relationships among siblings of BPD parents

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among siblings

of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials.  If someone could

direct me to anything I would be grateful.

I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated sibling

and non scapegoated sibling(s).

I was the scapegoated child.  Although I was far from an angel of a sibling at

certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as though I am bad

(we are in our forties at present), even though she now recognizes that our

mother has BPD.  It is almost as though she was so thoroughly brainwashed by my

mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my kindness, my genuine concern for

her well-being, and so on.

Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom to

share.

ST

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the Group. I'm sorry, but offhand I can't think of any book that

specifically discusses siblings-of-bpd-parents relationships. Maybe some of the

other members here have some suggestions for you. Randi Kreger's book " The

Essential Family Guide to BPD " is probably the closest thing, even though you

have said your sister is not bpd, she is still behaving in bpd-ish ways toward

you. Maybe she has a bad case of bpd " fleas " , or bpd-like behaviors learned

from the bpd parent.

One of the really hard things to come to accept is that we do not have the power

to make another person change herself/himself. Whether the other person has a

personality disorder or not, its simply that we do not have that power. We only

have the power to change our own behaviors.

The other person has to feel a need or desire to change his or her own

behaviors; then change is possible.

If your sister does not feel distressed that she hurts your feelings, if she

feels that you deserve to be treated with disrespect or disdain as the cause of

all the family's problems (she still considers you the family scapegoat) if,

when you let her know that she has hurt your feelings, she isn't sorry,

minimizes your pain (pronouncing that you are " too sensitive " ), feels no need

to apologize, etc. ... those are not good indicators that she is open to the

possibility of changing the way she views you or interacts with you.

It is possible for you to approach your sister and ask her gently if she would

be willing to talk with you about the way she treats you and how that makes you

feel; perhaps even ask her if she would be willing to try going to family

counseling with you or to a psychologist with you, as siblings.

But if your sister is not open to that idea then all you can really do is decide

which of her behaviors toward you are tolerable, and which are not, and create

some boundaries for yourself regarding what you will and will not tolerate.

If you could perhaps give an example of something your sister has said or done

that hurt your feelings (you don't have to be extremely specific unless you want

to, but something like: " She curses at me " or " She puts me down/insults me in

front of other people " or " She shows up at my house unannounced " or " she

borrows things of mine without asking me first " ) then Group members could share

how we have handled a similar situation.

Welcome to the Group; I hope you will find it supportive and validating here.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among siblings

of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials.  If someone could

direct me to anything I would be grateful.

>

> I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated sibling

and non scapegoated sibling(s).

>

> I was the scapegoated child.  Although I was far from an angel of a sibling at

certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as though I am bad

(we are in our forties at present), even though she now recognizes that our

mother has BPD.  It is almost as though she was so thoroughly brainwashed by my

mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my kindness, my genuine concern for

her well-being, and so on.

>

> Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom to

share.

>

> ST

>

>

>