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I've been so very irritated all day, I finally got a chance to relax a bit.

OK, so I hadn't heard anything from the Doctor's office all morning, so I

call and talk to yet another phone nurse. I ask her what the hold up is,

and do you know what?? My doctor isn't even in today. So, she looks up my

message to be sure it was correct, and the whole thing was wrong. I was so

angry at the woman who took my information yesterday! So, I tell this very

nice phone nurse what the deal is and she edits the comments. Asks if I

want her to give the message to another doctor and have them deal with it

today. Again, I told her no, as long as my doctor will be back tomorrow.

She assured me he would be. So...the wait continues.

I did get a call from my doc's usual nurse who just wanted to be sure I

wasn't in horrendous pain or loosing a lot of blood. She also apologized to

me and said if she had gotten the message yesterday, she would have paged my

doc because she thought it was important, considering my history. She did

say that I should keep the morning open and actually put me on his schedule

to be seen just in case. Thanks for asking, and I'll let you know what I

find out tomorrow.

~Kim

On Wed, 26 Sep 2001 13:24:28 -0400, ectopicpregnancy wrote:

Kim,

I was wondering if you went to the dr today. Please let us know.

lisa r

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Kim,

I hope you get to talk to your dr today or get in

to see him. I can't believe the nurse got the

message wrong!! I am sorry you had to go through

all that mess and I hope you get an answer soon.

Take care.

____________________________________________________http://inbox.excite.com/http://inbox.excite.com\

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  • 2 weeks later...

Kim,

Sorry. It can get confusing here sometimes. Wow, you two have had it kind of

rough. That was nice that you two tried to celebrate your anniversary with all

that was going on with you... but you are right, definitely not what you two

planned. I hope and pray your 2nd anniversary is celebrated with a new member

added to your family too!!

Kim Bertram kimbertram11@...> wrote: Actually , I don't know him

at all! :) Don't worry about the mixup. I

can see how that happens! My DH's name is Jerry. We've been married just

over a year. We spent our first anniversary in the ER working on getting

admitted for my blood clot. Isn't that exciting? It really sucked! I had

the surgery just 8 days before our anniversary then the bladder infection a

couple days after that, so I couldn't even buy him a card. *sigh* wasn't

what I envisioned our first anniversary being. But a friend of ours had

brought us some birthday cake to share in the hospital since we didn't have

our cake top (it's in my mom's freezer up in Wisconsin! We were supposed to

be there for our anniversary.) He also brought the toasting glass we had

given him for being the best man and a bottle of that grape juice that looks

like champagne. So we drank out of the glass, fed each other cake, and

celebrated that way.

Anyhow, just a cute story of how I'll always remember my first anniversary.

Maybe with the 2nd I can celebrate by getting ready for a new baby....

~Kim

On Fri, 5 Oct 2001 03:00:42 -0700 (PDT), ectopicpregnancy

wrote:

>

> Kim,

> Oooooops, sorry, about the mix-up about Steve.....so he must be your db

(dear boyfriend) ...pretty close to a dh.....

> I am glad you have a place where you can say how you feel here, sometimes

it is good to get to out and work through all the emotions.

> You are right, better days are ahead!!! Remember that.

>

> Kim Bertram kimbertram11@...> wrote: Thanks . It does

help to hear that stuff!

>

> And just to clear things up, as there seems to be a bit of

confusion...Steve

> is not my DH...LOL! SOme of the messages here seemed to have gone that

> direction, but nope, not a bit!

>

> Anyhow, I have no hard feelings toward what he's posted, I just wanted to

be

> sure that my opinion was heard. I get like that sometimes.

Anyhow...better

> days are ahead.

>

> ~Kim

>

>

> On Thu, 04 Oct 2001 00:23:20 -0000, ectopicpregnancy

wrote:

>

> > Kim,

> > I am sorry you were so upset last night, but in some ways you and

> > your dh probably needed it, you know. At least your dh tried to

> > explain how he looked at things, which was really sweet of him to

> > say. I guess since they are not the ones actually carrying the baby,

> > they just can't relate the same way we do. You will have better

> > days, but don't be worried for you still have some of those really

> > bad moments too, it is totally normal.

> >

> >

> >

> > > I had a horrible night last night. I got home from work and

> > started dinner.

> > > We were having taco salad. DH came up to ask if I needed any help,

> > and I

> > > said no. He then asked if I could chop the lettuce a little bit

> > smaller. I

> > > threw the knife in the sink, took the stuff off the stove and told

> > him to

> > > cook his own *@#%$ dinner. Grabbed my dog and went for a walk.

> > Then, we

> > > didn't talk for a few hours.

> > >

> > > I was laying on the couch being sad about god only knows what, and

> > he came

> > > and asked if I would talk to him. Well, of course, this made me

> > just start

> > > crying...almost uncontrolably. I kept telling him I didn't want to

> > tell him

> > > what was wrong and was being vague about it, saying things

> > like " everything

> > > is wrong " or " I'm very upset " (DUH!). Finally, I looked at him and

> > said the

> > > one thing I have not said since all of this started. OK, I more or

> > less

> > > screamed it while crying and I said " I want my baby back! " Which

> > led to

> > > more crying and sobbing, and being unable to breathe right from

> > crying so

> > > hard. We had a very long talk and I think it helped, but the whole

> > > situation just bothers me.

> > >

> > > I tried to explain to him that for me, this was my baby...not a

> > bunch of

> > > cells that got stuck somewhere and had to be removed. And he

> > doesn't get

> > > how I can see that so differently than he does. I told him that he

> > had to

> > > allow me to see it any way I wanted to see it, and I'd let him see

> > it how he

> > > wanted to see it, but that it didn't mean either of us was wrong.

> > And we

> > > argued about it...was it a baby or not? And we got nowhere. And

> > he asked

> > > what I needed from him to get through this. And I told him

> > sometimes I

> > > needed him to just listen and let me have my feelings and get them

> > out

> > > without them being challenged. And that sometimes, I needed to be

> > reminded

> > > about the health concerns that we may not have known about had this

> > not

> > > happened and the dangers of childbirth to someone with my disorder

> > who is

> > > left untreated. And then he said something that was stupid, and he

> > knew it.

> > > He said he was " thankful " this happened. And I called him all

> > kinds of

> > > horrible names. And he said it sounded worse than how he meant

> > it. He said

> > > that at first, he was very sad but once we started finding out

> > about my

> > > blood disorder and what it could mean, he was grateful that this

> > didn't go

> > > on and he didn't loose me. Because he said (and he gets big points

> > for this

> > > one) " As much as I want to have a baby with you, it's not worth me

> > losing

> > > you. I'd rather have you with me forever and no more children than

> > to have

> > > a baby and not get to share that with you. " And in that moment, he

> > was the

> > > wonderful man I married.

> > >

> > > I'm still a bit sad today, but I think my episode last night did me

> > a world

> > > of good. Of course, my chest and my stomach hurt so bad today from

> > the

> > > crying and the sobbing and the ragged breathing that never seemed

> > to end,

> > > but I'm feeling like there are better days ahead, and having gotten

> > that all

> > > out in the open with my husband and not holding it in for " his

> > sake " , I'm

> > > feeling much better emotionally....for now.

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening...

> > >

> > > ~Kim

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > _______________________________________________________

> > > http://inbox.excite.com

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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  • 4 weeks later...

Kim,

Hi, I just wanted to let you know, I have made an appointment for dh and I this

Wednesday to see a specialist. None of the clinics had an RE, except one and he

was booked until April! I told them no thanks, I'm hoping to be preggers by

then!! I found one clinic where the receptionist said the doctors there didn't

have the title RE, but are very specialized in that area and when I mentioned it

was regarding ttc after ectopic, she actually knew what i was talking

about...amazing, I know. So, I made an appointment with a doctor there and I

hope it goes well. I have so many questions and just need a second opinion on

everything. I, of course, am hoping he says that we can start ttc sooner than

February like the surgeon said, but, that might not happen. We'll see.

On a side note, my friend that just found out she's preggers with #3 called and

left a message for me Friday. I called her and we had a good talk. I think I

have been unconsciously avoiding her because she's preggers and I feel awful

about it...but it is so hard to think about. I told her about dh and I going to

a specialist on Wed. and she was very supportive. So, it was a good thing to

talk to her, but it is still very hard. She knows it though and seems to

understand. She told me about someone else who is preggers, hesitantly, and i

said, " it seems like everywhere I turn someone else is pregnant, " and she

seemed to understand my dismay/pain.

I have been trying to think about it less and trying to get on with things , but

it is so hard when you're constantly hearing about babies and pregnant

friends...

I forgot, are you having the HSG done? I haven't decided. That is one of the

things I'm going to talk to this specialist about. I don't have any reason to

believe my other tube is damaged...but I am worried about the ep side tube.

We'll see i guess.

Well, I hope you are doing well and look forward to hearing from you again!

Steph

>>> kimbertram11@... 10/24/01 12:39PM >>>

I'm curious...when you say the information is from your surgeon...is he a

general surgeon or specifically on OB/GYN?? I ask because some people I've

run into had the surgery performed by someone who was not their regular doc.

My OB did the entire thing....he's a member of the Society of

Laparoendoscopic Surgeons, which apparently is a good thing. LOL....I guess

they have societies for everything these days! I'm just wondering if the

difference in healing time is maybe based in part on the kind of doc giving

you the news. A general surgeon I would think would air on the side of

caution. I think an OB who'd done it before would be a little more factual,

but I could be wrong. I'm willing to bet it also is an age-dependent thing.

If they're older and not as up on the latest, their experience will tell

them it's probably best to wait longer. Just some observations I've made.

I'd love to use a midwife, but with all my other issues, that's not even

remotely possible. I may be able to have a Doula present, which is what

we're shooting for at this point. There is an increased chance of ectopic

pg again after you've had one and there's not much you can do about it aside

from keeping your fingers crossed :) You can't prevent it and you can't

predict it, so it's one of those things. If I were able to do a midwife,

I'd stick with one, simply having my pregnancy confirmed by u/s as early as

possible. There's no real difference in treatment between a pregnancy of a

person who never had an ectopic compared to someone who has. Once that baby

makes it into the uterus, that's " normal. " SO, if you want to stick with

the midwife, you should! That's the only point I was making.

Yes, it was my first pregnancy, and I was sooo devestated. At times, I

still am. For the most part (and this may sound cold...sorry) I just want

it in the past. I want to move on and focus on the future and not think

about what has happened. It will always be there, it will always be part of

my history, and I won't ever forget about it or how the promise of a new

life was shattered, but there's no comfort for me in simply remembering, or

naming the lost baby, or any of those things that people do to memorialize.

I'm one of those who has to have something tangible. And once I got out my

anger and sadness about a month ago, I never looked back. It was out of me

and gone and my entire focus now is on being able to ttc again. And even

though thoughts and sadness creep in my head every now and then, they are

chased out by hope for the future and what will be instead of what could

have been. Yikes...that sounded cold and hard.....

~Kim

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Kim,

I stumbled across this awhile ago and meant to respond, so here it is

now. You don't sound " cold and hard " to me. You sound healthy :-) We

each have a different path through this, and no path is better or

worse, though some are harder and others easier. And I am glad that

your path got easier for you! My path has been easier these last few

weeks as well, though not exactly lined with flowers as of yet. But I

am starting to feel like my normal upbeat self more and more these

last few weeks, and it feels so GOOD! And there is nothing " cold or

hard " about that.

You said that the transition for you was " about a month ago " (well,

1.5, now) and I'm wondering how that timing related to

your " discussion " with your husband as you described it to us. At the

time I think I wrote you that it seemed as if that discussion, though

traumatic, had a pretty positive outcome, that is, it sounded as if

at least potentially it brought you closer (if I didn't write it, I

certainly meant to). I'm wondering if that was a turning point for

you? I found that for me the 3 " discussions " I had with my husband

were very healing. Even though he viewed the whole thing very

differently from me, just being able to talk about it really helped.

And Jeff and I really are MUCH closer than before, and I thought we

were close before.

Weirdly enough, the other thing that really helped me was my HSG that

showed that my right tube was blocked. That was really a relief to

me, because before that the best guess had been that my ep was on my

ovary, and since that is only 1% of ectopics, they really don't know

anything about them. And I was building up all these weird scenarios

in my head about what might have occurred, and making myself really

nervous. I kept saying I needed answers, while part if me wasn't

really sure if they would help. BUT answers really DID help. Even

though the answer was bad news, at least it was news and I could then

go from there and make plans to ttc and etc. with some concrete

information. So that made me feel a lot better.

Sending you lots of hugs and happy baby energy...

>

> Yes, it was my first pregnancy, and I was sooo devestated. At

times, I

> still am. For the most part (and this may sound cold...sorry) I

just want

> it in the past. I want to move on and focus on the future and not

think

> about what has happened. It will always be there, it will always

be part of

> my history, and I won't ever forget about it or how the promise of

a new

> life was shattered, but there's no comfort for me in simply

remembering, or

> naming the lost baby, or any of those things that people do to

memorialize.

> I'm one of those who has to have something tangible. And once I

got out my

> anger and sadness about a month ago, I never looked back. It was

out of me

> and gone and my entire focus now is on being able to ttc again. And

even

> though thoughts and sadness creep in my head every now and then,

they are

> chased out by hope for the future and what will be instead of what

could

> have been. Yikes...that sounded cold and hard.....

>

> ~Kim

>

>

>

>

>

>

> _______________________________________________________

> Send a cool gift with your E-Card

> http://www.bluemountain.com/giftcenter/

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