I'm so upset...

[Guest guest]

I have been fighting a hysterectomy for years...and now I may not have a choice anymore. I've cried off and on all day yesterday & today. went with me yesterday for an appt. to get an ultrasound and consult with the Nurse Practitioner at my new gyn's office. The U/S confirmed a big cyst on my left ovary and a MESS in my pelvis. My uterus is not only prolapsing more and more, but it's severely retroverted AGAIN and prolapsing to the left side. Essentially it's down in my butt and no wonder I've had so much trouble with my PN this past year. My uterus is big and engorged, fibroids, and

yada,

yada. Oh and my bladder is

coming down,

too. Did I mention I'm only

36! I so

wish I had never done any internal PT. My organs began prolapsing when and I began internal work, but I do think the external and skin rolling have been helpful. The NP tried to fit me for a pessary...but neither of us think it's going to work. You're not supposed to feel it, but I felt it with every step...not to mention how it was aggravating my bladder - I made her take it out before I left. The NP told me that she really, really thinks I need to have a hysterectomy. She said, "is there anything you 'don't' have going on in there?" I'm am so scared that the surgery will entrap my PN. She said in 20 yrs. she's never witnessed one nerve entrapment from surgery. But how many patients have they seen like me with so much mess going on? I'm so angry. I don't want any more pelvic surgeries! The past surgeries haven't really helped me anyway. And yet, what do I

do? I can't allow

my uterus to come down until it's hanging out. Besides, with my uterus down in the left side, it's pulling on my right side and causing pain. Last night I had really bad rectal pain, like I used to before I had a uterine suspension 10 yrs. ago. --Then I think, what if? What if the surgery would help? I've had so much pain and so many symptoms related to my stupid uterus! It's large, it keeps retroverting...years of Endo...now fibroids and possible polyps in the endometrium. I told them if I do go through with it....to save my uterus, because I'm gonna stomp on it!!! Stupid uterus! Don't get me wrong, I'll always be grateful to the Lord for my two boys and getting to carry them....but they are the 'only' good things to come from my uterus. I broke down and started crying right there with the NP in the room. I felt so embarrassed, but she handed me a tissue

and showed some empathy -- that was a first. I don't want them to think I'm just an emotional wreck or that I'm weak. Ridiculous for me to even say that, I know...but that is how I feel. In my mind, it's like I've got to continue being strong and hold it all together! I just wish someone would tell me how to hold it all together. How do I fight these feelings? How do I make the right decision? I cannot reverse this surgery. Forgive me for sounding whiny! But I just do not get this...WHY? Why do I even have to go down this path? I'm so frustrated, I know crying is okay and even though I'm very sad right now...somehow this will work out...I have to believe that, but I am just so tired of

pelvic pain. Besides my husband, I just don't know who to talk to right now. Has anyone that has had a hysterectomy been through these emotions? I've spoken to women at my church that said the surgery was the best decision they ever made....but yet, none of them have had vulvar pain or IC, etc. I don't want to give the impression that I don't have hope...I will never stop hoping and believing to be beyond all this pelvic pain 'crap'...but I'm so sad. I can't figure up how to get up the energy to endure surgery. I go back on Nov. 10th for a pre-consult. rented some comedies tonight, because he knows I need a good laugh. I'm trying...but please, for those of you that pray, pray I'll make the right decision. Thanks for reading...