent the last 12 years on and off heroin and been in jail the past 3 years

> for grand theft, drug related. I have written a few letters to this sibling

> in jail. Sent some b-day and Christmas cards. But aside from that, we

> haven't had much of a relationship. How can I, she's been in jail? But,

> the last year of her jail she spent in this half-way bridge type facility,

> (run by the DOC) to bridge her back from jail and assimilate her back into

> real life. My father and step-mom wanted me to go when I was 6 months

> pregnant to " family day " at this bridge facility. I declined,

> and it turned into an ugly fight with my dad and step-mom. They felt I was

> going to NC this sibling just like I NC'd the other side of the family. Not

> entirely true, but I do have a boundary in place, not to let this sibling

> around my son for the first 3 years of his life. I want to make sure that

> this sibling is sober and sober for a LONG time without relapsing or going

> back to jail, or whatever. MY CHOICE TO PROTECT MY SON!!!!!!!! Well, my

> boundary making has thrown my entire FOO out of whack. After 3 days of

> giving birth to my son, I sent a boundaries letter via email to my father

> and step-mom BOUNDARIES FOR MY SON. In the letter were 6 main boundaries.

> 1- NC with BP Mom (who, by the way, my dad and step-mom have been NC with

> since I turned 17 and moved out of their house, pot calling kettle black!)

> 2- NC with BP Sis (the one from #1 way above)

> 3- unfortunately, my son will not be around #1s children (my nieces and

> nephew) due to NC with #1 and #2 above.

> 4- no family holidays or vacations where other half will be there (we will

> respectfully bow out)

> 5- I will develop what relationship I can with BP sister (#3, one fresh out

> of jail), but she will not be allowed around my son for first 3 years of his

> life, until she can prove herself trustworthy and a good influence.

> 6- My husband has sat on the sidelines with FOO for years, but he will call

> out anyone who breaks boundaries, bc this is his son too. We will be his

> voice, since he will not have one.

>

> Seems harsh when written in print, I had every intention of delivering

> boundaries in person, but son came a month early. Never got the chance.

> They got this emailed letter 3 days after he was born, bc they were pissed

> that they had #3 at their house and couldn't get away from #3 to come see my

> son. I got an emailed response from step-mom that same day. It was

> berating, and pretty much downright evil. It basically told me and my

> boundaries to go F off. I never responded to it. If they really wanted to

> see him, they could've found a way. They just didn't want to piss off #3,

> due to enmeshment of their own. Again, CHOICES. It took them 5 weeks to

> come see their grandchild for the first time, only after #3 had to go back

> into the Bridge facility to finish her last month there. At that visit,

> things were really tense. At that visit, I gave #3 a very nice put together

> picture album of the baby and a card with a letter. I wanted her to

> know that I had no intention of going NC with her, that I loved her very

> much. It's just that I wanted to protect my son for the first few years of

> his life just until I saw some serious change on the OUTSIDE of 4 confined

> walls. She mailed back an NC letter to me of 4 pages filled with hate. I

> can't even begin to tell you the evil words put on print. It's enough to

> rip someone apart. And 2 weeks after that, I got an email from my father.

> It was a response to my boundaries letter. It also basically told me to go

> F myself and my boundaries. Worst part is: he cc'd all 3 of my sisters on

> this. So, now there is lovely triangulation going on here. My dad cannot

> stand it that I do not worship him. See, he has NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY

> DISORDER!!! Par for the course with all the BP women that are in his life.

> Since, I do not worship him or his money or his cars or his homes, then I am

> NO ONE! I have a Higher Power, and it AIN'T

> him. Oh and 1 more thing: I sent my niece of sister #1 (the Queen BP) sent

> me an NC letter and returned the b-day gift I sent to her. she said it's bc

> my letters hurt her too much. What letter? You mean the one your

> grandfather so eloquently shared with his grandchildren to rally up the

> troops against me? That boundary letter was never meant for anyone but him

> and my step-mom. What an evil SOB!

>

> Here's the really sad part: My half-sister, who I thought I was really

> close to, has hardly talked to me since that email from my dad got sent to

> all of us. She had a son 3 months before I did. We were pregnant together,

> totally having fun at baby showers. I planned hers, she planned mine. We

> were totally going to raise our sons together. We were the 2 " normies " in

> the FOO. She has a normal job, normal home, normal husband. We were really

> excited to have our sons be close cousins. I think we've had 2 phone

> conversations in the past 6 weeks. We used to talk every other day. And

> the 2 phone calls have been bc I have reached out. The conversations are

> really awkward. It's like she feels guilty talking to me. My Dad and

> step-mom have successfully driven a wedge between us. With that email to

> all of us, it said, " you are either with her (the sick and isolated one) or

> you're with us. " The main difference bw #4 and me is that she

> is 11 years younger than I am, and still on the " teet " of mom and dad. I

> am financially independent, have been since 17.

>

> I feel EXTREMELY alone. I have been going to my therapist and she is

> trying to help me move on and just keep on with my recovery and family of

> choice. I know I cannot change my FOO, this is fact. But, I just feel my

> foundation has been cracked and I feel like maybe all the decisions I have

> made are isolating and not good. Why has the FOG rolled in on me so deep?

> My stomach is in knots (like they used to be 6 years ago before I went NC)

>

> I want to be a good Mom and give my son every chance that I didn't get

> growing up with BPD and NPD. Why is it that I am the only one who makes

> correct and healthy choices, but feel like I am the black sheep and doing

> something wrong?

>

> I guess I just need to keep praying and ask God for guidance, support and

> LOVE. The kind of love that is pure and not full of obligations and

> conditions.

>

> Any advice?

> Love to all the NON BPs that suffer,

> Mandy

>

September 29, 2011

ly, you sound like the most mentally healthy member of your entire foo!

Congratulations on your successes, that is a tribute to your own inner core of

resilience, courage, and strength, and your own drive and determination. I

think your boundaries are reasonable and normal. However, I've noticed over the

years of being in this Group and others like it (and in my own situation) that

some tactics do not work as well as others RE handling those with bpd. Sending

boundary letters that detail the reasons why you want limited contact doesn't

seem to work well. Such letters are usually received as hostile attacks by the

person with bpd.

What seems to work better (not perfectly, not always, but usually a little

better) *for those who want to remain in at least some contact* is to simply

implement your boundaries on a case by case, situation by situation basis,

without explanation.

Its a change on your part, not on theirs: by just implementing your boundaries

in a very understated but firm way, you are gradually withdrawing from emotional

closeness with your person (or people) with personality disorder, and gradually

becoming more emotionally detached, as well as physically detached. You are in

control of the situation, just in a different way than by being blunt; bluntness

and direct confrontation usually sets off someone with a personality disorder.

They don't handle it well or recover from it easily, if at all.

So, for example, instead of telling one of your sisters that you will not be

allowing her around your baby for at least 3 years, depending on her ability to

stay sober and out of jail, instead you just assess her progress and if she's

not sober when you arrive you cut the visit short. If you learn that she has

resumed drinking before a visit is arranged, then you could say to her, " This

isn't a good time for a visit for us. We can discuss a time that's good for

both of us later. " If the pd person become argumentative, hostile or

insulting, then, you say, " I'm not going to listen to you when you (call me

names, insult me, are drunk, etc.) I'll talk to you later when we can discuss

this calmly. " It's just a different approach that seems to work better *IF*

you're wanting to remain in contact.

Me personally, I guess I'd only suggest sending a letter if I was certain that I

wanted to go No Contact permanently. But that's just me; we each have to figure

out what will work for us, individually.

I'm glad for you that you have a therapist who is helping you work through this

situation with your foo, and I hope you can reach a point where you can enjoy

this wonderful new addition to your family whether your foo is part of your life

or not.

-Annie

>

> Dear all non-BPs,

>

> Some guidance and support is needed right now in my life and time of crisis.

This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I just had my first child

3 months ago. But, since the birth of my son, it seems like my FOO has

unraveled at the seams. Allow me to give you all an update, since I rarely am

on this webchat, even though I very much need to be here regularly. Ok, so 6

years ago:

>

> 1- Queen BP sister had a drug-induced breakdown and was Baker Acted and forced

into treatment, along with her husband #3, also Baker Acted due to drugs. And

PS, my BP sister abused me at 4 years old...No need to expand on this topic.

> 2- Waif BP mom, recovering Alcoholic at the time, tried to triangulate me in

and get me to take the 3 children before the State would take them away from #1

above. Since then, I have had no relationship with my nieces and nephew due to

my NC decisions. It's been very hard on me, for I love them very much. I send

gifts and cards for holidays, but that's about all I can do.

> 3- Decided after 30 years of this madness that enough was enough. I did not

do my normal rescue routine, and went NC with both of the above.

> 4- Nada called 42 times the first weekend she got the NC letter. Total chaos,

talk about FOG--- I felt it for the first 2 years with such intensity, it was

almost enough to break me. She even relapsed on alcohol to guilt me into

rescuing her again. I was very badly enmeshed with these 2 BPs, and the ship

was sinking, I was going down with it. NC was my life-raft.

> 5- Since then, I have managed to have a successful marriage, just celebrated 9

years last weekend. I have a successful business, a beautiful home, some money

in the bank (I used to spend all my money saving and rescuing the FOO) And now,

a perfect little boy. I have been attending CODA for 6 years and I have created

my own happy family of choice. All in all, I'd say life is pretty good!

>

> But, let me catch you all up to date. My father and step-mother have

SERIOUSLY destroyed my trust and faith in some of my decisions. I have 2 more

sisters. Half-sisters. One I thought I was VERY close with. The other is also

a BP and recovering drug addict. Let's discuss the BP first. She is nearly 23

years old, and just got out of jail a month ago. She has spent the last 12

years on and off heroin and been in jail the past 3 years for grand theft, drug

related. I have written a few letters to this sibling in jail. Sent some b-day

and Christmas cards. But aside from that, we haven't had much of a

relationship. How can I, she's been in jail? But, the last year of her jail

she spent in this half-way bridge type facility, (run by the DOC) to bridge her

back from jail and assimilate her back into real life. My father and step-mom

wanted me to go when I was 6 months pregnant to " family day " at this bridge

facility. I declined,