Guest guest Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 My mind is blown! I've got to make serious decisions regarding the safety of allowing my son to visit with my nada and I've just received an informational blow that has me reeling. I need to vent and could use some brutally honest feedback. So the run down of pertinent facts. Childhood home life filled with domestic abuse between parents. Dad was obvious scape goat. Drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, etc. While we were young Mom was pretty loving (for selfish reasons, but enough to have us mostly fooled for much of our childhoods). Oldest of 3. Girl. 2 brothers. Youngest born serverly handicapped/disabled. Parents eventually seperated by the time I was about 10. Big issues in life were overcoming the grief of my brother's mistfortune and the horrible things I was witness to as a young kid. Had some trouble with drugs and promiscuity and low achieving, but out grew it got married and really focused on a life that makes me happy. I have primarily succeeded. Never been in an abusive relationship have high self esteem a career I love and a beautiful son. My dad committed suicide in June. He was HIV positive and we all saw it coming. However the revelations that unfolded have taken me to the twilight zone. I had already discoverd by my own research that my mother's rapid downward spiral was due to bpd and other diagnosis which she had been hiding from me. Lots of bad stuff happened and she was very " suicidal " all my focus was on trying to keep her alive and helping her avoid facing the consequences of her outrageously bad decisions. My last conversation with my Father was riddled with insecurities about the man I believed him to be and the fact that for the previous two years my mother had been launching an anti Dad campaign. 3 days after his suicide she pulls the vanishing act when she's needed most. Just a little love support help with the baby since the family was in dissarray and all of the arrangements were falling on my shoulders. But no it was drama queen time. She even sent threating emails about harming me. This vanishing act was the final straw for me. It opened my eyes and I started to see things as they really were. I saw my role in perpetuating and allowing this to go on. I decided to have as little contact as possible. However, they never fully divorced so I had to get her to sign over administratorship and help with attaining the appropriate medical paperwork to prove my disabled brother incompetent to even sign off on any papers. HERE COMES THE BOMB!!! Said paperwork includes a list of his official diagnosis. She had been lying for years telling us all that he had left brain atrophy. Tha he had had a stroke in the womb because my Father beat her while pregnant. Did happen so dad's not vindicated, but he also had a diagnosis of Autism and Cebrebral Palsy. For my whole life I've been asking is any part of his conditin possibly genetic or hereditary. She $#@ & ing lied to me. Even came with me to the Dr. and lied to her about the medial history involved in my brother's disability. I was considering a temporary NC period, but have now decided to go NC indefinitely. I had been allowing her to visit breifly a few hours a month with my son. Now I don't trust her at all. Always thought the line would be drawn at physical well being but now it is obvious that it was more important to make herself the victim and my father the devil than to correctly inform her own children as to the risks associated with deciding to have children. Seems like anything is fair game on the alter of her selfishness and delusion. The last area of concern is that she was sexually abused by her brother and /or father as a child. She has accused my father of molesting my disabled brother ( which greatly contributed to his suicide) we'll never know if it was true. She's accused my sister in law of abusing her son which is def not true and even called dyfuss which she of course denies. Worried that she'll either A- abuse my son sexually or B- accuse my self or husband of doing so. Anyone out there who could share any insight or thought, please, it would be greatly appreciated. Nada threatens suicide often and am afraid she'll do it if I take my son out of her life, but not willing to sacrifice my son up to rescue her. Losing my mind.... Bridgette Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 Bridgette, If she threatens to commit suicide, or even does commit it, that's her choice. You have no control over it, so don't let the possibility influence your choices. Nadas and fadas often like to try to make us feel like we are responsible for their emotions and their choices, but we are not responsible. People don't normally commit suicide for most of the reasons that they threaten to commit suicide over. Not sacrificing your son because of her threats is absolutely the right choice. If she has a history of making false allegations of abuse, then keeping her away from your family seems like a good choice to me. She's proven that she can't be trusted and she's unlikely to change for the better no matter what you do. At 06:55 PM 10/02/2011 childobpd wrote: >My mind is blown! I've got to make serious decisions regarding >the safety of allowing my son to visit with my nada and I've >just received an informational blow that has me reeling. I need >to vent and could use some brutally honest feedback. > >So the run down of pertinent facts. > >Childhood home life filled with domestic abuse between parents. >Dad was obvious scape goat. Drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, etc. >While we were young Mom was pretty loving (for selfish reasons, >but enough to have us mostly fooled for much of our >childhoods). Oldest of 3. Girl. 2 brothers. Youngest born >serverly handicapped/disabled. Parents eventually seperated by >the time I was about 10. Big issues in life were overcoming the >grief of my brother's mistfortune and the horrible things I was >witness to as a young kid. Had some trouble with drugs and >promiscuity and low achieving, but out grew it got married and >really focused on a life that makes me happy. I have primarily >succeeded. Never been in an abusive relationship have high self >esteem a career I love and a beautiful son. > >My dad committed suicide in June. He was HIV positive and we >all saw it coming. However the revelations that unfolded have >taken me to the twilight zone. I had already discoverd by my >own research that my mother's rapid downward spiral was due to >bpd and other diagnosis which she had been hiding from me. Lots >of bad stuff happened and she was very " suicidal " all my focus >was on trying to keep her alive and helping her avoid facing >the consequences of her outrageously bad decisions. My last >conversation with my Father was riddled with insecurities about >the man I believed him to be and the fact that for the previous >two years my mother had been launching an anti Dad campaign. 3 >days after his suicide she pulls the vanishing act when she's >needed most. Just a little love support help with the baby >since the family was in dissarray and all of the arrangements >were falling on my shoulders. But no it was drama queen time. >She even sent threating emails about harming me. > >This vanishing act was the final straw for me. It opened my >eyes and I started to see things as they really were. I saw my >role in perpetuating and allowing this to go on. I decided to >have as little contact as possible. However, they never fully >divorced so I had to get her to sign over administratorship and >help with attaining the appropriate medical paperwork to prove >my disabled brother incompetent to even sign off on any papers. > >HERE COMES THE BOMB!!! > >Said paperwork includes a list of his official diagnosis. She >had been lying for years telling us all that he had left brain >atrophy. Tha he had had a stroke in the womb because my Father >beat her while pregnant. Did happen so dad's not vindicated, >but he also had a diagnosis of Autism and Cebrebral Palsy. For >my whole life I've been asking is any part of his conditin >possibly genetic or hereditary. She $#@ & ing lied to me. Even >came with me to the Dr. and lied to her about the medial >history involved in my brother's disability. > >I was considering a temporary NC period, but have now decided >to go NC indefinitely. I had been allowing her to visit breifly >a few hours a month with my son. Now I don't trust her at all. >Always thought the line would be drawn at physical well being >but now it is obvious that it was more important to make >herself the victim and my father the devil than to correctly >inform her own children as to the risks associated with >deciding to have children. Seems like anything is fair game on >the alter of her selfishness and delusion. > >The last area of concern is that she was sexually abused by her >brother and /or father as a child. She has accused my father of >molesting my disabled brother ( which greatly contributed to >his suicide) we'll never know if it was true. She's accused my >sister in law of abusing her son which is def not true and even >called dyfuss which she of course denies. Worried that she'll >either A- abuse my son sexually or B- accuse my self or husband >of doing so. > >Anyone out there who could share any insight or thought, >please, it would be greatly appreciated. > >Nada threatens suicide often and am afraid she'll do it if I >take my son out of her life, but not willing to sacrifice my >son up to rescue her. > >Losing my mind.... > >Bridgette -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2011 Report Share Posted October 2, 2011 (((((Bridgette))))) I'm so sorry you have been through the emotional wringer lately; my condolences on your father's death. I agree, it IS hard to just think about and weigh the facts calmly and rationally when we are emotionally caught up in " mama drama. " However, in my own personal opinion the behaviors you've listed that that your mom has been engaging in, both in the past and more recently, mean that she is way too unstable, unpredictable, irresponsible and impulsive to be around a small child. What's to stop her from just vanishing again but taking your little child with her the next time? Children can easily be frightened, confused and overwhelmed by bizarre, extremely dramatic, emotionally dysregulated, irrational adult behavior; there's no good reason to subject a child to an out-of-control adult if its at all possible to avoid it. Mainly, a little child should NOT be around a person who threatens suicide / self-harm or threatens *you* with physical harm. You've said your mother has done both. So, please, just say " No. " That's an off-the-charts level of not OK, very disturbed, very unsafe behavior. You did not make your mother like this, and you can't make her better. She is an adult and she is the only one responsible for her own words, actions and behaviors, not you. You are not responsible for her acting-out, manipulative, aggressive, suicidal behaviors. Whether she actively tries to commit suicide or not, whether she accidentally kills herself or not, its NOT your fault and NOT your responsibility. The only persons you truly are responsible for are yourself and your little child; your priority is to protect your child, even if that means keeping your child safely out of contact with your mentally ill mother. My own personal suggestion is that the next time your mother threatens you with physical harm, or threatens to harm herself, or makes a suicide attempt: call 911. You are not trained or equipped to handle a suicide attempt, and you're too emotionally involved to be an effective in an emergency situation. Doctors and paramedics don't treat their own relatives. Call the professionals, let them help your mother. In my opinion she needs a psychiatric evaluation and therapy for whatever collection of mental illnesses she has. The fact that your mother also lied to you about your brother's diagnosis (not telling you his condition has a genetic component) is understandably upsetting, but of less life-and-death importance at the moment than the issue of whether or not to let your little child visit with your very unstable and possibly dangerous mother. My advice is to keep your child safely away from your mother and encourage your mother to get a psychiatric evaluation voluntarily. If she continues or escalates her suicide threats, then, please call 911. Don't try to handle this yourself. Its better for you and for your mother to let trained professionals help her in ways you can't. -Annie > > My mind is blown! I've got to make serious decisions regarding the safety of allowing my son to visit with my nada and I've just received an informational blow that has me reeling. I need to vent and could use some brutally honest feedback. > > So the run down of pertinent facts. > > Childhood home life filled with domestic abuse between parents. Dad was obvious scape goat. Drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, etc. While we were young Mom was pretty loving (for selfish reasons, but enough to have us mostly fooled for much of our childhoods). Oldest of 3. Girl. 2 brothers. Youngest born serverly handicapped/disabled. Parents eventually seperated by the time I was about 10. Big issues in life were overcoming the grief of my brother's mistfortune and the horrible things I was witness to as a young kid. Had some trouble with drugs and promiscuity and low achieving, but out grew it got married and really focused on a life that makes me happy. I have primarily succeeded. Never been in an abusive relationship have high self esteem a career I love and a beautiful son. > > My dad committed suicide in June. He was HIV positive and we all saw it coming. However the revelations that unfolded have taken me to the twilight zone. I had already discoverd by my own research that my mother's rapid downward spiral was due to bpd and other diagnosis which she had been hiding from me. Lots of bad stuff happened and she was very " suicidal " all my focus was on trying to keep her alive and helping her avoid facing the consequences of her outrageously bad decisions. My last conversation with my Father was riddled with insecurities about the man I believed him to be and the fact that for the previous two years my mother had been launching an anti Dad campaign. 3 days after his suicide she pulls the vanishing act when she's needed most. Just a little love support help with the baby since the family was in dissarray and all of the arrangements were falling on my shoulders. But no it was drama queen time. She even sent threating emails about harming me. > > This vanishing act was the final straw for me. It opened my eyes and I started to see things as they really were. I saw my role in perpetuating and allowing this to go on. I decided to have as little contact as possible. However, they never fully divorced so I had to get her to sign over administratorship and help with attaining the appropriate medical paperwork to prove my disabled brother incompetent to even sign off on any papers. > > HERE COMES THE BOMB!!! > > Said paperwork includes a list of his official diagnosis. She had been lying for years telling us all that he had left brain atrophy. Tha he had had a stroke in the womb because my Father beat her while pregnant. Did happen so dad's not vindicated, but he also had a diagnosis of Autism and Cebrebral Palsy. For my whole life I've been asking is any part of his conditin possibly genetic or hereditary. She $#@ & ing lied to me. Even came with me to the Dr. and lied to her about the medial history involved in my brother's disability. > > I was considering a temporary NC period, but have now decided to go NC indefinitely. I had been allowing her to visit breifly a few hours a month with my son. Now I don't trust her at all. Always thought the line would be drawn at physical well being but now it is obvious that it was more important to make herself the victim and my father the devil than to correctly inform her own children as to the risks associated with deciding to have children. Seems like anything is fair game on the alter of her selfishness and delusion. > > The last area of concern is that she was sexually abused by her brother and /or father as a child. She has accused my father of molesting my disabled brother ( which greatly contributed to his suicide) we'll never know if it was true. She's accused my sister in law of abusing her son which is def not true and even called dyfuss which she of course denies. Worried that she'll either A- abuse my son sexually or B- accuse my self or husband of doing so. > > Anyone out there who could share any insight or thought, please, it would be greatly appreciated. > > Nada threatens suicide often and am afraid she'll do it if I take my son out of her life, but not willing to sacrifice my son up to rescue her. > > Losing my mind.... > > Bridgette > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 After what you have shared here, there is absolutely no way I would allow her unsupervised time with my child. Period. > > My mind is blown! I've got to make serious decisions regarding the safety of allowing my son to visit with my nada and I've just received an informational blow that has me reeling. I need to vent and could use some brutally honest feedback. > > So the run down of pertinent facts. > > Childhood home life filled with domestic abuse between parents. Dad was obvious scape goat. Drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, etc. While we were young Mom was pretty loving (for selfish reasons, but enough to have us mostly fooled for much of our childhoods). Oldest of 3. Girl. 2 brothers. Youngest born serverly handicapped/disabled. Parents eventually seperated by the time I was about 10. Big issues in life were overcoming the grief of my brother's mistfortune and the horrible things I was witness to as a young kid. Had some trouble with drugs and promiscuity and low achieving, but out grew it got married and really focused on a life that makes me happy. I have primarily succeeded. Never been in an abusive relationship have high self esteem a career I love and a beautiful son. > > My dad committed suicide in June. He was HIV positive and we all saw it coming. However the revelations that unfolded have taken me to the twilight zone. I had already discoverd by my own research that my mother's rapid downward spiral was due to bpd and other diagnosis which she had been hiding from me. Lots of bad stuff happened and she was very " suicidal " all my focus was on trying to keep her alive and helping her avoid facing the consequences of her outrageously bad decisions. My last conversation with my Father was riddled with insecurities about the man I believed him to be and the fact that for the previous two years my mother had been launching an anti Dad campaign. 3 days after his suicide she pulls the vanishing act when she's needed most. Just a little love support help with the baby since the family was in dissarray and all of the arrangements were falling on my shoulders. But no it was drama queen time. She even sent threating emails about harming me. > > This vanishing act was the final straw for me. It opened my eyes and I started to see things as they really were. I saw my role in perpetuating and allowing this to go on. I decided to have as little contact as possible. However, they never fully divorced so I had to get her to sign over administratorship and help with attaining the appropriate medical paperwork to prove my disabled brother incompetent to even sign off on any papers. > > HERE COMES THE BOMB!!! > > Said paperwork includes a list of his official diagnosis. She had been lying for years telling us all that he had left brain atrophy. Tha he had had a stroke in the womb because my Father beat her while pregnant. Did happen so dad's not vindicated, but he also had a diagnosis of Autism and Cebrebral Palsy. For my whole life I've been asking is any part of his conditin possibly genetic or hereditary. She $#@ & ing lied to me. Even came with me to the Dr. and lied to her about the medial history involved in my brother's disability. > > I was considering a temporary NC period, but have now decided to go NC indefinitely. I had been allowing her to visit breifly a few hours a month with my son. Now I don't trust her at all. Always thought the line would be drawn at physical well being but now it is obvious that it was more important to make herself the victim and my father the devil than to correctly inform her own children as to the risks associated with deciding to have children. Seems like anything is fair game on the alter of her selfishness and delusion. > > The last area of concern is that she was sexually abused by her brother and /or father as a child. She has accused my father of molesting my disabled brother ( which greatly contributed to his suicide) we'll never know if it was true. She's accused my sister in law of abusing her son which is def not true and even called dyfuss which she of course denies. Worried that she'll either A- abuse my son sexually or B- accuse my self or husband of doing so. > > Anyone out there who could share any insight or thought, please, it would be greatly appreciated. > > Nada threatens suicide often and am afraid she'll do it if I take my son out of her life, but not willing to sacrifice my son up to rescue her. > > Losing my mind.... > > Bridgette > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. i agree - no contact with kids - but what about your brother? Can you see him? > ** > > > After what you have shared here, there is absolutely no way I would allow > her unsupervised time with my child. Period. > > > > > > > My mind is blown! I've got to make serious decisions regarding the safety > of allowing my son to visit with my nada and I've just received an > informational blow that has me reeling. I need to vent and could use some > brutally honest feedback. > > > > So the run down of pertinent facts. > > > > Childhood home life filled with domestic abuse between parents. Dad was > obvious scape goat. Drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, etc. While we were young > Mom was pretty loving (for selfish reasons, but enough to have us mostly > fooled for much of our childhoods). Oldest of 3. Girl. 2 brothers. Youngest > born serverly handicapped/disabled. Parents eventually seperated by the time > I was about 10. Big issues in life were overcoming the grief of my brother's > mistfortune and the horrible things I was witness to as a young kid. Had > some trouble with drugs and promiscuity and low achieving, but out grew it > got married and really focused on a life that makes me happy. I have > primarily succeeded. Never been in an abusive relationship have high self > esteem a career I love and a beautiful son. > > > > My dad committed suicide in June. He was HIV positive and we all saw it > coming. However the revelations that unfolded have taken me to the twilight > zone. I had already discoverd by my own research that my mother's rapid > downward spiral was due to bpd and other diagnosis which she had been hiding > from me. Lots of bad stuff happened and she was very " suicidal " all my focus > was on trying to keep her alive and helping her avoid facing the > consequences of her outrageously bad decisions. My last conversation with my > Father was riddled with insecurities about the man I believed him to be and > the fact that for the previous two years my mother had been launching an > anti Dad campaign. 3 days after his suicide she pulls the vanishing act when > she's needed most. Just a little love support help with the baby since the > family was in dissarray and all of the arrangements were falling on my > shoulders. But no it was drama queen time. She even sent threating emails > about harming me. > > > > This vanishing act was the final straw for me. It opened my eyes and I > started to see things as they really were. I saw my role in perpetuating and > allowing this to go on. I decided to have as little contact as possible. > However, they never fully divorced so I had to get her to sign over > administratorship and help with attaining the appropriate medical paperwork > to prove my disabled brother incompetent to even sign off on any papers. > > > > HERE COMES THE BOMB!!! > > > > Said paperwork includes a list of his official diagnosis. She had been > lying for years telling us all that he had left brain atrophy. Tha he had > had a stroke in the womb because my Father beat her while pregnant. Did > happen so dad's not vindicated, but he also had a diagnosis of Autism and > Cebrebral Palsy. For my whole life I've been asking is any part of his > conditin possibly genetic or hereditary. She $#@ & ing lied to me. Even came > with me to the Dr. and lied to her about the medial history involved in my > brother's disability. > > > > I was considering a temporary NC period, but have now decided to go NC > indefinitely. I had been allowing her to visit breifly a few hours a month > with my son. Now I don't trust her at all. Always thought the line would be > drawn at physical well being but now it is obvious that it was more > important to make herself the victim and my father the devil than to > correctly inform her own children as to the risks associated with deciding > to have children. Seems like anything is fair game on the alter of her > selfishness and delusion. > > > > The last area of concern is that she was sexually abused by her brother > and /or father as a child. She has accused my father of molesting my > disabled brother ( which greatly contributed to his suicide) we'll never > know if it was true. She's accused my sister in law of abusing her son which > is def not true and even called dyfuss which she of course denies. Worried > that she'll either A- abuse my son sexually or B- accuse my self or husband > of doing so. > > > > Anyone out there who could share any insight or thought, please, it would > be greatly appreciated. > > > > Nada threatens suicide often and am afraid she'll do it if I take my son > out of her life, but not willing to sacrifice my son up to rescue her. > > > > Losing my mind.... > > > > Bridgette > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Oh my God, Bridgette, it's all horrendous. I'm so sorry, first of all, for the loss of your father, esp in such a tragic way. You must be reeling with all this information coming to light after the fact. Imo, you need to get to a place (whether figuratively or literally) where you can make sense of all this, where you can just unpack it and let it breathe. And esp a place where your mother is not demanding visits with your son. Please understand, I don't know your mother or son, obviously, but for me, I would not want to bring one of my kids into a situation that would involve them in emotional pain or misunderstanding. And I definitely would not hand them over to my mother if she was blackmailing me with suicide threats. What if she did something to herself while my child was in her care? You said it best, that you wouldn't offer him up to rescue her. Exactly. She doesn't need time with your son, she needs help that it sounds like she's not willing to get. I'm sure you've thought of all this. You need space so you can get perspective and make a decision from that place. Don't know if you're in therapy or if you can discuss with a 3rd party, but that might help you. I think your NC is right on. It's just too chaotic and toxic a situation for you and your son right now. Fiona > > My mind is blown! I've got to make serious decisions regarding the safety of allowing my son to visit with my nada and I've just received an informational blow that has me reeling. I need to vent and could use some brutally honest feedback. > > So the run down of pertinent facts. > > Childhood home life filled with domestic abuse between parents. Dad was obvious scape goat. Drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, etc. While we were young Mom was pretty loving (for selfish reasons, but enough to have us mostly fooled for much of our childhoods). Oldest of 3. Girl. 2 brothers. Youngest born serverly handicapped/disabled. Parents eventually seperated by the time I was about 10. Big issues in life were overcoming the grief of my brother's mistfortune and the horrible things I was witness to as a young kid. Had some trouble with drugs and promiscuity and low achieving, but out grew it got married and really focused on a life that makes me happy. I have primarily succeeded. Never been in an abusive relationship have high self esteem a career I love and a beautiful son. > > My dad committed suicide in June. He was HIV positive and we all saw it coming. However the revelations that unfolded have taken me to the twilight zone. I had already discoverd by my own research that my mother's rapid downward spiral was due to bpd and other diagnosis which she had been hiding from me. Lots of bad stuff happened and she was very " suicidal " all my focus was on trying to keep her alive and helping her avoid facing the consequences of her outrageously bad decisions. My last conversation with my Father was riddled with insecurities about the man I believed him to be and the fact that for the previous two years my mother had been launching an anti Dad campaign. 3 days after his suicide she pulls the vanishing act when she's needed most. Just a little love support help with the baby since the family was in dissarray and all of the arrangements were falling on my shoulders. But no it was drama queen time. She even sent threating emails about harming me. > > This vanishing act was the final straw for me. It opened my eyes and I started to see things as they really were. I saw my role in perpetuating and allowing this to go on. I decided to have as little contact as possible. However, they never fully divorced so I had to get her to sign over administratorship and help with attaining the appropriate medical paperwork to prove my disabled brother incompetent to even sign off on any papers. > > HERE COMES THE BOMB!!! > > Said paperwork includes a list of his official diagnosis. She had been lying for years telling us all that he had left brain atrophy. Tha he had had a stroke in the womb because my Father beat her while pregnant. Did happen so dad's not vindicated, but he also had a diagnosis of Autism and Cebrebral Palsy. For my whole life I've been asking is any part of his conditin possibly genetic or hereditary. She $#@ & ing lied to me. Even came with me to the Dr. and lied to her about the medial history involved in my brother's disability. > > I was considering a temporary NC period, but have now decided to go NC indefinitely. I had been allowing her to visit breifly a few hours a month with my son. Now I don't trust her at all. Always thought the line would be drawn at physical well being but now it is obvious that it was more important to make herself the victim and my father the devil than to correctly inform her own children as to the risks associated with deciding to have children. Seems like anything is fair game on the alter of her selfishness and delusion. > > The last area of concern is that she was sexually abused by her brother and /or father as a child. She has accused my father of molesting my disabled brother ( which greatly contributed to his suicide) we'll never know if it was true. She's accused my sister in law of abusing her son which is def not true and even called dyfuss which she of course denies. Worried that she'll either A- abuse my son sexually or B- accuse my self or husband of doing so. > > Anyone out there who could share any insight or thought, please, it would be greatly appreciated. > > Nada threatens suicide often and am afraid she'll do it if I take my son out of her life, but not willing to sacrifice my son up to rescue her. > > Losing my mind.... > > Bridgette > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Welcome to our, and my world. Bridgitte, A few, as you requested, brutally honest observations. If your mom is BP, she may attempt suicide. She may succeed. About 10% do. If she does, it is not your fault. Nor is it your son s. Nada s are particularly adept at this form of emotional blackmail. Rescue me or I ll die. Don t permit that. You are not put here to rescue her. Especially when she runs to the edge of the cliff and screams " Catch me or I ll die " ( Sounds like her, doesnt it?) You ARE here to rescue your son. I ll give you my pat answer to this question, from the persective of one who lived the hell of being the only child in the home with a BPD mom after Dad had bailed out. It was hell. Every GD day of my life for years was hell. Between abuse, enmeshment, FOG, suicidal ideations, neediness, sexual inappropriateness, life was a miserable chore. Every GD day. You getting this? Not just once in a while when Mom had a bad day. Every single day. So, my view: Never, Ever , under any circumstances whatsoever, I mean NO circumstance, I mean put a damn kid in foster care first, Never leave a defenseless child, under the age where he can make his own choices, in the care of a Nada who is untreated, and unchanged from her BPD. Never. Not for a day. Not for an hour. I would sooner give my child a pet wolf or rattlesnake. They have no defenses against the shit Nada would throw at them. They don t understand the FOG. And Nada will start it instantly, every single time. And the kid doesnt understand enough what was done to come to you and say, hey mom, Grandnada was Fogging me. There is an old tale of a snake that asks a frog to give him a ride across the river. But you ll bite me , says the frog. No, says the snake, of course I wont. You would die, and we both would drown. I promise to be good. So the frog gives the snake a ride. Half way across, the snake bites the frog. Why, cries the frog, as he struggles to keep swimming. I m a snake, thats what I do. Protect your child. Don t subject him to that nonsense. Ever. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Hugs Doug, I'm so sorry you went through that. If I had been there, i would have helped the kid you. I promise. I don't know how, but I would have. > ** > > > > > Welcome to our, and my world. > > Bridgitte, > > A few, as you requested, brutally honest observations. > > If your mom is BP, she may attempt suicide. She may succeed. About 10% > do. If she does, it is not your fault. Nor is it your son s. > > Nada s are particularly adept at this form of emotional blackmail. > Rescue me or I ll die. Don t permit that. You are not put here to > rescue her. Especially when she runs to the edge of the cliff and > screams " Catch me or I ll die " ( Sounds like her, doesnt it?) > > You ARE here to rescue your son. I ll give you my pat answer to this > question, from the persective of one who lived the hell of being the > only child in the home with a BPD mom after Dad had bailed out. It was > hell. Every GD day of my life for years was hell. Between abuse, > enmeshment, FOG, suicidal ideations, neediness, sexual > inappropriateness, life was a miserable chore. Every GD day. You > getting this? Not just once in a while when Mom had a bad day. > > Every single day. > > So, my view: Never, Ever , under any circumstances whatsoever, I mean NO > circumstance, I mean put a damn kid in foster care first, Never leave a > defenseless child, under the age where he can make his own choices, in > the care of a Nada who is untreated, and unchanged from her BPD. Never. > Not for a day. Not for an hour. > > I would sooner give my child a pet wolf or rattlesnake. > > They have no defenses against the shit Nada would throw at them. They > don t understand the FOG. And Nada will start it instantly, every > single time. > > And the kid doesnt understand enough what was done to come to you and > say, hey mom, Grandnada was Fogging me. > > There is an old tale of a snake that asks a frog to give him a ride > across the river. But you ll bite me , says the frog. No, says the > snake, of course I wont. You would die, and we both would drown. I > promise to be good. So the frog gives the snake a ride. Half way > across, the snake bites the frog. Why, cries the frog, as he > struggles to keep swimming. I m a snake, thats what I do. > > Protect your child. Don t subject him to that nonsense. > > Ever. > > Doug > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Brigette - you've had a horrific time with your mom, but the answer to your question is very easy. No. She doesn't get alone time with your child. She doesn't even get time with YOU with your child, unless you're in a public place and you can take your child and escape. No need to feel guilty, no need to even think about it. No. You do not trust a crazy woman around your kid. This is your chance to raise your healthy, happy child without all the toxic sludge you endured. And as others have said, don't let her play the suicide card. Call 911 - if she's not bluffing she needs immediate care, and if she is bluffing she'll stop. Good luck - I know that you must be considering how your brother's care fits into all this. I wish you the best as you figure that out. > > > > Welcome to our, and my world. > > Bridgitte, > > A few, as you requested, brutally honest observations. > > If your mom is BP, she may attempt suicide. She may succeed. About 10% > do. If she does, it is not your fault. Nor is it your son s. > > Nada s are particularly adept at this form of emotional blackmail. > Rescue me or I ll die. Don t permit that. You are not put here to > rescue her. Especially when she runs to the edge of the cliff and > screams " Catch me or I ll die " ( Sounds like her, doesnt it?) > > You ARE here to rescue your son. I ll give you my pat answer to this > question, from the persective of one who lived the hell of being the > only child in the home with a BPD mom after Dad had bailed out. It was > hell. Every GD day of my life for years was hell. Between abuse, > enmeshment, FOG, suicidal ideations, neediness, sexual > inappropriateness, life was a miserable chore. Every GD day. You > getting this? Not just once in a while when Mom had a bad day. > > Every single day. > > So, my view: Never, Ever , under any circumstances whatsoever, I mean NO > circumstance, I mean put a damn kid in foster care first, Never leave a > defenseless child, under the age where he can make his own choices, in > the care of a Nada who is untreated, and unchanged from her BPD. Never. > Not for a day. Not for an hour. > > I would sooner give my child a pet wolf or rattlesnake. > > They have no defenses against the shit Nada would throw at them. They > don t understand the FOG. And Nada will start it instantly, every > single time. > > And the kid doesnt understand enough what was done to come to you and > say, hey mom, Grandnada was Fogging me. > > There is an old tale of a snake that asks a frog to give him a ride > across the river. But you ll bite me , says the frog. No, says the > snake, of course I wont. You would die, and we both would drown. I > promise to be good. So the frog gives the snake a ride. Half way > across, the snake bites the frog. Why, cries the frog, as he > struggles to keep swimming. I m a snake, thats what I do. > > Protect your child. Don t subject him to that nonsense. > > Ever. > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 Firstoff, holy sh*t, Bridgette. You've lived though a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain you and your siblings have experienced. Second, Protect your child from your Nada the way no one protected you. This is *your* child and you have the opportunity to give him a real childhood not riddled with the insanity, trauma and fear that you or your Nada experienced. My recommendation is NC but if you aren't ready to do that, only seeing your Nada a certain amount of time in a very public place. There is safety in numbers. Be somewhere that an escape is possible to protect yourself and your child. Third, are you able to protect your brother? Is it possible to put him in a home where you know he will be treated kindly and lovingly? Because I can tell you, he's definitely not getting that from your nada, and taking that responsibility on yourself might not be a good idea after everything you've experienced. Finally, how are you? How are dealing with all this? It sounds like you're still in shock and badly needing to process the grief and trauma you've experienced. I would highly recommend some therapy just to get through this and come to terms with your experiences, your loss and get some tools to deal with Nada now. You don't have to suffer and you're not alone. Having a professional guide you through the grieving process can be immensely helpful. Your strength is amazing, and you're inspirational for leading such a successful life. You owe it to yourself to make sure you're living the life you want to, not marred by the pain of your past. Many hugs and sending good thoughts your way. Clefairy > > My mind is blown! I've got to make serious decisions regarding the safety of allowing my son to visit with my nada and I've just received an informational blow that has me reeling. I need to vent and could use some brutally honest feedback. > > So the run down of pertinent facts. > > Childhood home life filled with domestic abuse between parents. Dad was obvious scape goat. Drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, etc. While we were young Mom was pretty loving (for selfish reasons, but enough to have us mostly fooled for much of our childhoods). Oldest of 3. Girl. 2 brothers. Youngest born serverly handicapped/disabled. Parents eventually seperated by the time I was about 10. Big issues in life were overcoming the grief of my brother's mistfortune and the horrible things I was witness to as a young kid. Had some trouble with drugs and promiscuity and low achieving, but out grew it got married and really focused on a life that makes me happy. I have primarily succeeded. Never been in an abusive relationship have high self esteem a career I love and a beautiful son. > > My dad committed suicide in June. He was HIV positive and we all saw it coming. However the revelations that unfolded have taken me to the twilight zone. I had already discoverd by my own research that my mother's rapid downward spiral was due to bpd and other diagnosis which she had been hiding from me. Lots of bad stuff happened and she was very " suicidal " all my focus was on trying to keep her alive and helping her avoid facing the consequences of her outrageously bad decisions. My last conversation with my Father was riddled with insecurities about the man I believed him to be and the fact that for the previous two years my mother had been launching an anti Dad campaign. 3 days after his suicide she pulls the vanishing act when she's needed most. Just a little love support help with the baby since the family was in dissarray and all of the arrangements were falling on my shoulders. But no it was drama queen time. She even sent threating emails about harming me. > > This vanishing act was the final straw for me. It opened my eyes and I started to see things as they really were. I saw my role in perpetuating and allowing this to go on. I decided to have as little contact as possible. However, they never fully divorced so I had to get her to sign over administratorship and help with attaining the appropriate medical paperwork to prove my disabled brother incompetent to even sign off on any papers. > > HERE COMES THE BOMB!!! > > Said paperwork includes a list of his official diagnosis. She had been lying for years telling us all that he had left brain atrophy. Tha he had had a stroke in the womb because my Father beat her while pregnant. Did happen so dad's not vindicated, but he also had a diagnosis of Autism and Cebrebral Palsy. For my whole life I've been asking is any part of his conditin possibly genetic or hereditary. She $#@ & ing lied to me. Even came with me to the Dr. and lied to her about the medial history involved in my brother's disability. > > I was considering a temporary NC period, but have now decided to go NC indefinitely. I had been allowing her to visit breifly a few hours a month with my son. Now I don't trust her at all. Always thought the line would be drawn at physical well being but now it is obvious that it was more important to make herself the victim and my father the devil than to correctly inform her own children as to the risks associated with deciding to have children. Seems like anything is fair game on the alter of her selfishness and delusion. > > The last area of concern is that she was sexually abused by her brother and /or father as a child. She has accused my father of molesting my disabled brother ( which greatly contributed to his suicide) we'll never know if it was true. She's accused my sister in law of abusing her son which is def not true and even called dyfuss which she of course denies. Worried that she'll either A- abuse my son sexually or B- accuse my self or husband of doing so. > > Anyone out there who could share any insight or thought, please, it would be greatly appreciated. > > Nada threatens suicide often and am afraid she'll do it if I take my son out of her life, but not willing to sacrifice my son up to rescue her. > > Losing my mind.... > > Bridgette > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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