Guest guest Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 After months of being NC and almost a year of LC, Nada called me last night to let me know she was moving across the country and wanted to see me before then. She's moving in with her Hermit sister. I said I couldn't, as I was working the weekend she was moving. I didn't mention that I would be home the weekend before. It was so strange. She was jovial, kind and didn't guilt trip me for not coming to see her. She said she'd like to talk about my letter (I sent her one in June detailing exactly why I didn't want any contact with her) with a counselor someday. I mentioned that I'm going to Germany to visit one of my best friends from high school who is studying abroad there and she was encouraging and said she had a fabulous time there when she visited in college. She asked about my boyfriend, and I just replied that things were good and didn't give any details. It was the strangest thing. I can't wrap my head around how the woman who tortured me the past 19 years could simply be this nonchalant and seemingly loving. What?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 For me the toughest thing is when nada can be nice. In some ways she's been a good mother and gotten things right. This makes me wonder if she'd have been a good/adequate mum if she didn't have BPD. I find this confusing/scary because it makes me want to engage emotionally with her but I know I can't do that because its seriously dangerous to my mental health/life, even (she triggers black moods in me in which harming myself seems like a sensible course of action). I'd almost prefer to 'split her into bad' - but I can't - my experience doesn't match that. It's not fair. Nadas should be all good or all bad like in the fairy tales. Much easier. Not sure if this is what you meant clefairy, but hope you feel better about it soon in any case. Sara > > After months of being NC and almost a year of LC, Nada called me last night to let me know she was moving across the country and wanted to see me before then. She's moving in with her Hermit sister. > I said I couldn't, as I was working the weekend she was moving. I didn't mention that I would be home the weekend before. > > It was so strange. She was jovial, kind and didn't guilt trip me for not coming to see her. She said she'd like to talk about my letter (I sent her one in June detailing exactly why I didn't want any contact with her) with a counselor someday. > I mentioned that I'm going to Germany to visit one of my best friends from high school who is studying abroad there and she was encouraging and said she had a fabulous time there when she visited in college. > > She asked about my boyfriend, and I just replied that things were good and didn't give any details. > > It was the strangest thing. I can't wrap my head around how the woman who tortured me the past 19 years could simply be this nonchalant and seemingly loving. What?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 For what its worth, I've seen my nada switch in an instant from being enraged and screaming to being calm and acting like nothing just happened, and vice-versa: I've seen her go from being seemingly relaxed, calm and amused to red-faced anger in the blink of an eye. My nada had two main post-screaming-rage/tantrum behaviors; one was that she would break down and sob piteously, beg us to come to her and hug her and tell her we loved her and forgave her, and she'd promise to never do that to us again. Sister and I knew that we had no option but to go to the person who had just terrorized us and hit us, and comfort her, and reassure her that we loved her. Or else. Nada's other main post-rage behavior was to behave as though nothing at all unusual or emotionally devastating had just happened. She would even be kind of perky and cheerful. She might even sing, while Sister or I were cowering and shaking on the floor. I'm not sure which one of these Twilight Zone-esque behaviors was more traumatizing for Sister and me. We learned early on that refusing to go to nada and comfort her when she begged us to might just trigger her right back into another screaming rage. All that taught us was that her promises meant nothing. On the other hand, it used to make me angry inside myself whenever I'd hear my mother sing. It was... like she was mocking me, or something. She could knock me around and scare the crap out of me, and then sing a chirpy little happy song about it. Very surreal. So, I'm just sharing that so you can possibly take comfort in the knowledge that you are not the only one to experience this kind of bizarre, probably dissociative and clearly mentally ill behavior from a nada. It could be that your nada is currently residing in a fantasy realm she has created in which nothing is wrong between you two, totally dissociated from the reality that she badly mistreated you so that she doesn't have to deal with the consequences such as admit she did anything wrong or apologize to you. -Annie > > After months of being NC and almost a year of LC, Nada called me last night to let me know she was moving across the country and wanted to see me before then. She's moving in with her Hermit sister. > I said I couldn't, as I was working the weekend she was moving. I didn't mention that I would be home the weekend before. > > It was so strange. She was jovial, kind and didn't guilt trip me for not coming to see her. She said she'd like to talk about my letter (I sent her one in June detailing exactly why I didn't want any contact with her) with a counselor someday. > I mentioned that I'm going to Germany to visit one of my best friends from high school who is studying abroad there and she was encouraging and said she had a fabulous time there when she visited in college. > > She asked about my boyfriend, and I just replied that things were good and didn't give any details. > > It was the strangest thing. I can't wrap my head around how the woman who tortured me the past 19 years could simply be this nonchalant and seemingly loving. What?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Annie is spot on. You sure aren't alone in that feeling when the storm passes... even if just temporarily. My best advice is this: Try not to be thrown for a big enough loop that you tear down your boundaries and give in to the " nice " nada. I know I always wanted to, and did, but it never got me anywhere except more vulnerable and more hurt. So, I'd say stand your ground & maintain your sanity as best you can. It's always mind boggling when they do this, isn't it? Hang in there. You sure are not alone. Mia On Sun, Oct 2, 2011 at 6:17 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > For what its worth, I've seen my nada switch in an instant from being > enraged and screaming to being calm and acting like nothing just happened, > and vice-versa: I've seen her go from being seemingly relaxed, calm and > amused to red-faced anger in the blink of an eye. > > My nada had two main post-screaming-rage/tantrum behaviors; one was that > she would break down and sob piteously, beg us to come to her and hug her > and tell her we loved her and forgave her, and she'd promise to never do > that to us again. Sister and I knew that we had no option but to go to the > person who had just terrorized us and hit us, and comfort her, and reassure > her that we loved her. Or else. > > Nada's other main post-rage behavior was to behave as though nothing at all > unusual or emotionally devastating had just happened. She would even be kind > of perky and cheerful. She might even sing, while Sister or I were cowering > and shaking on the floor. > > I'm not sure which one of these Twilight Zone-esque behaviors was more > traumatizing for Sister and me. We learned early on that refusing to go to > nada and comfort her when she begged us to might just trigger her right back > into another screaming rage. All that taught us was that her promises meant > nothing. On the other hand, it used to make me angry inside myself whenever > I'd hear my mother sing. It was... like she was mocking me, or something. > She could knock me around and scare the crap out of me, and then sing a > chirpy little happy song about it. Very surreal. > > So, I'm just sharing that so you can possibly take comfort in the knowledge > that you are not the only one to experience this kind of bizarre, probably > dissociative and clearly mentally ill behavior from a nada. > > It could be that your nada is currently residing in a fantasy realm she has > created in which nothing is wrong between you two, totally dissociated from > the reality that she badly mistreated you so that she doesn't have to deal > with the consequences such as admit she did anything wrong or apologize to > you. > > -Annie > > > > > > After months of being NC and almost a year of LC, Nada called me last > night to let me know she was moving across the country and wanted to see me > before then. She's moving in with her Hermit sister. > > I said I couldn't, as I was working the weekend she was moving. I didn't > mention that I would be home the weekend before. > > > > It was so strange. She was jovial, kind and didn't guilt trip me for not > coming to see her. She said she'd like to talk about my letter (I sent her > one in June detailing exactly why I didn't want any contact with her) with a > counselor someday. > > I mentioned that I'm going to Germany to visit one of my best friends > from high school who is studying abroad there and she was encouraging and > said she had a fabulous time there when she visited in college. > > > > She asked about my boyfriend, and I just replied that things were good > and didn't give any details. > > > > It was the strangest thing. I can't wrap my head around how the woman who > tortured me the past 19 years could simply be this nonchalant and seemingly > loving. What?? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Thanks so much for all the helpful input. Annie, it's so creepy that my Nada used to do the same thing. When she would come out of her rage, she'd be so happy it'd be creepy. She did the same thing with the singing as well! Especially nights when she for some reason wouldn't eat and we'd all get really sick, she'd just giggly happy. It's so hard to be able to see her as both the woman who fantasizes how to hurt us (she's admitted to me that she dreams up ways to hurt my siblings or my dad. I'm assuming I was included in that) and the one that is able to show this kindness. My dad says he sees her as a puppy. She just does what she feels and even if she might have an inkling something is bad, she can't think that far. She's devilishly clever (She got a perfect score on her SAT) but he says its the same as a puppy wandering through flowers. They'll roll in the flowers, chew shoes and roll in decaying matter regardless because it's just what puppies do. I'm not sure I can accept that when I know she premeditates her abuse! It is very Twilight zone indeed! > > > > > > After months of being NC and almost a year of LC, Nada called me last > > night to let me know she was moving across the country and wanted to see me > > before then. She's moving in with her Hermit sister. > > > I said I couldn't, as I was working the weekend she was moving. I didn't > > mention that I would be home the weekend before. > > > > > > It was so strange. She was jovial, kind and didn't guilt trip me for not > > coming to see her. She said she'd like to talk about my letter (I sent her > > one in June detailing exactly why I didn't want any contact with her) with a > > counselor someday. > > > I mentioned that I'm going to Germany to visit one of my best friends > > from high school who is studying abroad there and she was encouraging and > > said she had a fabulous time there when she visited in college. > > > > > > She asked about my boyfriend, and I just replied that things were good > > and didn't give any details. > > > > > > It was the strangest thing. I can't wrap my head around how the woman who > > tortured me the past 19 years could simply be this nonchalant and seemingly > > loving. What?? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.