repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings damaged by a BP mother

[Guest guest]

I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of a BP

parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their siblings were

effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as time went on.

[Guest guest]

My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in over 8

years.

Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <flynn_sarah@...

> wrote:

> **

>

>

> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of a

> BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their siblings

> were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as time

> went on.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Were you close when you were growing up?

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 3, 2011 8:47:25 PM

Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings

damaged by a BP mother

My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in over 8

years.

Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <flynn_sarah@...

> wrote:

> **

>

>

> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of a

> BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their siblings

> were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as time

> went on.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm the oldest of 6 kids. My brother and I are separated from the younger

four by a 10 yr gap--so bro#1 and I used to be best friends growing up,

protecting each other, venting to each other about my fada. My brother was

always treated much more harshly by fada than I was--I was the golden child.

Then in HS and college we drifted apart, thanks to fada's behavior--and we

shifted roles, so all of sudden I was the black sheep. Fada disowned me. Now

my gma says that my brother " can do no wrong " and my parents talk about him

like he's a " prince. " I noticed the shift.

My brother used to ALWAYS want to move out right away as soon as he could,

he hated our fada, he wanted to be free. But when fada finally gave him the

attention and the care he always wanted, he succumbed and started drinking

the koolaid.

So, not long after fada disowned me, my brother disowned me too for treating

our father " horribly. " Yeah. I refused to let him walk all over me and my

boundaries anymore. That was horrible treatment apparently.

I miss my brother, and I hope he can realize the truth one of these days.

Unfortunately, thanks to the disowning, last time I saw my littlest siblings

was in early 2009. The oldest is now 13 and the youngest is now 8. I miss

them terribly.

So, I'm not of much help in the sibling department, unfortunately. I would

love to open up contact with bro#1 and talk with him on his own pace about

what it was like for him to grow up scapegoated, and redevelop our

relationship.

I have some years yet before that's even possible with the little ones.

hugs to you and your sister.

> **

>

>

> Were you close when you were growing up?

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, October 3, 2011 8:47:25 PM

> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

> siblings damaged by a BP mother

>

> My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in over

> 8

> years.

>

> Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

>

> On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <

> flynn_sarah@...

> > wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of

> a

> > BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their

> siblings

> > were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as

> time

> > went on.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm the eldest of 4 kids. My brother and I are separated by 2 years, then comes

sister no.2 who is 4 years younger than bro, and sister no 3 another 4 years

younger than sis no 3. We were all very close growing up, especially with my

Mom's BPD. Brother and I were best friends, he was my protector, he physically

and emotionally protected me from Mom. sis no 3 I grew close to later when she

grew up a little. sis no 4 I only grew close to when she was in high school.

There was a time when I and bro didn't talk, cause BPD Mom caused a rift between

us by lying to both of us about what the other had " said " about him/her. The

usual divide and conquer. When I found that out, I grew close to him again, and

we are the closest now. Sis no 3 emigrated out of the country and she hardly

talks to any of us. She and I have spoken only a few times over the last few

years. She doesn't call. I initiate. Now I've decided not to initiate anymore

cause I'm tired of all the effort and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me

except when she needs to vent about BPD Mom. To her it's all too emotional to

handle. I think I remind her of home and she stays away. Little Sis is the most

similar to BPD Mom and I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I cut contact

because she became so much like Mom it wasn't even funny. So now I'm left with

Bro who I'm close to. That's about it. I'm NC with Mom . My relationship with

Dad is weak at best. He's decided he's sticking with Mom, BPD and all, and so

our relationship has suffered cause she watches him like a hawk, he's not

allowed to visit me. I don't visit him as I'm NC with Mom. He won't override

her. He walks on eggshells around her and doesn't seem to mind that his

relationship with his kids is failing because of Mom.

So, it's a MESS to say the least.

This is a great thread, I'm sure it'll get lots of responses.

N

> I'm the oldest of 6 kids. My brother and I are separated from the younger

> four by a 10 yr gap--so bro#1 and I used to be best friends growing up,

> protecting each other, venting to each other about my fada. My brother was

> always treated much more harshly by fada than I was--I was the golden child.

> Then in HS and college we drifted apart, thanks to fada's behavior--and we

> shifted roles, so all of sudden I was the black sheep. Fada disowned me. Now

> my gma says that my brother " can do no wrong " and my parents talk about him

> like he's a " prince. " I noticed the shift.

>

> My brother used to ALWAYS want to move out right away as soon as he could,

> he hated our fada, he wanted to be free. But when fada finally gave him the

> attention and the care he always wanted, he succumbed and started drinking

> the koolaid.

>

> So, not long after fada disowned me, my brother disowned me too for treating

> our father " horribly. " Yeah. I refused to let him walk all over me and my

> boundaries anymore. That was horrible treatment apparently.

>

> I miss my brother, and I hope he can realize the truth one of these days.

>

> Unfortunately, thanks to the disowning, last time I saw my littlest siblings

> was in early 2009. The oldest is now 13 and the youngest is now 8. I miss

> them terribly.

>

> So, I'm not of much help in the sibling department, unfortunately. I would

> love to open up contact with bro#1 and talk with him on his own pace about

> what it was like for him to grow up scapegoated, and redevelop our

> relationship.

>

> I have some years yet before that's even possible with the little ones.

>

> hugs to you and your sister.

>

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Were you close when you were growing up?

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>> Sent: Monday, October 3, 2011 8:47:25 PM

>> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

>> siblings damaged by a BP mother

>>

>> My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in over

>> 8

>> years.

>>

>> Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

>>

>> On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <

>> flynn_sarah@...

>>> wrote:

>>

>>> **

>>>

>>>

>>> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of

>> a

>>> BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their

>> siblings

>>> were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as

>> time

>>> went on.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Holly, for sharing this with me. I hope it will be possible for you

to reconcile with your siblings as time goes on. Maybe it will be easier with

your younger siblings since they were not subjected to the role switching drama

and the jealousy and bitterness that goes along with that.

One of the things I feel most distressed about at this point, having long since

given up on my parents, is the second generation effects of a personality

disordered upbringing. It adds insult to injury.

I too am the oldest sibling, but only of two. I was almost always the black

sheep. My sister got the role once in a while.

I feel like I've had to survive three times over or something. First I had to

escape my FOO, and particularly my BPD mother which involved turning my back

pretty completely on all that was associated with her including (until later in

my life) my sister who was still under her spell. Then I had to get myself

emotionally healthy enough to understand what went on. And now I am having to

accept the repercussions of escaping from this finally emotionally healthier

vantage point which involves so much grief and something along the lines of

survivor guilt.

It sucks.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 8:57:58 AM

Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings

damaged by a BP mother

I'm the oldest of 6 kids. My brother and I are separated from the younger

four by a 10 yr gap--so bro#1 and I used to be best friends growing up,

protecting each other, venting to each other about my fada. My brother was

always treated much more harshly by fada than I was--I was the golden child.

Then in HS and college we drifted apart, thanks to fada's behavior--and we

shifted roles, so all of sudden I was the black sheep. Fada disowned me. Now

my gma says that my brother " can do no wrong " and my parents talk about him

like he's a " prince. " I noticed the shift.

My brother used to ALWAYS want to move out right away as soon as he could,

he hated our fada, he wanted to be free. But when fada finally gave him the

attention and the care he always wanted, he succumbed and started drinking

the koolaid.

So, not long after fada disowned me, my brother disowned me too for treating

our father " horribly. " Yeah. I refused to let him walk all over me and my

boundaries anymore. That was horrible treatment apparently.

I miss my brother, and I hope he can realize the truth one of these days.

Unfortunately, thanks to the disowning, last time I saw my littlest siblings

was in early 2009. The oldest is now 13 and the youngest is now 8. I miss

them terribly.

So, I'm not of much help in the sibling department, unfortunately. I would

love to open up contact with bro#1 and talk with him on his own pace about

what it was like for him to grow up scapegoated, and redevelop our

relationship.

I have some years yet before that's even possible with the little ones.

hugs to you and your sister.

> **

>

>

> Were you close when you were growing up?

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, October 3, 2011 8:47:25 PM

> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

> siblings damaged by a BP mother

>

> My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in over

> 8

> years.

>

> Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

>

> On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <

> flynn_sarah@...

> > wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of

> a

> > BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their

> siblings

> > were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as

> time

> > went on.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

YES!!!!! Thank you. You just mentioned a big part of what goes on with my

sister and me.Â

My mother played the usual divide and conquer and triangulation games. Most of

the time it was them against me, the " bad one " . Bad because some of the time I

dared to say what I thought and do what I wanted to do. My mother's

manipulations created a lot of bad feeling between us. Plus layered on top of

that was the usual sibling rivalry which we got no sensitive parenting help with

whatsoever. So there is still some of that kind of stuff in the air between

us.

But, what you said that struck such a chord for me is that at this point, as

adults, it seems that I remind my sister of her past and of our mother so much

that she seems to think that I am my mother. She treats me in the present day

with the guardedness that she ought to have treated my mother in the past, but

could not. It is trippy and very upsetting to me.Â

For years and years, I have done all the initiating and attempting to process

things with her and I just keep getting stonewalled. Each attempt makes her

push me away further. I feel so sad about it for both of us and for our

children. It's like this awful legacy carries on ....

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 9:51:47 AM

Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings

damaged by a BP mother

Â

I'm the eldest of 4 kids. My brother and I are separated by 2 years, then comes

sister no.2 who is 4 years younger than bro, and sister no 3 another 4 years

younger than sis no 3. We were all very close growing up, especially with my

Mom's BPD. Brother and I were best friends, he was my protector, he physically

and emotionally protected me from Mom. sis no 3 I grew close to later when she

grew up a little. sis no 4 I only grew close to when she was in high school.

There was a time when I and bro didn't talk, cause BPD Mom caused a rift between

us by lying to both of us about what the other had " said " about him/her. The

usual divide and conquer. When I found that out, I grew close to him again, and

we are the closest now. Sis no 3 emigrated out of the country and she hardly

talks to any of us. She and I have spoken only a few times over the last few

years. She doesn't call. I initiate. Now I've decided not to initiate anymore

cause I'm tired of all

the effort and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me except when she needs to

vent about BPD Mom. To her it's all too emotional to handle. I think I remind

her of home and she stays away. Little Sis is the most similar to BPD Mom and I

haven't spoken to her in over a year. I cut contact because she became so much

like Mom it wasn't even funny. So now I'm left with Bro who I'm close to. That's

about it. I'm NC with Mom . My relationship with Dad is weak at best. He's

decided he's sticking with Mom, BPD and all, and so our relationship has

suffered cause she watches him like a hawk, he's not allowed to visit me. I

don't visit him as I'm NC with Mom. He won't override her. He walks on eggshells

around her and doesn't seem to mind that his relationship with his kids is

failing because of Mom.

So, it's a MESS to say the least.

This is a great thread, I'm sure it'll get lots of responses.

N

> I'm the oldest of 6 kids. My brother and I are separated from the younger

> four by a 10 yr gap--so bro#1 and I used to be best friends growing up,

> protecting each other, venting to each other about my fada. My brother was

> always treated much more harshly by fada than I was--I was the golden child.

> Then in HS and college we drifted apart, thanks to fada's behavior--and we

> shifted roles, so all of sudden I was the black sheep. Fada disowned me. Now

> my gma says that my brother " can do no wrong " and my parents talk about him

> like he's a " prince. " I noticed the shift.

>

> My brother used to ALWAYS want to move out right away as soon as he could,

> he hated our fada, he wanted to be free. But when fada finally gave him the

> attention and the care he always wanted, he succumbed and started drinking

> the koolaid.

>

> So, not long after fada disowned me, my brother disowned me too for treating

> our father " horribly. " Yeah. I refused to let him walk all over me and my

> boundaries anymore. That was horrible treatment apparently.

>

> I miss my brother, and I hope he can realize the truth one of these days.

>

> Unfortunately, thanks to the disowning, last time I saw my littlest siblings

> was in early 2009. The oldest is now 13 and the youngest is now 8. I miss

> them terribly.

>

> So, I'm not of much help in the sibling department, unfortunately. I would

> love to open up contact with bro#1 and talk with him on his own pace about

> what it was like for him to grow up scapegoated, and redevelop our

> relationship.

>

> I have some years yet before that's even possible with the little ones.

>

> hugs to you and your sister.

>

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Were you close when you were growing up?

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>> Sent: Monday, October 3, 2011 8:47:25 PM

>> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

>> siblings damaged by a BP mother

>>

>> My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in over

>> 8

>> years.

>>

>> Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

>>

>> On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <

>> flynn_sarah@...

>>> wrote:

>>

>>> **

>>>

>>>

>>> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of

>> a

>>> BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their

>> siblings

>>> were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as

>> time

>>> went on.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

Okay so here is a stupid question. How do I make myself anonymous when sending

these? I thought I signed on with an ID that was not my name, but apparently

not.

New to the system and perplexed....

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 11:15:22 AM

Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings

damaged by a BP mother

Â

YES!!!!! Thank you. You just mentioned a big part of what goes on with my

sister and me.Â

My mother played the usual divide and conquer and triangulation games. Most of

the time it was them against me, the " bad one " . Bad because some of the time I

dared to say what I thought and do what I wanted to do. My mother's

manipulations created a lot of bad feeling between us. Plus layered on top of

that was the usual sibling rivalry which we got no sensitive parenting help with

whatsoever. So there is still some of that kind of stuff in the air between

us.

But, what you said that struck such a chord for me is that at this point, as

adults, it seems that I remind my sister of her past and of our mother so much

that she seems to think that I am my mother. She treats me in the present day

with the guardedness that she ought to have treated my mother in the past, but

could not. It is trippy and very upsetting to me.Â

For years and years, I have done all the initiating and attempting to process

things with her and I just keep getting stonewalled. Each attempt makes her

push me away further. I feel so sad about it for both of us and for our

children. It's like this awful legacy carries on ....

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 9:51:47 AM

Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings

damaged by a BP mother

Â

I'm the eldest of 4 kids. My brother and I are separated by 2 years, then comes

sister no.2 who is 4 years younger than bro, and sister no 3 another 4 years

younger than sis no 3. We were all very close growing up, especially with my

Mom's BPD. Brother and I were best friends, he was my protector, he physically

and emotionally protected me from Mom. sis no 3 I grew close to later when she

grew up a little. sis no 4 I only grew close to when she was in high school.

There was a time when I and bro didn't talk, cause BPD Mom caused a rift between

us by lying to both of us about what the other had " said " about him/her. The

usual divide and conquer. When I found that out, I grew close to him again, and

we are the closest now. Sis no 3 emigrated out of the country and she hardly

talks to any of us. She and I have spoken only a few times over the last few

years. She doesn't call. I initiate. Now I've decided not to initiate anymore

cause I'm tired of all

the effort and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me except when she needs to

vent about BPD Mom. To her it's all too emotional to handle. I think I remind

her of home and she stays away. Little Sis is the most similar to BPD Mom and I

haven't spoken to her in over a year. I cut contact because she became so much

like Mom it wasn't even funny. So now I'm left with Bro who I'm close to. That's

about it. I'm NC with Mom . My relationship with Dad is weak at best. He's

decided he's sticking with Mom, BPD and all, and so our relationship has

suffered cause she watches him like a hawk, he's not allowed to visit me. I

don't visit him as I'm NC with Mom. He won't override her. He walks on eggshells

around her and doesn't seem to mind that his relationship with his kids is

failing because of Mom.

So, it's a MESS to say the least.

This is a great thread, I'm sure it'll get lots of responses.

N

> I'm the oldest of 6 kids. My brother and I are separated from the younger

> four by a 10 yr gap--so bro#1 and I used to be best friends growing up,

> protecting each other, venting to each other about my fada. My brother was

> always treated much more harshly by fada than I was--I was the golden child.

> Then in HS and college we drifted apart, thanks to fada's behavior--and we

> shifted roles, so all of sudden I was the black sheep. Fada disowned me. Now

> my gma says that my brother " can do no wrong " and my parents talk about him

> like he's a " prince. " I noticed the shift.

>

> My brother used to ALWAYS want to move out right away as soon as he could,

> he hated our fada, he wanted to be free. But when fada finally gave him the

> attention and the care he always wanted, he succumbed and started drinking

> the koolaid.

>

> So, not long after fada disowned me, my brother disowned me too for treating

> our father " horribly. " Yeah. I refused to let him walk all over me and my

> boundaries anymore. That was horrible treatment apparently.

>

> I miss my brother, and I hope he can realize the truth one of these days.

>

> Unfortunately, thanks to the disowning, last time I saw my littlest siblings

> was in early 2009. The oldest is now 13 and the youngest is now 8. I miss

> them terribly.

>

> So, I'm not of much help in the sibling department, unfortunately. I would

> love to open up contact with bro#1 and talk with him on his own pace about

> what it was like for him to grow up scapegoated, and redevelop our

> relationship.

>

> I have some years yet before that's even possible with the little ones.

>

> hugs to you and your sister.

>

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> Were you close when you were growing up?

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>> Sent: Monday, October 3, 2011 8:47:25 PM

>> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

>> siblings damaged by a BP mother

>>

>> My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in over

>> 8

>> years.

>>

>> Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

>>

>> On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <

>> flynn_sarah@...

>>> wrote:

>>

>>> **

>>>

>>>

>>> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of

>> a

>>> BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their

>> siblings

>>> were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as

>> time

>>> went on.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

I made the same mistake and didn't realize it for a long time >.< So....I

feel like it might be too late for me, lol. Since the email is also made

available in the emailed versions, my best advice would be to create a new

Yahoo email account with a fake name and join the group again under that.

I keep meaning to do that, but never get around to it, lol.

> **

>

>

> Okay so here is a stupid question. How do I make myself anonymous when

> sending these? I thought I signed on with an ID that was not my name, but

> apparently not.

>

> New to the system and perplexed....

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1

> >

> Sent: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 11:15:22 AM

>

> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

> siblings damaged by a BP mother

>

>

> YES!!!!! Thank you. You just mentioned a big part of what goes on with my

> sister and me.

>

> My mother played the usual divide and conquer and triangulation games.

> Most of the time it was them against me, the " bad one " . Bad because some of

> the time I dared to say what I thought and do what I wanted to do. My

> mother's manipulations created a lot of bad feeling between us. Plus

> layered on top of that was the usual sibling rivalry which we got no

> sensitive parenting help with whatsoever. So there is still some of that

> kind of stuff in the air between us.

>

> But, what you said that struck such a chord for me is that at this point,

> as adults, it seems that I remind my sister of her past and of our mother so

> much that she seems to think that I am my mother. She treats me in the

> present day with the guardedness that she ought to have treated my mother in

> the past, but could not. It is trippy and very upsetting to me.

>

> For years and years, I have done all the initiating and attempting to

> process things with her and I just keep getting stonewalled. Each attempt

> makes her push me away further. I feel so sad about it for both of us and

> for our children. It's like this awful legacy carries on ....

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tuesday, October 4, 2011 9:51:47 AM

> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

> siblings damaged by a BP mother

>

>

> I'm the eldest of 4 kids. My brother and I are separated by 2 years, then

> comes sister no.2 who is 4 years younger than bro, and sister no 3 another 4

> years younger than sis no 3. We were all very close growing up, especially

> with my Mom's BPD. Brother and I were best friends, he was my protector, he

> physically and emotionally protected me from Mom. sis no 3 I grew close to

> later when she grew up a little. sis no 4 I only grew close to when she was

> in high school. There was a time when I and bro didn't talk, cause BPD Mom

> caused a rift between us by lying to both of us about what the other had

> " said " about him/her. The usual divide and conquer. When I found that out, I

> grew close to him again, and we are the closest now. Sis no 3 emigrated out

> of the country and she hardly talks to any of us. She and I have spoken only

> a few times over the last few years. She doesn't call. I initiate. Now I've

> decided not to initiate anymore cause I'm tired of all

> the effort and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me except when she needs

> to vent about BPD Mom. To her it's all too emotional to handle. I think I

> remind her of home and she stays away. Little Sis is the most similar to BPD

> Mom and I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I cut contact because she

> became so much like Mom it wasn't even funny. So now I'm left with Bro who

> I'm close to. That's about it. I'm NC with Mom . My relationship with Dad is

> weak at best. He's decided he's sticking with Mom, BPD and all, and so our

> relationship has suffered cause she watches him like a hawk, he's not

> allowed to visit me. I don't visit him as I'm NC with Mom. He won't override

> her. He walks on eggshells around her and doesn't seem to mind that his

> relationship with his kids is failing because of Mom.

>

> So, it's a MESS to say the least.

>

> This is a great thread, I'm sure it'll get lots of responses.

>

> N

>

>

>

> > I'm the oldest of 6 kids. My brother and I are separated from the younger

> > four by a 10 yr gap--so bro#1 and I used to be best friends growing up,

> > protecting each other, venting to each other about my fada. My brother

> was

> > always treated much more harshly by fada than I was--I was the golden

> child.

> > Then in HS and college we drifted apart, thanks to fada's behavior--and

> we

> > shifted roles, so all of sudden I was the black sheep. Fada disowned me.

> Now

> > my gma says that my brother " can do no wrong " and my parents talk about

> him

> > like he's a " prince. " I noticed the shift.

> >

> > My brother used to ALWAYS want to move out right away as soon as he

> could,

> > he hated our fada, he wanted to be free. But when fada finally gave him

> the

> > attention and the care he always wanted, he succumbed and started

> drinking

> > the koolaid.

> >

> > So, not long after fada disowned me, my brother disowned me too for

> treating

> > our father " horribly. " Yeah. I refused to let him walk all over me and my

> > boundaries anymore. That was horrible treatment apparently.

> >

> > I miss my brother, and I hope he can realize the truth one of these days.

> >

> > Unfortunately, thanks to the disowning, last time I saw my littlest

> siblings

> > was in early 2009. The oldest is now 13 and the youngest is now 8. I miss

> > them terribly.

> >

> > So, I'm not of much help in the sibling department, unfortunately. I

> would

> > love to open up contact with bro#1 and talk with him on his own pace

> about

> > what it was like for him to grow up scapegoated, and redevelop our

> > relationship.

> >

> > I have some years yet before that's even possible with the little ones.

> >

> > hugs to you and your sister.

> >

> > On Tue, Oct 4, 2011 at 10:51 AM, Flynn

> wrote:

> >

> >> **

> >>

> >>

> >> Were you close when you were growing up?

> >>

> >> ________________________________

> >>

> >> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >> Sent: Monday, October 3, 2011 8:47:25 PM

> >> Subject: Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP

> >> siblings damaged by a BP mother

> >>

> >> My bada thinks he is gods gift to mankind. I haven't spoken to him in

> over

> >> 8

> >> years.

> >>

> >> Probably not the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

> >>

> >> On Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 12:06 PM, synergiatransforming <

> >> flynn_sarah@...

> >>> wrote:

> >>

> >>> **

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings

> of

> >> a

> >>> BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their

> >> siblings

> >>> were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as

> >> time

> >>> went on.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>

> >>

[Guest guest]

Let's see - one brother, three years younger, developed lots of expensive and

frustrating health problems - which led to my parents being strapped for money

all the time, spending lots of time at hospitals - and I don't think either of

my parents was equipped for the added stress and responsibility. My Dad just

plugged away, but he was at work all the time, which left most of the care of my

brother to Nada. I give her credit, she struggled through it as well as could

be expected. However - the health problems led to lags in his learning due to

being hospitalized, lags in social development, etc., even after Bro had

recovered his health. So he was always immature and always, always had excuses

made for him, for everything he did (or didn't do). Bad way to start life.

I was comparatively stress-free and could operate on my own, so I was expected

to pull high grades and behave myself. I learned early on to maintain the

" golden child " facade - ask for nothing, don't be troublesome, get the awards

and grades, because Brother is So Much Trouble for Mom and Dad. I kind of feel

like I grew up on automatic pilot. Really, I cannot believe how little

supervision I received as a teenager. (What were they thinking???)

Because of the health problems, probable undiagnosed ADD,and several other

reasons, my brother developed behaviors that would be labeled as sociopathic -

no sense of responsibility, no guilt for stealing or breaking rules. He was

scapegoated to a point, but also had everything excused by Nada because he'd

been ill as a child. I think I was " fed up " with his behavior from a very early

age. We did not get along, to put it mildly.

As an adult, he scammed my mother (who is a scammer herself) for cars, mortgage

co-signatures, loans, free room and board, etc. - while she was calling me for

help with her bills. I wrote them both off for a long time due to this joint

dependency/pathology, and had been completely NC with Bro for over ten years

when he was killed in a car wreck. (Not wearing a seatbelt. Everybody else in

the car walked away. Dumbass.)

So while it was a relief that I didn't have to pick up the pieces after he'd

conned my mother yet again, I also had to face the fact that he was never going

to grow up and help with the burden of dealing with my crazy, now elderly, Nada.

So yeah, I guess you could say there was dysfunction... but Bro was the center

of attention so much of the time, I think it pulled attention away from Nada's

emerging craziness. I'm not sure if she engineered it that way, but she sure

did feed the beast.

> >>

> >>> **

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of

> >> a

> >>> BP parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their

> >> siblings

> >>> were effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as

> >> time

> >>> went on.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>

> >>