Grief of the life we use to have... Stages come and go

[Guest guest]

I have been thinking of all the anger I have had lately about fibro and the ones

that don't believe it.

Well, we all probably have that because it is a part of our grief. The

problem with this grief is that no one around us understands it except the ones

that have it.... this group. I remember the stages of grief are Shock, Denial,

Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. We will all wax and wane back

and forth with these emotions for a long time, if not a whole lifetime.

We grieve what we once were, what we once dreamed of being and dreamed of

doing in life.

I was in Shock when I learned this beast had a name. Fibromyalgia. I had to

say it over and over for a couple of months before I internalized the fact it

was really with me.

Now, Denial is a stage too. Most of us have been there. " Maybe I don't have

fibro, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I just have something else. Maybe I

did imagine the all over pain and other symptoms. " I would try to convince

myself, especially on days I was having a " good " day.

Ok now the anger sets in. " damn it, that fibro is real and it hurts like a

bitch. I can't hardly move out of bed in the mornings and I am so mad. I

cannot be the mother today I wanted to be. There are people who don't believe

me too.... damn it if they could feel like I do for ONE day " .

Bargaining...... " maybe if I do this or that, it will go away " . (especially

effective on the few days or hours the fibro lets up and I feel almost normal).

" I will change my diet, I will change my sleep habits, I will take this

supplement or that and it will be gone. " (then it comes in full force again and

wraps around me like a boa constrictor.

Depression .... . " Why can't I feel good today so I can go to work without

pain just like other people? " " I just don't know how I can go on and live this

way forever. It is NOT FAIR. I use to be able to go to work, clean my house,

take care of my kids, and get a good nights sleep. The next day I would not be

tired or hurting when I woke up. I don't look like the same person I did 5

years ago even. I have aged. The pretty woman I was is fading and I feel like

I am 85 instead of 43 " .

Acceptance... " ok, I have it. I have to deal with it and live the best I can.

I am thankful for what I still do have. At least meds take care of some of the

pain. etc.... "

We all go through these stages over and over. I don't know how long it takes

to reach the stage of acceptance and stay there. I don't know that we ever do

completely. BUT I HAVE all of you. You are my rock and sounding board for what

the rest of the world will not ever understand around me.

I love you,

Agape,

Debra V.

---------------------------------

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

I read this post and thought about it, I think that alot of the anger

that I am feeling is what in the hell happened to my life, I honestly

cannot remember being happy as a child, my father was a very

successful businessman, everyone in town thought he was a wonderful

man...they all knew he was an alcoholic, and that he had many affairs

on my mother, he would hit my mother and me while he was drinking. He

had his own private plane, his own business, a different car for each

day for he and my mom. All of the kids I went to school with thought

that I had the greatest life ever, they knew where their Dad was on

the holidays...not me. Then my mom divorced him when I was 12 and she

was pregnant with my little brother. Gosh I could finally invite

friends to sleep over as I wasn't scared that my Dad would do

something crazy. My brother was born and I was thrilled..He took his

first steps the day Pres. Kennedy was killed. I will never forget. I

forgot my own childrens first words or steps but not his.

When I was 13 I started dating a guy that was a senior in high

school, we dated thru his senior year and then he went into the Army

and to Vietnam. He was so much different than my Dad, he was a true

gentleman, we were children of the 60's!! I cared for him greatly and

I stayed true for almost a year, then I wrote a Dear letter, now

I wonder what in the hell I was thinking. I married a guy when I was

16, was about a month pregnant when I married, my daughter was born,

then hell really happenened. He beat me and didn't have to be

drinking. He held me hostage with a shotgun, and then it happenened.

I went totally crazy, I left my daughter with his mother and said I

would be back.It was 4 yrs before I did look back. Two more failed

marriages, more partying and drinking than anyone should have lived

thru. Finally I did some settling down to some extent and remarried

and had a son and a daughter. I knew this man was an alcoholic and he

had been abusive to me but I just knew that he would change, he

reminded me of my father, he even looked like him. My brother got

killed when he was 17, my grandfather had been killed in an accident

2 yrs prior, my best friend had been murdered about 6 months before

my brother. There I went again, off the deep end of the world, went

back to the life where I knew I could find relief, drugs and alcohol.

Thank God for good friends that helped care for my kids. My Mom could

not help as she had started drinking and could not help me. And it

wasn't like I didn't have an education, I did, I had managed in all

the turmoil to get a college degree, but I just couldn't stay

grounded long enough to use it. But by the Grace of God I pulled thru

one more time, I got a very respected job, it had taken along time to

do it but I did. I became a police officer, then made Chief in the

town where I lived. I did that for 3 yrs and then decided I wanted a

career change, I started driving a truck, had my own, ran coast to

coast then this lady decided she wanted to commit suicide and she hit

me in my truck headon. She did what she intended to do and she almost

took me with her, this was in 91, I quit driving!! My mom died in 92

and I started as a 911 Dispatcher until 2003. And my life is still

going down hill, I lost my house last year, I had kept my small

trucking company and the fuel cost helped to put me out of business.

I am now living with my daughter and her family..Trying to work in a

Deli part-time and no one understands how I feel, I HURT, I am tired,

I don't sleep. AND by the way the guy I dated in High school is

retired from an airline, and we are talking again, of course he is on

one coast and I am on the other...SO....and we shall see????

Thanks for letting me put into words what I cannot to my children or

friends.

n

-- In Fibromyalgia_Support_Group , debra van ness

wrote:

>

> I have been thinking of all the anger I have had lately about fibro

and the ones that don't believe it.

>

> Well, we all probably have that because it is a part of our

grief. The problem with this grief is that no one around us

understands it except the ones that have it.... this group. I

remember the stages of grief are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining,

Depression, and Acceptance. We will all wax and wane back and forth

with these emotions for a long time, if not a whole lifetime.

> We grieve what we once were, what we once dreamed of being and

dreamed of doing in life.

>

> I was in Shock when I learned this beast had a name.

Fibromyalgia. I had to say it over and over for a couple of months

before I internalized the fact it was really with me.

>

> Now, Denial is a stage too. Most of us have been there. " Maybe

I don't have fibro, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I just have

something else. Maybe I did imagine the all over pain and other

symptoms. " I would try to convince myself, especially on days I was

having a " good " day.

>

> Ok now the anger sets in. " damn it, that fibro is real and it

hurts like a bitch. I can't hardly move out of bed in the mornings

and I am so mad. I cannot be the mother today I wanted to be. There

are people who don't believe me too.... damn it if they could feel

like I do for ONE day " .

>

> Bargaining...... " maybe if I do this or that, it will go away " .

(especially effective on the few days or hours the fibro lets up and

I feel almost normal). " I will change my diet, I will change my

sleep habits, I will take this supplement or that and it will be

gone. " (then it comes in full force again and wraps around me like a

boa constrictor.

>

> Depression .... . " Why can't I feel good today so I can go to

work without pain just like other people? " " I just don't know how I

can go on and live this way forever. It is NOT FAIR. I use to be

able to go to work, clean my house, take care of my kids, and get a

good nights sleep. The next day I would not be tired or hurting when

I woke up. I don't look like the same person I did 5 years ago

even. I have aged. The pretty woman I was is fading and I feel like

I am 85 instead of 43 " .

>

> Acceptance... " ok, I have it. I have to deal with it and live

the best I can. I am thankful for what I still do have. At least

meds take care of some of the pain. etc.... "

>

> We all go through these stages over and over. I don't know how

long it takes to reach the stage of acceptance and stay there. I

don't know that we ever do completely. BUT I HAVE all of you. You

are my rock and sounding board for what the rest of the world will

not ever understand around me.

>

> I love you,

> Agape,

> Debra V.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Debra,

That was very well thought out and written. I haven't really wrapped

my brain around the diagnosis because as I have mentioned before,

three days after my diagnosis, I was in the hospital for 9 days for

an asthma exacerbation. So I was too busy to try to come to grips

with something that is beyond my control. But at least it has a name

and I can stop beating myself up about being so darned fatigued that

I am likely to fall asleep late in the afternoon *if* I don't get a

nap earlier in the day. And I now know I'm not being lazy on days

when I do NOT feel like doing anything except hit the recliner.

Darlene

And yes, the meds do help, and thank GOD for them! We'd all be a mass

of writhing, mad, insane idiots otherwise!!!!!

>

> I have been thinking of all the anger I have had lately about fibro

and the ones that don't believe it.

>

> Well, we all probably have that because it is a part of our

grief. The problem with this grief is that no one around us

understands it except the ones that have it.... this group. I

remember the stages of grief are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining,

Depression, and Acceptance. We will all wax and wane back and forth

with these emotions for a long time, if not a whole lifetime.

> We grieve what we once were, what we once dreamed of being and

dreamed of doing in life.

>

> I was in Shock when I learned this beast had a name.

Fibromyalgia. I had to say it over and over for a couple of months

before I internalized the fact it was really with me.

>

> Now, Denial is a stage too. Most of us have been there. " Maybe

I don't have fibro, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I just have

something else. Maybe I did imagine the all over pain and other

symptoms. " I would try to convince myself, especially on days I was

having a " good " day.

>

> Ok now the anger sets in. " damn it, that fibro is real and it

hurts like a bitch. I can't hardly move out of bed in the mornings

and I am so mad. I cannot be the mother today I wanted to be. There

are people who don't believe me too.... damn it if they could feel

like I do for ONE day " .

>

> Bargaining...... " maybe if I do this or that, it will go away " .

(especially effective on the few days or hours the fibro lets up and

I feel almost normal). " I will change my diet, I will change my

sleep habits, I will take this supplement or that and it will be

gone. " (then it comes in full force again and wraps around me like a

boa constrictor.

>

> Depression .... . " Why can't I feel good today so I can go to

work without pain just like other people? " " I just don't know how I

can go on and live this way forever. It is NOT FAIR. I use to be

able to go to work, clean my house, take care of my kids, and get a

good nights sleep. The next day I would not be tired or hurting when

I woke up. I don't look like the same person I did 5 years ago

even. I have aged. The pretty woman I was is fading and I feel like

I am 85 instead of 43 " .

>

> Acceptance... " ok, I have it. I have to deal with it and live

the best I can. I am thankful for what I still do have. At least

meds take care of some of the pain. etc.... "

>

> We all go through these stages over and over. I don't know how

long it takes to reach the stage of acceptance and stay there. I

don't know that we ever do completely. BUT I HAVE all of you. You

are my rock and sounding board for what the rest of the world will

not ever understand around me.

>

> I love you,

> Agape,

> Debra V.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Debra.

You sure do have a way with words. It isn't easy explaining this disease but

you just did a great job of doing just hat.

I want to thank you for your wisdom and all the kind words and advice you have

given me.

Love and hugs dear friend.

Little

LINDA

---------------------------------

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Guest guest]

evilcateyes911 wrote: I read this post and

thought about it, I think that alot of the anger

that I am feeling is what in the hell happened to my life, I honestly

cannot remember being happy as a child, my father was a very

successful businessman, everyone in town thought he was a wonderful

man...they all knew he was an alcoholic, and that he had many affairs

on my mother, he would hit my mother and me while he was drinking. He

had his own private plane, his own business, a different car for each

day for he and my mom. All of the kids I went to school with thought

that I had the greatest life ever, they knew where their Dad was on

the holidays...not me. Then my mom divorced him when I was 12 and she

was pregnant with my little brother. Gosh I could finally invite

friends to sleep over as I wasn't scared that my Dad would do

something crazy. My brother was born and I was thrilled..He took his

first steps the day Pres. Kennedy was killed. I will never forget. I

forgot my own childrens first words or steps but not his.

When I was 13 I started dating a guy that was a senior in high

school, we dated thru his senior year and then he went into the Army

and to Vietnam. He was so much different than my Dad, he was a true

gentleman, we were children of the 60's!! I cared for him greatly and

I stayed true for almost a year, then I wrote a Dear letter, now

I wonder what in the hell I was thinking. I married a guy when I was

16, was about a month pregnant when I married, my daughter was born,

then hell really happenened. He beat me and didn't have to be

drinking. He held me hostage with a shotgun, and then it happenened.

I went totally crazy, I left my daughter with his mother and said I

would be back.It was 4 yrs before I did look back. Two more failed

marriages, more partying and drinking than anyone should have lived

thru. Finally I did some settling down to some extent and remarried

and had a son and a daughter. I knew this man was an alcoholic and he

had been abusive to me but I just knew that he would change, he

reminded me of my father, he even looked like him. My brother got

killed when he was 17, my grandfather had been killed in an accident

2 yrs prior, my best friend had been murdered about 6 months before

my brother. There I went again, off the deep end of the world, went

back to the life where I knew I could find relief, drugs and alcohol.

Thank God for good friends that helped care for my kids. My Mom could

not help as she had started drinking and could not help me. And it

wasn't like I didn't have an education, I did, I had managed in all

the turmoil to get a college degree, but I just couldn't stay

grounded long enough to use it. But by the Grace of God I pulled thru

one more time, I got a very respected job, it had taken along time to

do it but I did. I became a police officer, then made Chief in the

town where I lived. I did that for 3 yrs and then decided I wanted a

career change, I started driving a truck, had my own, ran coast to

coast then this lady decided she wanted to commit suicide and she hit

me in my truck headon. She did what she intended to do and she almost

took me with her, this was in 91, I quit driving!! My mom died in 92

and I started as a 911 Dispatcher until 2003. And my life is still

going down hill, I lost my house last year, I had kept my small

trucking company and the fuel cost helped to put me out of business.

I am now living with my daughter and her family..Trying to work in a

Deli part-time and no one understands how I feel, I HURT, I am tired,

I don't sleep. AND by the way the guy I dated in High school is

retired from an airline, and we are talking again, of course he is on

one coast and I am on the other...SO....and we shall see????

Thanks for letting me put into words what I cannot to my children or

friends.

n

-- In Fibromyalgia_Support_Group , debra van ness

wrote:

>

> I have been thinking of all the anger I have had lately about fibro

and the ones that don't believe it.

>

> Well, we all probably have that because it is a part of our

grief. The problem with this grief is that no one around us

understands it except the ones that have it.... this group. I

remember the stages of grief are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining,

Depression, and Acceptance. We will all wax and wane back and forth

with these emotions for a long time, if not a whole lifetime.

> We grieve what we once were, what we once dreamed of being and

dreamed of doing in life.

>

> I was in Shock when I learned this beast had a name.

Fibromyalgia. I had to say it over and over for a couple of months

before I internalized the fact it was really with me.

>

> Now, Denial is a stage too. Most of us have been there. " Maybe

I don't have fibro, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I just have

something else. Maybe I did imagine the all over pain and other

symptoms. " I would try to convince myself, especially on days I was

having a " good " day.

>

> Ok now the anger sets in. " damn it, that fibro is real and it

hurts like a bitch. I can't hardly move out of bed in the mornings

and I am so mad. I cannot be the mother today I wanted to be. There

are people who don't believe me too.... damn it if they could feel

like I do for ONE day " .

>

> Bargaining...... " maybe if I do this or that, it will go away " .

(especially effective on the few days or hours the fibro lets up and

I feel almost normal). " I will change my diet, I will change my

sleep habits, I will take this supplement or that and it will be

gone. " (then it comes in full force again and wraps around me like a

boa constrictor.

>

> Depression .... . " Why can't I feel good today so I can go to

work without pain just like other people? " " I just don't know how I

can go on and live this way forever. It is NOT FAIR. I use to be

able to go to work, clean my house, take care of my kids, and get a

good nights sleep. The next day I would not be tired or hurting when

I woke up. I don't look like the same person I did 5 years ago

even. I have aged. The pretty woman I was is fading and I feel like

I am 85 instead of 43 " .

>

> Acceptance... " ok, I have it. I have to deal with it and live

the best I can. I am thankful for what I still do have. At least

meds take care of some of the pain. etc.... "

>

> We all go through these stages over and over. I don't know how

long it takes to reach the stage of acceptance and stay there. I

don't know that we ever do completely. BUT I HAVE all of you. You

are my rock and sounding board for what the rest of the world will

not ever understand around me.

>

> I love you,

> Agape,

> Debra V.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

>

>

[Guest guest]

My goodness, you have had a hard life girl. No wonder the fibromyalgia has

kicked in. I am sorry to hear of all this. You are a truly wonderful person

inside and I can tell.

It seems that we follow a pattern with the men we choose. I don't know why.

But somehow we do.

hugs to you,

love,

Debra V.

Green wrote:

evilcateyes911 wrote: I read this post and thought

about it, I think that alot of the anger

that I am feeling is what in the hell happened to my life, I honestly

cannot remember being happy as a child, my father was a very

successful businessman, everyone in town thought he was a wonderful

man...they all knew he was an alcoholic, and that he had many affairs

on my mother, he would hit my mother and me while he was drinking. He

had his own private plane, his own business, a different car for each

day for he and my mom. All of the kids I went to school with thought

that I had the greatest life ever, they knew where their Dad was on

the holidays...not me. Then my mom divorced him when I was 12 and she

was pregnant with my little brother. Gosh I could finally invite

friends to sleep over as I wasn't scared that my Dad would do

something crazy. My brother was born and I was thrilled..He took his

first steps the day Pres. Kennedy was killed. I will never forget. I

forgot my own childrens first words or steps but not his.

When I was 13 I started dating a guy that was a senior in high

school, we dated thru his senior year and then he went into the Army

and to Vietnam. He was so much different than my Dad, he was a true

gentleman, we were children of the 60's!! I cared for him greatly and

I stayed true for almost a year, then I wrote a Dear letter, now

I wonder what in the hell I was thinking. I married a guy when I was

16, was about a month pregnant when I married, my daughter was born,

then hell really happenened. He beat me and didn't have to be

drinking. He held me hostage with a shotgun, and then it happenened.

I went totally crazy, I left my daughter with his mother and said I

would be back.It was 4 yrs before I did look back. Two more failed

marriages, more partying and drinking than anyone should have lived

thru. Finally I did some settling down to some extent and remarried

and had a son and a daughter. I knew this man was an alcoholic and he

had been abusive to me but I just knew that he would change, he

reminded me of my father, he even looked like him. My brother got

killed when he was 17, my grandfather had been killed in an accident

2 yrs prior, my best friend had been murdered about 6 months before

my brother. There I went again, off the deep end of the world, went

back to the life where I knew I could find relief, drugs and alcohol.

Thank God for good friends that helped care for my kids. My Mom could

not help as she had started drinking and could not help me. And it

wasn't like I didn't have an education, I did, I had managed in all

the turmoil to get a college degree, but I just couldn't stay

grounded long enough to use it. But by the Grace of God I pulled thru

one more time, I got a very respected job, it had taken along time to

do it but I did. I became a police officer, then made Chief in the

town where I lived. I did that for 3 yrs and then decided I wanted a

career change, I started driving a truck, had my own, ran coast to

coast then this lady decided she wanted to commit suicide and she hit

me in my truck headon. She did what she intended to do and she almost

took me with her, this was in 91, I quit driving!! My mom died in 92

and I started as a 911 Dispatcher until 2003. And my life is still

going down hill, I lost my house last year, I had kept my small

trucking company and the fuel cost helped to put me out of business.

I am now living with my daughter and her family..Trying to work in a

Deli part-time and no one understands how I feel, I HURT, I am tired,

I don't sleep. AND by the way the guy I dated in High school is

retired from an airline, and we are talking again, of course he is on

one coast and I am on the other...SO....and we shall see????

Thanks for letting me put into words what I cannot to my children or

friends.

n

-- In Fibromyalgia_Support_Group , debra van ness

wrote:

>

> I have been thinking of all the anger I have had lately about fibro

and the ones that don't believe it.

>

> Well, we all probably have that because it is a part of our

grief. The problem with this grief is that no one around us

understands it except the ones that have it.... this group. I

remember the stages of grief are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining,

Depression, and Acceptance. We will all wax and wane back and forth

with these emotions for a long time, if not a whole lifetime.

> We grieve what we once were, what we once dreamed of being and

dreamed of doing in life.

>

> I was in Shock when I learned this beast had a name.

Fibromyalgia. I had to say it over and over for a couple of months

before I internalized the fact it was really with me.

>

> Now, Denial is a stage too. Most of us have been there. " Maybe

I don't have fibro, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I just have

something else. Maybe I did imagine the all over pain and other

symptoms. " I would try to convince myself, especially on days I was

having a " good " day.

>

> Ok now the anger sets in. " damn it, that fibro is real and it

hurts like a bitch. I can't hardly move out of bed in the mornings

and I am so mad. I cannot be the mother today I wanted to be. There

are people who don't believe me too.... damn it if they could feel

like I do for ONE day " .

>

> Bargaining...... " maybe if I do this or that, it will go away " .

(especially effective on the few days or hours the fibro lets up and

I feel almost normal). " I will change my diet, I will change my

sleep habits, I will take this supplement or that and it will be

gone. " (then it comes in full force again and wraps around me like a

boa constrictor.

>

> Depression .... . " Why can't I feel good today so I can go to

work without pain just like other people? " " I just don't know how I

can go on and live this way forever. It is NOT FAIR. I use to be

able to go to work, clean my house, take care of my kids, and get a

good nights sleep. The next day I would not be tired or hurting when

I woke up. I don't look like the same person I did 5 years ago

even. I have aged. The pretty woman I was is fading and I feel like

I am 85 instead of 43 " .

>

> Acceptance... " ok, I have it. I have to deal with it and live

the best I can. I am thankful for what I still do have. At least

meds take care of some of the pain. etc.... "

>

> We all go through these stages over and over. I don't know how

long it takes to reach the stage of acceptance and stay there. I

don't know that we ever do completely. BUT I HAVE all of you. You

are my rock and sounding board for what the rest of the world will

not ever understand around me.

>

> I love you,

> Agape,

> Debra V.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

>

>

[Guest guest]

debra thanks for letting me vent, and for listening. I guess I could say

somethings

to you that I can't tell anyone else because you don't know me and won't judge

me.

I hope you are doing well.

debra van ness wrote:

My goodness, you have had a hard life girl. No wonder the fibromyalgia

has kicked in. I am sorry to hear of all this. You are a truly wonderful person

inside and I can tell.

It seems that we follow a pattern with the men we choose. I don't know why. But

somehow we do.

hugs to you,

love,

Debra V.

Green wrote:

evilcateyes911 wrote: I read this post and thought

about it, I think that alot of the anger

that I am feeling is what in the hell happened to my life, I honestly

cannot remember being happy as a child, my father was a very

successful businessman, everyone in town thought he was a wonderful

man...they all knew he was an alcoholic, and that he had many affairs

on my mother, he would hit my mother and me while he was drinking. He

had his own private plane, his own business, a different car for each

day for he and my mom. All of the kids I went to school with thought

that I had the greatest life ever, they knew where their Dad was on

the holidays...not me. Then my mom divorced him when I was 12 and she

was pregnant with my little brother. Gosh I could finally invite

friends to sleep over as I wasn't scared that my Dad would do

something crazy. My brother was born and I was thrilled..He took his

first steps the day Pres. Kennedy was killed. I will never forget. I

forgot my own childrens first words or steps but not his.

When I was 13 I started dating a guy that was a senior in high

school, we dated thru his senior year and then he went into the Army

and to Vietnam. He was so much different than my Dad, he was a true

gentleman, we were children of the 60's!! I cared for him greatly and

I stayed true for almost a year, then I wrote a Dear letter, now

I wonder what in the hell I was thinking. I married a guy when I was

16, was about a month pregnant when I married, my daughter was born,

then hell really happenened. He beat me and didn't have to be

drinking. He held me hostage with a shotgun, and then it happenened.

I went totally crazy, I left my daughter with his mother and said I

would be back.It was 4 yrs before I did look back. Two more failed

marriages, more partying and drinking than anyone should have lived

thru. Finally I did some settling down to some extent and remarried

and had a son and a daughter. I knew this man was an alcoholic and he

had been abusive to me but I just knew that he would change, he

reminded me of my father, he even looked like him. My brother got

killed when he was 17, my grandfather had been killed in an accident

2 yrs prior, my best friend had been murdered about 6 months before

my brother. There I went again, off the deep end of the world, went

back to the life where I knew I could find relief, drugs and alcohol.

Thank God for good friends that helped care for my kids. My Mom could

not help as she had started drinking and could not help me. And it

wasn't like I didn't have an education, I did, I had managed in all

the turmoil to get a college degree, but I just couldn't stay

grounded long enough to use it. But by the Grace of God I pulled thru

one more time, I got a very respected job, it had taken along time to

do it but I did. I became a police officer, then made Chief in the

town where I lived. I did that for 3 yrs and then decided I wanted a

career change, I started driving a truck, had my own, ran coast to

coast then this lady decided she wanted to commit suicide and she hit

me in my truck headon. She did what she intended to do and she almost

took me with her, this was in 91, I quit driving!! My mom died in 92

and I started as a 911 Dispatcher until 2003. And my life is still

going down hill, I lost my house last year, I had kept my small

trucking company and the fuel cost helped to put me out of business.

I am now living with my daughter and her family..Trying to work in a

Deli part-time and no one understands how I feel, I HURT, I am tired,

I don't sleep. AND by the way the guy I dated in High school is

retired from an airline, and we are talking again, of course he is on

one coast and I am on the other...SO....and we shall see????

Thanks for letting me put into words what I cannot to my children or

friends.

n

-- In Fibromyalgia_Support_Group , debra van ness

wrote:

>

> I have been thinking of all the anger I have had lately about fibro

and the ones that don't believe it.

>

> Well, we all probably have that because it is a part of our

grief. The problem with this grief is that no one around us

understands it except the ones that have it.... this group. I

remember the stages of grief are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining,

Depression, and Acceptance. We will all wax and wane back and forth

with these emotions for a long time, if not a whole lifetime.

> We grieve what we once were, what we once dreamed of being and

dreamed of doing in life.

>

> I was in Shock when I learned this beast had a name.

Fibromyalgia. I had to say it over and over for a couple of months

before I internalized the fact it was really with me.

>

> Now, Denial is a stage too. Most of us have been there. " Maybe

I don't have fibro, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I just have

something else. Maybe I did imagine the all over pain and other

symptoms. " I would try to convince myself, especially on days I was

having a " good " day.

>

> Ok now the anger sets in. " damn it, that fibro is real and it

hurts like a bitch. I can't hardly move out of bed in the mornings

and I am so mad. I cannot be the mother today I wanted to be. There

are people who don't believe me too.... damn it if they could feel

like I do for ONE day " .

>

> Bargaining...... " maybe if I do this or that, it will go away " .

(especially effective on the few days or hours the fibro lets up and

I feel almost normal). " I will change my diet, I will change my

sleep habits, I will take this supplement or that and it will be

gone. " (then it comes in full force again and wraps around me like a

boa constrictor.

>

> Depression .... . " Why can't I feel good today so I can go to

work without pain just like other people? " " I just don't know how I

can go on and live this way forever. It is NOT FAIR. I use to be

able to go to work, clean my house, take care of my kids, and get a

good nights sleep. The next day I would not be tired or hurting when

I woke up. I don't look like the same person I did 5 years ago

even. I have aged. The pretty woman I was is fading and I feel like

I am 85 instead of 43 " .

>

> Acceptance... " ok, I have it. I have to deal with it and live

the best I can. I am thankful for what I still do have. At least

meds take care of some of the pain. etc.... "

>

> We all go through these stages over and over. I don't know how

long it takes to reach the stage of acceptance and stay there. I

don't know that we ever do completely. BUT I HAVE all of you. You

are my rock and sounding board for what the rest of the world will

not ever understand around me.

>

> I love you,

> Agape,

> Debra V.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are so right, Debra. I'm glad you are letting some of the anger go. It

just wears us out so much. I appreciate the time you take to post to the group

and sharing your thoughts with us. Hope today is a good day for you.

Jeanne in WI

I have been thinking of all the anger I have had lately about fibro and the

ones that don't believe it.

Well, we all probably have that because it is a part of our grief. The

problem with this grief is that no one around us understands it except the ones

that have it.... this group. I remember the stages of grief are Shock, Denial,

Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. We will all wax and wane back

and forth with these emotions for a long time, if not a whole lifetime.

We grieve what we once were, what we once dreamed of being and dreamed of

doing in life.

I was in Shock when I learned this beast had a name. Fibromyalgia. I had

to say it over and over for a couple of months before I internalized the fact it

was really with me.

Now, Denial is a stage too. Most of us have been there. " Maybe I don't

have fibro, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I just have something else.

Maybe I did imagine the all over pain and other symptoms. " I would try to

convince myself, especially on days I was having a " good " day.

Ok now the anger sets in. " damn it, that fibro is real and it hurts like a

bitch. I can't hardly move out of bed in the mornings and I am so mad. I

cannot be the mother today I wanted to be. There are people who don't believe

me too.... damn it if they could feel like I do for ONE day " .

Bargaining...... " maybe if I do this or that, it will go away " . (especially

effective on the few days or hours the fibro lets up and I feel almost normal).

" I will change my diet, I will change my sleep habits, I will take this

supplement or that and it will be gone. " (then it comes in full force again and

wraps around me like a boa constrictor.

Depression .... . " Why can't I feel good today so I can go to work without

pain just like other people? " " I just don't know how I can go on and live this

way forever. It is NOT FAIR. I use to be able to go to work, clean my house,

take care of my kids, and get a good nights sleep. The next day I would not be

tired or hurting when I woke up. I don't look like the same person I did 5

years ago even. I have aged. The pretty woman I was is fading and I feel like

I am 85 instead of 43 " .

Acceptance... " ok, I have it. I have to deal with it and live the best I

can. I am thankful for what I still do have. At least meds take care of some

of the pain. etc.... "

We all go through these stages over and over. I don't know how long it

takes to reach the stage of acceptance and stay there. I don't know that we

ever do completely. BUT I HAVE all of you. You are my rock and sounding board

for what the rest of the world will not ever understand around me.

I love you,

Agape,

Debra V.