in-laws with BPD

October 2, 2011

So this is my first time posting and I have absolutely no idea if I'm doing this

right or not or even why I'm posting but this last year has been crazy and this

last month alone has been almost unmanageable.

My own father had borderline personality disorder but died when I was ten years

old of a prescription drug overdose. My brother and I grew up with a couple

scars (seeing my dad try to kill my mom in front of us along with many of the

other behaviors that his disorder caused) but since he died while we were so

young, we were able to grow out of a lot of our issues. My mom also married a

wonderful, stable man three years after my dad died which allowed us to see a

healthy relationship growing up.

Now fast forward to adulthood. I meet the man of my dreams. This man and I have

a really healthy relationship with all the respect and love that we could

possibly need for a lifetime. We have so much in common, share the same

interests. And although our relationship isn't perfect (which relationship is?)

We're as happy as we can possibly be. At first it appears that his family is

going to be a big part of that as well. Although I have heard some pretty crazy

things about the dad being " bi-polar " he seems like a really nice guy. Honestly,

after meeting them, I feel like I've met my " dream " in-laws.

My husband and I get married soon after I met my in-laws so I didn't really get

a chance to get to know them. I try my best to keep in contact with these family

members, and when one of my husband's brothers gets stationed about ten minutes

away from our home (military), we are ecstatic and tried to make them feel as

welcome as possible. We spend the next couple of months watching their baby,

throwing a baby shower for baby number two who was born two weeks after this

fight got really ugly, doing everything we can to make them comfortable and to

try to build a close relationship with them. Then the " incident " happened. My

husband and I declined going over there one evening because we had a long day

and just needed to go home and relax. Almost immediately after that the brother

sends my husband a note saying that " he knows it isn't my husband's fault that

he couldn't come over. That I'm controlling, and that my husband needs to stand

up to me " . When I tried to respectfully confront this issue and say that he hurt

my feelings we were faced with a month long out pouring of rage. Since then,

I've been threatened. Told that the whole family has always disliked me and that

I'm a disgrace to the family name. I never was and never will be a part of their

family. I've been told that no matter how nice I was to them, it wasn't about

how I treated them but how they never thought I deserved my husband. That they

hate the way I dress and that I never seemed " excited " about marrying my

husband. I've been told that I'm a friends with benefits that got out of hand

and that I am a " girl " because I'm girlfriend material but not wife material.

The whole family- including extended family, has been brought into this as well.

People who have never met me think that I'm controlling my husband and that I'm

" tearing apart the family " . My father in law and brother in law have told my

husband that when he decides to leave me, they'll be there for him (while

continuing to keep in contact and harass me and my husband) I can go on and on

and on with the list of things that they have done to try to hurt me and my

husband.

Now there are a lot of other incidents that the dad and brother have put us

through since my husband and I have been married. I have 5 months of evidence of

the dad being borderline, and this last month as sealed my belief that the

brother has bpd as well. Our counselor, although he cannot diagnose them

formally is pretty convinced that they have bpd based on the evidence that we

have brought in as well.

What we've come to terms with, with the help of a counselor, is that we need to

back away from this relationship and set some serious boundaries. My husband

sees how is family is as well, so everyone on our end is on the same page.

What do I do to help my husband through this? Other than setting our

boundaries, where do we go from here and how can we protect ourselves? Has

anyone been tag teamed by two people with bpd?

October 4, 2011

Well, do you ever get the impression that other members of your husband's family

recognize the craziness of Father-in-law (FIL) and brother-in-law (BIL)? If

there are some members who have been friendly and supportive in the past, then

maybe those are your accessible family members. You don't have to visit with

everybody all at once - you can socialize with just the friendly family members,

unless they've been conditioned to see that as being disloyal.

If they're presenting a united front, you might just have to back off for a

while and see friends and your " family of choice. " Eventually, his relatives

may move on to another victim (somebody else will get married, or a grandchild

will hit puberty, and there will be something else to cause drama). When that

happens, maybe the family will start to see the pattern. If you remain friendly

and refuse to get involved in the fighting, you'll maintain your reputation as

being sane and approachable, and when they finally figure it out, some of them

may make contact again.

But I think, bottom line, if you two are happy with your marriage, it IS

possible to live your entire lives without becoming embroiled in his family

mess. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong - being tired or busy and

unable to make a social gathering is nothing new or earth-shattering. Maybe

putting a little social distance between you and the FOO (his Family of Origin)

isn't such a bad idea.

>

> So this is my first time posting and I have absolutely no idea if I'm doing

this right or not or even why I'm posting but this last year has been crazy and

this last month alone has been almost unmanageable.

>

> My own father had borderline personality disorder but died when I was ten

years old of a prescription drug overdose. My brother and I grew up with a

couple scars (seeing my dad try to kill my mom in front of us along with many of

the other behaviors that his disorder caused) but since he died while we were so

young, we were able to grow out of a lot of our issues. My mom also married a

wonderful, stable man three years after my dad died which allowed us to see a

healthy relationship growing up.

>

> Now fast forward to adulthood. I meet the man of my dreams. This man and I

have a really healthy relationship with all the respect and love that we could

possibly need for a lifetime. We have so much in common, share the same

interests. And although our relationship isn't perfect (which relationship is?)

We're as happy as we can possibly be. At first it appears that his family is

going to be a big part of that as well. Although I have heard some pretty crazy

things about the dad being " bi-polar " he seems like a really nice guy. Honestly,

after meeting them, I feel like I've met my " dream " in-laws.

>

> My husband and I get married soon after I met my in-laws so I didn't really

get a chance to get to know them. I try my best to keep in contact with these

family members, and when one of my husband's brothers gets stationed about ten

minutes away from our home (military), we are ecstatic and tried to make them

feel as welcome as possible. We spend the next couple of months watching their

baby, throwing a baby shower for baby number two who was born two weeks after

this fight got really ugly, doing everything we can to make them comfortable and

to try to build a close relationship with them. Then the " incident " happened. My