Re:I need .......? Just ranting I guess//Kids

[Guest guest]

You know, reading this thread at first I thought " I have nothing to

contribute " . But in reality, I do. I have 2 grown sons (24 and 22).

At the age of 16, when my 2nd marriage crashed and burned (he was an

alcoholic, abusive, his son started thinking I was a punching bag so

I left with my pets, clothes, car and kids), my oldest son moved in

with his dad and stepmom without talking to me about it at all. They

thought he had and I was okay with it, but he didn't. That obviously

brought about a lot of hurt, etc., because it meant he was turning

his back on the values, foundation, etc. I had given him for

the " freedoms " offered at daddy's. Well, the younger son stayed with

me, but at 16 he also went off to daddy's, leaving me " alone " , but

not really, because by that time, I had moved into my parents'

basement, was active in various church things and had friends. So

while it hurt, I was okay.

My oldest son went into the Navy from high school (good choice for

him). Prior to being shipped out for 6 months, he got a girl pregnant

(who was still married, although separated, and had 2 little girls).

Anyhow, while I was upset with both of them because of the

circumstances and all, I knew the baby had not asked for it and so

have loved her from the moment I saw the ultrasound, heard the

heartbeat and saw the picture proclaiming " its a girl " . She's going

to be 2 next month. My son, for whatever reason, still hasn't gotten

the DNA testing (although she's the spit image of him) so he can be

put on the birth certificate and subsequently his insurance. The mom

is barely struggling and my son isn't supporting her or his child

(grandma is sending what she can clotheswise and sometimes $ but I

have 2 kids now too to raise!). Anyhow, the mom is now with someone

else who wants to adopt my granddaughter if my son isn't willing to

get off his ass and do something. I called him and told him all of

that nearly a week ago. He promised her (the mom) he would call her

but hasn't. I know he is mad at me and he'll have to get over it; I

brought in the " big guns " his dad and told him what was happening.

Despite our being divorced a long time, we are amicable and he was

livid that his son wasn't helping to support his own child (he's

actually living with someone else and I have another granddaughter

who will be 5 months at the end of this month). I know he called him

too.

I guess I said all that to say this. Our grown children make a lot of

dumb mistakes, just like we did. If they are being abusive because of

issues in their own lives (whether it's mental health issues or

addictions, etc.), we DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE IT! We can hang up and

love them from a distance. We ARE NOT TO BLAME for the choices they

make - it's called free will for a reason.

Marti, it would have broken my heart for my kids not to be here

during a time of crisis for me. You are a very strong woman to have

overcome that. And as you said, you have to live in the moment with

your daughter because she's got " something " going on that causes her

to do what she does; but it's not your issue to fix, it's hers. How

freeing that can be!

Anyhow, I have made the decision I am NOT calling my son. The phone

lines run both ways and since I know he is simmering and stewing over

what I have said (plus what the mom of my oldest gd has likely told

him), plus what his dad probably said. He doesn't like being " told "

what to do - never has, likely never will. Will he end up doing the

right thing? Most likely, on his terms and it will all be " his idea " .

I think that this disease, plus any other thing we have to deal with

illness-wise, and it sounds as though most of us have multiple

chronic issues going on at the very least, tells us that we have to

remove the " toxic " from our lives, even if that means distancing (not

permanently estranging mind you) ourselves from family.....just my 2

cents.

(((Hugs to all moms and dads who have been beaten up in the trenches

by their kids))))

Darlene

>

> I am a single mon who raised 3 boys and it was not a easy ride but

I did learn this. If you love your son, turn off your phone, do not

reply, give him a chance to grow up and fend for himself. I

sometimes think this is the most precious gift we can give our

kids. I was told to wrap my son in a fluffy blue blanket and hand

him to God. I was done and now it was his turn and God's turn.It was

really hard in the beginning but today I have some of the finest sons

in the world....when they were younger I wondered which one would go

to the penn but it is not like that today. Love him from a distance

and let him grow up. Believe me, they don't go away....

>

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