I received this this morning

[Guest guest]

Latest Updates from Fibrobook

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Even though some people may not have thought about the differences between

these two words, they really are huge. And for those of dealing with continual

chronic pain conditions, the difference between those two words becomes even

more important.

In my own experience, I have found that I do not want sympathy. I do not want

people to feel sorry for me. I do not want people to stare at me because I limp

and walk slowly with a grimace of pain on my face that I know is there even when

I can't see it. I do not want people to give me questioning looks when they see

me get out of my car in the handicapped space. I do not want to NOT be able to

do all the things I used to be able to do. I did not choose this! I do not

enjoy having to grieve the loss of the person I used to be. I do not want to

have to take narcotic-level pain killers before I have even gotten out of the

house in the mornings! I do not want to have to plan my entire life around how

much pain I'm likely to be in and how exhausted I'm going to be.

I DO want people to take me seriously. I DO want doctors, family and friends

to understand that I am not faking it. I am not trying to get out of doing

housework. I do what I can when I can, and if the rest doesn't get done right

then, it is because I can't do it, not because I don't want to. I DO want and

need for my employer and coworkers to understand that my being here at work

doesn't mean that I am " OK. " The fact that I am here probably means that I am

in more pain than I would have been in if I had stayed at home, but I've never

had the luxury of staying home or of applying for disability. I have been a

single parent from the very start, and I am the breadwinner. I am doing

contract work right now with no benefits, no sick days. So, if I'm not here,

I'm not making any money.

I want to be able to do things I enjoy and to enjoy activities with friends

and family. I make plans when I can, but I do need for people to understand

when I have to change my plans at the last minute because I'm in too much pain.

I am not being anti-social. I am not trying to shut anyone out. But, I also

don't want to be a complete bummer when it is obvious that I do not feel good.

I was about 35 years old when I first realized that I had absolutely no

recollection of what " feeling good " felt like. That was 15 years ago. One of

the most heartbreaking moments of my entire life came when I realized that my

daughter (now 23) has absolutely no memory of me NOT in pain. She didn't get to

have a normal mom. I didn't get to take part in a lot of things I should have

been able to do with her. I remember going to a mall to try to do some

Christmas shopping with her about 10 years ago. We parked close to the stores I

wanted to go to, and she went off to do her own shopping and came back about an

hour later to find me in tears on a bench in the middle of the mall because I

was in so much pain. I could barely walk back out to the car!

" Normal " people take things like that for granted. What a simple thing . . .

wanting to go Christmas shopping with your daughter. What a devastating thing

to NOT be able to do. I think that was when my disease really became " real " for

my daughter and she understood.

So, my pursuit of the distinction between sympathy and empathy is this. To

me, sympathy means having people feel sorry for me. I need understanding and

patience--not pity. EMPATHY, on the other hand, means that someone truly

understands that you are in pain, that you are exhausted, that you woke up

exhausted, that it hurts to hold your head up (literally!) and make it through

the day. Someone who is empathetic knows that you didn't cancel that lunch date

because you wanted to. That person knows you probably spent the day in bed with

a heating pad or needed to. Someone who is empathetic realizes that your

condition is not your choice, that your house would be a lot cleaner if you had

a choice, but they still offer you their love, their kindness, and their

understanding.

We need more people like that!

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

I could relate to all of that. My seven year old daughter was watching

me yesterday and said, you hurt mommy. I asked her how do you know and

she said, I see you keep going like this, then she mimmicked what I was

doing which was resting my head on one hand and closing my eyes. I

didn't realise I was doing this so much until my daughter pointed this

out to me. She said I know your hurting because you do that allot.

On tha part about the house, I can so relate. My house is far from what

I want it to be and I can't do anything about it. There is not a day

that goes by anymore that I don't cry. I also find myself angry at

times. I feel angry for my doctor for not moving faster and finding me

some releife. I feel like she doesn't take me serious enough. I'm angry

because I have to look happy especially at the doctors office or they

will assume this is all caused by depression. I feel angry because I

can't make my body feel normal.

[Guest guest]

How well said. That is exactly what I feel. I just want some

understanding...not pity. I don't want to drain the life from others so they

can give me sympathy. I just want to be believed and understood.

Thanks for the post,

Debra V.

Lori Hammer wrote:

Latest Updates from Fibrobook

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Even though some people may not have thought about the differences between

these two words, they really are huge. And for those of dealing with continual

chronic pain conditions, the difference between those two words becomes even

more important.

In my own experience, I have found that I do not want sympathy. I do not

want people to feel sorry for me. I do not want people to stare at me because I

limp and walk slowly with a grimace of pain on my face that I know is there even

when I can't see it. I do not want people to give me questioning looks when

they see me get out of my car in the handicapped space. I do not want to NOT be

able to do all the things I used to be able to do. I did not choose this! I do

not enjoy having to grieve the loss of the person I used to be. I do not want

to have to take narcotic-level pain killers before I have even gotten out of the

house in the mornings! I do not want to have to plan my entire life around how

much pain I'm likely to be in and how exhausted I'm going to be.

I DO want people to take me seriously. I DO want doctors, family and friends

to understand that I am not faking it. I am not trying to get out of doing

housework. I do what I can when I can, and if the rest doesn't get done right

then, it is because I can't do it, not because I don't want to. I DO want and

need for my employer and coworkers to understand that my being here at work

doesn't mean that I am " OK. " The fact that I am here probably means that I am

in more pain than I would have been in if I had stayed at home, but I've never

had the luxury of staying home or of applying for disability. I have been a

single parent from the very start, and I am the breadwinner. I am doing

contract work right now with no benefits, no sick days. So, if I'm not here,

I'm not making any money.

I want to be able to do things I enjoy and to enjoy activities with friends

and family. I make plans when I can, but I do need for people to understand

when I have to change my plans at the last minute because I'm in too much pain.

I am not being anti-social. I am not trying to shut anyone out. But, I also

don't want to be a complete bummer when it is obvious that I do not feel good.

I was about 35 years old when I first realized that I had absolutely no

recollection of what " feeling good " felt like. That was 15 years ago. One of

the most heartbreaking moments of my entire life came when I realized that my

daughter (now 23) has absolutely no memory of me NOT in pain. She didn't get to

have a normal mom. I didn't get to take part in a lot of things I should have

been able to do with her. I remember going to a mall to try to do some

Christmas shopping with her about 10 years ago. We parked close to the stores I

wanted to go to, and she went off to do her own shopping and came back about an

hour later to find me in tears on a bench in the middle of the mall because I

was in so much pain. I could barely walk back out to the car!

" Normal " people take things like that for granted. What a simple thing . . .

wanting to go Christmas shopping with your daughter. What a devastating thing

to NOT be able to do. I think that was when my disease really became " real " for

my daughter and she understood.

So, my pursuit of the distinction between sympathy and empathy is this. To

me, sympathy means having people feel sorry for me. I need understanding and

patience--not pity. EMPATHY, on the other hand, means that someone truly

understands that you are in pain, that you are exhausted, that you woke up

exhausted, that it hurts to hold your head up (literally!) and make it through

the day. Someone who is empathetic knows that you didn't cancel that lunch date

because you wanted to. That person knows you probably spent the day in bed with

a heating pad or needed to. Someone who is empathetic realizes that your

condition is not your choice, that your house would be a lot cleaner if you had

a choice, but they still offer you their love, their kindness, and their

understanding.

We need more people like that!

---------------------------------

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Deb, for posting this entry from my blog. I am so glad that

some folks are apparently reading it. I just started that blog this

week, and I've never done one before, so I hope I do OK with it.

You are all welcome to check it out, if you'd like at

http://www.xanga.com/Fibrobook.

Also, please e-mail me at fibrobook@... if you'd like to share

your story with me for my book!

Thanks!

fibrobook@...

>

>

> Latest Updates from Fibrobook

>

> Empathy vs. Sympathy

> Even though some people may not have thought about the

differences between these two words, they really are huge. And for

those of dealing with continual chronic pain conditions, the

difference between those two words becomes even more important.

(I left of the rest of the article so it doesn't get reposted a

hundred times!)

[Guest guest]

>

> this is my anthem.... tell it like it is! Gretchen

> Latest Updates from Fibrobook

>

> Empathy vs. Sympathy

> Even though some people may not have thought about the

differences between these two words, they really are huge. And for

those of dealing with continual chronic pain conditions, the

difference between those two words becomes even more important.

> In my own experience, I have found that I do not want sympathy.

I do not want people to feel sorry for me. I do not want people to

stare at me because I limp and walk slowly with a grimace of pain on

my face that I know is there even when I can't see it. I do not

want people to give me questioning looks when they see me get out of

my car in the handicapped space. I do not want to NOT be able to do

all the things I used to be able to do. I did not choose this! I

do not enjoy having to grieve the loss of the person I used to be.

I do not want to have to take narcotic-level pain killers before I

have even gotten out of the house in the mornings! I do not want to

have to plan my entire life around how much pain I'm likely to be in

and how exhausted I'm going to be.

> I DO want people to take me seriously. I DO want doctors,

family and friends to understand that I am not faking it. I am not

trying to get out of doing housework. I do what I can when I can,

and if the rest doesn't get done right then, it is because I can't

do it, not because I don't want to. I DO want and need for my

employer and coworkers to understand that my being here at work

doesn't mean that I am " OK. " The fact that I am here probably means

that I am in more pain than I would have been in if I had stayed at

home, but I've never had the luxury of staying home or of applying

for disability. I have been a single parent from the very start, and

I am the breadwinner. I am doing contract work right now with no

benefits, no sick days. So, if I'm not here, I'm not making any

money.

> I want to be able to do things I enjoy and to enjoy activities

with friends and family. I make plans when I can, but I do need for

people to understand when I have to change my plans at the last

minute because I'm in too much pain. I am not being anti-social. I

am not trying to shut anyone out. But, I also don't want to be a

complete bummer when it is obvious that I do not feel good.

> I was about 35 years old when I first realized that I had

absolutely no recollection of what " feeling good " felt like. That

was 15 years ago. One of the most heartbreaking moments of my

entire life came when I realized that my daughter (now 23) has

absolutely no memory of me NOT in pain. She didn't get to have a

normal mom. I didn't get to take part in a lot of things I should

have been able to do with her. I remember going to a mall to try to

do some Christmas shopping with her about 10 years ago. We parked

close to the stores I wanted to go to, and she went off to do her

own shopping and came back about an hour later to find me in tears

on a bench in the middle of the mall because I was in so much pain.

I could barely walk back out to the car!

> " Normal " people take things like that for granted. What a

simple thing . . . wanting to go Christmas shopping with your

daughter. What a devastating thing to NOT be able to do. I think

that was when my disease really became " real " for my daughter and

she understood.

> So, my pursuit of the distinction between sympathy and empathy

is this. To me, sympathy means having people feel sorry for me. I

need understanding and patience--not pity. EMPATHY, on the other

hand, means that someone truly understands that you are in pain,

that you are exhausted, that you woke up exhausted, that it hurts to

hold your head up (literally!) and make it through the day. Someone

who is empathetic knows that you didn't cancel that lunch date

because you wanted to. That person knows you probably spent the day

in bed with a heating pad or needed to. Someone who is empathetic

realizes that your condition is not your choice, that your house

would be a lot cleaner if you had a choice, but they still offer you

their love, their kindness, and their understanding.

> We need more people like that!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo!

Mobile. Try it now.

>

>